Luke isn’t helping my broken heart, and I can feel the tears hovering again. Just under the surface. Just one more reminder of what I can’t have away from being a full-on episode. It’s not going to happen.
“Are you starting the movie or what?” I snap, and he shakes his head.
“Whatever. You two are making a huge mistake.”
I glare at him. “Luke, I’m begging you. Start the movie!”
He rolls his eyes, but finally presses play.
∞∞∞
A knock at the door at minute 17 interrupts our showing, yet again. The hero was just about to embark on his epic journey through the rugged wastelands of some fictitious third-world country to rescue some important politician from…I don’t know. I’m way too distracted to actually follow the action. I’m only here so I don’t have to be out there.
Which is exactly why Casey’s face is the last thing I want to see poking around the door at the moment. But here he is, freshly showered and hoping for another change of clothes.
“Dude, you really need to send for your stuff or go shopping,” Luke mutters, and Casey gives him a look.
“What are you watching?” he asks as he rifles through Luke’s drawers.
“Absolute Descent,” I answer. He glances at me quickly, then returns to the drawers.
“Any good?”
“So far it’s fine,” I return. “Just started fifteen minutes ago.”
“Can I sit?” he asks.
I want to say no, but it’s not my call. It’s Luke’s, and I can feel his questioning gaze, which is why I realize I’m completely screwed because Casey Barrett is my problem, not his.
“Sure, man. We can go out to the living room if you want.”
Casey shrugs. “No, this is fine. There’s room.”
I almost openly glare at him when he chooses my side of the bed instead of Luke’s. I have to suck in my irritated grunt as I adjust so he can sit beside me. Again, I can feel Luke’s satisfied smirk on my other side, and now I want to smack both of them.
“Are we finally settled?” Luke asks.
“All good,” Casey assures him, and I don’t like how close he is. I gave him plenty of room to give me plenty. Instead his arm is resting against mine, his leg, his hip, the heat of his body spreading through me, the clean scent of his shampoo filling my head with brutal images of him in the shower. I’m so angry I’m sure I’m scraping enamel from my teeth.
The movie hasn’t resumed for more than two minutes before it happens. Suddenly, my hand is brushed by his. Gently at first, so I think maybe it was an accident. But his gaze turns on me, I can feel it, then a more intentional touch. Furious, I finally blast him with a look that contains all the fire raging inside me.
He doesn’t shrink, however, instead only grabbing my fingers, holding firm as I instinctively try to pull away. His eyes continue to stare into mine, searching, waiting for me to calm down. To forgive him. To understand something.
“If you two need to be alone…” Luke teases, and I flinch, my face on fire. I don’t know what to do. I’m so confused. I’m still mad at Casey. No, I want to be mad at him, but I’m not. He has me burning with a different kind of fire again. The kind that will get me in trouble if I don’t temper it with reality. I don’t understand why he’s doing this to me. Why Luke is encouraging it.
I yank my hand away.
“I’m going to go get a drink,” I say, sliding off the far edge of the bed.
“Callie…”
I don’t hesitate this time, and exit into the hallway just in time to hear, “I don’t know what you did, but you need to go fix this.”
I know Casey is following me. I can hear him, sense his presence, and when I get to the living room I spin around to confront him. But my angry words catch in my throat at the expression on his face.
“I’m sorry, Callie…I…”
He shakes his head and curses to himself. Clasping his hands above his head, he begins that distracted pacing he does, and my inevitable compassion begins to creep back in, ever so slightly.
Finally, he clenches his eyes shut for a second before focusing back on me, a desperate look on his face.
“I don’t date, Callie,” he blurts, and I squint at him in surprise.
“Not ever?”
“Not seriously.”
He sighs and drops to the couch. I follow, but stay a safe distance away. I trust him, just not myself.
“My whole life has been spent witnessing one endless string of bad relationships. I grew up watching my dad beat my mom, older siblings getting dumped, older siblings wrecking others by dumping them.” He quiets and sucks in his breath. “Then the finale of Luke and Elena.”
He shakes his head again, deep in thought.
“Luke was my best friend, Elena my closest sibling. When they started dating, I wasn’t surprised, but I was terrified. I knew Luke. I knew he couldn’t be what Elena needed and I knew Elena couldn’t handle what he was. I tried to warn them! I…” He covers his face with his hands, and my heart starts to shift as it starts to understand.
Still, I don’t react as he collects himself. I can tell he’s not finished and I want to hear him. I want his story and I want it told his way. Finally, he clears his throat and dares a look at me again. I want to reach out to him, but I don’t. It’s not time.
“Anyway, they wouldn’t listen to me. They were both so crazy about each other, it didn’t matter what anyone said. There was nothing I could do but brace myself and watch the disaster unfold.” He closes his eyes again, and I can see the pain rushing back. “And that’s what I did. Watched for three years as the two people I loved most in this world absolutely destroyed each other and themselves.”
He meets my gaze, his eyes searching, pleading. “Do you know what that’s like?” he whispers, tears in his eyes. “It killed Elena, and now it’s killing Luke, and I swore I’d never do that to someone else! I would never, ever, hurt someone I loved the way they hurt each other. The way my dad hurt my mom. I don’t know how else to do that except to stay away from them.” He quiets and rests his head in his hands, and I can’t take it anymore.
