by W. S. Greer
I let out a loud laugh that echoed through the narrow halls as Lexy and I pushed open the doors leading into the staff parking lot.
“I’m not kidding,” Lexy went on, “If Mike cheated I would burn his pecker, then I’d divorce his ass and take half his salary. Yeah, that’s it. Give him a hot pecker, then take half of his shit. Teach him to cheat on me.”
I laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my face, smearing my makeup. It didn’t bother me because I knew I wasn’t going to be going home to anyone anyway.
“That’s what I’ve always loved about you, Lex. You can always make me laugh,” I said as I wiped the tears from my face. “But, you know Mike would never do that to you, anyway. You guys are, like, the ultimate couple. Twelve years of marriage and you’re still happy. You guys are amazing.”
“That doesn’t mean that it’s not hard work, just because it looks easy from the outside. Mike and I love each other, and he makes it easy because he knows how to treat a lady—which basically means he does whatever I say. Plus, having our eight-year old daughter helps, too. But we have our moments when we want to kill each other. It’s not easy staying committed for so long, but the foundation is the commitment. Tim wasn’t committed, so you guys didn’t work. It takes two committed adults, not one,” Lexy said.
“Yeah, I know that’s how it is supposed to go. But I seem to only be capable of finding the assholes in Chicago. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t getting old. Being alone really sucks.”
“I know that it sucks, but that doesn’t mean that you should settle for a douche bag like Timothy Bulger. You’re only twenty-two years old, and you are absolutely stunning to look at with that cute little nose ring and that sexy, jet black, hair. Plus, I’m sure you’re a firecracker in between the sheets. You just have to be patient and let the right guy come to you. The more you hunt for a good guy, the more assholes you’re going to find. You need to let them chase you.”
“Well, that’s a lot easier said than done,” I muttered.
“Just be patient, honey. The right guy will come along. You’ll see. He’ll sweep you off your feet.”
Lexy and I reached our cars, which were parked side by side, and I couldn’t help but wonder if what Lexy was saying was true. Was I really trying too hard to find a good man? Was that really the reason all of my boyfriends turned out to be dickheads? Was I one of those women who was in love with the idea of falling in love? The last thing that I wanted to be was one of those women who spread her legs for every man that showed me some attention just to end up unsatisfied, with a broken heart.
But how was I supposed to just sit around and wait when I went home to an empty house every night? I’d had the same routine since I graduated from college. I went to the gym after school let out and worked out for an hour every day, and then drove home and cooked myself a small meal—one that never took more than ten minutes to make—and ate on my little blue couch in my living room while watching MTV to get caught up on the daily reality TV drama. Then after a couple of hours going over important “work things” and texting Lexy, I got a very small snack and climbed into bed, and was asleep by nine-thirty.
The only time the routine changed was when I was dating someone. At least then I had a night or two a week that I could go out and spend time with another human being. I didn’t have to tag along on Lexy’s date nights with her husband and totally ruin the happy couple’s romantic setting. I was tired of my monotonous routine and I wanted nothing more than to spend my days with someone who didn’t annoy me. Someone who didn’t cheat on me with hideous school nurses. Someone who loved me.
“I really should have known better, you know,” I said as I unlocked the door to my ‘08 Honda Accord, which was still in my father’s name. “I never should have dated someone who was so much older than me anyway. Especially someone who has already been divorced.”
Lexy threw her purse into the passenger seat of her Toyota Tundra and then started the truck so she could turn on the air conditioner before closing the door. “Yeah, well, I can’t argue with you there,” she joked. “Dating a guy fourteen years your senior probably wasn’t the best idea, but I understand the allure. I mean, he is handsome. He’s just a bastard. A handsome bastard. But you also dated Paul the P.E. teacher and he’s the same age as you.”
“Ugh, don’t remind me. Maybe I just need to stop trying to date people who work in the school with us. I’m zero for three with co-workers now. I think we may have found the problem.”
