There's a knock at the door. Vance is either early or someone else is coming to visit. I brush my hands down the front of my dress and reach for the handle. The door opens on its own and in walks Elliot, a pissed off look on his face. I wasn't expecting him.
"What are you doing here?" The shock in my voice is apparent.
"Where are you going?" He may look angry, but he sounds concerned more than anything.
"Vance is picking me up for dinner. What's wrong?" He wouldn't show up without calling unless something was wrong. My thoughts immediately go to Luke. He was deployed overseas. Elliot never told me where they were sending him, but I can only guess that it's somewhere unsafe.
"I thought I would surprise you. It looks like I did."
"Surprised? Yes, for sure. I can cancel my plans with Vance. Just let me give him a call real quick."
"No need to call me. I'm already here." I look up to find Vance standing in the open doorway.
"Hey, Vance. This is my best friend Elliot. Elliot, this is Vance." My introduction is for nothing. They nod at each other and both turn back to me. "Vance, can we reschedule for another night? Elliot came in from out of town to surprise me."
His smile is hesitant. "Sure. I'll call you tomorrow."
Vance steps inside the room, quickly making his way towards me. When he leans down I think he's going to hug me. His lips smash into mine, his hands crushing my cheeks as he tries to eat my face. I don't move. I'm literally caught so off guard that I'm frozen in shock.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Elliot chuckling to himself. Asshole. He can clearly see that Vance is marking his territory. He's threatened by Elliot for no reason.
After Vance leaves, Elliot bursts into a deep laugh. "Wow! He's got it bad for you and you want nothing to do with him. I wish he could have seen the look on your face while he was kissing you."
"Funny. He's a nice guy." I'm irritated with Elliot. He shows up, ruins my date and then makes fun of the situation. "Why are you here?"
"I don't know. I got in the car to go for a drive and I ended up here. I thought it was about time I visited." His answer was rushed. He's lying to me.
"I call bullshit. What's really going on?" His face falls when he realizes that I'm not buying what he's trying to sell me. He should know better. He's never been a good liar, especially when he's trying to lie to me. I know him too well and I've known him too long.
"I talked to Luke today and he pissed me off so I went for a drive and ended up here."
Just the mention of his name has my spine tingling. "What's going on with Luke?"
"He's being an asshole as usual. He asks how I'm doing, what I'm up to and when I tell him he gets on my case about everything. He pissed me off, that's all. I needed some air." Whatever happened between the two of them is still festering. I hear the frustration in his voice, the anger, the concern. It's all there, spinning around, mixing together. He loves Luke, they've always been close, but he's not happy with him.
"Oh! Well, you're welcome to stay here for the weekend if you want. Felicity had to go home for a funeral. I pick her up from the airport on Sunday night." I don't really want him to stay here if he's going to be like this all weekend, but I also miss him terribly. I'm glad he feels like he can come to me when he's upset, but a phone call would have had the same effect. I could have talked him off the ledge and he could have saved himself the drive.
"I don't know. I have plans with some of the brothers and there's a party tomorrow night. I'll probably head back in the morning." He's skirting around the issue. Something else is going on. He's avoiding eye contact. I want to press the issue, but I can tell that whatever is going on between him and Luke is bigger than a fight. If he wanted to tell me, he would. At least, I hope that he would tell me.
We spend the rest of the night vegging out on my bed, watching made for TV movies and eating popcorn. I try to make small talk, but he's not interested. I'm getting one or two-word answers so I stop trying. It feels like our friendship is falling apart by the time we head to bed. I'm almost in tears. Things were fine the last time we talked. They were fine before whatever happened on the phone this afternoon. It makes me wonder what Luke told him. Did he say anything about me? Things are changing between us and I don't know how to stop it. I can't throw life in reverse.
If I could just pinpoint the moment our paths split, his moving in one direction and mine in the other, maybe I could fix whatever feels wrong right now. Maybe I'm over thinking things. Maybe whatever is wrong with him has nothing to do with me.
I roll over, putting my back to Elliot and attempt to fall asleep. I hear him moving around behind me, but I don't roll over. When I hear his voice and the words that come out, I freeze.
"He misses you, Reagan. I don't know why and he won't tell me what happened, but he misses you. I wish I had the courage to tell you. I hate him for loving you. He doesn't deserve you."
My heart soars higher than it has in a long time. Knowing that Luke misses me, that he cares for me. It stops and sinks when the meaning behind Elliot's words sink in. Luke told Elliot. I'm not sure what he told him but he had to tell him something. But, why wouldn't Elliot want me to know? Why would he hate Luke for caring for me? Unless... Shit! Elliot cares about me like that, too.
Thankfully Elliot takes off early the next morning to head back to Columbia. Big things are happening, he kept saying. He had to get on the road as early as possible. I was more than fine with him showering and hitting the road. I didn't sleep the night before, tossing and turning as his words ran through my head over and over again. Possibility after possibility, scenario after scenario.
I don't know how to feel. I don't think of Elliot like that. I never have and I don't imagine I ever will. It's Luke that I want. It always has been. I've never thought of another man the way I think of Luke, the way I dream of him, the way I desire him.
