"What's wrong with the way I look?" I look down at the outfit the lady at the store helped me pick out. It's simple. I bought my first pair of skinny jeans, some amazing brown leather boots that come up to my knees, and an off-the-shoulder flowery top. I think I look nice.
"Nothing. That's the problem. You look really pretty."
No one has ever told me that I look pretty. To hear the words come out of Elliot's mouth stuns me for a second. I don't know how to respond. When I don't, Elliot turns around to face me and crosses his arms over his chest.
"Look, Reagan. I'm not mad at you. I just didn't expect this version of you to walk through my door. I wish you would have told me. I knew you were going to make a few changes, but I didn't expect this big of a transformation."
"I'm still the same person I've always been, I just look a little different. It's not a big deal unless you make it a big deal."
"It is a big deal to me. I'm going to have to kick someone's ass tonight, I just know it."
I shake my head at him and laugh under my breath. "Why is that?"
"We're supposed to be going to a party with some of the guys from the dorm. I don't know if I want to leave here with you looking like that. The guys are going to hit on you left and right and I'm going to lose my shit." He's serious.
"I can change if you want. I have my other clothes in my car. Will that make you feel better?"
"No. Don't do that. Just promise me that you won't fall for some drunk guys nice words and get yourself in a situation you can't get out of. I really don't want to go to jail."
"Promise," I say as I pull him in for a hug. The fact that he cares so much warms my heart. I missed my friend.
Walking up the steps to the frat house, my stomach starts to churn. I'm going to vomit. I'm completely out of my comfort zone. When I told Felicity where we were going she started laughing. We both know I'm not going to last long in a place like this. I may be more social than I was in high school, but I'm still not ready to spread my wings and be the social butterfly that I want to be.
The music smacks me in the face as soon as Elliot opens the door and ushers me in. There are a ton of people crammed into a small room, dancing and drinking. The guys are grinding against the girls. The girls are loving the attention, their drinks spilling out onto the floor every time they move. I won't be joining them on the dance floor.
"Reagan, this is Pat." I turn my attention in the direction of Elliot's voice. Standing in front of me is a shirtless, toned, frat boy with blond hair and a tattoo spanning the length of his chest. Attached to his hip is a half passed out blonde, holding on for dear life.
I stretch out my hand to shake his. "Hi!" I scream over the music. He shakes my hand, his thumb caressing my knuckles. That's when I notice the look he's giving me and pull my hand away. He's obviously drunk as well. Sorry bud, you aren't going to get anything from me.
"Do you want something to drink?" Elliot asks, his mouth as close to my ear as it can get so I can hear him. I shake my head and he heads off to get me something.
"So, how do you know Elliot again?" Drunk Pat is moving closer, Blondie moving right along with him.
"We've been friends since we were kids." I keep my answer short and simple. I scan the room for Elliot. He needs to hurry the hell up. I'm not good at small talk and Pat is giving me the creeps.
"What kind of friends?" I hear the suggestion he's making. I should probably shut down any thought that he might have of me and Elliot, but I don't want to at the moment. I want him to think we are together so that he'll leave me alone.
"The kind you're thinking we might be. Sorry.” I don't sound sorry, but I'm sure he's too drunk to notice. In fact, he's staring at me like he didn't hear a word I just said. There it is. I just saw the light turn on. Pat nods his head and turns to Blondie. He whispers something in her ear before picking her up and tossing her over his shoulder. I watch as he takes her up a set of stairs and they disappear. At least he's gone. I feel bad for the girl. I hope she doesn't regret her decision in the morning.
The rest of the night is uneventful. I tell Elliot what I hinted at with Pat. He gets a good laugh out of it. The entire house knows that we're just friends, but the room is full of strangers to him so we play along with my lie. Elliot holds my hand to keep the weirdo's away. We won't have to worry about him going to jail now.
I do my best to hold conversations with Elliot's frat brothers. Most of them are nice. Some of them are too nice, probably because they're drunk. A few ask him about the hand holding and he tells them the Pat story. They all get a laugh out of it.
Elliot and I pass out in his bed about four o'clock. My last thought before letting sleep take me is of the girl that was in his bed earlier. I'm going to make him wash his sheets tomorrow. Who knows what other girls have been in his bed and how far he's gotten with them.
March 19, 2006
Luke,
Your letters have stopped completely. If I said something wrong, please tell me. I'm not sure what happened or when but I can feel the change and I don't like it. Things felt like they were headed in the right direction until you stopped writing. I'm going to assume that you've received my letters. I'm going to keep writing until I can't take the silence anymore. I wish you would write back, though.
I'm sorry I'm complaining. I know you're deployed and that things are probably scary as hell over there. I just wish I knew that you were alright. It's hard. Being here, knowing you're over there and not knowing that you're safe. Elliot said you should be back in the states again soon.
Speaking of Elliot, I have a funny story to tell you. I just got back from visiting him for Spring Break. He knew I was coming to visit, but I got there a little early and interrupted him with his flavor of the week. You should have seen the look on her face. Actually, you probably wouldn't have been focused on her face since she was naked. It was priceless. I don't think anything else that week compared to how surprised she was when I flicked on the lights. He says that she's called, but I'd be surprised if they see each other again. She didn't seem like the type that would stick around for long anyway.
