by Vicki Green
“I haven’t had her long enough. It’s not fair. I don’t want her to go…. I can’t live without her.” Harley’s voice moves into my mind and my heart breaks. I don’t want to leave him either, never.
“I know, honey. I don’t want her to go either, but I thank God, she’s been with us for so much longer than I thought she would be. We’re here for you.”
My eyes open just a bit and I see Mom and Harley holding each other. They got so close after we got married, found out about the cancer, and really have such a special bond. Mom’s eyes open and widen, a smile on her face as she taps his shoulder, and he turns around quickly then jogs over to the bed. He leans down and kisses my forehead, then stays close. I pat the mattress, his head looks down, and then sits down gently, taking my hand.
“How long?” My voice is raspy and dry.
“You’ve been out for a couple of days, baby. How are you feeling?” He brings up a straw to my lips, and I suck in a few drops then shake my head. He takes it away, the worry lines showing heavily on his forehead. “Are you in much pain? Do you need me to get the nurse?” I shake my head again and swallow.
“I don’t want to die here, Harley.” My eyes move around the barren walls and back to his. “I want our things around me. I want Jasper and Rosie close by me. I want….”
“Shhh, baby. I’ll talk to Dr. Phillip.”
My eyes move to Mom as she speaks out on the other side of the bed. “I’ll get him on the phone now. Don’t you worry, Princess.” I smile a little at her words. I always loved when Mom and Dad called me that, although that was always Dad’s special name for me. His little princess. I find some comfort in that. She leaves my side, and I move my eyes back to my love.
“Ta. Where’s Ta?” Harley leaves the bed and then brings Jasper’s stuffed turtle to me, and I take it with my free hand. “Your mom had to sew up a little place on his side from the little struggle you gave when you got here. Even in your sleep you didn’t want to let it go,” he chuckles a little, and I find myself smiling a little bigger.
“Ha, I didn’t want to let him go. He smells of Jasper and I found it comforting. I still do.” I bring the turtle up to my nose, close my eyes and breathe in the baby scent of my little guy. I open my eyes when people come into the room and see Dr. Phillip walking towards me, Mom walking fast behind him and Dad. My heart soars seeing Dad, and suddenly I feel like a little girl again.
“I hear you want to go home.” I nod and plead with my eyes. “Very well. I’ll have to make some arrangements for your care so it won’t be until the morning but I’ll do everything in my power to see you’re taken care of properly and I’ll be by often to make sure you’re comfortable. Do you need anything for the pain now?” I nod again, and he smiles.
I look at Dad and feel like he’s aged so much in such a short time. “Dad.” His hand covers mine over Ta, and he gives me a small smile.
“Princess.” Tears fill my eyes, but I blink them away quickly. Now’s the time I need to be strong for my family. I owe them more than my life, and I need to show courage.
I look back at Harley and smile. “How’s my babies? Are they okay? I’m sure they’re so scared. The look on Rosie’s face….”
“They’re perfect, just like their mama. You don’t worry. Bo, Stormy and Jenny are with them.” He strokes the side of my face with his other hand and I close my eyes as the tingling sensations move through me knowing it’s not from the medicine but from his touch. I smile to myself that he still has that effect on me just like when we first met. “Sleep, my sweetheart. Soon you will be home again. Soon.” I take a deep breath, now feeling the medicine kick in, and drift into a peaceful slumber.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
“Ha! Yes, I remember that well. She was so upset, stomping her feet, but then when he fell trying to walk she was all over him just like the best big sister she is.” I laugh, and my heart fills with love as I watch Pearl laughing for the first time in so long. She takes a drink of the juice that holds the other liquid Dr. Phillip recommended, and I watch as her lips pucker at the taste. She’s so strong, so determined, and I admire her so much.
Jasper sits beside her and she looks down at him, watching him play with his plastic truck on the bed. Her eyes snap to the doorway when Rosie walks in, and I have to cover my mouth quickly before I laugh out loud. “Mommy? Does this shirt go with these pants?” I look back at Pearl, who’s got her lips pressed tight trying not to laugh as well.
“Oh, pumpkin. I think maybe that shirt would look better with your purple pants. Okay?” Rosie smiles, turns, and runs across the hall.
“Thanks, Mama!”
Pearl turns her head to me and snickers under her breath, then sets her glass down on the table over the bed and leans her head back against her pillow. It’s so great that she’s felt more like herself the last couple of days, sitting up in the hospital bed Dr. Phillip supplied us. Her smile is huge as she looks back down at Jasper, listening to his ‘Barroom, Broom’ truck imitations. “You look so much better today, baby. The color has returned to your beautiful face.”
