DIRTY COWBOY

by Trejo, Erin

  “Gentry, this is the one thing I need to further my career. It would mean stability for me.”

  He nods his head, a sad look in his eyes. “I know that. Have a good life, Hope.”

  My mouth falls open when he turns and walks away from me, taking a piece of my heart with him. I choke back the tears and think about what I’m doing. Does he really love me? Could I love him enough to be happy like this? Gentry isn’t leaving the ranch ever again and this is the one place I vowed I didn’t want to be. Now that’s all changed. Everything has changed and I’m just as lost as I have ever been.

  12

  Gentry

  Dearest Gentry,

  You were right. We are not the same kind of people as we used to be. My life isn’t on the ranch and yours isn’t in the big city. We might have grown up the same but we were never quite on the same page. You showed me a lot about myself these past few months that I’ve been on the ranch with you. Most of all, you showed me who you were. Never change that. You deserve so much more than I could ever give you. I’m sorry things had to end this way. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better person for you. Life hasn’t always been easy for me but I knew what I was. I can’t disappoint my moms, my boss. I just can’t. I don’t know who I am anymore, Gentry. I’m a lost soul just drifting in time. Do you know how badly I wanted you to ask me to stay? I would have given you my everything if only you said the words that night, but I know you couldn’t because you would never keep me some place I didn’t want to be. I remember leaving after high school. It tore my heart out. When my mom asked me if I wanted to stop by and say goodbye to you, I told her no. I told her that if I never said goodbye, then I wouldn’t have to deal with the fact that we were over. I never wanted us to be over, Gentry. You’re my rock even if you don’t realize it and I don’t say it. Your smile, your laugh, your heart? Those are the things that kept me going for all those years. When I came back for your dad’s funeral, my heart nearly beat out of my chest. There you were, so lost and broken. Devastated by your own trauma but you made it a point to make me smile. That’s how I knew I still loved you. I don’t think I will ever be able to stop loving you, Gentry, but I have to move on with my life whatever that may be. That night, with the fireflies? I wished for you. I wished for you, Gentry.

  I’ll always love you.

  Hope

  I’ve read that letter more times than I can count. Each time, I see a different light. She left me a week ago with her article in hand. I watched her from the barn knowing she wasn’t going to say goodbye. That wasn’t our thing. Her letter, though? That’s a different story. I thought about asking her to stay. God knows I did but I couldn’t hold her down like that. She isn’t like me, not anymore. She isn’t a country girl as much as I wished she was. But now that she’s gone I feel like I’m caged once again. Like a wild animal that yearns to be free. I’m not free without her. I never was and that’s the reality that I live with now.

  “Go after her,” my mom says, resting her hand on my shoulder. She takes the seat next to me on the front steps before I glance over at her.

  “You know I can’t do that.”

  “Sure you can. You’re just stubborn like your dad.”

  “Maybe but I can’t go after her. I can’t be the reason she isn’t happy, Mom.”

  “How do you know she wouldn’t be happy?”

  “She’s a city girl now. She likes the finer things in life and I can’t give them to her. I’m a cowboy at heart and I can’t change that.”

  “Son, you are a lot of things. You have a heart of gold and soul that matches. I hate that you’re going through this and I hate that she doesn’t see it but you know what they say. If it’s meant to be it will be.”

  “Are you saying I should wait for her? See if she comes back?”

  “I’m saying that you should follow your heart. Your heart knows what it needs.” I reach down and scratch behind Boudreaux’s ears listening to him pant in happiness. Mom stands and walks away leaving me with the dog.

  “You think she’s right?” He looks up at me like I’ve lost mind. Maybe I have. “You think she’s coming back one day?” He barks and I shake my head with a smile on my face.

  “What do you know? You’re just a dog.”

  Hope

  “I can’t believe you’re back!” Myra keeps me held tightly to her chest. I came back a week ago. A week that I’ve sat and thought about things. I needed time to tend to my broken heart and think things over. I didn’t come in right away but I did send her the copy of my article.

  “We need to talk, Myra.”

  She pulls back and looks me in the eye. She has to be able to tell this is bad.

  “What is it? Are you okay? Is it Nick already?” she asks concerned.

  “No, it’s not Nick,” I giggle a little. “It’s me.”

  “Sit, talk to me,” she says motioning to the chairs. I walk over and drop down into the first one while she takes the other. Taking a deep breath, I look over at her while wringing my hands together in my lap.

  “I can’t let you run the article.”

  “What?”

  “I don’t want you to run the article, Myra. Please, just put a stop to it and shred it all.”

  “Why would I do that? This is what we’ve been waiting for, Hope. You have uncovered something that no one else could find a damn thing on. This thing is huge. Your position on this paper is dependent on this article,” she reminds me.

  I nod my head and swallow hard knowing that deep down inside I’m doing the right thing.

  “I know and as much as I appreciate you and all that you’ve done for me, I will no longer be freelancing for the magazine.”

  “What does that mean?” she yells as she stands to her feet.

  “It means, I quit. I don’t want my name attached to that article. If I’m no longer working for you, freelance or otherwise, the article shouldn’t be published. I’m asking you as a friend to not run that article, Myra.”

