by Helen Mcginn
She waited until he’d gone before opening her eyes. In all the years they’d been married, she’d always been the first up, even back when Robin used to catch an early train to London for work. She’d have tea and toast ready for him on the table, the crossword half-done so that she could ask him about the ones she was stuck on before he left, see if he had any bright ideas. Now, for the first time in her life, she just couldn’t bring herself to get out of bed, preferring to stay in the half-dark of their bedroom. There she could just lie and lie and think of nothing.
In the weeks since Billy’s memorial service, friends had called by, but Kate hadn’t wanted to see anyone. Flowers had been left on the doorstep with handwritten notes, all shown to Kate by Robin. Food arrived – endless quiches and lasagnes, pots of home-made jam and bottles of wine – but as much as he tried gently to persuade her that she might like a walk in the garden or down along the river, or to see a friend for a short while, she just shook her head.
Robin had tried again, unsuccessfully, the evening before, to suggest something they might do that day. Now, returning downstairs, he went back into the kitchen to answer the ringing phone. It was Flora.
‘I was worried. Mum didn’t answer her mobile.’
‘She’s still in bed, actually.’
‘Really?’ Flora checked her watch. It was after eleven.
‘I’m not really sure what to do.’ Robin spoke quietly, not wanting Kate to hear him talking about her. He looked out at the garden, the trees now bare, the flowers in the beds mostly gone.
‘Oh, Dad, I’m sorry not to be there to help.’ Flora felt guilty even saying the words. The truth was she couldn’t face seeing her mother like this and was relieved not to be there, having to deal with it.
‘It’s OK, darling. I’m sure she’ll start to feel better soon.’
‘Has she seen anyone?’
‘Not a soul. She refuses. And given how many friends she has, there has been quite the procession of people to the house. I’ve never made so many cups of tea.’
‘Oh, Dad, I wish I could come and help. But I just can’t… I’ve got the kids. And work.’ Another pang of guilt.
‘I know, don’t apologise. Life does go on but your mother’s not ready yet. She doesn’t want to talk about it. All I can do is be here for her, I think.’
‘I’ll come over at the weekend, bring Pip and Tom.’
‘I’ll tell her. I think she’d love that. I’m sure she won’t say no to her grandchildren. How are they?’
‘Amazing, really. They still ask lots of questions and I find that quite hard. About the accident, I mean. I want to talk about Billy, but not about the accident.’
‘And you, Flora, how are you? How’s Johnny?’
‘We’re OK, really, Dad. Johnny has been amazing, doing most of the school runs. I’m back at the shop, though. I needed to do something. Sitting at home was doing me no good at all. I’m better off keeping busy.’
‘Quite.’ Robin looked at the pile of unopened letters to Kate on the table. ‘Right, I’d better go. I’ll take up some toast, see if I can persuade her at least to get dressed today, perhaps come out for a bit of fresh air later.’
‘Dad, before you go…’
Robin’s heart sank. The conversation they’d had at the party all those weeks ago had been left where it was, neither daring to bring it back up again at a time of such devastation. ‘Yes, darling?’
‘I just want to say, what we talked about at the party, I’m sorry if I put you on the spot. Can we just pretend it didn’t happen?’
‘It’s forgotten.’
‘Good.’ Flora wasn’t quite sure what he meant by that, whether the subject was closed or whether the affair was over, but for now it was enough.
‘Fine, so see you at the weekend? Saturday? I’ll bring lunch.’
‘Lovely, see you then. Bye.’
Robin put the phone back in its cradle. Monty sat at his feet, looking up at him. ‘Right, shall we see if we can get her to eat something?’ Monty wagged his tail. ‘You’d better come with me. Maybe you can persuade her.’
Kate heard them coming up the stairs. She pulled the covers up higher, almost covering her head. Slowly, Robin opened the door, pushing it with his elbow. He walked carefully across the bedroom, placing a tray with some toast and marmalade on his side of the bed.
‘Darling, would you like something to eat?’ He gently stroked the top of her head, her curls escaping across the pillow.
