How does he know so much?
"There's nothing you can do."
"You don't know that. Why don't you let me at least try? Give me a chance." His plea is not about helping me. The way he says it tells me everything I need to know. He listened to our conversation last night. From the time he showed up until the time Luke left. I'm not exactly sure what he heard, but it was enough to know about my history with Luke and put the pieces together.
"I'm not sure what you heard last night, but you don't know what you're talking about."
"I know you love him. I know he's probably the reason that you won't let me in."
I want to disagree with him, but it's pointless. I'm not going to lie to him to save face. He's pushing me for answers and it's time I gave him them. I take a seat at the table and he follows suit, sitting directly across from me. He reaches for my hands, but I pull them back and place them in my lap under the table.
"You deserve the truth. I do love Luke. I always have. I've known him my entire life and I don't remember a time when I wasn't head over heels in love with him. Then he went away. He joined the Marines when I was still in high school. I haven't seen or spoken to him in almost ten years." I have to pause when I feel myself getting choked up. "No one knew how we felt about each other, not even Elliot. We hid it from everyone at first because it seemed forbidden. We use to write each other letters, but his letters stopped coming after my first year at Yale. I didn't know why, they just stopped. He was letting me go. He wanted me to live my life and be happy and he didn't think he would be able to make me happy.
"He's the only man I've ever wanted. He turns me inside out with just one look, one kiss. I dated in college, a lot. I kissed a lot of boys. Yes, boys. None of them even came close to making me feel the way Luke made me feel. So I would move on to the next. It was a cycle. Not one that I'm proud of looking back now but it was the way things were. No one was good enough. No one measured up. I was comparing them all to Luke. I couldn't help myself."
"What about me?" Will interrupts.
"You came the closest. I've felt things for you that I haven't felt for anyone else. I let you in longer than anyone else."
"You said came. Past tense."
"I... I guess I did." I stutter out. I didn't realize that I had placed him in a group with the others. Will is a good guy. I never meant to hurt him but judging by the look on his face, I have. "You deserve better than me, Will. You deserve someone who can give you all of themselves, their whole heart. I can't offer you that. I can't offer anyone that. I gave my heart away a long time ago and I never asked for it back. I don't want it back. It belongs to Luke, it always has."
Will stands and walks towards the steps. I think for a second that he's going to leave, but he doesn't. He turns back towards the table and starts pacing. Back and forth. Table to steps. Steps to table. He's not saying anything. His body language, however, speaks volumes.
He stops abruptly and turns towards me. His smile is grim, forced. "What can I do to change your mind? I'm in love with you, Reagan. I have been since the moment I met you."
I want to give him the magic answer he's looking for, but I don't have it. Nothing I say will make this easier on him. Nothing he says will change my mind. I don't love Will. If there was never Luke, he might have a fighting chance but that's not the case.
Will interprets my silence the way I hoped that he would. He bows his head and takes the steps two at a time until he's on the beach, walking slowly away from the house. I watch him as he goes. When he disappears from view I let my head fall into my hands and I cry. Not for my loss but for his. I know that I've broken his heart. I've hurt him and I never intended too. Even the best of intentions can go awry from time to time, though.
I don't have the energy to go for a run anymore. I don't have the energy to get up from my seat. This has been the most emotionally draining week of my life.
I allow myself to think about Elliot. What would he tell me to do? Would he want me to take a leap of faith and repair my relationship with Luke? Isn't that what he was trying to do for me? For the both of us? He's the one who invited Luke to town with the intentions of reuniting us. He's the one that put the wheels in motion.
I can feel him watching over me right now. I imagine the smug grin on his face. He knows the right answer, but he's not here to share. He's not here to tell me what I should do. I can't bounce ideas or thoughts off him anymore. He was my sounding board. He and Felicity but mainly him.
Felicity is getting released in the morning. She asked me to wash her sheets for her, but not her pillow cases. I'm assuming they might still smell like Elliot. I can't blame her for wanting to keep his memory alive as long as possible. I know it's not good for her, but we all cope in our own ways. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm coping.
Will was a big part of that. He helped me through the unimaginable and I destroyed him in the process. I'm a horrible person. I'm selfish and destructive. To others and to myself. I've been this way for years, but there was a time when I was a good person, a better person. Before Luke. Before I let myself get so wrapped up in him and the way I felt for him.
I force myself to get up. I need to clean the house and get it ready for Felicity to come home. I start by washing her sheets. I'm on autopilot. The bathroom is next. Another load of laundry. Vacuum the floors. Load and unload the dishwasher. Another load of laundry. Dust the living room. Go to the grocery store. Put the laundry away and start another load.
It's dark by the time I finish, but the house is spotless. Except the coffee table. It's still littered with letters, piled in small stacks, waiting for me to attend to them.
I stare at them from across the room. Do I really need to read anymore? Can't I figure out what I want to do without knowing every detail of Luke's life the last ten years? Does it matter what he felt when we were apart? It shouldn't. It should only matter how he feels now. How I feel now.
As long as we still feel the same way...
