What's he talking about? What is Luke hiding from me? I want to ask him, but I don't get the chance. He snags his bag off my bed and storms out of the room. I hear the slam of the front door and that's when I break. Our friendship is crumbling and there's nothing that I can do to keep it from happening at this point. I can't help that I love Luke. I fell in love with him years ago and I've been trapped in this growing tomb ever since. I wish Elliot would understand so that I could explain everything to him. I wish I had told him the truth from the beginning.
Preston tries to comfort me. I can't take it. I tell him to leave after only a few minutes. He reads between the lines, knowing that I'm not going to call tomorrow or even next week. We had a good run, but he was too much. Too much like Luke. Too much of a reminder of the regrets that I have in life. Now, he's too much of a reminder of my crumbling friendship with the best friend I've ever had.
Felicity finds me curled into a ball on the couch when she gets home from work. Without asking, she figures out what happened. Elliot's absence helped her put all the pieces in place. She sits with me most of the night, running her fingers through my hair as I cry in her lap sporadically.
I tell Felicity everything. I tell her about my fight with Elliot. I tell her about Preston's resemblance to Luke. She knows who he is, that we grew up together. She knows all the basics of our friendship.
As the sun starts to rise and shine in the windows I make myself a promise. I will fix my friendship with Elliot. It may take time, a long time, but I will fix our relationship. As soon as I figure out how.
WALKING UP TO Elliot's door I resist the urge to run. It's been two months since we've seen each other. Two very long months without talking to him, the last words he spoke to me running through my head over and over again. I'm not sure if my apology will be enough, but it's all that I have.
An apology and the reason I'm in love with his brother. It's time I told him what happened. I never wanted to tell him. I always thought it would be better if I kept it from him. I'm hoping it will help him to understand. I'm sure he won't want details, but I'll give them if he does. I'm laying it all out there hoping that we can go back to the way we were. I want my friend back. I've never had to live without him before and the last two months have been horrible.
I'm driving Felicity nuts. I talk about Elliot non-stop. I complain about him not calling. I complain about being scared to call him. She finally told me to drive here and apologize or she was moving out. She gave me the ultimatum I needed to get my ass in gear. She and Elliot really are perfect for each other.
I knock twice before the door finally opens. Surprisingly, it's not Elliot's face that's staring back at me. She's blond and hiding her probably naked body behind the door, a look of confusion the only prominent feature on her face.
"Can I help you?" Her voice is hoarse from sleep. It's only a little after seven in the morning. I knew I needed to catch Elliot before he left for class if I wanted my opportunity to trap him into listening to me.
"Is Elliot here?"
"Who is it, Bambi?" Elliot's voice hits my ears and I can't help but smile. I missed the sound of his voice. It's been way too long.
"It's me," I say a little louder than I need to. I hear shuffling, drawers opening and closing and moments later, Bambi disappears and Elliot's frame fills the doorway.
"Reagan. What are you doing here?" He seems happy to see me. I was expecting him to look surprised.
"I came to apologize." Might as well put it on the table. No skirting around the issue.
He moves quickly and pulls me in for a hug. "God I missed you."
"I missed you too, Elliot. Want to grab some coffee and talk?"
ELLIOT WAITS IN line to order our coffee while I find us a seat. The line is longer than I expected it to be. People are coming and going quickly. The barista's are hollering orders to each other and calling names. The sound of whip cream being swirled on top of mochas and cappuccinos echoes through the shop. The smells wafting through the air calms my fears slightly, but they don't dissipate completely.
I'm nervous. I don't know how Elliot is going to react to what I'm about to tell him. I'm sure he'll be angry with me but for how long? The last two months have been hell. I don't think I can take another second of him being pissed and not talking to me.
I should have told him sooner. I shouldn't have kept this from him at all. If there is anyone that I can trust with my secrets it's him. He wouldn't have made fun of me for it. He probably would have supported me when I needed him most.
I needed him back then. I was an emotional wreck after Luke left for months. I kept to myself. When I was around others, Elliot especially, I put on a brave face and fake smile. No one seemed to notice that I wasn't completely myself that summer.
That's when I decided I needed a change. I wanted to be stronger than I was. I needed to be ready for the next time I was able to see Luke. Confidence in myself was never in abundance. I needed to learn to love the person that I was before I could expect anyone else to love me.
I love myself now. I love the changes that I've made to my appearance. I feel confident walking down the street. Not because of the way I look and not because guys notice me. I'm confident because the person on the inside is able to shine through my exterior. I need to make that clear to Elliot for him to fully understand.
I hear the barista call his name. I wring my hands a few times before wiping them down the front of my jeans. My nerves are on high alert again. He's going to come over here in a second and I'm going to open up my soul to him. Once the anger passes, there's no telling how he'll feel or what he might say. I need to be prepared for anything.
"Here ya go," Elliot says as he slides my coffee on the table before taking the seat across from me.
"Thanks." I can't start off confessing all my sins to him. I need to break the ice first. He seems to be happy to see me so let's talk about him before we talk about me. "So, tell me about Bambi."
"I'd rather not. I'm not even sure that's her real name." I wait for him to crack a smile, but his face remains serious.