I close the gap between us and touch his arm, forcing him to look at me. He does, and I grasp his hand.
“You’re not Luke. I’m not Elena.”
He shakes his head, the tears spilling to his cheeks. “You don’t know that. You…what if I am?”
I shrug and give him a direct look, firm, confident. “You know what? Maybe you are, but you’re worth the risk to me. You just need to decide if I am. You’ve told me many times I have to start trusting myself. Trust who I am. So do you.”
He seems touched. And conflicted.
Suddenly, he pulls away and shakes his head again. “We can’t, though! Don’t you get it? I’ve got maybe three to four months, then I’m gone again. I’m on the road all the time, and even when I’m not, I’ve got obligations and expectations that take me everywhere and…”
“Casey, stop!” I cry, jerking his hands.
He blinks, and I shake my head in exasperation.
“I’m not asking for a ring, here!” I laugh. “I’m talking about just letting whatever this is develop while it can. We can decide later what to do with it.” I take a deep breath. “You can’t force yourself to be alone forever just because other people made some poor decisions. What happened to Luke and Elena…” I sigh. “I can’t even imagine what that was like for you, but that’s not going to happen with us.”
“But…”
I silence him with a look and gaze hard into his eyes. “Casey, even if you break my heart you will not break me. You won’t.”
I can’t tell if he believes me, but I can tell he’s sincere, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted from him. I believe him.
This time it’s definitely me who initiates the kiss. He wouldn’t have dared, which is yet another reason why I want nothing more than to be close to him at that moment. Will he break my heart? Maybe. Probably. Just like I will break his at s
ome point, too. But I also know it would absolutely shatter mine to move on without even giving myself the chance to get close to this amazing, talented, beautiful person. I have to try, despite the pain, and I think maybe he’s starting to understand that as well.
He pulls me hard against him and I can sense the desperation in his kiss, how much he wants this. How much he wants me. How hard it must have been to keep me at arm’s length in his misguided attempt to protect me from the person he’s not. Just the fact that he would try is all the evidence I need that he’s everything I’ve come to believe he is. I want him so much it hurts as he guides me back on the couch, our kisses, our bodies, trying to make up for lost time. I pull at his shirt, my hands gliding along his back, his arms, locking him against me while his lips trace my neck, my cheek, and back to my own. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I just know that I’ve never felt so wanted, so satisfied.
“Casey?”
“Yeah?” he breathes.
“We’re going to be ok.”
He stops and focuses on my eyes, that grin I so crave suddenly slipping back to his face.
“You think?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
I reach up and run my fingers along his jaw, staring into his incredibly complex soul. He lowers his head and gives me another solid kiss before straightening and helping me up.
I’m not done with him yet, though, and slide my arms around his waist as his tighten around my shoulders. I just want to stand there forever, even though I know reality is going to slap us in the face soon enough. For now, however, I let myself feel safe, at peace, and yes, maybe even the slightest hint of love.
“Would you be upset if I tell them to fix the PR mess by reporting that you’re my girlfriend instead of Luke’s? No one would care then and they’ll leave you both alone.”
I lean back and glance at him in surprise. “I don’t know. It depends. Is it true?”
He seems flustered. “Um…I don’t know. Do you want it to be?”
I almost laugh. “You’re kidding, right?”
His smile is shy this time. “Well, I didn’t want to assume…I mean after being such an ass the last couple days…”
“You were,” I tease, before growing serious. “You have my permission to call it whatever you want, but you’re my choice, Casey, not Luke. Any rumors floating around about me should revolve around you.”
He bites his lip and nods, and I can tell that means a lot more to him than I can even know. I can’t imagine what it’s like to constantly live in Luke’s shadow. To love him and have to fight the nagging temptation to be jealous of him at the same time. To watch him get everything you deserve as well but will never have because labels matter. Then again, I’m not so sure Luke has anything Casey wants.
“Should we get back to the movie?” I ask, taking his hand and loving the fact that it’s mine now, too. I can’t wait to cuddle up with him without questions. No more wasted brain cells and heart beats on hesitation and speculation.
“Not yet. I have something for you,” he says, pulling away.
“Huh?”
His sheepish smile is accompanied by a casual shrug this time as he grabs the guitar.
“I got bored of the chair drama last night, so I wrote one for you.” He laughs. “Luke even helped, although he mostly just made fun of me. It was late so it’s totally stupid, but it’s all yours,” he laughs.
I freeze. Tears spring to my eyes as I stare at him in disbelief.
His face falls. “Are you upset? I’m sorry…I…”
I shake my head with a vehemence that brings back his smile, and wipe my eyes.
“Of course not! I just…thank you.”
His grin returns in full force as he lowers himself to the couch and does a quick tune. “Might want to wait on the gratitude. You didn’t even hear it yet.”
I don’t have to to know I’ll love it.
But then he starts to play the incredibly sweet and goofy song, leaving no doubt.
“They say I’m a rock star, baby
But that’s just what they made me
Ignore my wall of Grammys, right now I’m only yours.