I do. I love him. He hasn't left my mind since he walked back into my life. The truth of the matter is that he hasn't left my mind in the ten years we've been apart. There's always been something or someone that's reminded me of him. Things that I've seen that I would think "Luke would love this" or "I wish Luke was here to see this."
As if he knew that I was thinking about him, my phone rings with a North Carolina area code. I contemplate not answering, but I know that he'll either call me right back or come over.
"Luke."
"Reagan," he teases, taking the same serious tone with me that I just used. "Are you busy?"
"Not really. I just finished cleaning. Felicity is coming home tomorrow. I was trying to decide if I had the energy to go for a run or not." Oh! And I'm staring at your letters, trying to decide if I want to read them or not. Trying to decide if I can handle reading them or not.
"I'm on my way over. I hope that's okay with you." It doesn't sound like I have much of a choice.
"Sure. I'll leave the back door open for you. I'm going to change and go for a run." At least this way I'll have time to clear my head before he gets here. If that's possible.
"Alone? At night?" You can hear his disapproval loud and clear. I guess he forgot that I've grown up since we last saw each other. Well, let me remind him.
"Yes, Luke. Alone. It's what I do. It's what I've been doing for years now. In case you weren't aware, I can take care of myself."
"I get that, Reagan. I know you can take care of yourself. I see that you take very good care of yourself and your body. I'm just worried about the random people that might like what they see as much as I do." He's always had a way of turning things around on me. It's not about me being able to take care of myself. It's about the crazy people in this world that might prey on me. He has a valid point, but I'm determined not to give in to him.
"I'll see you when I get back from my run. I'm leaving in five minutes so if I'm not back in a half hour, send out the search party." I hang up on him so t
hat I don't have to debate the topic.
He's waiting for me on the porch when I return. To the average observer, you would think that he's waiting patiently. I know him better than that. He's pissed. I can see it in his eyes. His lips are squeezing together, forming a straight line, his jaw clenched shut.
I ignore him and make my way into the kitchen for a bottle of water. I pushed myself too hard. I knew Luke would be here when I got back and I rushed. I wanted to see him but with my lack of sleep, my muscles started to revolt half way home. I had to slow down and walk the last hundred yards.
"Are you going to ignore me or are we going to talk?" Luke's voice is dangerously close.
I turn around to find him seated at the counter. Stealthy ninja. I didn't hear him come in, let alone sit down. The Marines have taught him a few tricks apparently. I wonder what else he learned.
I shake my head, pushing away the naughty ideas my body was coming up with. If I let myself think like that before we figure this out I might never be able to make a decision.
"I leave tomorrow afternoon, Reagan. Will you please talk to me?"
"I will. I need to shower first, though. Make yourself comfortable and I'll be back in a few minutes." I now have ten minutes to figure out what I want to say to him. As I'm about to close the bathroom door behind me I remember the letters. They're still on the coffee table. I need to pick those up.
I backtrack and find Luke standing over the coffee table, studying the piles. There's one letter, the one I read just before the sun rose this morning, sitting open on top. He picks it up and scans it. A small smile begins to spread across his face. I wonder what he's thinking.
February 14, 2007
Reagan,
Happy Valentine’s Day! I wish I was there to take you out for a nice dinner tonight and celebrate with you. I thought about sending you flowers, but I talked myself out of it. I haven't sent you a letter in over six months. Sending flowers didn't make sense. I don't want to confuse you more than I'm sure you already are.
One day, I will buy you flowers. Day lilies are your favorite if I remember right. White ones. That's what I'll buy you. Chocolate too. For our first Valentine's Day together.
We will have that one day, Reagan. I hope you realize that I'm not giving up on you. I'm not giving up on us. I'm not sure how long it'll take but when we are finally together, it will make all the years apart worth every painful moment.
Until then...
Always in my heart,
Luke
MY SHOWERS ARE normally relaxing. Not today. Today all I can think about while washing the sand and sweat from my body is the fact that Luke is in the other room. He's waiting for me. We need to talk. I've played this conversation over and over again in my mind for years. It's never ended the same way twice. Probably because I never thought this day would ever come. I've held onto the hope that it would for years, but that's all I held onto. Hope.
Hope is the equelivent of a wish. Wishes don't come true without a little help. You have to put in the time and energy to make wishes come true. We don't have time and I'm out of energy.
I towel off and throw on a fresh pair of running shorts. I notice the letters are missing when I pass through the living room. It doesn't surprise me to find Luke sitting on the patio, reading them. They're his words, his stories.
"I remember writing every single one of these." He says as I take the seat across from him. "This one was written from Japan. I spent six months over there."
He hands me the letter. I can't read it in front of him so I set it aside. I'll read it later after he's gone.
"This one," he says waving another letter in the air before handing it to me. "This one was the first letter I wrote you after I found out you moved back here. Every single one of these reminds me of the places I've been, places that I would like to show you someday. They remind me of you, of that day in the woods. Mostly, I think about the times when things were simpler. There was a time in my life when I didn't have to worry about you because you were with me, right next door. Distance wasn't an issue."