She smiles at me, her eyes lighting up and then she yawns. “I feel better. Being around you, the kids and my family. I’m so glad I can enjoy the kids.”
I take her hand, rubbing circles with my thumb and smile. “Are you getting tired, my love?”
“I am but I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to miss even a second with you all. There’s plenty of time to sleep later.” I nod, a tear forming in my eye with her meaning, but I blink quickly, making it go away. I don’t want her to see my tears, unless they are of happiness.
We have a great day together. Jade, Knox, Stormy and Bo come by that evening and we all have dinner together in our room. Bo and Stormy’s kids playing in Rosie’s room with her and their laughter moving across the hall and into ours. I’d moved the dresser out, replacing it with a table and chairs and a small refrigerator in the corner. Knox and Bo hung a cabinet over it to hold glasses, plates and her medicine. Shit, she even wanted to put the kids beds in here, but Jade talked her out of it just in case something happened and Pearl agreed knowing they were still close by.
Now I’m lying next to her, feeling her in my arms, my head against hers as I listen to her light breathing while she sleeps and thank God once again that she’s still here with me. Her hand lays gently on my arm, her touch not as warm as I remember, but still it causes my heart to beat faster. Her smell is the same, and so is her soft skin. I press my lips against her head and whisper, “I love you so much.” She sighs in her sleep. Her head snuggles more against my shoulder, and I fight to stay awake, exhausted from not wanting the tiniest of seconds not being with her. Finally, my eyes close and I let memories of us overtake me.
My eyes snap open when I feel her hand leave my arm and hit my stomach. I look down at her overly paled skin, her face still looking of sleep but no breaths leaving, her chest not rising and falling anymore. I pull her closer, kissing her forehead and my tears flow from my eyes onto her cool skin. “God! I already miss you and you’ve only just left me. How will I go on without you? You’re my life, my love, my soul. Oh, God!” I cry out into the darkness, my heart bleeding, and breaking and right now, I want to die, to be with her, always. All the happiness I’ve ever felt leaves me as I tighten my hold around her. All my memories of our short life together hit me like lightning, flashing through my mind. Her holding my hand and being strong when we finally got to the house to get Rosie. Our making love for the first time, and how she gave me the honor of giving me her virginity, sitting together on the couch with Rosie and watching all her favorite movies. The look on her beautiful face the first time Rosie called her ‘Mama’. Jasper being born and how proud she looked and her words ‘Now we have something that we share, a little of us both’.
“You saved me from a life of desolation. Thank you, my love. Thank you for loving me, for believing the good in me and for your love. I’ll never forget it, forget you, but I promise you…. Your chi
ldren will grow up knowing you, remembering you and the strong person you were. I won’t ever let them forget you, ever. They will be like their Mama, strong, caring of others as you’ve always been.” I lean down, kissing her cool lips, my tears hitting them and then lean my head against hers. “Sleep now, baby. Now, you’re finally out of pain. Now, you’re with the angels, watching over us.” My eyes squeeze shut, and I let myself cry. Cry for my love, cry for my loss and cry for her freedom of pain.
The service is nice, quiet except for the weeping. It was much harder to get through at home once I finally called everyone after about an hour of some alone time with her. I didn’t even want to make the calls then but Rosie got up, and thankfully, I got to her before she came into the room and saw her Mama. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, telling her that her Mama went to live in the heavens, taking her in to say her goodbyes and watching her fall apart holding onto Pearl. I did let Jasper see her as well, but he’s too young to understand, but he did give her a slobbery kiss on her face as I held him down to her. When her family came over to say their goodbyes, I dressed the kids and took them out to the playground that Pearl so lovingly asked me to build for them. I couldn’t take the sorrow any longer and couldn’t watch them with her.
“She was such a wonderful woman and will be missed by so many,” Pete says as he pats my shoulder. Jasper reaches over from my arms and pats his face and Pete smiles while taking his hand. I look down as Rosie’s grip tightens around my leg and place my hand around the back of her head, rubbing her soft hair and see her sad eyes look up at me.
Jade hugs me as she walks by, kissing Jasper and then Rosie. She takes him from me and takes Rosie’s hand, and I watch as they walk off towards the car. Knox stops in front of me and envelopes me in a hug, but I still don’t shed a tear even though it’s hard not to. Bo pats my arm and gives me a sad smile, tears still in his eyes. Stormy hugs me and kisses my cheek and my eyes follow them a little ways until I look around and notice I’m the only one left.
