Sweet Sins

by Kent, Madison

  After seeing Adam and his wife’s pictures, her enthusiasm about her news had waned and all she felt like doing was leaving. Something inside of her, though, refused to accept this harsh reality and she began thinking again of her true love and the love they made together. Her passions bubbling like volcanic lava within her. When her mental state was blissful, she lived in Oz. When she was intensely hurt, her bleakness was a spiraling abyss in the darkness of space. She believed one day she would just explode like a dwarf star from the push and pull within her.

  She curled up against the familiar sheets, his scent lingering there and waited.

  “Arianna, what the…what are you doing here? What’s going on? It must be something or you wouldn’t just show up here. Is it serious?”

  “I know I shouldn’t have intruded without letting you know first but I had a fantastic day. Something awesome happened and I just had to tell you. I made a TV commercial today. I was the only one in the spot and I was paid $500 for just about an hour’s worth of work. Imagine that. It’s just thrilling. I don’t make that kind of money in two weeks working for Jackie at her agency.”

  “Damn, girl, that’s great! You’re a regular artist. I know you always talk about your modeling but I thought it was like a hobby. You are a little short to be a model, aren’t you? I’m happy as hell for you. You know, someday I’m gonna’ do something great and you’ll be with me when I do.”

  “You are right about that, where else would I be but with you. My height, yeah, and I’m kind of small breasted too but there are other things I can do that the height doesn’t matter and so far I have been lucky enough to do a few brochures and some print ads. I’ve been complimented on my voice and have done voice overs for cash flow and I love doing the radio spots.”

  “You have a voice like Bacardi and Coke, smooth as silk and a little lusty, just like an engine kicking in at the start of a race.”

  “That’s an interesting thing to say, thanks. That’s one of the things I love about you, you don’t think like anyone else. A couple of unorthodox souls we are, united by our mutual allures.”

  “I’ll cancel dinner with my Mum and we’ll go to Armand’s or wherever you like. Let’s go celebrate.”

  “No, don’t do that. Your Mom probably has everything ready for you, but I’d like to wait here for you to come home, if that’s OK?”

  Adam called his Mom while she lay against him, happy.

  “Mum, I’m gonna’ be a little late and I’m bringing someone with me.”

  Her eyes popped as she motioned to him, no, no.

  “Yes, Mum, I know Patty Jo might show up. Yeah, I know I’m still married but I want you to meet her. You know how I feel about her.”

  “Adam, honestly, no…I don’t know how to act, what to do around your Mom. I understand that she won’t feel comfortable knowing that we are both married and not to each other. That would freak me out too if it were my kids.”

  “Girl, girl, settle donn, settle donn.”

  Adam’s Pennsylvania accent was charming to her and she would love to meet his Mom but she was so uncomfortable.

  “Look, don’t worry. She’s one of a kind. She loves everybody and she will love you. I know her. She’s an awesome Mum. You’ll have a good time, I promise.”

  About ten minutes later they had already arrived at his mother’s home. Reluctantly, she tip toed across the threshold.

  A rotund figure in a flowery dress beckoned her in.

  “Come on in, come on, don’t just stand there kids, the dinner’s getting cold. I’m not going to bite you,” said Mrs. Ryder jovially.

  She had smiling eyes, was well tanned and had a gleaming white smile. Her endearing welcome made Arianna feel a little better. She would learn to love her for there were so many reasons to. Her belly laugh could shake the house, it was so contagious and her graciousness was unlike any other she had known. She found herself laughing along without even knowing why but she made all around her feel special. She piled high on her plate the dinner she had made of roast beef and potatoes and mounds of grave. Even though she was only expecting Adam, she had cooked enough for ten people (that was her way).

  “Eat, eat, you are too thin and you too Adam. Please, please, kids, eat a lot, I have plenty and I’ll get the dessert next. I made those pastries you like.”

  “Mum, can you get us both a Bacardi and Coke?”