“Yeah, that seems to be the cause, I’d say. Like I said, honey, you just need to slow down, and let a man come to you. Maybe you should just focus on you for a while, or maybe even date casually and don’t look for anything serious. Explore a little. Find out what you like and what you don’t like. Sow your wild oats. It’s okay if you suck a few dicks before you settle down.”
I couldn’t even say anything. All I could do was hold my stomach as I laughed my ass off.
“What? I’m serious! The more dicks you suck, the better you’ll be at it when it’s time to get married and keep your husband happy. A little experience never hurt anybody.”
“Well, I haven’t experienced very much. Nothing very good, that’s for sure,” I said once I finally was able to control my laughter. “Well, I guess I better get out of here. I have a Stairmaster with my name on it.”
“Okay, honey. Well, you text me when you get home, okay?”
“Will do.”
As I started to close the door to my car, I heard Lexy speak up once more.
“Hey, Lil, remember what I said, okay. You don’t have to settle for any ole’ thing that shows you interest. You deserve better than average. You deserve better than someone’s bullshit. You just wait and see. Someone amazing is going to come sweep you off your feet sometime soon. Someone unlike anything you’ve have ever had before. Someone who is going to put that asshole Timothy to shame. You just wait and see.”
My cab pulled into the Applebee’s parking lot at about seven-thirty on Saturday night. After spending the entire day catching up on grading papers and reading Fifty Shades Of Grey, I was ready to have a drink or two—or ten—and was thrilled when Lexy texted me about going out for a drink. It didn’t matter to me where it was, as long as it got me out of my house I was happy to oblige.
Applebee’s was the place where Lexy and I would sometimes meet to have girl’s nights and talk about what was going on in our lives. Lexy would tell me about the latest fight between her and Mike, and then finish it off with how amazing their make-up sex was. I, on the other hand, would constantly complain about how mundane my life was and how I was dying for something more exciting. We usually sat at the bar for three or four hours sipping Cosmopolitans until getting kicked out of the restaurant so that they could close, and we needed to call cabs to come pick us up. We had our routine down pat, and tonight had all the ingredients for an epic, gossiping Cosmo fest.
As I pushed my way through the crowd of people on the waiting list for the dining area, I entered the bar section and immediately noticed Lexy seated at the bar with a man sitting next to her. I knew that it wasn’t her husband because she told me he wasn’t tagging along, which meant that the guy must have been someone who was hitting on her.
Lexy never failed to turn heads when she went out, even at the age of thirty-five. She was a natural redhead with 38DD breasts and an even bigger personality, which meant that both men and women came flocking to her, especially when she was dolled up like she was tonight. Lexy didn’t look amused by the guy talking her ear off, but when she saw me she perked up and quickly waved me over. The annoying guy with a beard that he obviously hadn’t trimmed in about six months, looked over in my direction and smiled at me too. Lexy rolled her eyes when she noticed.
“Hi,” I said to Lexy as I gave her a hug and took my seat on the side of her opposite the bearded man. “Who’s this?” I quipped.
“Who, this guy?” Lexy said, pointing with her thumb in the beard’s direction.
“Oh, this is someone who was just leaving.”
Lexy turned her barstool around until her back was to the man and she was only facing me. The bearded guy looked totally defeated as he walked away. Lexy never even saw him leave.
“Wow! I’m sorry I missed that one,” I said with a giggle.
“Holy shit. I know,” Lexy said energetically. “Thanks so much for saving me. I had been looking for a reason to turn my back to that guy for the past five minutes. Persistent little bastard.”
“He couldn’t help himself. That’s what happens when you wear this skin tight little green dress with your boobs popping out of the top. You attract ugly guys with huge beards. Happens all the time,” I joked as I ordered my first Cosmo of the night.
“I know, right? My plastic surgeon did an awesome job, but that little hippie will just have to get over it. What about you?”
“What do you mean? What about me?” I asked, defensive.
“I mean look at this little black skirt with your skin tight halter shirt. And your tits aren’t exactly tucked away, now are they?”
