by Vicki Green
I love you with all my heart,
Mama
Wiping my tear filled face, I get up and get a bottle of water when a severe pain hits me hard. I grab my stomach, my other hand pushing against the counter. I can barely breathe. When it lets up a little, I open the medicine cabinet. Medicine bottles falling as my hand sweeps through looking for the right container. Finally, I find it, open it and pop a pill in my mouth. My hands shaking as I try to get the cap off the water bottle but finally get it off, then gulp down a few swallows washing the pill down my throat. I have to wait a few minutes to let it start working before I can move. Managing a few deep breaths I pick up all the medicine bottles and put them back on the shelf, closing the door, and take my water over to the table with me. I wait a few more minutes to make sure my hand is steady enough to write, and then I start on the next note, feeling like my time is growing shorter and shorter.
My son, Jasper,
You came into our lives when I felt there was no hope, and I couldn’t have been more thankful for you. You are a piece of your daddy and me, and that is so very special. When you get older you may not remember me but with your daddy and Rosie’s help, I know in your heart you will. The first day I held you in my arms I couldn’t believe what a miracle you were and still are. As you grow into a man, always respect women. When you think you’ve met the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, know in your heart and soul she’s the one. Take care of her with all your strength, pamper her, spoil her and be the man she wants you to be without changing who you are. I don’t know what you’ll be like when you grow up or what you’ll want to do, all I can tell you is whatever it is, give it your all and you’ll do just fine. I’ll be watching you, my son, from wherever I am. Feel me when you’re alone, when you need your Mama, and I will be there.
All my love,
Mama
Sniffling and grabbing another tissue, I wipe my eyes and look up at the clock and see I’m running out of time before Harley returns. I had already written letters to Bo, Stormy, Mom, and Dad earlier, and this is my last one but the most important one. I’m going to put the letters in my hope chest and let them find them after I’m gone. They are hard enough to write and I wouldn’t be able to take it watching them read them while I’m still here.
Harley, my darling husband,
Babe, do you have any idea how much I love you? There are no words to describe how full of love my heart is for you. When we first met and I looked into your pain filled eyes, I knew in my heart what a good man you are. Loving, kind, sweet and tender and how you would do anything for those you love. I could see all this in your eyes, and yet you tried to hide it. My mysterious man. My life was nothing until you came into it. I was empty, and you filled me. You complete me. Thank you, with all my heart, for loving me, for giving me the most wonderful daughter and son and for making me the happiest woman in the world. Without you, I would have never known what love is, and how a man can love a woman so completely.
My darling. I know this will be hard for you, but you are the strongest person I know. I want you to be happy. I want you to go on with your life, raise our wonderful children, and find happiness again. Find a woman, Harley, fall in love again and be happy. You won’t want to. You will say there’s no one out there that can compare to me, and you’re right. There isn’t. Don’t compare. Don’t try to find me again, just find someone that makes you laugh, makes you smile, and that can give you what you need and want. She’s out there. You just have to look for her. Promise me, you’ll try. Promise me you will find happiness, or I will be forever restless. I need to know you will try. Trust me, as I’ve always trusted in you. Do it for me. I don’t know what else to say except that I love you so much it hurts, and that I’ll never stop loving you.
Yours forever and ever,
Pearl
I’m worn out by the time I’m done. I put the notebook on the built-in desk drawer in the kitchen and hear Rosie upstairs giggling and Jasper crying. A weight is lifted from me as I’ve finished my letters. Now, I just need to get the pictures, get them in frames and have one more painting to do. I feel my time is nearing, and I must get done.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
“But I love her,” I slur. Pete smiles and pats my back. I look down at my beer bottle and sigh. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do without her, Pete.” My eyes move back to his as my brows lower. “How do I live without a piece of me?”