‘I’m not hungry.’ Her voice was muffled.
‘Please have something, Kate. You haven’t really eaten properly for days.’
‘I’m said I’m not hungry.’
Robin noticed the untouched cup of tea on her bedside table. He quietly sighed. ‘Well, I’ll just leave it here, then. It’s there if you want it.’
‘Thank you.’
‘But, Kate, please talk to me. I want to help but I don’t know what to do.’
‘There’s nothing you can do. He’s gone and that’s it.’
Robin closed his eyes. ‘I know. I miss him too.’ He tried to keep his voice even.
‘Please just go away, Robin. You can’t help.’
He stood for a moment, unsure what to do. He so wanted to be able to make her feel better, make her see that life had to go on. She turned her back to him. He sighed quietly, then left the room.
A few days later Kate sat in the waiting room at her doctor’s surgery. Robin sat beside her, flicking through an out-of-date car magazine.
‘I really don’t think I need to do this.’
‘It was Flora’s suggestion. She told me she’d gone to her doctor for something to help her sleep and it really helped. She thought it might help you too.’
‘Did she? Well, I’m sleeping fine, actually. It’s the living part I’m having trouble with.’
‘Kate, please don’t say that.’ Robin looked at her. ‘Let’s see what Dr Harris says.’
As it turned out, Dr Harris asked lots of questions. She asked Kate if she was able to talk to her family or to a friend about how she was feeling. Kate had said that, no, she couldn’t talk to her husband because everything felt broken. Their family, their marriage, everything. And once Kate started talking, she couldn’t stop. About how angry she was at Billy’s death.
How angry she was at Robin for, she suspected, being in love with someone else. And especially how the latter made her feel so guilty, the fact that she was even thinking about her husband’s infidelity when she’d just lost a son.
Dr Harris listened intently, gently, then wrote down a number. ‘Kate, you need to talk to someone. Properly, I mean. Give them a call. It’s a local counselling service. I think it’ll really help. If it doesn’t, come back and see me again and we can go from there. And in the meantime, these will help you with your sleep and with your mood.’ She handed Kate a prescription.
Robin quickly stood up from his chair when he saw Kate walk back through the doors.
‘What did she say?’
Kate looked at him, his face so familiar. She noticed how tired he looked, realising she hadn’t really seen him, not properly, for weeks.
‘I’ve got something to get me over the bump.’ Kate held up the prescription. She decided not to tell him about the counselling suggestion for now.
‘Ah, right. That sounds like a good idea. Well, let’s get home, shall we?’
They walked out of the surgery to the car side by side, yet in all their years of marriage Kate had never felt they were so far apart. No matter what life had thrown at them before, they’d weathered it as a team. More than that, they’d always brought the best out in each other. But now everything felt different.
They drove home in silence bar the quiet classical music on the radio. Robin attempted to engage Kate in conversation but each time she cut him off with a one-word answer.
The sky was steel grey, the light flat. Robin tried hard not to, but he couldn’t help but think of Ally. It had been weeks since he�
�d spoken to her. They’d met at a work function years ago and had managed to conduct their affair without anyone knowing, or so he had assumed. Robin still had the excuse of travelling to London for the occasional meeting, where they would see each other, mostly for lunch and a short walk in the park before returning to her flat for a time before Robin headed home.
Things had got more complicated when Ally had decided to move out of London, retiring from her City job. She sat on various boards of museums and foundations, which meant she still had an excuse to be in town, but she wasn’t there as often as she’d once been.
Still, they’d continued to see each other when they could, always meeting in town and travelling back together to the station near her home. He loved Kate, too, but Ally was so different from Kate. They talked endlessly. She made no demands. And, of course, the sex was better.
But since Billy’s death, he’d not been able to bring himself to call her. And she hadn’t been in touch – why would she? She’d always left it to Robin to make contact. Sadly, he realised what he missed most was having someone to talk to. Kate seemed to be disappearing before his eyes, moving further and further away.