I kneel down in the grass in front of her casket, sitting on the netting, ready to be lowered into the ground and lay my hand against the cool steel. “I can’t tell you how much I love you, there aren’t words that could possibly say what I feel. I know you want me to be happy and I’ll do my best but I can’t make any promises that I know I can’t keep. I once told you I’d never lie to you and I’m not about to start now. Jasper said ‘Mama last night and I lost it, right there, right in front of him and I swore I’d be strong for you, for them. Some Daddy I am, huh?” I chuckle, but it gets caught in my throat. “Know that you’ll always be in my heart, not a day, a minute or second will go by without thinking of you. I’m so glad you finally trusted me with your love so long ago. God, I love you so much and my heart has broken in two. Help me be strong, baby, help me to be happy. I don’t think I can do it without you.” A breeze blows softly against my face and her presence fills me, and I smile sadly. “Okay, I’ll do it for you.” I sniff back my tears and take a deep breath. “I know you’re already gone, my love. Keep me in line from above. Keep me strong for our kids and I swear I will do whatever I can to make you proud.” I stand up, turn and start walking to the car, wanting so badly to run back and beg her to come back to me, but I hold my head up high, knowing that’s impossible. I must go on for Rosie and Jasper. I must teach them the ways of love, kindness and show them that happiness is out there for them, all the things that Pearl so graciously showed me. They just need to believe and trust.
I get in the back seat, Jasper in his car seat, drinking from his bottle and Rosie in her toddler seat next to me. I lay my head against hers and put my hand out, her little one grasping it and the limo starts to move. “Daddy? Will I ever see Mama again? I miss her already.”
I look down at my precious one and smile. “I miss her too. Pumpkin, Mama will always be here….” I touch her heart. “And here….” I touch her temple. “Always remember her in your memories and she will always live in your heart.” She smiles, and I turn my eyes and look out the window. I need to remember those words. My smile grows when her beautiful smiling face and bright eyes form in my mind, and my heart is full again.
The End
Acknowledgments
How do you thank people that make your life complete? There’s always so many and I’m always afraid I will leave out someone. I am truly blessed to have so many who support me, my writing, my life and it’s almost impossible to name them all.
Kathy, my amazing Editor and friend. I always have to list you because without you, my books wouldn’t be nearly what they are. You always find all my mistakes, makes the most awesome suggestions and I love your comments of laughing, surprise and when you cry. Thank you for always being there for me.
Kari, your covers always shock and astound me. You have a gifted talent and I’m so thankful I found you. I can’t express enough how much the covers you make for me touch my heart. We are just so in synch. I can just give you a little glimmer into my story and you know just the right thing to create. I’ve said it before and I’m sure I will say it a ton more times, you’re a genius.
Katrina, you will always be in my acknowledgements because of who you are, my friend. Your continued support and love envelopes me. I don’t deserve you but I’ll take you. Always and forever.
Thank you Storm Bailey and Meghan Johnson for two of the most amazing photo’s for my cover. As soon as I saw them I knew I had to have them for Trusted. They fit perfectly with the story.
Shauna, I’m so thankful I found you. Your talent holds the perfect images for any Authors covers. I’m so glad to work with you and can’t wait to purchase more for upcoming covers!
My AS101 group! You are always there for me and all the Authors in the group. We laugh, we cry, we help, we support! Best group in the world!
My amazing Vicki’s Vixens Team, I love you all so much and thank you, always, for your continued love and support.
A special ‘Thank you’ to Alexandria Caraballo Ocasio for picking out the name Caleb for Harley and Pearl’s son.
About the Author
Vicki Green grew up in Overland Park, Kansas and currently resides in Olathe, Kansas. Along with her husband and two teenage boys, she shares her home with her cocker spaniel’s Shadow and Mocha. She has been working full time at the same Company for 35 years. Her life has been filled with the most loving and caring parents, who are both gone now but are still in her heart and mind daily.
Vicki enjoys reading Romance books which is what inspired her to begin writing this book. She has always admired Author’s dedication and hard work. She had a dream that played out for over a year, came home one day after work and decided to put it on a word document to see how it read and that became ‘My Savior Forever’, the beginning of her Forever Series, and that’s where it all began.
Website: http://www.vickigreenauthor.com/
Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/VickiGreenAuthor
Twitter: @rileyks3