"Seriously, Elliot?" I want to give him shit. I want to yell at him and slap him across the face. He's better than that. He was raised better than that. He better not be sleeping around just for fun.
"I know it starts with a B. She answered me so I think its Bambi. What do you care? I'm safe and no one gets hurt. She knew what she was getting into when she came home with me last night." He's defending his actions and he has every right to. The Elliot I know only defends his actions when they are in question, though. He knows what he's doing is wrong no matter how he spins it.
"At least you were safe."
There's an awkward silence that settles between us. I sip my coffee and enjoy the burn as it goes down. I should have waited a few more minutes. Elliot watches me, waiting for me to say something else. I can't stall any longer.
"I'm sorry for blowing up at you." My eyes flick up at him. He's serious. He's apologizing to me for the way he acted. I thought we came here so I could apologize.
"I'm not mad at you, Elliot. You had every reason to be upset with me and storm out." I want to say more, but the words won't come out. Confessing my darkest sins is harder than I thought it would be.
"No. I owe you an apology. I freaked out because he looked like Luke and it was a little weird. I should have handled it differently. I should have at least called you to apologize the next day. When you didn't call, I assumed you were mad at me."
"I was mad at myself." My words are barely a whisper as they leave my mouth. I know he hears me because he reaches across the table and takes my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.
"Tell me what's going on with you. I know I encouraged you to reinvent yourself, but I never thought you would change who you are completely. I was thinking you might go shopping and maybe buy a new pair of sandals. I never thought you would take it this far.
"You're beautiful, Reagan, don't get me wrong, but you were beautiful b
efore. You have the kindest heart and are one of the most caring people I know. I'm glad that hasn't changed. But, you're sad. I can see it in your eyes every time I look at you. Something is making you sad. So, please, tell me what it is so I can fix it."
Damn him! I'm going to cry and smear my mascara. Mascara that I wouldn't have been wearing a few short years ago when I didn't care about what I looked like on the outside.
"It's Luke." His hand instantly stops caressing mine when I mention Luke. "You can't tell him I'm telling you this, Elliot. Promise." I make eye contact with him to make sure he complies before I continue. He nods slightly so I brace myself for what I'm about to say.
I tell him all about the race in the woods. The kiss that has destroyed all other men for me. The two weeks that Luke and I snuck around behind his back before Luke left for boot camp. The letters. I tell him the true motive behind my transformation on the outside. I even tell him how I still feel about Luke. Through it all he listens but doesn't comment. He doesn't ask me any questions. He doesn't probe for more information.
Once I finish, we both sit back in our seats and digest what I just said out loud for the first time ever. It felt good to get it off my chest, but I'm now waiting for Elliot to blow. He's going to have an opinion I'm sure. I've kept this from him for so long that hearing it now makes the situation ten times worse.
"Say something. Please. I need to know what you're thinking right now. I need to know if you hate me." I beg him to speak to me. He's staring at me, studying me. You can see the wheels inside his head turning, going over everything again and again.
"He's not coming home, Reagan. He signed up for another four years. I don't know what you want me to say. I love you. You're my best friend and you always will be. I'm not angry, maybe a little disappointed that you didn't tell me sooner, but I'm not angry. If anything, I'm sad. I'm sad for you because he's probably never coming home. He doesn't want to even come home to visit."
My heart drops and shatters in my chest. All my dreams of being reunited with Luke when he was out of the Marines... gone. He's not coming home. I have no idea when I'll see him again or if I'll see him again.
"I don't..." I try to find words to describe how I feel, but there's nothing. I'm empty inside.
We silently finish our coffees. Elliot is watching me like a hawk. He can tell I'm about to break. I can feel it, but I'm doing everything I can to hold myself together until I'm alone. I can't let him see me break. I don't want anyone to see me like that. It's going to be ugly.
The drive back to Yale is long and quiet. My thoughts are running wild. I could call him and ask him why. I could call him and beg him to come home. I could beg him to come visit me. All those options are dead ends for me. I would never be able to pick up the phone.
I could write him, but I have no idea what I would say. I said goodbye and I'm hoping that's not what pushed him to sign up for another four years.
I vowed that I would let it happen naturally. If it ever happens...
Felicity is in the kitchen, talking on the phone when I finally make it back to our place. I walk right past her, toss my purse on the counter and head to my room. I want to be alone. My hopes and dreams of one day having a life with Luke have been crushed.
Felicity comes in to check on me when I don't reappear. She sits on the edge of my bed and runs her fingers through my hair like she always does when I'm sad. I close my eyes and relax. I'm almost asleep when she finally speaks.
"Elliot called. He told me that you might need to talk when you got home."
I sit up and wipe the tears from my face. I'm surprised that Elliot called but at the same time, I should have expected him to do it. He knows me so well. He knew that I wasn't in a good place, mentally or emotionally, when he let me leave this afternoon. I promised to hold myself together until I got home, but he knew I would need someone to catch me when I let myself fall.
"I'm not sure if I can relive it again today."
"Can I do anything to help? Do you want me to call Trevor?"