The thought of Billy made him ache for a time when they’d all been together, before the children had grown up and moved away, when they were happy as a family of four. He missed that terribly now.
Robin looked across at Kate, lost in her own thoughts as she stared out of the window. How he wished he could reach across, touch her face, but the gap felt too wide.
She’d always loved him unconditionally and he, in turn, had been foolish. He’d put the greatest love he’d ever known at risk for purely selfish reasons. Seeing her now, and with everything that had happened, he knew it was up to him to help bring Kate back to life.
18
Mack had opened the shop as usual and was just sorting through the deliveries in the back room when Johnny walked in.
‘Morning, Mack.’
‘Morning. I’ll be out in a minute,’ he called back.
‘No rush. I’ll just go through the numbers and have a look at what’s come in.’ He helped himself to a cup of predictably strong coffee on his way past the counter, then took up his usual post, perched at the tasting table with his laptop open before the shop got busy with customers. Trade had picked up lately but Johnny didn’t want to push Flora too hard. She seemed to be getting back into some sort of routine, but he was conscious that it would take time.
‘How’s Flora doing?’ asked Mack, as if reading his mind.
‘Good, thanks. She seems much better. I mean, she’s still not sleeping brilliantly. And I know she’s emotionally pretty exhausted but she’s keen to try and keep busy. Having said that, she’s not coming in today. She’s meeting up with her friends for a long walk on the beach this morning, so I told her not to worry about coming in if she didn’t want to.’
‘Ah, right. Well, one day at a time. How are the orders looking? Do I need to get the van?’
‘Yes, you do, I’m glad to say. But I’ll do the run today, Mack. I need you to do something else for me whilst I’m out.’
‘What’s that?’
‘Write down which wines to try if we’re going to Venice.’
‘When are you going to Venice?’
‘Well, if it’s all right with you I thought I’d take Flora out for a long weekend next month, before we get really busy in the shop in the run-up to Christmas. She went there with her parents and Billy when she was much younger. She used to talk about it sometimes; she obviously loved it. Apparently, Robin insisted on driving them across Europe in their old Morris Traveller to visit the only place where you can’t have cars. Anyway, I thought she might like a change of scene and I reckon Venice can provide that. Also thought it might be nice for her to go to somewhere that she once went with Billy.’
‘Well, that is…’ Mack left it there.
‘What? You don’t sound convinced. Not a good idea?’
‘Definitely your call, Johnny. It’s just that… don’t expect too much. Not yet, anyway.’
‘Understood. Absolutely no expectations. I just thought she might like it. We’ve never been together, and it’s not too far so we can do it over a long weekend.’
‘You’re a good man, Johnny. I’ll make a list whilst you’re out.’ Mack smiled but his heart sank a little, knowing they had a long road ahead.
The three friends walked along the stony beach, the clatter of pebbles beneath their feet. Waves gently rolled in on the rising tide, a soothing soundtrack to their conversation.
Tilda and Susie had been a near-constant source of support for Flora since Billy’s death. Susie had supplied endless meals for the freezer, Tilda had taken it upon herself to message Flora every single day with something to try to make her smile, from cat GIFs to crude jokes. And between them they’d taken the kids off Flora and Johnny’s hands for various trips to the park at least a couple of times a week. Flora didn’t know what she would have done without them.
But the thing she really missed was talking about Billy. Of course, it wasn’t their fault – they hadn’t really known him. In fact, Susie had never even met him. Flora looked down at her feet, watching the pebbles shift as her feet sank into the ground with every step.
‘… And then, you won’t believe what she said.’ Tilda’s voice took on a dramatic edge.
‘What?’ cried Susie.
‘She said, and I quote, “That’s ridiculous. Ivo would never bite anyone.”’
‘But he’s the original biter!’ Susie rolled her eyes.
‘Exactly.’ Tilda shrugged. ‘I mean, I always assume my kids are guilty unless proven innocent.’ She laughed.
