"It's not that," she whispers. "I don't know how to say this without sounding like a bitch."
"Then sound like a bitch. I promise to forgive you."
Felicity turns and I can see that she's been silently crying. Her face is blotchy and red, tear stains running down both sides. What the hell did I do to this girl? I want to hug her, but I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do or not.
"I'm not rich."
"So. What does that have to do with anything?"
"We're the opposite of rich. Literally the opposite. I wouldn't be here if everything wasn't covered. I need to find a job so that I can buy things like coffee or snacks to keep in here. My parents can't help me at all. I have five siblings at home that they need to provide for."
I feel bad for even walking into the coffee shop now. I forget that not everyone has a trust fund or a bank account that will never drop below a certain amount. Not everyone is as lucky as I am in that department.
"Without trying to offend you or sound like a bitch," I pause because that causes her to smile, "I don't care that you're not rich. I do have one rule, though."
"What do you mean you have a rule?"
"The only rule about living with me is this... if you ever need anything, big or small I don't care, and you can't afford it, you will ask me. My parents are the nicest people on the planet. Money doesn't matter to them as much as happiness. We are blessed to have money and they would be pissed at me if I let you go without. Understood?"
She thinks it over for a second before she nods her acceptance. I have a feeling that she'll never ask me for anything but the offer is there if she ever needs to take me up on it. Plus, I need someone to go out with if I ever get the nerve up to go out.
She stands and throws her arms around me. Apparently now is the time to hug. I'm going to have to remember that.
October 18, 2005
Luke,
It's been so long since I've heard from you. I'm not going to lie. I'm starting to worry about you a little. Elliot said that you were fine, but it also felt like he was trying to avoid the conversation. I need to know you're okay. Please write me back if you can. Or call. You can always call me. Even if you only have five minutes. I would love to hear your voice. I miss it. I miss hearing you say my name.
More than anything, I'm sad. I'm sad that you haven't written. Not hearing from you makes the heart ache ten times worse. I need something, anything. Please.
I'm not opposed to begging, obviously. There is so much that I want to tell you and I don't want to tell you in a letter. About school. About me. About the things, I've learned. I want to share my life with you. I don't even know if these letters are reaching you anymore. I hope they are. I hope you read them and know that I still feel the same about you as I did before you left. I hope you still feel the same about me.
Miss you.
XOXO
Reagan
December 6, 2005
Luke,
I went home for Thanksgiving and it wasn’t the same without you there. I was hoping that you might call while I was at your house but you didn’t. I had to excuse myself from the table after dinner to get some fresh air. My emotions were about to get the best of me and I don’t want Elliot asking questions.
I did take a chance and popped into your room. Elliot and James started a game of football in the backyard with our parents so I knew I had a few minutes. I may have borrowed a t-shirt out of your drawer. I’ll gladly return it to you the next time I see you.
When is that going to be? Your mom was saying that you aren’t coming home for Christmas either. I don’t want you to think that I’m not proud of you, or that I’m ungrateful about the fact that you’re serving our country. That’s honorable on so many levels. I just miss you and I want to see you.
XOXO
Reagan
STARING AT MYSELF in the mirror, I can't decide what I want to do first. It's been almost six months and I haven't even attempted to change who I am. This was supposed to be about reinventing myself, becoming the person I've always wanted to become. I need to start eventually. I think I'm afraid to lose the person that I am in the process. Reagan version 1.0 isn't a bad person. She just needs to be spruced up a bit.
I can't start talking about myself in the third person. Not even to myself. People will think that I'm crazy. I might even start to think that I'm crazy.
I keep telling myself that this has nothing to do with the fact that I haven't heard from Luke. Not one letter since school started. I check the mailbox every day hoping I will find a letter, one word, anything from him. It's been silent. Even Elliot hasn't mentioned him in a few months. I know he must be safe, alive, but I don't know anything more. He was deployed again shortly after I left Pacific Grove. Elliot wouldn't tell me where but judging by the tone of his voice and the way he was trying to avoid the conversation, it might not be some place safe. That hasn't stopped me from writing him like I always have. In fact, I have a letter that I need to mail to him sitting on my desk.
I shake my head and try to clear away thoughts of Luke. Out of nowhere it hits me. I have a plan. I know what I want to change, what I don't. I realize that I won't change what's inside, that I'll still be the girl who loves with all her heart. I'll still be the girl pining after the man that may never come home. I don't want to change those things about myself. What I want is to prove to myself, and to Luke the next time that I see him, that I am worth more than just one mind-blowing kiss. I want him to want me as much as I still want him.
The door bursts open and Felicity runs inside, kicking the door closed behind her as she strips down and searches for something to change into.
"Rushing off somewhere?" I ask as she pulls a thick sweater over her head.
"I have to be to work in less than five minutes. My exam took longer than I thought it would. I'm going to be late if I don't run." She's out of breath which tells me that she ran here from across campus already.
"Why don't you just call them and explain that you're going to be a few minutes late? I'm sure it's not a big deal. They know you're a student."
