Next (Kiss Series Book 1)

by Rachael Brownell

  My resolve to let him go lasts as long as it takes him to walk to the front door. "Wait, Luke."

  He stops but doesn't turn around. His head drops to his chest. "Ask me, Reagan."

  "I can't."

  "Why?"

  "I'm afraid of the answer. You're going to leave, right? Does it even matter?"

  He spins and is in my face in seconds. "It matters. You matter. You always have. I saw it back then and I see it now." I take a step back and he matches me. Another and my back is against the wall. His body language changes and a playful grin appears on his face. "Here we are again. Tell me, Gracie. What do you want from me because there are a few things I can offer you."

  His words shatter my resolve. I close my eyes and were back in the woods, young and impressionable. Running from our fears and towards each other. I remember being head over heels in love with him. Am I still in love with him or am I more in love with the idea of him, the memory of him?

  I have two choices right now. I can go for broke and tell him everything. Or, I can stick to my guns and tell him nothing. Neither option appeals to me. I want something in the middle. I want time with him, to get to know him again, the person he’s become. Time is so precious, though. You never know how much you are going to get.

  That's my answer.

  "Time."

  "How much?"

  "As much as I can have." He takes a step back and looks in my eyes. The burning desire is still there, but something else is lingering as well. "I won't lie to you and tell you that I don't care about you, that I haven't spent every day for the last ten years wishing for this moment. I've imagined this going one way and one way only. Losing Elliot puts a whole new spin on everything, including this. So, right now all I want is time, with you."

  "I have a plane to catch in two days. You can have me until I leave if you want." I nod, never taking my eyes off of his. "Now, the question is where do you want me?"

  I start laughing hysterically and so does he. I'm thankful for the break. I was drowning in the tension in the room. His words hit me deep though. I'm not sure how much he knows and I'm sure that he doesn't know that I've never been with a man.

  I stop laughing. I need air. I try to step around him, but he traps me against the wall again. "I was only half-kidding, Reagan. There is one thing I want from you and I can't wait a second longer."

  I draw in a deep breath, ready to blurt out the truth. I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. Luke is staring at me, waiting for me to say something, but I can't. He leans in close and whispers in my ear. My eyes close, his voice seducing me in the way I've dreamt it would.

  When his lips touch mine the sparks fly. No time has passed. I wrap myself around him and he lifts me, pressing me against the wall. The same combination of gentle caresses and passionate lust ignite something deep down inside me. This is what I've been looking for all these years. This is why no man has ever measured up. It's my own personal heaven.

  I feel us moving and then I'm being lowered onto something soft. The couch. Luke is on top of me, one of his knees between mine, the other planted on the floor. I open my eyes when he pulls back. He reaches up and moves a stray piece of hair from my face, softly rubbing my cheek with the back of his hand. He kisses my lips gently only once and then pushes himself off of me.

  "There are things that I need to tell you. Things you deserve to know. You may hate me in the end, but it's not fair to you." Luke's voice is conflicted. I attempt to sit up, but he makes it impossible. I'm trapped, right where he wants me. Where I can't run.

  "What things?"

  "I don't even know where to begin. It feels like there's so much you don't know."

  "The beginning sounds like a good place to start."

  His smile sad. "It's been so long. What's the beginning? Before I left or after?"

  "Before you left I was here. What don't I know?"

  "The real reason I chased you in the woods that day."

  I'm pretty sure my heart just stopped beating. He had a reason? I thought I was the one who instigated it. I thought I was in control. I thought I was making things happen. "Why don't we start there then?"

  "Because that's not the beginning."

  "I don't understand, Luke. The beginning of what?"

  "Of this." He's motioning between us. "I'm not sure when it began, but it was before I kissed you. It was before everything changed."

  I don't know what to say. I know that his kiss changed so much for me. It changed the way I saw the world. It changed the way I saw myself. I wanted to be different. I wanted people to look at me differently. I wanted Luke to look at me differently. What changed for him?