  “Adam, why don’t you do it? Your Mom’s been doing everything else.”

  “No, no, she likes to do it. Don’t you Mum?”

  “I’ll get you the drinks, don’t worry about it. Adam, I found a fruit rat in the bathroom. Jesus Maria, I almost died, I tell you. Imagine that, Jesus Maria a rat in the house. And then all this rain, I’m afraid it will flood again. You remember the floor we had. I tell you, Adam; I can’t go through another flood. This stress is killing me,” she said as she wiped the sweat from her forehead.

  “Mum, not the flood again, not on Arianna’s first night here.”

  She started laughing as she sauntered back to the table and sat sipping her drink. She liked a good strong drink so hers looked more like spritzer and rum.

  With her Pennsylvania accent, she said, “OK, OK. You two go on and get out of here. I’ll whoorsh the supper dishes and clean up. Take some food with you. I hope you kids know what you’re doing—Jesus Maria, God Bless us all.”

  “Your Mom is such a sweetheart. She’s just like you, one of a kind.”

  “Come here, girl,” he said as he pulled her as close as they could get in the Mustang’s bucket seats.

  “I guess you could say she’s my best friend besides my Mum. She’s spoiled me ever since I was a kid. After my Dad died, she started drinking. I had never seen her take a drink before that, she just had her cup of Joe. Since that tragic day, she went sailing over the edge. I would stay with her at night and she would cry and cry. It would flip me out because I didn’t know how to help her. Sometimes she would just drink until she fell asleep and then I would go out. She never even knew it but I would stay out sometimes most of the night partying and trying to forget. I wonder how I made it through school with the way I burned myself out.”

  “You know my Dad worked sweaty, long hard hours all his life. He and Mum owned a restaurant in Pennsylvania. They just passed in the night sometime. My Mum would take one shift and he another. Florida was always their retirement destination. My siblings were already grown and married when they moved here. I was the youngest and still at home. I was just 15 when we arrived here and one week later, my Dad was dead. I was with him; he died in my arms calling my name. We were at the motocross races when he had a heart attack. I was just a kid and I didn’t know what to do. By the time the ambulance came, he was gone.”

  Arianna watched him intently as his face twisted with pain. He looked old right now, old and weary. This was the first time he had confided anything to her about that day.

  “It must have been overwhelming to watch your father die. I couldn’t even begin to imagine how painful that must have been. Do you still think about it a lot?”

  “Sure, especially sometimes when I’m at the track. I push so hard I feel like I’m in a demolition race instead of motocross. I have a lot of anger about it. I was only 15; most kids have their fathers much longer than that. I sometimes wonder if I had known CPR back then if I could have saved him. There’s a lot of guilt in me about that. It still rips me up to think about it. That didn’t talk about or teach stuff like that back then. It’s just a painful memory, it probably always will be.”

  Chapter VII

  Betrayal

  Arianna was alone when she returned. The children would not be back till the morning. She put on Dylan, not because she liked him that much, but because it reminded her of him. She always felt the need to be as close to him as she could even if he wasn’t there. Lying in bed, the soft hue of the moonlight peering through the drapes, she could not stop thinking about the way he looked today. He had finally invited her to watch him r
ace. How rugged and fine he looked, grappling with the bike, bouncing over rough terrain. His muscles were bulging beneath his hard tan body that had been splashed with mud. He had such a power over her that if he whispered her name from a mile away, she felt she could hear it and would come running to him.

  This would be a difficult week for her being without him. Somehow she would have to get use to the idea that he would be spending the week with his wife. He would be going to New York for a family wedding; the family pressure for them to appear at his brother’s wedding together had become insurmountable. She would see him one more time before he left so she would make the most of that day.

  On Monday, she took the boys to Pass-A-Grille Beach. The water sloshed and covered them with sea spray. Sitting close to the shore, she watched the boys play happily.