"It matters to me. I need this job, remember? I need the extra five minutes on my paycheck. I'm barely making it as it is."
Felicity took the first job she found. She works at the library as much as they'll allow. She spends almost all her time there, studying or working. If she could get paid to study, she would. I'm sure they pay like crap and I get that she needs this job, but I just wish we could hang out more. There's so much that's happened this past week that I want to tell her.
"What time are you out tonight? I was hoping that we could hang out. I had the funniest thing happen in class the other day and I want to tell you about it." I laugh out loud thinking about what happened. I want to blurt it out right now, but I know that she won't appreciate the story because she's preoccupied.
"I close down tonight so I should be home a little after midnight. If you wait up we can hang out for a bit. Gotta go." She doesn't wait for my response before rushing out the door she just came through, slamming it closed behind her.
I stare at the door for a few minutes after she leaves. I have at least six hours before she's going to be back. I have to find something to do. Turning back to the mirror, I have my answer. The glasses have to go. I drop Luke's letter in the mailbox on my way to my car.
I call my parents to let them know what's going on. They are always supportive of whatever I want to do and I love that about them. I wish they would ask why from time to time, question my judgment on some things, but they never do. My dad once told me that they raised me so well that he knows I will always make the right decisions for myself. If only he knew the motive behind this transformation... I don't think he would agree with my decision.
Two hours later and I'm headed back to the dorm, glasses in my purse, my eyes burning. Contacts are a huge pain in the ass. The doctor said that I would get used to them over time. I get that. What I don't understand is why it feels like my eyes
are on fire. Will that ever go away?
I wait as long as I can before I take my contacts out and put my glasses back on. I wanted to show Felicity, but I felt like ripping my eyeballs out. I can show her tomorrow. Apparently, I'm supposed to wear them for a few hours a day, longer each day, until I feel comfortable with them. She'll see them eventually.
Right now, my eyes are hurting and tired. I lay down on my bed, turn on the TV and close them, listening to the news as I pass out. I hear Felicity come in at some point, but I don't bother to open my eyes. When I wake up in the morning, she's already gone. There's a note on the whiteboard we have on our door. She's at the library studying for an exam. I could have guessed that without the note.
I get ready for class, forcing myself to put my contacts in. They don't sting as much this morning. I'm grateful for that since I won't be able to take them out for at least the next six hours. Just in case they start to bother me, I stick my glasses in my bag before I head out the door.
My phone rings just as I'm about to enter the class. It's Elliot. It's been a pain in the ass getting him on the phone the last few months. We spent some time together over break when we were both home but since coming back east, we've both been really busy. I peek in the classroom to see that the professor hasn't arrived yet before answering his call.
"Hey, Elliot. My class is about to start. What's up?"
"Not a whole hell of a lot. Just wanted to say hi and see if you were still planning on coming here for spring break."
I forgot about that. I should go. I haven't been to see him yet. Plus, the shopping in New York City is amazing. I could get some new clothes. Someone can show me how to put makeup on. I might even go to the salon and have them do something drastic to my hair. My makeover could begin.
"Yep. I'll be up there Saturday or Sunday. Can I bring Felicity?" I'm not sure what her plans are but if she's not working, I would love for her to finally meet Elliot. I talk about him all the time. They are practically perfect for each other. Wait. They can't date. What if they broke up? I don't want to lose either of them.
"Sure. I would finally get to meet your infamous roommate. I was starting to wonder if she really existed." His voice is dripping with sarcasm.
"Funny. I'll let you know. Gotta go."
"Okay. I'll call you later." I hang up the phone and walk into class just as the professor starts his lecture. I take a seat in the back of the room for a change. I normally sit in the front row, but I don't want to draw attention to the fact that I was late by walking all the way to the front.
Class drags on. I draw up a plan for spring break in NYC. I haven't been there since we went to check out Columbia before Elliot applied. We had a blast in the city that weekend. It was Elliot, Luke and me. Luke was supposed to be our chaperone since he was the oldest. I don't think his parents realized that at only 20 months older than Elliot, Luke was the least responsible of the three of us. We spent a good amount of time roaming the city, finding cool places to hang out. Elliot tried to convince me to go shopping while I was there, but I ignored his pleas. Luke made fun of him after that for wanting to shop. I have a feeling that if I had wanted to shop, both of them would have been by my side, helping me pick out clothes the entire time.
Thinking about Luke sparks a fire within me that I thought was starting to die. The day he left Pacific Grove for boot camp a part of me went into hibernation. My heart stopped beating as I watched his parent’s car disappear down their driveway. I was left standing, alone, waving at the car. Elliot and James went with their parents to see Luke off. I tried to sneak a moment alone with him, but it never worked out.
He knew how I felt about him. I didn't need to say it one last time. My actions spoke for themselves. After that day in the woods, we were never the same. The nights we spent together only confirmed how we felt about each other. We didn't fight like brother and sister anymore. We didn't tease each other or pick. He never chased me again, but he did watch me. Like a hawk. The change was so noticeable that Elliot said something to me about it. He asked me if something happened. I had to lie to him. I didn't want him to know. I didn't want anyone to know.
