Ignite (Explosive)

by Tessa Teevan

  I get it. I really do, but she has to understand that that’s life. You live. You die. You never know when you’re going to be called home. She’s worried about my job because it’s dangerous. Doesn’t she know how many of us come home versus those who don’t? What she doesn’t understand is that more people are killed in car accidents in the U.S. per day than soldiers who lose their lives overseas. My job may be more dangerous, but that doesn’t increase my chances of dying. I just don’t know how to get that through her head.

  I’m pulling into her driveway, both anticipating and dreading the weekend ahead of us. We have three days until I leave again, and I’m terrified that she’s going to withdraw from me even further.

  Jogging up her steps, I smack three hard knocks on her door, hoping to catch her at home.

  After a few moments, the front door finally opens. She’s standing there, holding the door knob with a cut-off t-shirt that’s splattered in random paint colors. She looks beautiful in her oversized sweatpants and messy bun.

  Smiling up at me, she swings the door open wider for me to come in.

  “You’re early. I wasn’t expecting you until tonight,” she says as I greet her with a quick kiss.

  “I finished all my paperwork and was able to head out early,” I tell her, taking her into my arms.

  It’s been three weeks since we’ve been able to spend any time together, so I’ve missed the feel of her small body wrapped around mine. Kissing the top of her forehead, my eyes finally wander around the room. Plastic sheeting is laid down in the hallway, and painting supplies rest on top of it. All of the pictures on the wall are missing, and half of the wall has already been painted.

  “Redecorating?” I ask her, wondering what brought on the sudden change.

  She twists her hands in the hem of her t-shirt before she answers me. Her eyes turn shy, and she looks away from me.

  “Umm, I’m painting the whole house and then I’m going to get new carpet. I’ve decided to put the house on the market. It’s too big for just me. I just think it’s time for a change,” she informs me in a soft voice.

  Leaning back from her, I lift her chin so she’s looking at me, a move I seem to be doing with her a lot lately.

  “Are you sure, babe? I know how much you love this place. All the memories you have here. There’s no need to move.”

  Her eyes soften as she gives me a small smile. “I just think it’s time, Jace. And I figured that I’d want something to keep me busy when you’re gone, so I’m going to try and finish all the renovations if you come home.”

  I bristle at her choice in words as her hand flies to her mouth.

  “I’m sorry, Jace, I meant when. Not if. When. I’m sorry. I’ve… I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. And the closer it gets…” She trails off before plastering a fake smile on her face. “Let’s not worry about that right now. We’ve got time.”

  We’re going to have to talk about it sooner or later, and right now later is sounding much better, so I let her change the subject. She sets me to work and we finish up the painting job in no time.

  The next two days pass by way too quickly as we set about getting her house ready to sell.

  It’s my last night here and I know I can’t leave without knowing where Alexa’s head is at. I need to know what she wants for the future, if she even wants one at all. I’ve spent months giving her time, but I don’t think I can get on an airplane without finding out where this is going. We’ve skated past the issue all weekend, and as much as I don’t want to get to the heavy stuff tonight, I can’t put it off any longer.

  “Want to eat in tonight?” Alexa asks, getting ready in the bathroom where we’ve just finished showering.

  “That’s fine with me. I’d rather have the privacy,” I tell her as my arms circle her waist.

  Her head leans into my chest, and looking at our reflections in the mirror, I can see her eyes are closed. I’m thinking that this is perfect moment, so I’m about to open up with her but she beats me to the punch as she turns around and gets up on her toes to give me a kiss.

  “I’m going to go get dinner started. It’s about time I actually cook for you for once,” she smiles, giving me a wink before leaving me alone in the bathroom with nothing but my thoughts.

  An hour later, we’re seated at the oak dining table, just finishing up eating the lasagna she made from scratch. It was her mom’s recipe, and she surprisingly made it even better.