Do you remember our trip to New York? It was before everything changed. It was before you signed up for the Marines. It was back when life was simpler and none of us had to worry about anything. Do you remember how Elliot tried to convince me to go shopping? Well, I finally did. In fact, I went a little overboard I think. I bought clothes, shoes, makeup. It was a life altering experience. The makeup lady was kind of scary too.
I look a little different than the last time you saw me. I would send you a photo, but I want to surprise you the next time you see me. When is that going to be? Will I ever see you again? You didn't make it home for Christmas and Elliot seems to think that you won't make it home this summer either. That makes me sad. I can tell that it bothers him too.
Think about it. If you can make it home, we would all love to see you. Everyone misses you.
XOXO
Reagan
AFTER A WEEK IN NYC, I was ready to get back to Yale. I was ready to get back to my normal life. I forced Elliot to go shopping with me on more than one occasion and now I'm almost regretting our last trip. I'm headed up the stairs with my arms full of shopping bags for the third time.
I couldn't stop at clothes. I had to have all the accessories to go with my new wardrobe. I bought shoes, purses, and makeup. Jewelry to match each outfit. Makeup in abundance. I have so many new things, I'm not sure I'm going to have room for it all in our tiny room. I'm going to have to go through my old wardrobe and pitch some stuff. Maybe all of it.
This is the new me. I keep repeating that to myself as I huff and puff up the last few steps. I need to accept the price of changing who I am. It all starts with my new look.
I'm in the middle of sorting through my old clothes when Felicity gets back from work. To say that she's excited to see me is an understatement. She jumps over a few piles and tackles me in a hug as soon as she's through the door.
&nb
sp; "How was your trip?" She asks, rolling onto her back but not getting up.
We talked at least once a day while I was gone. She already knows everywhere I went and everything we did. She knows how much fun we had. Looking around at the mess I've made, I see why she's asking.
"It was good. I brought you something," I say, pushing myself off the floor. I search my bed for her bag amongst all the others until I find it.
"You didn't have to buy me anything. I'll just borrow what you bought when you're not looking." She would too and I wouldn't care. We share everything. I'm pretty sure she's gotten over the fact that we're from different social classes.
"I know but when I saw them I knew you would love them." I hand her the bag over a pile of clothes I'm going to be getting rid of. Popping off the floor, she jumps up and down in excitement as she digs for her present in the over-sized bag.
When she pulls out the boots, the expression on her face is priceless. Pure shock. I can't tell if she likes them or not at first. Then, her face lights up with a smile and her signature squeal sounds.
"Oh. My. God. They're awesome!"
"I hope they fit. I had to guess your size. I couldn't remember if your feet were a little bigger or smaller than mine. I guessed bigger."
"You guessed right." She goes to put them on but stops. The price tag is sticking out. I snatch the boot out of her hand as quick as I can, pull the tag off and hand it back to her before she sees it. I'm too late. "I can't accept these. They cost way too much."
"You can and you will. It's the least I can do since you couldn't come with me."
"No, really Reagan. They cost more than I make in a month."
"I know that, but they'll look amazing on you. Plus, I can't return them. I won't be going back to see Elliot until next year probably. Please." I beg her to accept them. I knew she might put up a fight. I can't believe I forgot to take the tag off.
"Fine," she says. I'm waiting for it, but it never comes. She must really like them because normally she would follow up with conditions of accepting them. Last time it was doing my laundry in exchange for the pedicure I bought her. I kept my laundry clean for over a month before she forgot about our deal.
I change the subject while she puts the boots on and walks around the room in them for a few minutes. "I'm going to the rec center for a while. Did you want to come with me?"
I'm far from overweight but working out is going to be part of the new me. I bought clothes to get me started. I bought Felicity an outfit too. I'll give that to her later, once she's over the boots. This time I'll remember to remove the price tags.
"I have to study tonight."
"Seriously? We are in our last hours of spring break. Why don't you take a moment to relax from studying? I'm sure you did plenty of that while I was gone."
She glances at the clock, I'm sure she's calculating the amount of time she'll have to study once we get back. "Let me change and I'll keep you company for a little bit. What's with the sudden interest in working out, though? You're already skinny. My big butt could stand to lose a few pounds but not you."
"First of all, your butt is not big. Second, working out creates endorphins or some shit that creates energy. At least I think that's right. I'll be more focused to study when we get back if my blood is pumping." She gives me a curious look but doesn't say anything else about it.
MY BODY IS achy. A week straight of working out at the rec center after nineteen years of never being active is killing me. If the pain doesn't subside in a few days I'm going to stop going altogether. Who am I kidding? I won't stop going. The pain supposedly means good things.
Limping up the stairs to my room I have a sudden craving for coffee. I turn back around and head across campus to the coffee shop. Thankfully, my legs start to ache less the closer I get.