I wasn't embarrassed. Why would I be? I had been fantasizing about Luke for at least three years at that point. He hit puberty and I took notice. I stopped thinking of him as a brother then. As he grew into a man, I couldn't help but want him even more. Luke had always been handsome, but something changed about him. At first, I thought that it was the way his body became toned or the little bit of facial hair that he let grow. I realized that it was his confidence that I found so sexy. He was sure of himself and the person he was becoming. I was still unsure about everything except the way he made me feel.
All the letters I’ve written him lately have gone unanswered. That's not why I write them. I write them because I want him to remember me, to remember the way it felt that day. I want that kiss to have as much of an impression on him as it did on me.
SPRING BREAK SNUCK up on me. I forgot to ask Felicity if she wanted to go with me. She picked up extra shifts at the library to cover for the people who were going to be gone. I was on my own for a week. A week in NYC with my best friend. I couldn't wait to see what Elliot would say when he saw the new me.
I scheduled an appointment at a salon before I left town. The stylist was fantastic. She helped me figure out what the best look for me would be. She put layers in my hair, lightened it underneath and made it darker on top. I wasn't sure if I was going to like it, but it turned out amazing.
Once I made it to the city, I stopped at the first clothing store I came across. I bought a few things that I thought would look nice. I made sure that they fit me better than the clothes that I was currently wearing. I changed in my car before heading to Elliot's. He wasn't expecting me for a few more hours, but I couldn't wait. I was too excited to see him. I was excited to show him the new me, the improved version of myself that I had been working on over the last few months.
He said that he noticed a difference in me over Christmas break. I told him it was all because of Felicity. She's helped me open up. I actually try to talk to people. In high school, I stayed as far away from others as I could. I didn't feel like I needed anyone else because I always had Elliot. I still have him and I have Felicity. I also have a study group in a few of my classes and a few people that I talk to outside of class.
I don't feel alone at Yale. I thought that I might, but I don't.
I knock on Elliot's dorm room door, but he doesn't answer. He has a single so if he's not answering, no one's home. I try the handle and it turns with ease. I open the door a crack and peek my head in. I hear a noise coming from across the room so I run my hand along the wall for a switch. As soon as the light comes to life I regret my decision. There's a half-naked girl on top of Elliot.
She screams. I scream. Elliot covers his eyes and groans.
"SERIOUSLY, REAGAN! Did you not see the Do Not Disturb sign on the handle?" Elliot is pissed. He never gets mad at me. This girl must mean something to him if he's upset that I interrupted whatever was about to happen.
The look he's giving me, as if he doesn't recognize me, is what concerns me the most.
"Nope," I say as I cross the room. The half-naked brunette is crawling around on the floor, looking for her clothes, by the time I reach the bed. I stretch out my hand to introduce myself, but she's not interested. "I'm Reagan."
"That's nice. Elliot, I thought you were single?" She sounds even more upset than Elliot. Avoiding eye contact with me, she pulls on a pair of jeans and slips into her sparkly sandals.
"He is," I answer. "I'm his best friend."
"Sure you are." She picks up a blue frilly top off the floor and covers herself with it as she brushes past me and heads for the door. "Don't bother to call me."
My eyes follow her as she exits and slams the door shut behind her. I hope she takes a minute to put her shirt on before she gets too far. Unless she's trying to attract attention. Walking around like she is now w
ill certainly do that for her.
"Way to scare her off, Reagan." Elliot is up and hugging me in an instant. I can't tell if he's still mad or not. "What's with the hair, by the way?"
"You don't like it?" I run my fingers through my long bouncy curls. I love the color. I'm no longer a true California blond. I have "dimension" as the stylist put it.
"It's nice. Where are your glasses?" I don't miss the dismissive tone he's using with me.
Leave it to Elliot to give me the support to make a few changes and then question those same changes. "I got contacts."
"Oh." He says as if he doesn't care. I get that I interrupted something and scared away the girl, but I don't understand why he's acting as if he doesn't want me here right now. Am I an inconvenience to him? We've been planning this trip for months.
"I can go if you don't want to hang out." The words are out of my mouth before I have a chance to change my mind.
"Do whatever you want."
"What the hell is your problem? You invite me up here and now you're treating me like shit."
"Where's your roommate?"
"Don't change the subject. What the hell is going on with you?" I'm yelling. I know it and I know that the rest of the dorm can probably hear me, but I don't care right now. He's going to explain his attitude or I'm going to leave. This will be our first fight in years. In fact, I can't remember the last time we stood yelling at each other like this. I think it was freshman year of high school. I remember it had something to do with some slut that was trying to get in his pants.
"What do you want from me? You show up here, early, barge in my room and act like I shouldn't be mad. Well, I am. It took me weeks to get her to go out with me. There's no way she's going to believe that you're just my friend, not with you looking like that." He turns his back to me and drops his head to his chest.
Next (Kiss Series Book 1) Page 3