"That was so long ago, Luke."
"I know. If the distance wasn't an issue..." He lets his voice fade into the darkness. I know what he's asking me, but I don't know the answer to the question.
"I don't know. I've been thinking a lot about you, about us. In my mind, things can be perfect but we've never had that kind of luck."
We're both silent for a while. There's so much that I want to say, questions that I want to ask. I crave answers, but I'm afraid of what they might be at the same time. There is one thing that I need to know, however.
"I need to know why, Luke. What's the real reason you let go?"
"Right before you graduated high school, I freaked out about seeing you. I knew that I wouldn't be able to hide my feelings for you any longer. Elliot was going to be furious with me. I had broken my promise to him. I decided to skip coming home to avoid another fight with Elliot.
"After that, it got harder and harder to hear from you. I don't think I knew what I was doing at first. I tried to push my feelings for you away, but they wouldn't budge. You had captured my heart, Reagan. I couldn't let you go, but I knew it was unfair to you. I wanted you to wait for me. I wanted to be with you. If I let you waste away your life, waiting on me to come home, I would never forgive myself. That's when I stopped writing.
"I decided that I would give you the out. If you thought I was an ass, you would move on and be happy. I wanted you to find someone, to fall in love with someone. Someone that was available. Someone that wasn't me. I knew that if you held onto me that you wouldn't give anyone else a chance. There was only one flaw in my plan. I couldn't give up on you. That's why there are so many letters."
"You’re an idiot." I keep my voice calm as I insult him. He smiles at me, that devious smirk of his making its appearance after only a few seconds.
"I agree. Do you know the difference between that version of me and this one?" I shake my head. "This me, the one sitting across from you right now, isn't willing to give up so easily. He doesn't want to leave here without you. He wants it all but only if you're by his side."
I want to throw my arms around his neck and declare my love for him. I want to kiss him and ask him to take me to bed. I want him to make love to me tonight and wake up cuddled in his arms tomorrow morning. I want so many things right now. None of which makes this decision easier.
"I want that too, Luke. I'm just not sure if I want it right now. I need more time. I need to sort things out in my head." I can't believe I just said that out loud.
Luke slowly pushes himself out of his chair and stands in front of me. He bends over and kisses me softly on the lips, then the cheek and finally the top of my head. "Take as much time as you need. You know how to reach me. I love you, Reagan. I always have and I always will."
I close my eyes and let his words sink in. When I open them again he's gone. I know that I won't see him again until I decide to. If I decide to. The choice is in my hands.
I gather up all the letters that are scattered across the table. I need to get some rest. If I can see these, I'll spend all night thinking about them or reading them. I stick them back in the bag Luke delivered them in. All of them except the two he handed me earlier and a few others. I'll read them in the morning before I pick up Felicity.
The bag goes in my closet. Out of sight, out of mind. Sort of. The ones I kept aside get tucked in my nightstand for the morning. As I crawl under the covers, I replay my conversation with Luke over again. Did I make a mistake letting him go for now? Was I honest with him? Was I honest with myself?
I have the urge to call Elliot and tell him all about it. I've had that urge since Luke reappeared. Every time it happens it stands as a reminder that he's not here anymore. What would he tell me to do? He seemed to have an opinion the last few years. I didn't always agree with it and he didn't always share it with me, but I know he had his thoughts on the situation. Maybe Felicity will be able to shed s
ome light on it. If she's up to talking about Elliot, that is.
I close my eyes as exhaustion sets in. Sleeps takes me quickly.
"Wake up, Reagan!"
Who is shouting my name? I open my eyes to find Elliot sitting next to me on my bed, smiling at me from ear to ear. Elliot!
"Elliot. Is that you?" I sit up and reach my hand out to touch him and he's there. I can feel his arm, his skin.
"It's me. I miss you, Reagan."
"I miss you too."
"So, Luke?"
"Wow! That took you all of two seconds to bring up. At least you said that you missed me first." I can't help but laugh at my friend.
"I knew you needed me. He's always been a pain in the ass." He's never been one to skirt around the truth.
"Some things haven't changed." I have to look away from him. My heart is aching. "You already know what's happening. Why are you asking?"
"I want to know what you're thinking. You've been waiting for this your whole life it seems like. Now you have the chance to be together and you sent him away. That doesn't seem like you. The Reagan I know would have jumped at the chance to be with him. What's changed?"
"I lost my best friend. My other best friend is coming home tomorrow. I have to go back to work eventually. I broke up with Will." I pause for a second. None of those answers are going to be good enough for Elliot. "I have too much to work out right now. I need time."
"He leaves to go back home tomorrow."
"I know. He's going home, to his home, the home that's across the country. He doesn't live here, Elliot. He doesn't want to live here."
"And you think that wouldn't change if you were a part of his life?"
"I don't know."
"Because you didn't ask. You didn't give him a chance. You didn't talk about it. You sent him away with the excuse that you needed time to decide what you wanted. He did that to you and look how it ended. You both spent ten years loving each other but not being honest with each other." Elliot's words hit deep. I don't miss the point he's trying to make.
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