"You are both adults. You don't need my permission or blessing to be together. You have both if you want them, though." I smile at my friends, knowing that they have an opportunity to make each other very happy.
"You're right, Reagan. We don't need your blessing, but it means the world to me that you would give it." Elliot pauses and looks toward a very flushed Felicity. He takes her hand in his. She doesn't fight it. "You could have this too, you know."
Elliot's words catch me off guard. When I make eye contact, I confirm the fact that he's talking to me. I force a smile on my face and nod in his direction. Maybe someday.
"If you're still waiting on Luke, he'll be out in a few months. That doesn't mean that he's coming home, though. In fact, I doubt he will. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but he's changed."
My heart sinks. The truth hurts. I feel a stabbing pain in my chest. Sadness consumes me from the inside and works its way out. The first tear escapes before I have a chance to get control of my emotions. I hold my head a little higher and let it fall. They both know how I feel about Luke so for the first time ever, I allow myself to cry in front of another person.
In true Reagan fashion, I’ll do the only thing I know how to do to keep my feelings in check. I’ll date. I’ll throw myself into it head first. For the next year, I'll date as many guys as time allows. My only focus will be to feel nothing, fall for no one. I'll move from one to the next, biding my time until Luke shows his face. Then, when he finally does, it'll go one of two ways. We'll either be together or we won't. If we don't end up together... well, I don't honestly know what I'll do at that point.
Felicity and Elliot are too caught up in one another to notice the depression that I've fallen into. Thankfully, Elliot moved out a few weeks after he came home and Felicity spends most of her days and nights there. We still see each other on the weekends. We still spend time together, the three of us. I'm the third wheel these days when we go out.
My routine is on point. I run the beach in the morning. I've added an extra mile to my normal route and I'm feeling better than ever about my physique. After that, I work a minimum of twelve hours followed by an hour at the gym. I've given up cardio at night and now I'm focusing on toning. My legs and arms are looking great. My abs are flatter than they've ever been.
After the gym, I shower and hit the bar down the street. That's generally where I pick up my next fill-in. That's how I've started to think about them. They're filling in for Luke. They're only a part of my life because he's not here. None of them matter to me. Most of them don't make it past the first date.
I waited seventeen years for the most amazing first kiss. I always thought that I was a nerd because of that fact. What I realize now is that there was a reason that I never kissed a boy before Luke. I was waiting for him. I've been waiting for him since then.
Of all the men I've dated, all the horrible and sub-par kisses I've endured, there's one thing that I haven't let go of while waiting all this time. My virginity. It's not mine to give away. It belongs to Luke. If he had stayed with me that night after he kissed me it would have been his, but he was a gentleman. He knew where things would lead and he knew I would be even more devastated after he left. Some days I thank him for that, other I curse him.
I'm sure my friends think I'm sleeping with some of the guys I date. I almost did a few times in college. The urge was there, but the passion wasn't. My heart wasn't in it. Whenever things got to that point, my first thought was always of Luke.
Then they would kiss me and that was the nail in their coffin.
FOR THE FIRST Time in weeks, Felicity and I are having dinner at home, just the two of us. She and Elliot are celebrating one year this weekend. We have a party planned for tomorrow night here at the house. Felicity doesn't know it yet, but Elliot has big plans for their anniversary.
"Are things okay with you? You seem different." She's hesitant. Why is she hesitant?
"Yeah. I'm fine. Why?" I take another bite of my salad, picking around the tomatoes. I try not to make eye contact. She can read me like an open book and I don't want to give anything away.
"It just seems like you're going out a lot lately."
"Oh! So what?" That was a quick shift in the subject.
"Well-"
"Is my social life affecting you in some way that I'm not aware of?" I regret the words as soon as they’re out of my mouth. Felicity has never done anything other than support me when I've needed it the most. I need to dial back the anger in my voice.
"We're concerned about you, Reagan."
Great! Elliot is concerned too. He wasn't concerned the other night when he called to tell me about this weekend. He wasn't concerned when I talked to him at lunch this afternoon.
"About what? There's nothing to be concerned about. You two should just focus on yourselves."
"He's not coming home, Reagan."
My fork falls from my hand and crashes into the bowl. The world starts to spin around me as it sinks in. Her words strike deep. I knew it was a possibility, but I prayed that it wouldn't become my reality. I've held on to his return for so long now that I don't know if I can give up. My feelings for him won't change because of this. Nothing could ever change that.
"When did Elliot tell you?" I want answers. How long have they kept this from me? Why didn't Elliot tell me himself?
"I overheard him on the phone last night when I stopped by. He was planning on telling you this weekend. I wasn't supposed to tell you. I think he's trying to talk some sense into Luke. He wants him to come home as much as you do."
"I'm sure he does."
I have to get out of here. My mind is racing a mile a minute. I should call him. It's been a long time coming. I know how to pick up a phone. I can get his number from Elliot. If I could just get these feelings off my chest then maybe I will be able to move on. If he's not coming home, I have to.