  “That was incredible, babe. You’ve been holding out on me. I had no idea you could cook like this,” I say, causing her eyes to light up at me as she takes a sip of the Chianti that was paired perfectly with the meal.

  “Mom forced me to come over for cooking lessons as soon as she found out I was engaged. She actually taught me quite a bit,” she tells me.

  “Well, it was great. I’m definitely making you spend more time in the kitchen in the future,” I tease.

  Throwing her napkin at me, she sends a fake glare in my direction.

  “This was nice. I don’t know why we’ve never eaten in the dining room before. I like having you at my table.”

  Now I know she’s just given me the perfect opening. Drumming my fingers on the wooden table, I clear my throat before taking a healthy swig of wine.

  “I like being here, babe. I love it. And I love you. You know that,” I say, taking her hand in mine. “I’ve been patient. I’ve been willing to let you set the pace in this relationship. And I’ve been okay with it. But I’m walking out that door tomorrow and I need to know that in six months I’m going to be able to walk right back in.”

  Her eyes race from her wine glass to my face. They soften slightly as she responds. “Of course, Jace. You’ll always have a place here.”

  “Always?” I ask.

  She nods in confirmation before looking away from me.

  “And after I’m back? Where will we be then?”

  Toying with the stem of her glass, she keeps her eyes down. “I don’t know, Jace. Let’s just get through this separation first. Then we figure out where to go from there.”

  “What if I don’t want to wait another six months before we figure it out? I know what I want. I know where I want this to go, but I have no clue what’s going on in your mind. When you think about the future, what do you see, Alexa?”

  She lets out a sigh, draining her glass and refilling it before she answers me. “I don’t know. I honestly don’t. I stopped thinking about my future a long time ago.”

  Rising from my seat, I pace back and forth through the room a couple of times as I try to figure out how to keep my cool. I stop directly across from her, place my hands on the table, and lean into her.

  “Do you want to know what I see? I see you. You’re wearing my ring, having my kids. I see us not just playing house but actually living it. That’s what I’ve always seen. Because I love you and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. If you can’t see those same things, then why are we even doing this?”

  I’M FROZEN in my seat as Jace’s question rolls over me. Say something, you idiot, I think as his eyes bore down on me. My mind is muddled as I rack my brain trying to figure out what to say. It’s not that I don’t see those things—I haven’t allowed myself to. I’m not sure how to make him understand this in a way that won’t hurt him.

  “Two years ago, I lost all hope of ever starting a family. Thoughts about the future consumed me day and night. You don’t know what it’s like to lie in bed alone night after night, having lost the person you love. The person you were going to spend the rest of your life with.”

  “Yeah, babe, actually, I do,” he whispers as he cuts me off.

  “You know what I mean, Jace. Sure, he and I had our issues, but I lost so much more than Ty that day. I lost myself. I lost my future. I lost all my hopes and dreams. I lost damn near everything. My heart shattered in a way that I thought made it irreparable. So I pushed all thoughts of any future where I could be happy out of my mind, because at the
time, I didn’t think it was possible. It took a long time and a lot of love from my family and Brady, but I finally found myself again. And then you walked back into my life, and as much as I wanted to fight it, happiness found me when you did.”

  Tears threaten to spill onto my face, so I close my eyes firmly as I continue.

  “The things you want, I want them, too. I promise you that I do. But can’t you see how terrified I am? I already buried one person I loved. But you—burying you, Jace, would kill me. I don’t think I could survive it.”

  He rounds the table and pulls me out of my chair so that I’m standing in front of him. As he gently cups my face, his thumbs swipe the tears that are now falling. He takes me in his arms, letting my tears soak the front of his shirt, and he gently kisses the top of my head.

  “Babe, I can’t stand here and give you platitudes about how you’re not going to lose me, because I won’t make you a promise that I don’t know I can keep. I’ll rehash what I told you last time. I’ll do everything in my power to make it back to you. I’ll never intentionally put myself in harm’s way. Here’s the thing I don’t get, Alexa. You say you couldn’t handle losing me if you finally give your heart to me completely, but what about now? Would you holding the most precious part of yourself back from me really make it any easier to deal with?”

