by Helen Mcginn
‘I know, I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. It’s just that I feel… I don’t know, really. He’s going to take me all that way and I’m still going to feel like this. I’m sorry, I sound horribly depressing, don’t I? I promise I won’t always be like this.’ Flora managed a smile for her friends.
‘I bloody well hope not.’ Tilda threw her arms around her. ‘But in the meantime, you be however you need to be. We’re not going anywhere, are we, Suse?’
‘No, we are not.’ Susie smiled at Flora. ‘No rush, Flo.’
‘Thank you. I really love you two.’
‘Love you, too. Right, who wants a hot chocolate?’ Tilda pulled a flask from her basket. ‘It might have a tiny bit of rum in it, just so you know.’
‘Tilda, it’s not even eleven o’clock.’ Susie laughed.
‘I know, but our friend here is grieving so mid-morning drinking is totally acceptable.’ Tilda plonked herself down on the pebbles. ‘Who’s first?’
‘Seriously, though, Venice. I’m so jealous.’ Susie sighed.
‘Well, I don’t know for sure. He hasn’t mentioned anything yet.’
‘Let us know when he does. We can look after the kids between us, if that helps?’ Tilda looked at Susie, who nodded back quickly in agreement.
‘Definitely, we can work something out.’ Susie took the proffered cup of hot chocolate from Tilda, the soothing, slightly boozy smell hitting her nose before she’d even taken a sip.
‘Thank you. I’ll let you know if he says anything.’
The three friends looked out at the sea, watching the small white horses on the waves riding into shore. The wind had picked up a little, carrying a chill with it. Curling her fingers around the cup, Flora closed her eyes for a brief moment and let herself think about her brother. She recalled his face, his smiling eyes, slightly lopsided grin and that mop of hair.
She was scared of forgetting what he looked like, what he sounded like, even of forgetting his smell. What if it all started to fade from her memory? She had plenty of pictures of him around the house, including favourites she’d put into frames not long after he died. But it was his physical presence she was starting to forget and that scared her. She wanted to cling to every last part of him she possibly could. She wanted to fill a memory bank with everything he’d said and done, the sound of his laugh, the way he walked.
It felt like time was taking the memory of Billy away from her and Flora couldn’t bear the thought of losing him again.
19
‘How was your day?’ Johnny came into the kitchen, laptop under his arm.
Flora stood by the oven, stirring a huge pot of bolognese. ‘Good, thank you. I saw the girls this morning. We had a gorgeous walk on the beach. It was cold, though. The kids are clearing up their rooms – at least that’s what I asked them to do. How was the shop?’
‘It was a pretty good day, actually. I’ve decided I’m going to start getting out there to drum up new on-trade customers. We’ve always relied on Mack and his contacts until now, but I need to go and knock on some restaurant doors to see if we can get in to see them properly, show them some wines. But I’ll need you or Mack to come and lead the tasting bit. That’s way beyond my capabilities.’
‘Oh, come on, you’re getting good at this stuff. It might be time for you to do a wine course next.’ Flora laughed gently.
‘You must be joking. I saw what those exams did to you.’ He smiled back at her, reaching for an empty wine glass. ‘What’s open?’
‘Actually, this is lovely.’ She held up her glass. ‘Xinomavro.’
‘Zino-what?’ Johnny looked at the red wine, taking a sniff of her glass.
‘Xinomavro, it’s a Greek red grape variety. And it’s got something of the Nebbiolo about it.’
‘The Barolo grape?’ Johnny couldn’t help but look quite pleased with himself.
‘Exactly.’ Flora nodded in approval. ‘So it should, in theory, work with this.’ She pointed at the pan on the stove.
Johnny took a sip. ‘Oh, that is good. Might have to have one myself.’
Flora swirled her glass, sniffed and took a sip. ‘Earthy, but not too heavy. Good, isn’t it?’
‘Don’t drink it all. I’ll just go and say hello to the kids, then I’ll be straight back. I’ve got something to tell you, actually. Something good, hopefully.’
‘Can’t wait.’ Flora’s heart dropped a little. ‘I’ll pour you a glass.’