I lace up my shoes and take off down the beach. I'm pushing myself too hard. The sun is almost down, darkness is surrounding me. I don't care. I keep running until I hit my mark and then I turn back. I'm halfway back to the house when my legs start to give out. I have to stop. As soon as I bend over my dinner comes up. I'm trying to catch my breath when I feel someone approach from behind.
"Water?" He asks. Leave it to him to be here at my weakest moment. I hate when people see me like this. I don't like looking vulnerable. I stand and turn to face him. I gratefully accept the water bottle he's extending towards me and drink it down.
Will takes a seat in the sand and I follow suit. My legs are trembling and my heart is still racing. I need to rest for a minute before I head back to the house. Looks like I have some company.
"What are you doing out here? I thought you only ran in the morning?"
"I needed to get out some frustrations."
"Want to talk about it?"
"Not really." If I stay any longer he might get the idea that he can convince me to talk. Ready or not, I need to head back. "Thanks for the water. I'll see you around."
I toss Will his water bottle before jogging slowly back towards the house. I practically crawl up the steps of the porch and into the house. I start the shower and stand under the cold spray until my body is numb. I knock on Felicity's door before heading to bed, but she doesn't answer.
Tomorrow. I'll fix this tomorrow. It's not her fault that he's not coming home. It's not her fault that I'm in love with someone who is afraid to love me back. It's not her fault that I've spent the last nine years fantasizing about one man, planning my life around one moment. A moment that isn't going to happen.
My gift to Felicity for her anniversary is a day at the spa. It's also my chance to apologize to her for the way I've been acting. When she tried to talk to me about it last night, I blew up on her. I felt bad instantly but instead of admitting that I was being a bitch, I stormed out.
We ride to the spa in silence. I know what I need to say. I have the words, but they won't come out. I'm ashamed of how I reacted. I sho
uld have been preparing for the worst instead of expecting the best. I should have known that he wouldn't come home. Time to suck it up and ask for forgiveness.
"I'm really sorry, Felicity. I know it's not your fault and I shouldn't have been such a bitch to you." She doesn't respond right away. I turn my blinker on and pull up to the spa. The valet it as my door in seconds, but I hit the locks. We need a moment still.
"I'm not going to apologize for being worried about you, Reagan. I'm still worried about you. You’re self-destructive right now and the fact that Luke isn't coming home makes me even more concerned. I don't want you to do something that you'll regret the rest of your life."
"I won't. I promise. I'm attempting to come to terms with it, but I'm going to need time. I've waited so long, I don't know what to do right now." I don't know how else to put it. My head is still spinning and the only thing I can focus on is the fact that I may have wasted my life waiting for someone that I'll never have.
One kiss changed my fate. I let it happen. No. I made it happen. I based decisions off of the feelings that consumed me after that day in the woods. I led a life that has been self-destructive since that day. It's not a new development it's just enhanced over time.
I need to let my dreams go. I need to let Luke go. I just don't know how.
After a relaxing day at the spa, I take Felicity to Elliot's. I'll see them again in a few hours. He needs time alone with her, though. Felicity and I seem to be headed in the right direction. She's accepted my apology, but I can tell that something is still bothering her. Her day is only going to get better as it goes along. Elliot will make sure of that.
We walk in the front door and I holler for Elliot so he knows we're here.
"Out back." The voice is familiar, but it's not Elliot's.
I rush to the patio to find James standing, waiting to engulf me in a hug. What a fantastic surprise.
"Hey beautiful."
"What are you doing here?" I hug him again and squeeze a little tighter this time.
"I thought I would drop in for the weekend. When Elliot told me he was celebrating a year with Felicity, I had to see for myself." He lets go of me to give Felicity a hug. "I can't believe you stuck with him this long."
"Stop it, James. You make it sound like I should have my head examined."
Elliot's phone rings and he excuses himself. The look on his face tells me that it's a call he doesn't want to take. I can't imagine work is calling him on the weekend. When he doesn't return after a few minutes, I go in search of him.
I hear him in the kitchen, softly yelling. I stop before I enter when I hear what he's saying.
"You're an asshole. Why not? It's only a weekend, Luke." There's a long pause. I peek around the corner. His back is to me. His body is hunched over the counter, his fist is clenching and unclenching. "We want to see you, you know. You could at least-
"This isn't about- I know how you feel about her and I know how she feels about you. You two need to talk. You're both miserable. No, Luke. No! You're going to have to deal with this shit eventually. It's been almost a decade. Damn it!"
He slams his phone on the counter. I back up slowly and make my way to the bathroom. I close the lid and take a seat on the toilet. I replay Elliot's side of the conversation over and over again in my head. Why is Luke miserable? How does he feel about me? Why hasn't Elliot ever mentioned anything to me? I don't know for sure that they were talking about me, but it's a safe assumption.
There's a knock at the door followed by Felicity's voice. "Are you okay, Reagan?"
"Yeah. I'll be out in a minute." I flush the toilet and turn on the water to make it sounds like I was actually using the bathroom. Looking at myself in the mirror, I know Felicity will see right through my act. I need to get out of here.
I apologize to my friends, say that I'm not feeling well and rush home. I keep my mind occupied the rest of the afternoon getting set up for the party. The more I attempt to focus on each task the more I fail miserably. Elliot's words cause my heart to pound inside my chest.