  "I love you, Reagan. I think I always have. I don't remember a time when I ever thought of you as my sister. I only remember thinking that I was going to marry you someday. I remember the first time I told Elliot. Remember the black eye I had my freshman year? He gave that to me."

  "He never told me that."

  "He wouldn't. He tried everything he could to keep me away from you. He convinced me that getting involved with you would destroy your friendship. After I kissed you, I told him I was going to break my promise. I wanted to be with you. He couldn't stop me, but the government could. I had already signed up for the Marine Corps. I tried to get out of it, but my contract was legally binding. I couldn't bring myself to tell you and then leave you."

  "I know how you feel about her... You're both miserable." You can hear the realization in my voice.

  "What?"

  "I heard Elliot say it to someone on the phone the morning of the accident." Just saying his name makes me sad. Remembering him hours before the accident... I can't even put my feelings into words right now. I can't imagine how Luke feels, his last conversation with Elliot being a fight. Over me.

  "You heard him? Did you know he was talking to me?"

  "I think I knew, but I didn't know you were talking about me. I wanted it to be me, but then I didn't at the same time." I feel my emotions working their way to the surface so I look away from him and focus on the ceiling. I'm not sure what I just saw in his eyes, but there was a flicker of emotion that I didn't recognize. It may have been regret.

  "We were always fighting. He was trying to get me to come home. I was so happy for him. I wanted to meet Felicity. I couldn't face you."

  "Why?"

  "I knew you would take one look at me and you would know. He didn't give me much of a choice, did he? I thought I got the last word before I hung up on him. I was wrong."

  I'M NOT SURE what to say to Luke so I don't say anything at all. I can feel his eyes on me, but I resist the urge to make eye contact. I keep my eyes trained on the ceiling. If I look at him I know I'll lose it.

  "There's more, Reagan. There's so much more that I need to tell you, that you deserve to know." I feel Luke push himself up and off the couch. I don't move.

  "Does any of it matter anymore? We were kids, Luke. So much has changed since then." I want to know everything, but I'm emotionally drained. His being here has caused the large hole in my heart to grow even bigger. I can't take it.

  "Some things have changed, you're right. Others things seem to be the same." His voice is softer than it was before. I sit up and find him standing near the doors to the patio, staring out at the ocean. "You. You've changed, but you're still the same. Elliot told me that you had changed, that I wouldn't recognize you, but he was wrong. I would be able to pick you out of any crowd, no matter what you look like."

  "I'm still the same person I've always been I just bought some new clothes and put a little life into my hair." I'm defending myself. Why? Isn't this what I wanted? Isn't this why I made all these changes, to impress Luke?

  "You look beautiful, Reagan. You would look beautiful in a potato sack, though. You didn't need to change a thing about you. It doesn't change how I feel about you."

  "It changes how I feel about me. I was sick of being the girl no one cared about. The one who was dismissed because she wore jea
ns and a t-shirt instead of pretty dresses. The one who didn't want to take the time to put makeup on or do something fancy with her hair every day. People never took notice of me." I stand, my words growing stronger and stronger, and make my way towards him, stopping at a safe distance. "I was an extension of Elliot and nothing else. I was Elliot's friend. Now I'm Reagan. People don't have to associate me with Elliot or anyone else. I'm my own person. People want to know me. Guys want to date me." The words are out of my mouth before I think about what I'm saying.

  Luke's head falls to his chest. I hear him sigh before looking back out at the ocean. The Pacific is rocky tonight. I can hear the waves crashing ashore through the open door. Fitting. My mood is in tune with the ocean. I now understand what people mean when they say they feel a "sea of emotions" because that about covers it right now.

  I'm angry. I'm confused. I'm sad. I'm happy. All of those roads lead back to the man standing in the open doorway with his back to me. The man that I've been in love with for as long as I can remember. The man who walked back into my life today after ten years of silence. The silence is what hurts the most.