He leans on the counter in front of me, my body feeling the liquor and my eyes squinting to see him well. “Man, I wish I had some wise words but I don’t. I know mine isn’t the same situation, nowhere near it, but when my wife left me I was devastated to the point that I didn’t want to live. She left me with our daughter to raise and I think that was the only thing that stopped me from taking my own life.” My body sways in my drunkenness, my mind mushy, but I think about Jasper and Rosie and what would happen to them if I didn’t keep on living.
I stand up and lean over the counter, grasping his shoulder and almost fall over. “You’re wiser than you think.” I reach in my pocket and throw some money on the counter, not having any idea how much, and start to stagger to the front door. Hands are on my upper arm before I get too far, and I turn my head, looking into Pete’s laughing eyes. “Pete! Hey, man!” He laughs and helps me to the front door, shoving something into my front pocket, and walks with me down the sidewalk.
“You know your money isn’t good here, man. You own the joint. Come on, my friend. Let’s get you home.” He leads me to his truck and opens the passenger door, but I put my hand on the roof stopping him from helping me in.
“This isn’t my car and I need Pearl,” I mumble and then sway into the open door.
He puts his hand on my back and smiles. “Well then, let’s get you home safely to your girl. Just think of me as your taxi.”
My head turns and I smile. “My girl. Yes. I need to get home to her. Like now.”
He laughs. “Ha, I know, man. I’m driving you home. Come on. Don’t you want to get home to Pearl?”
Laughter hits me hard and I can’t seem to stop. He gives me a little push and I fall into the seat and I’m still laughing as he buckles my seatbelt. I close my eyes for a moment and when I open them we’re moving on the road. I look out the front but am having a hard time focusing. “She’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”
“I know, man. You’re one lucky son of a bitch.”
I turn my head to him and frown. “No, I mean it. No one loved me, ever. All I had in my life was beatings. My own daughter was taken from me. Venice. I did love Venice. Protected her from the asshole. But Pearl? Pearl’s everything, Pete. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted and thought I couldn’t have.” I lean my head back and close my eyes. “Why does life have to be so unfair? Why does….”
“Daddy! Daddy!” My eyes open a slit as my body shudders while Rosie’s little hand pats on my chest. “Wake up, Daddy! It’s time for brefast! Come on!”
“Ohhhhh,” I moan and close my eyes again.
“Pumpkin! Let Daddy sleep. He’s really tired this morning. Come on, honey, let’s get you some pancakes.” Pearl’s sweet voice rings out, and I feel Rosie’s hand leave my chest, her elbow pushing into my arm as she leaves and then the sound of her sighing. I can just imagine her eyes rolling.
Finally, quiet. I settle into the bed and try to go back to sleep, but now I can’t due to my pounding headache, and my tongue feeling like sandpaper. Now I remember why I hardly drink. I get up and go into the bathroom, drink about a gallon of water and take a quick shower. Feeling a little more myself, I go downstairs and the sounds of two little children pierce my eardrums.
“Jasper! No! Here you go, baby brudder.” Rosie is scolding him for making a mess and then hands him his bottle.
I walk straight over to Pearl, whose busy making more pancakes on the stove and lean into her side, kissing her cheek. “Morning, baby. I’m sorry….”
Her head turns to me with a b
ig smile on her beautiful face. “Don’t you dare apologize. You deserved a night out. You’ve been so busy, not thinking of anyone but us and with everything that’s happened you’ve done nothing for yourself. Go, sit down and I’ll bring you some food. Unless….” Her brow raises and she gives me her cute smirk, the one I adore. “Do you need something to settle your stomach or for your head?” God, I love her.
I kiss her mouth this time and smile against it. “No, baby. I’m good. The pancakes smell great.” She kisses me back and smiles and I lightly smack her cute firm bottom as I turn and walk to the table. Breakfast is great, as usual, and Rosie goes outside to play. Pearl takes Jasper upstairs for his diaper change and to put him down for his nap, after she will meet us out back. I walk out onto the deck, stretching my arms over my head and sit down on the closest lounger. My head feels better. My stomach is full and now I’m tired. It’s not long when walks out, looking sexy in her halter top and short jean shorts. She walks over and sits down as I make room for her. My arm moves around her shoulder, and I kiss her head as she lays it down on my chest.