  I shake my head against his chest, knowing he’s right. I’ve already given him my heart even if I haven’t voiced the words. That’s why I want to kick myself and just say them. But I can’t now. He’ll think I’m only doing it because he wants me to. I need to do it on my terms, and I need to come to a place where I can fully accept my fears.

  “That’s what I thought. I love you, and I know I could lose you at any moment. That’s life, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have the same fears as you. But that’s the thing about love. It’s a risk, a gamble, and life could deal you any hand that could instantly turn your world upside down. I could go the next ten years like I spent the past ones, casual relationship to casual relationship, never getting serious with anyone because I was afraid of getting my heart broken. After the reunion, I didn’t want that anymore. What I’m saying is that you’re worth the risk. Even if I knew our relationship would be short-lived, I’d spend every single second of that time loving you. Every day that passes with us in this limbo, that’s another set of memories we’re missing out on.”

  My heart both fills at his words and breaks at my cowardice. Every single thing he’s saying makes perfect sense. If only my heart and my head would come to an agreement. My heart is screaming at me to throw myself in him arms and declare my love, but my head keeps picturing his tattoo, a symbol that he could leave and never come back.

  Wiping my tears, I pull back from him. “Jace, I...”

  He stops me when he bends down, placing a soft kiss on my lips. “Please don’t say anything. Not tonight. I know your feelings run deep, but you still have to sort them out on your own.”

  With that, he picks me up in his arms and carries me to the bedroom, effectively ending the conversation. He lays me on the bed before he gently removes my clothes as he proceeds to make love to me. He’s slow and sweet, taking his time to worship my body, but I can see the underlying desperation in his eyes. It’s like he’s trying to shower me with his love with every kiss, every stroke, and every word he whispers in my ear. I’m drowning in his tenderness, and his slow, methodical movements become too much.

  I wrap my legs around him, trying to increase the pace, but he refuses to match mine. Instead he places his hands on my thighs, stilling me, as he continues to roll his hips into me in a leisurely fashion. The way his eyes watch me intensely is unnerving, as if he’s trying to commit this entire thing to memory. It scares me, because the way he’s reverently making love to me brings on a sense of finality. It’s as if he’s trying to create this last perfect memory because he doesn’t know if he’ll ever get it again. We both have fears that this is the last time we’ll be together, but both for very different reasons.

  Finally, after minutes of driving me insane, I hear him whisper, “Fuck,” and he stills inside of me as his release hits him. He braces himself on the bed before pulling out, and he looks down at me with a pain in his eyes that sends a scorching flame to the very bottom of my heart. I have the urge to look away, and yet I can’t. I’m the one doing this to him, the one causing him so much pain, and I hate myself for it.

  I run my fingers down the length of his back, and I can see the shimmer in his eyes before he turns away from me. As he sits up on the edge of the bed, I get a view of his naked back. His shoulders are slumped and he’s leaning forward, elbows on his knees, head in his hands. He takes in a deep breath before rising to his feet.

  “I’m going to take a quick shower so I can head out first thing in the morning,” he informs me, not looking in my direction.

  “Jace, please…” I whisper, and he turns back to face me.

  His eyes soften as he takes in the sight of me, naked and vulnerable but not willing to lay myself out completely for him. Going into the bathroom, he quickly comes back out with a damp towel. He tenderly cleans me up, and I want to protest, not wanting Jace to wash himself away from me. Without saying a word, he leaves the room so he can rinse me off of his skin. And for the first time since we’ve been together, I don’t join him.

  IT’S BEEN three weeks since Jace left. Three weeks that I’ve been in a fog, struggling to find a brightness in my day. That last night, something broke inside both of us. When he came back to bed after his shower, he was silent as he crawled in behind me. As usual, he wrapped one arm around my waist and pulled me into him.