  “Joshua, stop it!”

  Joshua had removed his bathing suit and threw it as far as he could and began running. When she looked the other way, Brent had done the same thing. Shrieking with glee, the boys ran naked down the beach. Their maneuvering abilities seem to have been taught in the baby SWAT team. The only thing in her favor was the sand, it was sizzling hot to the touch and their steps were made with little yelps. She caught Joshua up while he was still squirming like a little fish, laughing hysterically. Brent was harder to catch, as he darted around the sand gazers. They had an audience and cheering section by now.

  “You almost got ‘em,” yelled an older sunbather laughing.

  Someone else yelled, “Got get ‘em Mom.”

  “Me and who else? Any volunteers?”

  After retrieving them both, they struggled to get loose. Thinking this great fun, they were winning the battle over her. As soon as she grabbed one, the other got away.

  “Boys, do you want all those little girls over there to see you naked?”

  Joshua nodded “yes”, bending over and showing his butt towards them. Hopeless, she thought, raising boys is just hopeless. After a while of this unsuccessful showdown, she decided it was time to go before their little bodies became crispy from the sun.

  Even though they hadn’t behaved liked she hoped, she did not scold them much and they all went for ice cream on Madeira Beach. At John’s Pass, there was a boardwalk dotted with sundry and souvenir shops. Joshua watched the dolphins swimming and jumping and exclaimed,

  “Look at that,” each word getting higher in octave as he jumped with joy.

  After their joyful day, the boys fell asleep quickly and she was left to a worrisome, lonesome night thinking of Adam. Every time she thought of him going to NY with Patty Jo, she shrank a little inside. She knew they would be sharing the same hotel room…what if they…No, she couldn’t think about that. He just couldn’t be intimate with her. He just couldn’t.

  Tuesday, Arianna took the boys on Mom’s tutoring tour. She liked to take them to different stores and expose them to things that might not be in their home, from kitchen items to tools. Joshua was three now and had been reciting the alphabet for 6 months. He talked like a tiny professor and he surely thought he was. These days with the children made it a little easier to accept whatever might be happening with Adam.

  Tonight would be the last time she would see him for a full week. She wanted it to be special. They had never been separated for that long since they had met. She dressed provocatively hoping he would remember only her while he was away. She had on a skin tight blue jean skirt, zippered on each side with black ties across the back. Her yellow maize top was highlighted by crystals running down the sleeves. Wednesday was ladies night at Webster’s and that is where they were going.

  When she knocked on the door, she entered and twirled for him, expecting the usual whistle. She stopped suddenly as she saw the expression on his face. He didn’t reach out to hug her or lean in to kiss her as he usually did. He head was tilted and staring at two ice cubes as he rolled them in his Rum and Coke.

  “What’s wrong? What is it? Tell me before I faint. Why are you looking at me that way?”

  He remained silent and wouldn’t meet her gaze. Now she was panicking and looked around to see if Patty Jo was there. Did they get back together in the last few days? What could have happened to make him behave this way?

  “Sit down, please sit down. I have to talk to you about something. I don’t know how to say it.”

  He placed his hand sheepishly on her shoulder, like someone comforting a person who has just lost their best friend. He motioned for her to the glass dinette on the balcony. A drink was waiting for them both on the table. Trembling, she walked over and grabbed the drink, holding on to it like a parachute for someone who was falling.

  He crouched down so that he was looking up at her and placed his hand on her knee.

  “God, I don’t know how to say this so I’ll just say it. I’m no good at this. Patty Jo and I have decided to get back together.”

  Hurricane winds felt as if they swooped down to the balcony and had blown her crashing to the ground.

  “You can’t mean it. Please, tell me it’s not true. It can’t be true. It must not be true. What could have happened in a couple of days to make you change your mind? We were just at your Mom’s house.”

  She grabbed her purse and took the cigarette case out. Tracing her hand over and over the cool touch of the metal distracted her. She felt she was spinning and this wasn’t real.