  “Why? Why Hope? This is all you’ve ever wanted.” She’s confused and I can understand that because for the last week I’ve been the same way. My chest has been tight, my feelings all over the place. It’s like the world was spinning out of control and I didn’t know how to stop it, but I do now. I’ve thought it over. I’ve let different scenarios play out in my mind and they all come back to him. I can’t do this to him or his family. They mean too much to me.

  “It was what I wanted. I don’t want it anymore. I want something else, something more. I want love, Myra. I want to be loved so hard that I can’t see straight. I want to be held and cared for. I want to be kissed and see a million fireflies flash behind my eyes. I want…him.” Tears leak down my cheeks as I lay my heart on the line for her. I can’t make this any clearer than that.

  “I don’t know what to say, Hope. This was a huge spread. I don’t know that I can replace it even if I wanted to, and believe me I don’t really want to. This wasn’t just about you, you know? This was something huge for the magazine, too.”

  “I get it, I really do but you read that article. You see why he didn’t want that information leaked, and God, I hate myself for even writing it.” Myra sighs and runs her hand over her face before nodding.

  “Okay.”

  “What?”

  “I said okay. I won’t run the article. I will shred it and have Emily find something else to run in its place but you don’t get to quit! I have watched you grow from a timid little girl who was afraid to type bad words to a woman who holds her head high. I’ve seen you grow as person over the years, Hope. You’re one of my best friends and I wouldn’t change that for the world but you have changed. You have looked inside yourself and found that missing piece of the puzzle you needed to move on with your life. And with that being said, you are still going to be writing for this magazine,” she says sternly.

  “Thank you!” I fly out of my seat and wrap her in my arms. “Thank you so much, Myra.”

  “Don’t thank me. You
are still writing for us.”

  “I won’t be in California though,” I remind her.

  “So? We branch out. Give me some of that country style you seem to be into these days,” she says eyeing my outfit. I hadn’t even thought about it but I wore my cowboy boots with my tight jeans and my “country girl” t-shirt. Giggling, I pull her back in for another longer hug.

  “I truly can’t thank you for everything you’ve done for me.”

  “Sure you can. Go get your cowboy,” she says pushing me away. “Get your happy ending.”

  Nodding my head, I take off out the door and straight to the elevator. As soon as I’m outside, I grab a cab and head to the airport. It feels like déjà vu but this time it’s for a good reason. This time I’m running back to something not away from it. Myra is right. I may have come a long way since we first met but I truly feel like I know who I am now. I know where I belong and it doesn’t matter to me how I have to fix this just that I do in fact fix it.

  13

  Gentry

  “The addition looks amazing, Gentry,” Dawson says as we look at the barn. We decided to extend it out, and he and I did all the work on it. I needed something to keep my mind occupied after she left. I couldn’t sit around and just think about her or I’d go insane. Hell, I might already be there.

  “Yeah, it looks great,” I say as I look up again. Hearing something behind us, I turn just in time to see a horse coming our way without a rider.

  “How did he get out?” Dawson mumbles as he moves to control him. He grabs the reigns and pulls the horse along with him toward the stables.

  “Not sure. I’m going to make sure it wasn’t my mom,” I tell him over my shoulder before I jog up the hill. It doesn’t take me long to get up there when I see her lying on the ground. My heart starts pounding in my chest as I rush to her side. Dropping to my knees, I lift her head in my hands as she groans. What the hell was she thinking?

  “I landed on something hard,” she grumbles.

  “It wasn’t my dick so I think you’re safe.” She cracks a small smile as I lift her up to sit.

  “God, my head is spinning,” she says as I watch her sway a little. I reach up and run my fingers over her head until I feel the lump. That’s probably not a good sign.

  “You should probably get this checked. You have a pretty big knot here,” I inform her.

  “I’ll be fine. Damn horse,” she snarls.

  “How did you get him out of the stable? He doesn’t like anyone.” I grab her under her arms and lift to her to her feet with me noting her outfit. It isn’t the same tight skirts she typically has on and that alone surprises me. I want to ask her what she’s doing here, yell at her for leaving me, but I can’t do any of that. I just can’t. I need to make sure her head’s okay first. That takes precedence over anything I want to yell at her for.

  “I have that country swagger. He saw it and came. I mean, look at me. I have the boots and the shirt,” she says moving her hand up and down her body.

  “What are you doing here, Hope?” There goes the idea of waiting.

  “I don’t want to talk about that right now. I think I’m going to be sick.” Leaning over she heaves then throws up as I pull her hair back out of her face. I keep her hair back while she vomits once more. When her body finally settles, I make sure she’s okay.

  “Let’s get you inside and ice that knot.” She nods her head and lets me lead her inside without a fight. At least that’s a start, right?

  “Mom! Can you grab some ice?” I call out to her as I lead Hope to the couch. She sits down when my mom walks in with an ice pack. She hands it to me with a huge smile on her face. I just shake my head. She has no idea what Hope is doing here and frankly neither do I. I lift the pack to her head and hold it as she hisses.