  "Reagan, that day in the woods... it's all I think about. You. You are all I think about. Elliot knew how I felt. He tried time and time again to convince me to come and see you, to call you. I couldn't and I'm sorry. I know now that I should have. I wasted so many years wanting to be with you but too afraid to make the decision."

  "What about now?"

  "I'm still scared. I'm afraid that I'll ruin you. I'm afraid that you'll hate the person I've become. I'm afraid that it won't last. That scares me the most. I can't imagine not having you in my life. You've always been a part of it." My heart yearns to be closer to him, but I will my feet to stay put.

  "Ten years, Luke. It's been ten years since I've seen you. I haven't been a part of your life in ten years. Why now? Something made you change your mind."

  "Elliot."

  I close my eyes at the mention of his name. Even though he's gone, he's still finding a way to impact my life. "What about Elliot? I thought you two were fighting."

  "We were. I called him back that afternoon to apologize. I told him I bought a ticket and was at the airport on my way home. I wanted to meet Felicity and I thought it was about time to make things right with you. He was ecstatic. It was going to be a big surprise for the whole family. James called me just as I was about to board the plane to tell me that Elliot had been in an accident. He was gone before the plane took off. I didn't tell James I was on my way home. I hid out in a hotel near the airport for a few days before heading over to my parents’ house. I was ashamed of how I had been acting. I was ashamed that I hadn't been home in years. I drove right past the house and kept going. I couldn't face them. I knew I had to eventually but I couldn't do it yet.

  "I drove for a while, sorting out my thoughts. When I got back to the hotel I had made my decision. I was going to see you first and then I would go see them. I was worried about you and needed to know that you were okay. I knew there was a chance that you might not want to see me, that you might not care about me anymore even though Elliot insisted that you still loved me. I was pulling up to the house and saw him walking up your driveway. I watched as you let him in, a fake smile on your face. I thought about stopping anyway, interrupting whatever was going on, but my doubt crept in and I drove away.

  "I'm lost right now, Reagan. I still love you, but I don't want to hurt you. You deserve so much better than me. You deserve someone who won't run when things get tough. I also can't let you go. I tried. I hated myself for so long after that. I knew I was hurting you, but I did it anyway hoping that you would move on." He pauses and takes a deep breath. "Have you?"

  "I wrote you." Three words. I keep my voice flat, free of emotion the best I can. I need to know why.

  "I know. I read every single letter." He turns and faces me as he speaks. I wait for him to say more, but he doesn't. He stares at me, waiting for me to ask him the question that's been on my mind since I first saw him again this afternoon.

  "Why, Luke? Why didn't you write me back?"

  "I thought you'd never ask." He slowly makes his way to the front door, brushing his arm against mine as he passes. My body betrays me and shudders from his touch. I hear Luke open the front door and close it again. I can feel him in the room so I know he hasn't left. When I feel him approach from behind, I turn. "These are for you."

  Luke drops a brown paper bag overflowing with envelopes onto the coffee table between us. I can see my name printed on the envelope on the top of the pile. He wrote me. A lot.

  "Read them, or don't. If you want answers, they're in there. I wrote you once a week that first year. After that, I wrote you once a month. The letter on the very top I wrote before I left North Carolina, after the conversation you overheard between me and Elliot. It's all there. Every answer you need is in these letters." His phone starts ringing in his pocket, but he ignores it. It's playing my favorite song. Halestorm's Here's To Us. I wonder if he knows that.

  "I don't know what to say. I want answers, but I'm afraid too. I'm afraid I won't like the answers." The fact that he wrote me makes my heart ache. I'm torn between jumping in his arms and smacking him across the face for never sending them. "You disappeared, without any explanation. I was worried. I love you, Luke. You have no idea what I went through when your letters stopped arriving. You were overseas. Elliot wasn't volunteering any information."

  "I asked him not to. I was trying to let you go so that you could live your life. I told you not to wait for me, but I knew you would. I knew because I was waiting for you. I was waiting for us."