“Yeah but my boobs aren’t anywhere near the size of yours so they get less attention,” I countered with a half-smile.
“Oh, whatever,” she shot back, then sipped of her drink.
“How many is that for you?”
“I’m on number two already. You have to catch up, honey.”
“Wow. I guess I do,” I said, taking another big gulp. “So, talk to me. What’s been going on with you? How’s Mike and Amy?”
“They’re both fine, I guess. Mike hasn’t been too annoying since the weekend started, so I don’t have anything to complain about, really. And Amy has been outside running around, doing her usual eight-year-old thing. She played outside all day today and fell asleep as soon as she came in. Pretty quiet weekend so far.”
“What? No weekend fights with amazing, rough, make-up sex?”
Lexy let out an emphatic chuckle. “Sorry to disappoint. But, you never know with us. I’ll probably have something juicy for on you on Monday. What about you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Did you meet any hot guys at the gym last night?”
“Yeah, right. My luck is nowhere near that good. However, I did see a woman who had bigger muscles than most of the guys in the gym. She was checking me out quite a bit between her sets on the bench press, but as you know, my boat doesn’t float that way. More power to her though,” I said. “There was also a nerdy guy wearing pink spandex and a white tank top and a backpack walking on the treadmill next to me. A lot of weirdness, but no hot guys,” I said.
“Damn,” Lexy replied. “You really do have bad luck. You know, I find it interesting that you aren’t having to fight guys away with a baseball bat. You’re a hot little piece of ass, and you’re only twenty-two. I mean, look at you with your perfect skin, cute little bob haircut, and awesome tattoos. Hell, if I was a guy I would be all over you. Shit, if I was single I would be all over you.”
I burst out laughing and smacked the bar in front of me. The sound grabbed the attention of the bartender, who shot me a flirty little smile as he served drinks to the couple across from us.
“I don’t have trouble with finding men,” I complained. “I have trouble finding the right men. I don’t know why, but I seem to only attract the boring, dull, lifeless assholes in this city. The assholes definitely flock to me.”
Just as the words spilled out of my mouth, a man wearing a white, collared shirt, suspenders, and thick bifocals came and took a seat next to me. As he sat down, he stared directly at me with a weird half-smile. I tried to nod at him and then turn around quickly, but he was too fast. Before I could turn around he began speaking to me.
“Hi there,” the nerd said. His breath wreaked of what I thought was a combination of Tequila and peanut butter.
I didn’t respond. I hoped that if I ignored him he would just go away. I was wrong.
“My name is Paxon,” the man said. I held my breath and turned around to face him as Lexy put her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing out loud.
“That’s nice,” I said, hesitant. As I tried to turn around again, Paxon continued.
“I saw you when you first came in. It took me a while to build up the nerve to come and talk to you. You’re really pretty, you know that? Do you mind if I buy you a drink?”
I looked down at my drink and frowned when I saw that it was almost empty and that I would be needing another one soon. I knew that if I let him buy me a drink he would think I was interested. I needed to steal a page from Lexy’s book if I wanted to get rid of this guy, but that wasn’t quite my style.
“Umm, no thanks,” I replied. “I’m fine, actually. But thanks for asking.”
“Are you sure? I would love to buy you another drink. What is that? A cherry martini?” Paxon wasn’t taking no for an answer.
“Umm, no, really. I really do appreciate it, but I’m fine. Just a having a drink with my girlfriend here. But I appreciate it. I’m flattered,” I lied.
Paxon shot me a crooked smile. He apparently thought that by turning him down I was sending him a signal to try harder. He had no idea how wrong he was.
Suddenly, Paxon turned to the bartender and began trying to order me a drink.
“Bartender,” he said, “get this pretty lady another cherry martini, please. On me.”
“Jesus-fucking-Christ!” Lexy blared from the other side of me. “She said she doesn’t want you to buy her a drink. You don’t even have the drink order right, Dexter! I mean, seriously, look at her. You’re obviously way out of your league here. Please crawl back to whatever laboratory you came from so me and my friend can finish our night in peace. Thanks.”