“You should do that a little more, go out and be with people. It’s good for you. You need friends,” she states as she watches Rosie.
My fingers slide through her soft hair as I watch Rosie play. “I have all the friends I need right here. I don’t need any more than that.” Her head turns up to me and when I look down I see her eyes are filled with tears. “What’s wrong? Don’t cry. Did I say something wrong?”
Her lips turn into a smile, and I wipe away a tear. “No, you never say anything wrong, babe. It’s just…. When I’m gone, you’ll need friends. You’ll need some time outside of here, have some time for yourself and I want you to make that time. Please?” Her eyes are now pleading with me, and it breaks my heart. “Please try, for me?”
My eyes search hers, and I nod. “Okay. I’ll try. But I gotta tell you it’ll be hard on me. Once you’re…. When you’re not here with me, my entire life will be to take care of our kids. I won’t have time for much else and I’m okay with that.”
Her mouth turns into a smile as she rises up and kisses my lips. “You’re a great daddy, but even daddy’s need time for themselves. Thank you.”
We watch Rosie play for a while, until her nap time, then we have some alone time watching a movie. Dinner was quiet, except for the kids. By the time we get them in bed I’m exhausted from my night out last night but not too tired to make love to my wife and then fall asleep snuggled in each other’s arms.
After going to bed so early last night, I awaken the next morning before anyone, so I decide it’s my turn to make a great breakfast. While the bacon and sausage are cooking I hear Pearl’s phone vibrating on the built-in desk and walk over to make sure it’s not urgent. I laugh when I see it’s a text from Stormy reminding Pearl about their play date today and set her phone back on the desk. The drawer slightly open, a notebook catches my eye. Pearl’s elegant writing on the front and I pull out the chair, sit down and open it. I read through the first page and have tears falling down my face by the time I’m done. I turn the page and begin reading only to have my heart beating faster, and my tears flowing so immensely that I can barely see to read. When I turn to the next page, my heart stops. I begin to read her letter to me and have to stop quickly. Holding the notebook down, I close my eyes, my head tilting back, and I let out a sob. Finally, I calm myself and read the rest. When done, I shut the notebook and set it back in the drawer, closing it quietly. I know in my heart she didn’t intend for me to read these until after she’s gone, but I’m so glad I did. This just reminds me what a special woman she is. How strong, how devoted to her family and how loving she is. I can’t imagine what it will be like the day she leaves me, but I’ll be damned if she leaves without knowing and feeling the love and strength of her husband. For the rest of her days on this earth, I will make sure of it.
Epilogue
Six months have passed….
“Mommy?” My eyes shift over to Rosie, who’s standing in the doorway, tears in her eyes and a worried look on her face.
My breathing is coming out in pants, my fists clenching the covers as the pain sears through me. “Pum….Kin. Hand…. Me…. Phone…. Ple…. Please.” She slowly walks to my nightstand, picks up my phone, and I release the covers with one hand, turn it over and she places it in my palm. I try to smile, but it’s hard to. My eyes move down, and I find the number and hit call.
“Baby! I miss you!” His voice brings more tears to my eyes, and I choke on a sob.
“9…. 1…. 1” I choke out.
“Fuck! Baby, I’ll be right there! Don’t move!”
The phone drops from my hand and I fist the covers again as another pain hits me hard, my other hand covers my stomach, sweat dripping from my face, and I bite my lip, so I don’t scream out and scare Rosie. My ears are buzzing, but I hear Jasper’s cry and turn my eyes to Rosie. “Pum…. Pumpkin. See if…. You…. Can help…. Jas…. Jasper. Dad… Daddy’s coming.” She nods and backs up slowly towards the door, then turns and runs out. I barely can hear the sounds of her little feet moving down the hall. I close my eyes, trying to relax my body and mind when another severe pain hits me. “Ungh!” I scream, both my hands now clenching the covers so hard they hurt.