I’m a superstar or pathetic cover, it’s all in your power, lover
You’re everything I need to know, let me be yours
I’m no titan, hon, a liar, maybe
I’m no one else you need to know
You unravel my maze, the light in my haze
You’re everything I need to know
You may drive me crazy
But when I’m with you I’m just Casey, and that’s how I know, that’s all I need to know,
I’m yours”
∞∞∞
Casey and I return to Luke, different, better, and he gives us a knowing smile when we enter hand-in-hand.
“I didn’t pause it. You’ll have to just figure out what’s going on,” Luke mutters as we take our places on the bed again, but I can tell he’s not nearly as annoyed as he’s letting on.
I grin and shove him a bit with my shoulder. “Thanks,” I whisper, leaning close and giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.
He seems surprised, but not upset, almost pleased. He returns my smile before focusing back on the screen, this time with a content expression I’ve never seen before.
∞∞∞
Casey spends several more hours on the phone that night, pacing throughout the suite, arguing with invisible opponents, nodding, cursing, shaking his head.
Luke and I order some food and watch with a mix of amusement and pity as he battles the world on our behalf. His “people” seem to be confused about why he didn’t just explain I was actually his girlfriend, and not Luke’s, the first time they talked, but he covers it well and they seem to buy his story. The rest is just a long list of warnings and instructions, repeated several times, from several consultants, in several ways.
My heart goes out to him as I see the frustration and weariness settling into his features.
“Still questioning his loyalty?” I shoot at Luke as Casey unleashes yet another exasperated iteration of the same story.
“He’s a saint, no question,” Luke agrees.
“He’s doing this for you.”
Luke shrugs. “I don’t know. You’re his girlfriend,” he teases, and I give him a mock glare.
“Seriously, you’re ok with all of that? I know maybe it’s weird.”
Luke almost looks annoyed. “Am I ok that two of the best people I know have found happiness in each other and someone they deserve? I think I’m good.”
I roll my eyes. “You could have given your approval without the sarcasm,” I mutter, and he grins.
“Hey, you got it, didn’t you? Anyway, if anything, my approval is more selfish than anything. It guarantees I get to keep both of you in my life.”
I squeeze his hand, wishing with all my heart he could be as happy as I am at that moment.
Then Casey hangs up the phone with a curse and slams it down on the table. I try to be appropriately sympathetic, but it’s just too insane not to laugh.
“Oh, I’m glad you guys think this is funny!” he quips.
“Eat something,” I say, pointing to a chair. “It’s bar food. Not a single vegetable.”
He sighs, and I know there’s a smile in there somewhere that wants to come out. There always is.
“I’ll get you a beer,” I continue, half serious and half teasing him about the last time I owed him a “thank you.”
It works, the smile breaks, and I can’t help but squeeze his arm as I pass. I’d do a lot more to cheer him up if Luke wasn’t sitting right there.
“What’d they say?” Luke asks, and I listen closely as I retrieve the beer and pop the cap.
Casey sighs again, and I hand him the bottle.
“Alright, so here’s the deal. Lawyers are pretty sure there isn’t much legal risk. The leaked footage clearly shows the restaurant manager giving you permission to take the chair. The only person endangered was Callie whe
n you took a swipe at her, and I’m going to assume she doesn’t intend to press charges.” His face changes. “Really, man? You swung at Callie?”
Luke looks away. He seems like he might be ashamed which is a good sign. Maybe he’s starting to understand what he is when he loses control of himself.
Casey shakes it off. “Anyway, legally we’re good. Publicity-wise, they actually think we’re good, too, as long as nothing else comes out and we lay low. While the blow up part with the chair isn’t great, we can spin it as a painful outburst of a hurting icon on the mend. With no laws broken, the public is going to like that Luke is back out of hiding and clearly reconnecting with people again, even if it is with his best friend’s girlfriend.” He turns to me. “Which, for the record, now means you have to be seen with me at, at least, two high profile events in the next month. Sorry, but it was non-negotiable. We need to prove that you and Luke were just hanging out as friends, and you and I are madly in love. If they see the three of us together, even better.”
He stops and surveys us like we’re his second-grade class. “Any questions?”
I raise my hand, and he rolls his eyes.
“Yes, Callie.”
“Are you going to finish those mozzarella sticks?”
Luke laughs, and I duck as Casey throws one at me.
Tuesday.
Casey and I fall asleep on the couch that night after being up late talking. I learn a lot more about him, all minor compared to the game-changing character traits I’ve gotten to witness over the last several days, but still worth every second. I can’t believe it hasn’t even been a week since all this started. It feels like a lifetime. Casey doesn’t seem as concerned with the timeline, and I wonder if it’s because the pace of his life doesn’t allow him to be overly cautious. Once he let go of his fear of getting close, he seemed to have no problem abandoning his soul completely to me. It’s an amazing feeling to have someone’s trust, their heart. I accepted the gift with reverence and offered the same in return, revealing things to him I thought I’d tucked away forever. We laughed a lot, cried a little, and I realized there was nothing about this person I didn’t find fascinating.
Night Shifts Black Page 20