  “It wasn’t planned—nothing like that. It just happened. Monday when I went to my Mum’s house for dinner, she was there. My Mum had invited her over and I didn’t know about it. I guess she thought we needed to get together before the wedding to talk and make our peace. After dinner, she wanted to go somewhere and talk. I thought that was all right because I was thinking about talking to her about splitting up permanently. After a couple of drinks she just went crazy on me, ripping my clothes off and telling me how much she still wanted me and loved me. She kept saying we were still married and that I owed her that much. She said she wants to try and have a kid. I owe her that much, Arianna. The whole family wants us to get back together. They love her and maybe I do too. She is my wife. I just have to. I didn’t want to hurt you, I didn’t. I’m sorry. I felt I had to tell you that we were together. I felt I owed you that much. I know you hate me now and I understand that. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

  Tears streaming down her face she tried to speak, a soft feeble voice came out, “Adam, you were the one who told me countless of times that even though you have been with her for so long, you never felt close to her, the way we feel towards each other.”

  “She said New York would be our second honeymoon and we could start over.”

  “I don’t know if I can hear anymore. I was doing nothing but dreaming about you and counting every minute till I saw you again and you…all along you were with her. It seems impossible to me.”

  “Girl, I still love you, but I have feelings for her too. We’ve been together since forever; I have to at least try.”

  “You said she never made you feel the things that you had with me, that you don’t feel lonely anymore.”

  She moved to the other side of the room trying to distance herself from the pain she was feeling. His nearness seemed a sharp ache to her.

  “You were the one who said you felt the time with her were lost years, wondering what you were doing together. You said if a things’ not right, it’s not right. What happened to those thoughts, that philosophy that you are always listening to from Dylan and preaching about life? What happened in a few days, how could it all have changed?”

  She felt guilty pleading with him, he was married and she had no right to, but it seemed her very salvation was in the balance. He had told her he didn’t want to be married to her anymore and now it was only societal convention that was telling him to be with her. She felt that she was drowning, right or wrong, she had to state her case.

  “These last two days, I was crazy thinking about you. You were never away from my thoughts and always profoundly in my heart. When I t
hink during that time you were with her planning a new life, it makes me weak. How could you and I have been so far apart in our thinking when I think of us as one person? Why, Adam, why we had something so splendid, perfect as if fate had blessed us. Heaven was our playground, what we have most people only dream about. You said you never felt that way with her. What about the other guy she’s been seeing all this time? I would spend my life alone if I didn’t have you. No one could ever compare to you.”

  “I don’t care about what came before. I know she left but it was probably my fault. I left her alone all the time. I was selfish with my time and demanded too much freedom. She didn’t cheat on me, we both agreed to the separation and its consequences. I love you still, that hasn’t changed but I feel like I have to do the right thing by everyone. I have to try and reconcile with her.”

  He walked towards her and she moved away, the first time not wanting his touch. The sting of his words was too much for her to comprehend.

  “Will you do this much for me? Will you tell me what happened?”

  “I’ll tell you. I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t, but I’ll tell you. Yesterday we went shopping for stuff to do with my brother’s wedding. Then we went out to dinner and she just kept saying we’ve known each other since I was a sophomore in high school. It’s not that easy letting go when you are still married. There’s one more thing. I have to tell you, you deserve that much. We…we made love.”

  By this time, she had finished three more drinks and was smoking one cigarette after another. It numbed the news for a moment before her heart started pounding like an earthquake inside her. She wished at this moment she did not exist or that at least she could erase from her mind what he had just said.

  “You said if a things’ not right, it’s not. You said that over and over to me. You said I was the best thing in your life that ever came along. Why would you want to throw that away to go back to what you already know didn’t work. You said you have never been in love before. That you didn’t think real love existed. You said I was your forever. All these things, Adam, were they not real?”