As soon as he’d left the room, she put her hands to her face and took a deep breath. Her phone rang. It was her mother.
‘Hi, Mum.’
‘Hello, darling, how are you?’
‘I’m fine, you?’
‘Well, I wouldn’t describe it as fine, but you know. Whatever.’
‘You’re right, Mum, I’m not exactly fine either, but you know what I mean. I don’t really know what else to say.’
‘How about angry? Or sad? Just something other than fine might be more meaningful. I heard you went to the doctor, got something to help you sleep?’
Flora stirred the pot slowly, took a breath before answering her mother. She could hear from Kate’s voice she was in the mood for a confrontation. ‘Mum, please. I’m not trying to belittle… I’m not… It’s just that I think,’ she paused, ‘I feel differently from you. Of course, I’m sad but I’m not angry any more. I don’t think I’ve got the energy to feel angry.’
‘Well, I am angry, as it happens.’ Kate’s voice was flat. ‘Angry that Billy isn’t here. And I’m really fucking angry that someone drove a car into his and that they are still here. They got to live. Billy didn’t.’
‘Mum, can we not… Please can we talk about this when we’re together? I can’t do this on the phone.’ Flora’s head began to fill with thoughts she didn’t want in there. The sound of cars, the flash of blue lights.
‘I know you don’t like talking about it, Flora. But soon there will be a trial and perhaps then you’ll understand.’
‘Mum, I can’t possibly ever know or understand how you feel. I haven’t lost a son. No one should ever have to go through that, I know that much. It must be the absolute worst feeling in the world. I can’t imagine what I’d do if anything happened to my two. But,’ she swallowed hard, ‘I lost a brother and that hurts too.’
Kate was quiet for a moment. Her voice softened. ‘I’m sorry, darling, but that’s how I feel. I’m not saying it’s any easier for you…’
‘Mum, I just—’
‘Let me finish, please, Flora. I’m just saying I feel angry, that’s all. And I’d like to be able to say so.’
‘OK, Mum. I know. And that’s totally fine.’
‘Will you please stop using the word “fine”, Flora. None of this is fine!’
By now Flora’s heart was pounding. She wanted to scream at the top of her voice, wanted to yell that it was so far from fine. But all she could manage was: ‘I’m sorry, Mum.’
‘No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be taking it out on you. But…’ Kate sighed heavily, ‘… your father is, well, he doesn’t say much, and I’m left feeling like I’m going mad. The world carries on and I want everyone to stop and know how bad it is that Billy’s not here any more. And it wasn’t even his fault.’
Flora could hear from her mother’s voice that she’d started crying. Johnny walked back into the kitchen, clocking from the look on Flora’s face that the conversation was complicated.
‘Look, I’ve got to go. I’m sorry but the kids need feeding and Johnny’s just got back.’
‘Of course, yes. You’re busy. Ring me when you have time.’
‘Mum, please don’t sound like that. Now I feel bad.’
‘No, you go. Bye, darling.’ The line went dead.
‘Well, that didn’t sound brilliant.’ Johnny picked up his glass from the table.
‘No, it really wasn’t.’ Flora sat down. ‘It was terrible, actually.’
‘What happened?’
‘It’s like, I don’t know…’ Flora
was quiet for a moment. ‘The most terrible thing has happened but because we’re all dealing with it in different ways, we can’t talk about it. Like we’re just not able to find a way to talk about it. About anything, really. I literally don’t know what to say.’
‘What do you mean?’ Johnny placed a hand on Flora’s.
‘Well, Mum feels really angry about what happened while I can’t even bring myself to think about the accident. I want to remember the good stuff before I forget it and I’m just left with the bad. But Mum’s stuck on that bit. She keeps talking about the court case coming up. And I don’t even want to think about it, any of it. Maybe I’m not ready to deal with it. Perhaps I won’t ever be… but,’ Flora shrugged, ‘definitely not yet.’
Johnny thought about it for a moment. ‘Listen, I know it feels like things will never be better, but I promise you they will. It just takes time.’ He stroked her hair, his fingers moving to her cheek to wipe away the tears slowly falling down her face. ‘In fact, I’ve got an idea, something that might just help.’