I snapped my head back around to look at Paxon. He didn’t seem the type to be able to stand up to a hot tempered, filterless woman like Lexy.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend. I … sorry,” Paxon stammered just before scooting off of his seat and slinking away.
“Holy shit, Lex, I think you made him cry. Why do you have to be so mean?” I said.
“What! You should be thanking me. I just saved you from another thirty minutes with that professor over there. See, this is why you keep getting caught with these boring losers you keep dating. You are just way too nice, Lil.”
“I know. I just can’t talk to guys the way you do. I have no idea how you do that.”
“You want to know how I do it? Just stop caring so much about their feelings. Guys get over girls very quickly. Ten minutes from now, Dexter over there will see another ‘pretty lady’ walk in, and he will be all fantasizing about her boobs and whatnot. He won’t even remember that I shot him down. So you have to just do what you have to do. If not, you’re going to keep getting the same old, boring bullshit. Is that what you want?”
I shot Lexy an angry look. “Of course not.”
“Well, then, you can’t settle. I know you’re tired of being bored with these guys. Hell, when was the last time you even had sex?”
“Jeez, I don’t know,” I answered as I thought. “I guess the last time was the day before I caught Tim with his dick in Angela’s mouth.”
“Jesus, Lily, that was over a month ago! And when was the last time that you had good sex?”
It took a little longer to think about that one. “I don’t know, actually. Tim was good in the beginning, but he kind of fell off towards the end.”
“Fell off?”
“Yeah, I mean he stopped wanting to do it as much, and when we did do it he just didn’t have the same stamina he had in the beginning. He always got off really fast and then it was over.”
“Oh, wow. This is bad,” Lexy said. She ordered another Cosmo, then turned her body so that she could look me in the eye. “Okay, so who were you with before you got with Tim? And, did you have good sex with that guy?”
“Before I was with Tim, I dated a guy named Franklin. He was an intern at my mom’s job. The sex was terrible and I broke it off
after about two weeks. Before that was Paul, the P.E. teacher. I know you remember me telling you how bad that one was. He was the premature ejaculator, remember?”
Lexy laughed loudly and smacked me playfully on the knee. “Holy shit, how could I forget that? Of course I remember the stories about that loser. Is that the one who jizzed in his pants the first time you guys kissed?”
“Ugh. Yes, that’s him.”
“Wow, I’ll never look at him the same ever again. It’s going to be hard not to make fun of him when I drop my class off for P.E.” Lexy joked. “So, when was the last time you had a really good orgasm?”
I blushed at the initial thought, but the feeling quickly dissipated when I tried to think about the answer.
“I’m not sure. I think I had one when me and Tim hooked up for the first time. I don’t know if it was because he was that good or because I was so excited to be with him.”
“Eww. You were excited to be with Tim?”
“Shut up!” I japed. “Yes, I was excited. I thought he was hot.”
“Wow. You need help, sister,” Lexy teased, shaking her head. “So, are you telling me that you haven’t had an orgasm caused by someone other than yourself since you and Tim started dating over six months ago?”
“I know it’s sad, but it’s true. I really do need help. No, what I need is some fucking adventure. I need something different than the boring men I’ve been dealing with. You’re right, I have been too nice. If I was able to do what you do, I wouldn’t have dated half of the losers that I have. I can’t even tell you how tired I am of the boring sex. The fucking flowers with cards from guys that call me “sweet pea” or “snookums” or “doll face.” I’ve been running the batteries low on my vibrator for far too long. I think I’ve gotten so used to faking orgasms that I’ve forgotten what it was like to actually have one!”
“So, what you’re saying is you don’t think Paxon was an orgasm machine?” Lexy said as she began laughing her ass off.
“I get the feeling he wasn’t. I bet him and Paul, the premature ejaculator, would have a lot in common.”