  "And then you gave up."

  "I never gave up. I thought I was giving you the easy out, the option. I never thought you would hold on this long. I never imagined that you loved me as much as I love you. It just didn't seem possible."

  "I did. You would have known that if you hadn't tried to push me away. You disappeared, Luke. I've compared every man I've ever met to you. Every man I've ever kissed." My anger at him is growing with each word I speak. How dare he make that decision for me. "No one has ever compared and no one ever will. You have ruined me in more ways than you'll ever know. I've tried, many times, to push past you, to forget the way you make me feel. It's impossible. Every time I think I've moved on someone mentions your name and I'm right back where I started. At the beginning. That scared girl in high school who was madly in love with her neighbor for longer than he even realized. I'm that silly girl who wanted to share all her firsts with the boy next door. In many ways, she's still waiting for him but he's never coming back. That boy is long gone. It's his memory that I'm holding on to these days. The memories we created together. The man he's become is a scared shell of the person he used to be, the one who radiated confidence and went after what he wanted. I'm looking for that boy again, the grown up version of him."

  Luke listens to every word I say without interrupting. Once I finish I wait for him to say something, anything. His face remained stoic while I yelled at him. He took the verbal lashing, either assuming that I needed to get it off my chest or knowing that he deserved it. For me, it was a little bit of both. I didn't go easy on him. I let it all out, I needed to, but he didn't deserve the amount of hatred that I heard in my voice. I could never hate him. My love for him runs too deep.

  "I'm sorry, Reagan." He steps around the coffee table and stands right in front of me. He's slightly taller than I remember. "I'm going to kiss you and then I'm going to leave. I'm telling you this because I don't want you to think that I'm running. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be back tomorrow and we can talk some more if you want. Until then, I need for you to remember one thing."

  "What's that?" I ask, staring directly at his chest, afraid to look up. There are tears threatening to fall from my eyes. The last thing I want to do is cry. I've done enough of that in the last few days.

  "I love you, Reagan. I always have and I always will. No matter how this ends, know that I will
always love you. It's your decision where we go from here, though. I won't make that decision for you." He tilts my chin up and our eyes meet. I see the sorrow in his eyes, the brown around his irises the lightest shade I've ever seen. He leans down and softly kisses me on the lips and then he's gone.

  The sound of the door closing behind him echoes through the house. I'm completely alone. I allow one tear to fall before I take a deep breath and put on my brave face. I stare down at the bag of letters on the table. I want to read them, all of them, but my heart aches at the thought of getting answers that I won't like.

  You can do this. Suck it up buttercup.

  I slowly take each letter out and put them in piles on the table. I grab a glass of wine and attempt to prepare myself. I reach for the first letter and slide my finger under the flap, popping the seal loose. I pull out the letter and read the first line. That's when I realize that no amount of preparation, or wine, will ever be able to prepare me for this.

  September 20, 2005

  Gracie,

  I know you hate it when I call you that but the meaning behind it is true. I don't know if you remember why I call you that or not. Hopefully, you do. You're my angel fallen from grace. You are a beautiful creature, inside and out. I am the luckiest man alive just to know you.

  I got your last letter and I feel like I need to clarify a few things.

  1. I DO NOT regret that night or that kiss. I didn't stay because I was afraid you would regret it if I did. I wanted you then and I want you now. Please don't doubt that.

  2. You DID NOT push me to do anything I hadn't been wanting to do for a really long time.

  3. Someday things will be different. I PROMISE!

  4. The next time you see me I will say more to you than hello or goodbye. I'm not sure when that will be or what I'll say but I would never be able to just say hello and I will never be able to tell you goodbye.

  Reagan, I love you more than words will ever be able to describe. I want to show you how much I love you. I want to call you and attempt to tell you. I can't do either. It's not fair to you. I don't want you to keep holding onto me when I have no idea who I'll be on the other side of this journey I'm on.