Ah! Trevor. The latest conquest. He's a decent kisser and his body is amazing, but there's not much going on upstairs. I tried to let him down easy last night after our date. He persisted for a few minutes until he realized that I wasn't going to change my mind.
"I broke up with him last night so I don't think he's going to want anything to do with me."
"What happened with this one? It seems like you've had a string of losers lately. You're moving from one to the next pretty quick. Are you even giving them a chance?" I hear what she's saying and what she's asking, but I don't have the words to answer her. "Are you still stuck on Preston?"
I laugh. It comes from somewhere down deep and surprises me. I cover my mouth to try and silence it, but it's no use. I need to laugh and the thought of me mourning the loss of Preston is funny. He was a stand in. They've all been stand-ins for the one person that I'll never have.
"No, Felicity. It's not about Preston. It's not about any of them. It's me. I'm stuck on someone from a long time ago and until I get over him, none of them will be good enough. I keep trying to find one that compares even slightly and they are all failing miserably."
She tilts her head to the side and studies me. Felicity is one of the smartest people I've ever encountered. I never know what's going on inside her head, but it's usually something brilliant. She's never tossed a bad idea in my direction. When her face lights up with a smile I know that I'm in for a treat.
Felicity's plan is for me to transfer to Columbia. I was confused for about three seconds before I stopped her from talking. She thought I was in love with Elliot. If I think about it, it makes complete sense. She's never met him so she has no idea how we act around each other. She hasn't seen the way we look at each other, the faces we make when we think no one’s looking. We act like school kids most of the time, poking and picking on each other. He's my brother from another mother.
I tell her about Luke. I tell her about the love for him that I've been carrying around all these years. The hope that I'll see him again one day soon. The fact that I can't help but compare every single man to him and that none of them measure up.
Once I finally found the courage to tell Felicity the truth about Luke it felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. We sat up most of that night comparing each of the men I'd dated to Luke. I told her about all the similarities, every horrible kiss and every reason that I ended it with each of them.
She said that I was torturing myself.
In a way, I guess I am. I'm searching for something that I am never going to find. Not with anyone but Luke. I've accepted that. What I haven't accepted is failure. I wish I hadn't sent him that last letter. I hope it never reached him. If it did, I hope he can forgive me for giving up on him and pushing him away. I now have four more years to wait for Luke, but I will wait. One more kiss will make all the waiting worth it in the end.
Felicity also may have mentioned that I'm a little crazy.
Waiting for someone who may or may not feel the same about me anymore makes me crazy in her eyes. I think she might be right, a little bit anyway. I know that my actions are crazy. There's a reason that I never told anyone how I was feeling or why I was doing what I was doing. I knew the looks I would get. I'm waiting for that look from Felicity, but it hasn't happened yet.
"I think it's beautiful, Reagan, the way you want to wait for him but what if he's not waiting for you? I'm not trying to crush your dream, I'm just trying to keep your head out of the clouds. I'm being realistic." There's a sadness in her voice that I've never heard before. Is it pity? I hate being pitied.
"I know and you're right. There's a better than average chance that he's not waiting for me, that's he's not even interested in me." Despite what I heard Elliot tell me when he thought I was sleeping, there is still a chance that his feelings for me have changed since then. "I've thought of that a lot, but I can't shake this feeling I have. If we're not meant to be together, we won't be together in the
end. I'm still young. I have plenty of time to enjoy my life and wait for him."
"So, what's next then? What's your plan?"
"It's the same as it has been all along. I'm going to have fun and enjoy the ride. I have to stop trying to compare everyone to Luke, though. I'm not being fair to them, moving from one to the next without giving them a chance. I won't let myself fall in love, though. I'm not sure there's room in my heart for anyone else. Not right now, anyway."
IT TAKES THE rest of that year and all summer before I'm ready to put myself out there again. I stick to the plan. I date, I enjoy life and I move on. I try not to let myself get too attached. I'm afraid that I might fall in love. Two months tops, no more. Felicity helps me keep my head out of the clouds and my heart grounded.
Elliot calls on a regular basis and talks to Felicity now. At first it bothered me, I assumed that he was calling to check up on me all the time. What may have started out that way has blossomed into a beautiful friendship between the two of them. Now, if I could just get them in the same room together...
After four years of hard work at Yale, I'm about to graduate and walk away with a degree in Business and a new found confidence. It's grown over the years along with me. This past year has been especially beneficial to my confidence. I took an internship at a local law firm where I studied under one of their account managers. She's recommended me to a partner firm back home.
I have a job waiting for me. I just have to walk across that stage and collect my diploma first.
My things are being packed for me. So are Felicity's. I've convinced her to come back to California with me. After spending four years with her nose in a book, she graduated with the highest of honors with a Creative Marketing degree and a Business Management degree. Her hard work has paid off two-fold. She's been offered a number of jobs recently but only one of them is in California and it happens to be close enough to me that we're going to stay together.
The moving truck leaves tomorrow morning before graduation. We're driving my car home and making a vacation of it. It's my gift to Felicity for graduation, she just doesn't know it yet. If I told her she would never agree to it. She still doesn't like it when I buy her things.
Next (Kiss Series Book 1) Page 6