  “Love you, babe,” he whispered into my hair.

  I swallowed hard as I responded. “Me, too,” I said, feeling him tense up behind me. After a moment, his hold on me loosened as he settled in.

  “Get some sleep,” he said, brushing me off, turning away from me.

  That last night we had together was spent on opposite ends of the bed, another first for us.

  The morning he left was even more awkward. We normally woke with one of us waking the other before leaving the bed. In that moment, I was fortunate that the sun spilling through the blinds woke me enough to find him packing.

  “What’re you doing?” I asked, not sure why he was getting ready without waking me.

  He turned to me, a mask covering the face that normally smiled brightly when he saw me first thing in the morning.

  “I’m just packing up, Alexa. We knew this was happening. I’ve got to be on a plane in nine hours. And it’s going to take at least three just to get back home and grab my stuff. I’m exhausted and I just want to get back to Ft. Campbell.”

  I sat up in bed and took in his uniformed body. Seeing him in it sprung tears in my eyes, because this was it. This was finally happening. He was really leaving.

  He grabbed his duffel bag and headed towards the front door. Pulling on an oversized t-shirt, I followed him. He gave Toby one last rub between his ears before opening the door. Taking a final glance around the living room, he stepped out on the porch with me right behind him. When he reached the bottom step, he set the duffel bag down. We were eye to eye now, and my heart shattered as the tears began to flow down my face.

  He exhaled slowly, letting out a long breath as his left hand came up to cup my cheek.

  “I told you once and I’ll tell you again. I’ll always come back to you. I love you. More than I ever thought I could love anyone. And I know you feel it, too, but until you can trust in us enough to admit it, then this is going nowhere. Six months and I’ll be back. I hope you can figure it out by then.”

  My breath hitched and my heart was screaming at me to tell him how I felt, but I was frozen. He was leaving. With one last fleeting look, he drew me into his arms in a tight embrace. My arms wrapped around him, holding tightly, never wanting to let go. He leaned down to kiss me, and what was at first gentle quickly turned passionate as we both tried to get our fill
. We drank each other in as tears spilled, and I didn’t know if they were his or mine. He began to pull away, but I held on with all I had. I don’t know how long we stood there, but it wasn’t long enough. He finally removed me from him, and he looked down at me. I could see a mixture of longing, love, and hesitation.

  “I’ll be back soon. Love you, beautiful,” he whispered, and with one last kiss, he turned and walked away.

  I watched him climb into his car and back out of the driveway, and I continued watching the road long after he was gone, his words replaying in my head, over and over. Five beautiful, heart-stopping words. Be back soon. Love you.

  Hearing a car honk down the street, I pull myself out of my thoughts and decide to go for a run in the afternoon sun. I’m feeling anxious from the lack of communication with Jace. We’ve only been able to exchange a few emails because of his location at the forward operating base. Locking up the house, I hit the pavement. For the next mile, the conversation I had with Brady earlier today plays in my mind.

  Brady came into my office, took one look at my miserable face, and shook his head. He sat down, simply looking at me, not saying a word.

  “I’m an idiot,” I told him.

  Brady nodded before responding. “You’ve been an idiot for a while, honey.”

  “He loves me,” I said, ignoring him.

  “He’s loved you for a long time.”

  “I didn’t tell him. He left and I never told him. How could I have been so stupid?”

  “You’re not stupid, Alexa. You’re just scared. Too scared to give your heart away again. But you’re going to have to make a choice. He’s not going to wait around forever. Right now he may love you enough for the both of you, but one day that won’t cut it. You have to decide if he’s worth the risk. And we both know that he is, so pull your head out of your ass and get over it before you lose him completely. Because while there’s always a chance something could happen to him, if you continue you on like this, you’re going to wind up alone anyway.”