Flora laughed too, a beat behind the others. She knew they were trying to distract her with the small stuff, and she loved them for it. But however much she tried to be fully present, she just couldn’t quite get there.
Tilda broke the brief silence. ‘Hey, Flo, how’s the shop going?’
‘Good, I think. Trade is picking up now. I should be working today but Johnny told me to have the day off.’
Susie squeezed Flora’s arm. ‘You should. After this why don’t you go home and put your feet up with a good book? I’d do anything to have an excuse to have a day off… Oh God, I’m sorry. That’s really insensitive, isn’t it?’
‘It’s fine, really.’ Flora smiled gently at her worried friend. ‘Please don’t think you’re saying the wrong thing, ever. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without you two. You’ve both been so amazing. I mean, Johnny has too, of course, but I can’t expect him to fix everything. And as for my parents…’ Flora let out a small laugh.
‘What’s happened?’ Tilda had always thought of Flora’s parents as the perfect happily married older couple. She knew things had been tough for them recently but that was to be expected.
‘Well, nothing really. But that’s the point. They don’t really talk about it. About Billy. Or to each other, for that matter, about anything. I’ve started to find excuses not to visit or put them off coming to see us because – and I feel terrible for saying this – I just can’t face it. It makes me so sad. Mum has just shut Dad out. And just before… I saw something I really wish I hadn’t seen.’
Tilda and Susie both looked at Flora.
‘What?’ whispered Tilda.
‘I saw my father at the station. He was with someone and it wasn’t my mother.’
‘Really?’ Tilda’s eyes practically popped out of her head. ‘But your father seems like the last person on earth who’d ever be unfaithful!’
Flora shrugged. ‘I thought so too. I tried to tell myself it wasn’t anything but I know what I saw. They definitely weren’t just friends.’
‘Oh, no, Flora, I’m so sorry. Have you asked him about it? It could have been perfectly innocent?’ Susie gently put her hand on Flora’s shoulder.
‘Well, he knows I saw him, but I haven’t really talked to him about it properly. I’m too terrified of the fallout.
I mean, it would absolutely crush Mum if she knew. She couldn’t deal with that on top of everything else.’
Susie felt her stomach tighten. Julian had always assumed she didn’t know about his affair, but the truth was she’d always known. ‘Are you sure it’s still going on? It might change now, given what’s happened.’ Susie hoped this didn’t sound too brutal.
‘I just need to think about it – what to do, I mean. I’d hoped I could try to forget it, but I can’t even bring myself to talk to him properly. It’s like he’s making me keep a dreadful secret. If Billy were here…’ Flora looked out towards the horizon. She felt completely hollowed out.
‘Have you told Johnny?’ asked Tilda.
‘No, I’ve just sort of buried it for now. I can’t even… Anyway, I think Johnny’s planning something. For me, I mean. Like a surprise. The last thing he needs is to worry about my parents, too.’
‘Really? What’s the surprise?’ said Susie.
‘I think he’s planning a long weekend away.’
‘Ooh, how lovely. Any idea where?’ Tilda sounded genuinely excited on Flora’s behalf.
But Flora didn’t really feel anything, neither excited nor bothered. Just totally indifferent.
‘Venice, I think. I saw his laptop open on the kitchen table last week. I went there years ago with my parents. I remember it so well. It was the Venice Biennale, not that we knew that when we turned up. The whole place was packed, flags everywhere, great art installations sticking out of the Grand Canal. All quite bonkers, but amazing to see. Johnny’s obviously already done a 360-degree virtual walking tour of the city according to the YouTube video he was watching when I came into the kitchen yesterday. He’s nothing if not thorough in his research.’
‘Oh, you have to love him for that. How thoughtful!’ Susie grinned.
‘I know, it’s a lovely thing to do but I can’t help feel… well, just not as happy about the idea as I should, really.’
Tilda stopped and turned to her friend. ‘Listen, Flo. You’ve been through the most awful time. And we can’t even begin to imagine how you must be feeling, but maybe a little bit of time away, in a beautiful place… it might just be a nice change?’