Vance calls as I'm trying to sort things out in my head. Before I realize what I'm doing, I break things off with him. When he asks me why, I tell him that I have feelings for someone else. I'm sure that he assumes that I mean Elliot. I'll let him assume that. I won't have to see him again so it doesn't matter.
I would be lying to myself if I said that it had nothing to do with Luke. Breaking up with him has everything to do with him. The way Vance kissed me last night, with force but no grace, turned me off. I want soft and sweet, but I also want heat. I had both of those things with Luke. There was this unexplainable balance.
My body didn't tingle with desire for Vance the way it did with Luke. I didn't yearn for one more kiss. Nothing. I felt nothing for him after he kissed me. I'm sure all his kisses aren't like the one he gave me last night. At least I hope not for his sake. If he was trying to make an impression on me, though, with that kiss, he certainly did. Not the right kind, unfortunately.
ONLY ONE MORE week and I'm headed home for the summer. I'm going to miss Felicity, but she promised to call me as much as she could. She's staying here for the summer to take classes and work. I'm thinking about coming back early to spend some time with her before classes start, but it all depends on if Luke is coming home or not. I don't want to miss him.
I look around the room and remember all the good times I've had this year. Next year Felicity and I are going to be living off campus. I convinced her to live with me. My parents bought me a two bedroom condo last week. I moved all my stuff over yesterday and Felicity is going to move her stuff slowly over the summer. I'm also leaving her my car while I'm gone so that it's easier for her to get around.
There's only one thing left in the room that's mine. A framed photo of Elliot, Luke and I from the weekend before he left. I'm in between the two of them and both of them have their arms wrapped around me. It was a perfect weekend.
Thinking about the time the three of us spent together reminds me of Elliot's confession when he came to visit me. We've talked a dozen times since then and nothing leads me to believe that he has feelings for me. Maybe I was reading to
o much into it.
Maybe he was feeling over-protective of me because of Luke. Or Vance.
I almost forgot about him. The kiss of death. The kisses have gotten worse since then. I've tried to give a few different guys a chance, but it seems like every time one of them kisses me I have to move on. One guy even looked a lot like Luke so I was hopeful that he might be better than the rest. He was the worst one of all.
Felicity thinks it's funny that I keep dating guys that suck at kissing. She has no idea who I'm comparing them to. I want to tell her about Luke, but I can't bring myself to say the words out loud. I can't bear to relive the best and worst moment of my life.
So I force myself to move on to the next guy that asks me out. I give them a chance to prove themselves only to continually be let down. One day. One day, I'll meet the right person and the kiss we share will make all of my trial and error worth it.
August 15, 2006
Luke,
I'm not sure how to even start this letter. When you left for boot camp it seemed like there was something between us. I know I didn't imagine it. You felt it too. Your actions, the fact that you came to see me that night, the way your body reacted to mine, told me more than words ever could.
Looking back now, I think about that night. The fact that you didn't stay with me should have been a neon sign that you may have regretted the kiss. I hate to think that. I don't want it to be the truth, but the fact that you haven't returned any of my letters in so long tells me that I'm right.
I'm sorry if I pushed you.
I'm sorry if you regret that day.
I'm sorry we didn't have more time to figure it all out.
Maybe someday things can be different. Maybe not.
I regret nothing. I never will. I have no reason to be ashamed of how I feel for you. You are a wonderful person with a big heart. I wish you would let me in. I wish you would let me love you.
I'm heading back to school next week. Felicity and I have moved into a condo. I'm telling you this because my address is changing so if you do write. I'm not expecting you to at this point. Why would I? I'm sick of being disappointed. I can't take the heartache.
You own a piece of my heart, Luke. I wish you didn't sometimes. I wish I could stop looking for you in every man I date. It's not fair to them. It's not fair to me. In a way, it's not even fair to you. No other man will ever compare to you, to the way you made me feel with just one kiss. I've tried to find him, the one who will be able to erase that day from my memory. I don't think it'll ever happen.
There will come a day when you walk back into my life. It's inevitable. Our lives have been intertwined since we were kids. When that day comes I need for you to do one thing for me; if you love me, tell me. If you don't, I need for you to let me go. It'll be hard enough seeing you. I can't allow myself to hope for more than a hello or a goodbye.
Until then,
Reagan
SUMMER PASSED BY in a flash. I send Luke a few letters, but they all go unanswered like the rest. I don't know if he's avoiding me or if he's letting me go. I would like to think that there's something else stopping him from writing me back. In the end, it doesn't matter. I sent him one final letter at the end of August. I told him everything I've ever wanted to tell him and hope that the letter at least finds him well.
Before I have time to enjoy myself, I'm headed back east to start another school year. It begins the same as the first one ended, with no luck finding Mr. Right. And no Luke. I attempt to get over him, to push him from my mind, but I can't seem to shake him.
I do the only thing I can think of to keep my sanity in check, I focus on myself. I throw all my energy into school and take all my frustrations out at the gym after class. It occupies my mind for a while but not long enough. I started dating again only a few months into the new school year and things end up much like they did the year before. I'm disappointed in each and every man I kiss.