  “Country swagger, huh?” I ask nudging her. “I’m not sure how much swagger is needed to fall off a horse and smack your head. Did you at least make it look good?” She sticks her tongue out at me in true Hope fashion making me chuckle once again.

  “In fairness I was doing very well until he decided it was a great idea to jump. Then I lost my grip.”

  “What was he jumping for? See a snake?” I tease her. She rolls her eyes.

  “I’ll have you know that snake had the eyes of a devil. He wanted a piece of me,” she says seriously.

  “He wasn’t the only one.” She giggles and then winces from the pain in her head. “Why don’t you lie down? That’s going to be one bad headache.”

  “Okay.” I let her take hold of the ice pack as she stands from the couch. Leading her down the hall I pass my room to take her to the one she’d been staying in when she first came but when I look back I see her stalling outside my room.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Would it be okay…I mean I get if you don’t…I just…”

  “You want to lie down in my room?” I ask and watch as she nods slowly. With a short nod, I walk back over to her and open my door. After all that we’ve been through who am I to tell her she can’t lie in here? I’m not even sure I want to say no. Instead, I usher her inside and straight to the bed where she climbs in. Pulling the blankets up and over her body, she stares up at me.

  “I’m sorry, Gentry.”

  “Let’s not do this right now. You need to rest,” I tell her. I turn to head out of the room when she calls out to me.

  “Gentry?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Will you lay with me?”

  I swallow hard but the pain in my chest eases now that she’s here. I don’t know what I’m doing with her. I don’t know what she’s doing here and I don’t know that I can deal with losing her again. But against my better judgement I turn around and walk back over to the bed. Kicking my boots off, I pull the blanket up and remove hers as well, dropping them to the floor. Slipping under the blanket, she moves to rest her head on my chest.

  “You’re making me dirty from your clothes,” she whispers but I can sense the smile. Always dirty.

  “I like making you dirty.”

  “Do you hate me?” she asks as she yawns.

  “I could never hate you. Now rest your head.” She nods and curls into my side where I keep her. She falls asleep almost instantly and it makes me wonder when the last time she slept was. Judging from her outfit, I’d venture to guess and say it’s been a while. I don’t want to wake her but I really want to know why she’s here. At the very same time, I don’t. I don’t know that I could take having my heart broken once again. I don’t know that I could take it. I close my eyes and listen to the sound of her breathing as I slowly fall asleep with her curled into my arms. This has to be the best feeling in the world.

  I don’t know how long I’ve been asleep, but when I wake up, she’s gone and the sun has gone down. I yawn, roll over and scratch at my chest before grabbing my boots and pulling them back on. I almost panic but she wouldn’t have just left again, would she? It is Hope after all and no matter how many times we do this, neither of us can ever say goodbye. It would hurt too much. I try to ignore the tug in the back of my mind saying she did it again, that she walked away from me one more time as I stretch my back out. Thinking better of it all, I shove myself up off the bed. When I stand, I notice a note stuck to my door. I walk over and grab it, reading what she wrote.

  Follow the fireflies to your dreams.

  Hope

  A genuine smile crosses my face as I head out of my room and down the hall. I’m out the front door and traipsing across the field in no time. When I’m close enough, I see her. She’s standing there with her hair down, the slight breeze blowing it around her. She’s perfect.

  “Did you find yours?”

  Hope

  “Find my what?” I ask without looking over at him. I can feel him as he comes closer.

  “Your dreams. Did you find yours?” he asks me once more as I stare out at the pond. His hands wrap around my waist as he pulls me back into his hard body. That’s just the place I wanted to
be. Feeling Gentry holding me is the best feeling in the world, but knowing he loves me? Nothing can compare to that.

  “I thought I was living it for a long time. I thought I had to prove my worth to everyone around me but I didn’t prove a thing to myself. After high school, I chased dreams that weren’t really mine. Dated men I never really cared about or at least I never loved them. I wrote because it brought me happiness. But I didn’t know who I was.”

  “Who are you, Hope?” he asks his warm breath dancing over my skin.

  “I’m a country girl at heart but only when I’m with you. I thought the big city was me.”

  “It is you. I saw the way you lit up in New York. You aren’t like me, Hope, and that’s okay.” I know what he’s trying to say and I respect it but he doesn’t understand what I’m saying to him.

  “You don’t get it. I was so happy in New York because I was with you, Gentry. You make me happy. Not the expensive clothes or the lifestyle I was trying to push myself into. It’s you.” I spin in his arms so I can look at his face. His eyes burn straight through me, taking my breath away in an instant.

  “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying I didn’t run the article, Gentry. I understand you more than you think. Family has always come first for you, I know that.” His eyes stay locked on mine as something else flutters through them.

  “You didn’t run it?”

  I shake my head slowly.

  “I had to decide what was most important to me.”

  “Oh yeah? And what was that?” he asks licking his lips. I know he’s nervous, I can tell by the way his eyes keep jerking between mine but he has nothing to worry for.

  “You. You were more important to me than some article.”

  “Your job? That’s all you wanted, Hope. You can’t just give that up for me.”