I order my usual and take a seat near the front windows. People watching has become one of my favorite things to do to pass the time. I like to study them and see what I can figure out about them just from watching them for a few minutes. The group of girls walking past the coffee shop right now are sorority girls for sure. They cling to each other for dear life, walking closer than necessary. There's one near the back that reminds me of the person I use to be. She's hugging a book to her chest, following them quietly.
The chair across from me is pulled out and a guy sits down, a huge grin on his face. I stare at him for a moment before I find my manners.
"Hi. Can I help you?" Apparently I left my manners at home.
"Sorry to bother you. I've been watching you for a few minutes and thought I would come over and say hi." I've barely touched my coffee. How long has he been watching me because that's a little creepy. "I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime."
I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. I'm pretty sure I'm in shock. I've never been asked out before. I don't know what to say. He's good looking and he seems nice, but there's still something about him that I can't put my finger on. He looks familiar in a way.
"Um. I don't know."
He extends his hand across the table and I instinctively meet him halfway. We shake and he introduces himself to me. "Vance."
"Hi, Vance. I'm Reagan."
"It's nice to meet you. Now that we know each other a little better, can I ask you out again so that I can learn more about you?" He's full of himself. He seems to think that knowing my name entitles him to take me out. Is that how this works? Do people meet each other and go out on dates without really knowing anything about the other person?
"You can ask me anything you want, but you might not like my answer." I'm flirting with him to stall. I don't know what to say. I need to consult Elliot or Felicity. What would they tell me to do?
"At the risk of being rejected twice in one day, would you like to go out with me on Friday night? I promise to be on my best behavior."
I thought that he might give up if I avoided the question, but he didn't. Now I have to make a split-second decision. What if he's a crazy psycho killer? Do I really want to take that chance?
"I'm not really sure that's a good idea, but maybe we could get coffee together on purpose sometimes so that I can get to know you better." Meet in the middle. I can compromise if he can.
"I think that sounds like a good idea. How about Friday afternoon. Are you free?"
Hopefully, Felicity is free. I can bribe her to watch us from a distance with coffee I'm sure. Plus, she can always study while she's here. "Four o'clock?"
"I'll meet you here then. It was nice to meet you, Reagan." He stands and tosses a sexy grin in my direction. I'm not sure if I like it or not, but he does have a handsome face.
Friday comes too soon. I'm not ready for it to be here yet. Felicity seems to think that I'm crazy for not wanting to go on a date. Elliot was indifferent when I told him that I was going on a date. I started to write Luke a letter telling him. That's when I really freaked out. I crumpled up the paper and tossed it in the trash. I can't tell him. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I shouldn't be going out on a date with anyone.
Why am I nervous? All I can think about is the fact that he's not Luke. I spent last night lying awake, thinking about Luke. When I closed my eyes to try and sleep, he was there, shaking his head at me the way he used to when we were growing up. He never seemed to understand anything I did.
I dreamt of our day in the woods. The way he made me feel came back in waves so strong that my chest felt tight, my heart pounding like it was trying to escape. I've had the same dream so many times that I'm waiting for it to end differently just one time. It never does. He always leaves, the taillights disappearing down the driveway, tears running down my face.
The one thing I regret more than anything else is the fact that I never told him. I tried to play it cool. I wanted him to think that it was just a kiss. I think that was more for my sanity than for him. I tried not to focus on what we could have together knowing that our time was limited. He was leaving.
Everything changed with tha
t one kiss. Nothing will ever be able to compare to the way his lips felt against mine. Nothing will compare to the way he made me feel in that one moment. He made me feel special. I crave his touch still and it's been two years.
VANCE IS NICE, but he's not Luke. I spent our entire date comparing him to Luke. When he asked if we could go out again, I said yes because I felt like I hadn't given him the chance that he deserved. I need to move on from Luke, but I'm a realist at heart. That's not going to happen anytime soon. The only way I'll ever get closure is to see Luke and tell him the truth about how I felt about him. How I still feel about him. I'm hoping that he's able to come home on leave this summer. It doesn't feel right to tell him in a letter. I can't bare my soul to him without knowing that he hears what I'm trying to say.
I don't like talking about Luke with Elliot. I'm pretty sure he has his suspicions about why I ask. I never told him what happened and I never will. He doesn't need to know and I'm too embarrassed to relive that day, even if it is Elliot. It feels like a mistake sometimes, but I know, deep down, that it set in motion a series of events that I wouldn't change for the world. The night we spent together. The letters we've shared.
The new me. Luke may not be responsible for buying the clothes or putting the ideas in my head, but I'm doing it for him, in a way. I want him to want me. I want the next time we see each other to be a wow moment for him. I want him to like what he sees and to want to be with me. I am still the same person on the inside, the one he chased in the woods that day, I just look a little different. I want him to take notice.
Vance and I are headed to dinner tonight. He said he was going to take me some place nice this time, so I slip on one of my new dresses and my favorite pair of knee-high boots. The time I'm spending at the gym is starting to pay off. I'm slimming down and toning up. I need to go shopping again for new pants. The ones I bought in New York last month are starting to get loose on me.
Next (Kiss Series Book 1) Page 4