I try to stick with a few of them for more than just one kiss, hoping that my feelings for them will grow. Preston lasts the longest. He reminds me of Luke in a lot of ways. They're built the same. His mannerisms mimic Luke's in the craziest ways. He's a fun spirited man, always picking on me. I think it's the eyes that cause me to stick with him the longest. They are almost a perfect match to Luke's. Most importantly, his kisses are passionate but gentle.
"Do I get to meet this guy when I visit this weekend?" Elliot asks.
"If you want to." I'm not really sure if I want Elliot to meet him, but I also don't feel like I have a choice. If I say no, he'll ask me what I'm hiding. Plus, Preston asked if he was going to get to meet Elliot as well. They're both curious about the other man in my life. If they only knew that the most important man wasn't going to be present this weekend.
Felicity waits as long as possible for Elliot to arrive. She's excited to get to finally meet him this weekend. We've lived together for a year and a half now and she still hasn't met him. She leaves for work only minutes before he shows up.
I greet him with a big hug. He stayed in New York for Christmas this year so we haven't seen each other since summer. He hasn't changed a bit. Myself on the other hand, I'm changing more and more every day it seems, but Elliot doesn't seem to notice.
"So, where is Felicity? I thought you said she was going to hang out with us this weekend." Elliot looks past me into the living room.
"She is. She had to work tonight, but she's off the rest of the weekend. She left a few minutes ago so it's just you and me tonight." I pull him into the apartment and he drops his bag on the floor.
"What about Preston? I thought he was going to be here too." Elliot gives me a knowing look. I'm not going to be able to avoid this.
I promised Preston I would call him when Elliot arrived so he could come over. I wasn't going to call him at all. I was going to text him and tell him that Elliot canceled or make up an excuse as to why he couldn't come over. It doesn’t look like I’m going to be able to avoid this situation.
"I'll call him in a minute. Can't we hang out, just the two of us? Why do you need to meet him?" I'm whining and I know it. I don't care. If I'm lucky, Elliot will give in.
"I need to meet this guy and make sure he's not a douchebag. Call him." He's serious. He's going to play big brother and check out my boyfriend. His words cause a smile to break out across my face as I dial Preston's number.
I grab us each a beer while we wait for Preston to arrive. My nerves go on high alert when he knocks on the door. I'm not sure how this is going to turn out. What if they don't get along? I want them to get along, I think. It'll make life a lot easier but on the flip side, if they don't, I have a reason to let Preston go. He's nice, but I never planned to keep him around for this long to begin with. If he didn't remind me so much of Luke, he would have been gone after the first kiss.
I close my eyes and take a deep, calming breath. When I open them, Elliot is watching me like a hawk. I'm sure my body language tells him more than words ever could. My back is straight as a board and my hands are clasped in front of me. I stare at the door from my spot on the couch for a moment before standing.
Plastering on a fake smile, I open the door to find Preston smiling back at me. He leans in and kisses me softly on the lips before ushering us both into my apartment. My legs feel heavy. They don't want to carry me the twenty feet back to the couch. Turning around, I find that they won't have to. Elliot is behind me with a look of shock on his face.
"Hey, man. You must be Elliot. It's nice to finally meet you. Reagan has told me a lot about you." Preston is holding his hand out, but Elliot is making no attempt to raise his own. He's staring at me, shock and anger the only emotions present.
"I need to I talk to you alone, Reagan." Elliot stalks off toward my room before I can answer him.
"I'm sorry. I have no idea what's going on. I'll be right back." I squeeze Preston's hand, more for my own comfort than his. I knew it was a bad idea for them to meet.
Elliot is pacing the length of my r
oom when I walk in. He doesn't bother to stop when he sees me. He only shakes his head before he starts yelling.
"Really! Are you kidding me, Reagan?"
"What the hell is your problem?" I ask as if I don't already know. I'm going to play stupid for as long as I can. When Elliot stops dead in his tracks and turns toward me, I know that it's going to be better to come clean. His left brow is raised in challenge to my words.
"Luke." One word. Just his name. That's all Elliot says. He's waiting for me to respond, but I have no idea what to say. I give him a questioning look, but he continues to stare at me and wait. He's not giving me a choice.
"What do you want me to say, Elliot? He looks a little like him, but it's not like their twins. What does it matter, anyway?"
"It matters. Why are you dating someone that looks like him? Do you have a thing for Luke? Am I missing something here?"
Damn it! I think back to last spring when Elliot showed up unannounced. His words while he thought I was sleeping are still as clear as day. He knows how Luke feels about me, but he doesn't know that anything happened between us. He was mad at Luke for caring about me just like he's about to be mad at me for caring about Luke. I have to try and play this off the best I can.
"Your brother is attractive. What's the big deal? I would be stupid not to notice him after spending most of my life hanging out with the two of you."
"Right. He's attractive. There's nothing more to it than that? There's no other reason that you might be dating someone that resembles him as much as Preston does?" He pauses, waiting for me to defend myself, but I can't. He'll see through any lie I try to tell. "I can't believe I never saw it before today. Why would I? You're both so good at hiding things from each other. I shouldn't be surprised that you'd be good at hiding shit from me."
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