Flora looked at him. ‘What?’
He took both her hands in his. ‘I’ve been thinking we should go away for a few days, just us. Have a change of scene, spend some time together without having to worry about the kids, the shop. Or your parents. I love them but, you know… I just think you could do with a small break. So, how about we go to Venice for a couple of days? Good idea?’
She looked up and smiled at him. ‘That would be lovely, thank you.’
‘Are you sure? You don’t look very sure.’
‘No, I am, really. I’m sorry… that would be amazing.’ She forced an even bigger smile onto her face.
‘You went there with Billy when you were younger, didn’t you? I thought it might help, you know, to be somewhere that might remind you of him in a good way.’
‘That’s really thoughtful, thank you.’
‘Great, I’ll sort it out and we’ll go as soon as possible.’
‘Tilda and Susie can have… I mean, I’m sure they can help with the kids if it’s just for a couple of nights.’
‘Perfect. I’ll talk to Mack about dates and we can work it out from there. Honestly, I think you’ll love it.’
Flora kept the smile on her face but hated herself for not feeling more grateful.
‘Seriously, there’s such a lot we’ve got to fit in.’ Johnny pointed at a map on his laptop, Mack behind him with a small glass of wine in his hand. ‘There’s St Mark’s Square, the museums, the Rialto markets… It’s going to be a bit of a squeeze but we should be able to just about do it in two days, well, one and a half, if we have a plan.’
‘Which, no doubt, Johnny, you will have.’ Mack laughed, raising his glass.
‘Absolutely, Mack. You know me.’ Johnny raised his coffee cup back.
‘Where will you stay?’
‘I’ve found a small hotel, just off the Grand Canal but a bit behind the main drag. Nothing fancy but it ticks all the boxes.’
‘Sounds perfect. I know you’ll want to see all the big sights, but you must make time to just wander through the streets of the Cannaregio area to the north and sit a while with a glass of something whilst you watch the world – or rather, the local neighbourhood – go by.’
‘Definitely. You’ll have to show me where to go on the map.’
‘Goodness, it was a while ago. I went there with Elizabeth, before Jamie was born. We spent the days just walking about. We even went to the Lido and out to Murano, you know, the place with the glass? She loved it. I still have some of those glasses somewhere. We never used them; Elizabeth was too worried we’d break them.’ Mack made a mental note to try to find them, take them out of their box and use them from now on.
‘So, if it’s OK with you, we’d like to try and fit it in before Christmas. Before it gets really busy, that is. I’ve got some cover lined up: Flora’s friend Susie is keen to come and help in the shop during the day. She doesn’t know much about wine but is great with people and really keen to help.’
‘Fine with me, just let me know when suits you.’ Mack put down his glass and peered closer at the map. ‘It’s this bit here,’ he pointed at an area on the map, ‘full of little bars and restaurants where the locals go, not just tourists.’ Mack shoved his glasses further up his nose. ‘I remember one particular wine bar where we drank one of the most delicious glasses of Soave I’ve ever had. It was so subtle but so pure. I’ll have a look through my old wine notebooks, see if I can find the name of the place. If I do, you must promise me you’ll go.’
‘Based on that wine recommendation alone, I promise,’ Johnny laughed. ‘Right, I’d better get on with the stocktake.’
‘Ah, yes, don’t let me keep you from your spreadsheets.’
‘You may laugh, Mack, but without those spreadsheets…’
‘I know, I’m teasing. You know I’d be lost without you both.’ Mack turned to go up the stairs. ‘Actually, there’s another place I’ve just remembered. I can’t think what it’s called but there’s a heart-shaped stone, red brick, somewhere in the streets just off St Mark’s Square. Legend has it that if you and your loved one both touch the stone at the same time you’ll stay together forever. I remember Elizabeth was adamant that we find it.’
‘And did you?’
‘I’m not sure we ever did.’ Mack shook his head, a smile spreading across his face. ‘I think we got sidetracked.’
‘I’ll add it to the list, Mack.’