“Baby! NO! Stay with me, Pearl! Stay with me.” My eyes open, my chest heaving so fast as I look into Harley’s worried face. His hand lays on top of my head, his thumb rubbing my forehead as he looks down at me. “I’m here now, baby. I’m here.” I close my eyes briefly, nodding slightly and hear voices out in the hallway.
“Come on, Rosie. Let’s take Jasper downstairs and get him a bottle. Wanna help?” Jenny’s voice is sweet, but I don’t hear Rosie’s reply.
The sounds of sirens grow louder outside, and I wonder what people out in the world are doing. Are they spending precious time with their families? Are they together with their boyfriend or girlfriend or are they wasting the little time we have on earth doing horrible and terrible things? Weird thoughts keeping sweeping my mind until another pain sweeps through, and I open my eyes and look at Harley, pleadingly.
“Here, baby. Pain pill. Open up.” I open my mouth, a sob coming out, as he raises my head and places a pill inside, then puts a bottle of water to my lips, and I cough as I choke it down. He lowers my head, and I can see his chin quivering and his eyes now full of tears. “God! Please don’t leave me, Pearl. Please don’t…. We need you so badly…. I need you.” His lips press against mine, and I close my eyes, tears running down the sides of my face and into my hair as I choke out another sob.
“I got here as fast as I could!” My eyes open quickly to the sound of my mom’s voice and I see her run around to the other side of the bed. Her hand is on my fisted one, her other hand on the side of my face. “The ambulance is here, sweetheart and Phillip is already at the hospital waiting for you. You just hold on.” I nod slowly but then the pain hits me hard, and my fists pull on the covers as I scream out. “Up here! Hurry!” Mom yells out as she keeps her eyes on mine, and I hear footsteps pounding up the stairs, running down the hall and into the room.
“Mrs. Sanders. Mrs. Sanders, can you hear me?” My eyes slowly move over to a man who’s standing by the bed, my mind and movements slow as the pain pill finally begins to work. “There you are. I’m Randy and will be taking good care of you on the way to the hospital. Dr. Whiteman called us and is waiting for you there. Now, I don’t want you to move or do a thing. Just let my partner, Richard, and me take care of everything. Do you understand?” I nod a little, and he smiles. “Good. Now, we’re going to lift you and move you to this gurney over here. Remember, don’t do anything to help, okay?” I try to take a deep breath but only succeed in taking a small one as I nod slightly. “Good. Okay, Rich. On a count of three.” I close my eyes and feel them lift me, but I don’t go far.
“Pearl, baby. You need to let go of the sheets so they can move you.” I shake my head at Harley’s voice. I can’t let go, it’s
the only thing I have to squeeze when the pain hits me. “Here, sweetheart. Take this with your hands so you have something to hold on to.” My eyes open a slit, and I smile a little when I see Jasper’s stuffed toy turtle that he calls ‘Ta’. Shakily, I let go of the covers and grab ahold of the turtle and hold it close. “That’s my, girl.”
I close my eyes again as I’m lifted but soon feel another surface beneath me. Covers are pulled over me and as I hold Ta in one hand, I fist the covers with the other. “Has she taken any medication today?” A man’s voice rings out, and then muffled voices ensue, and soon I feel someone pat my fisted hand. “Mrs. Sanders. Can you relax your hand for me, for just a second, so I can start an IV?” I relax my hand and feel a prick on top of it. “Thank you. There now, you should feel some relief very quickly.” My hand clasps the covers again, and I feel the bed start moving. Voices are everywhere as I’m carried down the stairs, and soon I feel the damp breeze as we get outside. I savor the feeling of it on my face, blowing my hair a little and think about how I may never have that sensation again. Finally, I can take a deep breath as I feel the medicine invade my body, and my hand relaxes on the covers, but I keep a tight hold of Ta. I can smell Jasper’s baby smell as I breathe in again and a small smile forms on my mouth thinking about him then I slowly fall into darkness.