I know how you feel about her... You're both miserable.
I need to clear my head. I change and slip on my shoes. I take off down the beach, music blasting in my ears to drown out my thoughts. I focus on my run, one step in front of the other. I focus on the music and my breathing, humming the beat to myself. Deep breathe in, let it out. Repeat.
As I approach the house I see someone on the porch, waiting for me. He keeps showing up at the most inconvenient times. I'm starting to think he's stalking me.
"What are you doing here?" I ask between deep breaths. My heart is racing. I only ran a mile but it feels like five and it didn't help. Now I'm physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.
"I saw you running. Again, not at your usual time. I thought you might need to talk." I'm surprised at how sincere he sounds. I blew him off, I continue to blow him off, and yet he keeps checking up on me.
"No offense, Will but why are you here, really? You have a girlfriend and I keep telling you no." I don't have time for games. I have enough on my plate right now. I tried to add Will into the mix and it didn't work out.
He thinks it over for a second before he responds. "I don't know. It's like I'm drawn to you."
"Well, I'm not sure what to tell you. Even if you were single, I'm not in the right frame of mind to date anyone right now. You don't want anything to do with me, I promise. I'm a mess." I take a seat next to him, rest my head against the back of the chair and close my eyes. "I wish things were different. You seem like a really nice guy. Until I move past some issues I'm having, I have nothing to offer."
"Not even friendship?"
"Friendship is a give and take relationship. I'm a taker these days." I know I'm being harsh and a tad bit rude but I've tried to let him down gently and he won't take the hint.
"I'll take what I can get." I open my eyes and look in his direction. He's serious.
"Fine. If you want to be friends we can be friends. I'm having a little get together tonight to celebrate my roommate's anniversary. It starts in a few hours if you want to come. You can even bring your girlfriend." That's all I can give right now. He can choose to take it or leave it.
"Thanks for the invite. I'll be here." He puts his hand on my shoulder, gives it a little squeeze and then he's gone.
EVERYONE'S HERE. Everyone except Elliot and Felicity. I'm sure everything is fine, but this party is for them. Where the hell are they?
I call Felicity's phone and it goes straight to voicemail. I try Elliot and get his voicemail as well. It's not like them to turn their phones off. Unless... maybe they're celebrating their engagement? It wouldn't surprise me. There's no doubt in my mind that Felicity said yes when he asked her.
James walks in the front door and I dart towards him. "Where are they?"
"What do you mean? They're not here already?" He looks confused. "I left them hours ago so that Elliot could do his thing. Have you called them?"
"I just tried again and both of their phones are going straight to voicemail. What was going on when you left? Were they fighting or something?"
"No. Elliot was fighting with Luke again and Felicity was in the shower. I figured he would pop the question after she got out and they would head over."
Why was he fighting with Luke again? Not important. If they're not here in twenty minutes I'm calling the police. Something doesn't feel right. Until then, I'm going to entertain our friends and try not to worry.
I turn around and run into Will's chest. It's so firm. He's so tall. I admire him for a moment before apologizing and looking away. I know he caught me staring. I wasn't trying to hide it. He knows how attractive he is.
"Where's your girlfriend?" I ask, trying to deflect from the uncomfortable moment I just had.
"I don't have one at the moment." He's staring at me with hope in his eyes. I warned him this afternoon that I couldn't be more than his friend. I don't want him to get his hopes up.
"Oh!" I'm
surprised but not as surprised as I sound. "Did you want something to drink? We have beer and punch in the kitchen."
Will and I both grab a drink and head out to the patio where most people are gathered. James has commandeered the grill. His dad looks hurt about it, but he's not putting up a fight. I know he enjoys the fact that he gets to see his son. I'm sure he would like to see the other one someday soon too.
Mr. Evan's phone rings and he disappears inside the house to take the call. I hear someone calling my name and peek my head in the house to see two officers standing in my living room. Will is right behind me as I approach, his hand resting on the small of my back for support.
"Can I help you, officers?" My voice cracks and I cough to cover my nerves.
"Are you the owner of the house?"
"Yes. Reagan Brooks," I say, extending my hand towards them.
"Ms. Brooks, do you know Felicity Granger?" My hand falls to my side at the mention of her name.
"She's my roommate. Why?" My voice is no louder than a whisper. When the officers look at each other before answering my question I know that something is wrong. Terribly wrong. Before they have the chance to answer me, Mr. Evans comes rushing back in the room, hollering for James and Mrs. Evans. I watch for a moment as the scene unfolds in front of me.
Mrs. Evans comes rushing in the room, a look of concern on her face. James is following behind her looking confused. When he sees his dad's face he starts digging in his pocket and pulls out his keys. They're out the door without saying a word. James looks back at me as he shuts the door behind them, his emotions a mix of concern and terror. Something has happened to Elliot and Felicity that much is clear. The room starts to spin around me, my body is tingling and I feel myself falling before being lifted. Something cold is touching my face. I open my eyes to find Will hovering above me. I must have passed out. I try to sit up, but he pushes me back down.
Next (Kiss Series Book 1) Page 9