20
Kate looked out across the garden. Robin sat at the other end of the table from her, finishing off the crossword she had started earlier that day, a pot of tea between them.
‘I really must go and sort out those flower beds, but it’s so miserable out there I just can’t face it at the moment.’
‘Kate, there’s no hurry. You don’t need to do anything, not right now, anyway.’
‘Well, I’m sick of sitting here waiting to feel better.’
Robin put down his pen and went to stand behind her, putting his hands on her shoulders. ‘My darling, I’m so sorry. I wish I could make you feel better, I really do.’
Kate let out a small laugh. ‘Well, no one can ever make me feel better. This pain is never going to go away! Billy’s never coming back!’ She put her head in her hands. Every time she thought she couldn’t cry any more, along came more tears. Sometimes she felt as if they’d never stop.
Robin sat beside her. ‘Please, Kate. I know it’s awful. I wish with every bone in my body this wasn’t happening. But there’s nothing we can do to change what’s happened. All we can do is try and come to terms with it. And remember that in all of this, what’s important is that our beautiful boy was here with us for all that time. Think of the happy times we had with him, not just the pain of him not being here any more.’
‘Oh, for God’s sake, Robin, how can you make it all sound so simple? It’s not like there’s a tap for my feelings. I can’t turn them from sad to happy just like that!’
‘Darling, I understand. I miss him terribly. But we still have to live our lives; we still have our family to think about. We can’t forget Flora, Johnny and the children… they all need us, too.’
‘There you go, putting Flora ahead of me. As usual.’ Kate looked up at Robin, her eyes red, tears soaking her face.
‘Oh, Kate, please don’t say that. It’s not about putting anyone before anyone else. All I’m saying is—’
‘All you’re saying is “move on”, “pull yourself together”.’ Kate spat the words out.
‘I’m really not, Kate. I promise, that’s not what I meant at all.’ Robin dropped his head onto his chest, closing his eyes. He gently let out a long, slow breath. Opening his eyes, he saw Monty looking hopefully from him to the French windows on to the garden. ‘You want to go out?’ Monty wagged his tail and skittered to the window. ‘Come on, then.’ He opened the doors, turning back to Kate. ‘Fancy a walk down to the end of the garden with me? It’s not raining any more, at lea
st.’
‘No, you go. I’m fine here.’ She thought of Flora, their conversation the last time they spoke. ‘They’ll be in Venice by now.’
Robin looked at the clock on the wall. ‘When did they land?’
‘About an hour ago, I think.’
‘Lucky things, let’s hope it gives them a real break.’ Robin sighed. ‘Do you remember when we went, all those years ago?’
‘Mostly the drive.’ Kate rolled her eyes.
‘Oh, come on, you loved it once we got there. Do you remember the children racing through St Mark’s Square, chasing the pigeons through the puddles?’ He thought of Billy tearing ahead, shrieking with delight as the pigeons took flight, only to land again just a few feet away.
Kate couldn’t help but smile at the memory. She looked up at Robin. She’d loved this man for so long and yet she noticed a different feeling when they were together now. Something was starting to build in the pit of her stomach, like a small fire burning. She wasn’t quite ready to think about what it might mean, but she knew it was there. And it was only a matter of time before she’d have to decide whether to let it burn or put it out once and for all.
The blue-green waters of the Venice lagoon parted under the bow of the water taxi as it sped towards the city. Flora sat at the back, reclining on the seat with her coat wrapped around her, her scarf trailing behind her in the wind, sunglasses firmly in place.
Johnny stood up, taking in the sight of the floating city in front of them. The late afternoon sun cast a pale orange glow across the sky, the outline of towers and domes sitting above the horizon, the sturdy Ponte della Libertà on their right. The driver pointed out various landmarks to Johnny who tried, in broken Italian, to exclaim his joy at seeing it all for the first time.
As the city drew nearer, the taxi slowed and soon, they were gliding along the Grand Canal. Flora looked up at the tall, flat-fronted buildings sitting on either side, many storeys high. Boats passed them on either side, empty gondolas floating lazily at the edges tethered by posts that looked like candy canes.
