"Whose side are you on?"
"I'm not taking sides. I just don't want you to make the same mistake Luke did. That's the direction you're headed right now."
"I love you, Elliot, I do, but you don't know what you're talking about. Just because I need time to work through a few things doesn't mean that I'm going to lose contact with him for ten years. I want to be with him, but it's a little more complicated than you're making it sound." I'm exasperated with him. He's starting to piss me off and I don't want to be mad at him.
"Explain it to me then. Do you still love him?"
"You know I do."
"Then what's the problem? Do you want to end up like me?"
I feel like I've been slapped across the face. The first tear falls and I'm powerless to stop it. "You shouldn't have... it's unfair."
"Life isn't fair, Reagan. I wish I was still here. I wish I could hug you right now and help you two make sense of your relationship. I wish I could hold Felicity, kiss her one more time. What I want doesn't matter though, because nothing is going to change my situation. You, however, can change yours. I know you want to so figure it out. Sometimes love is enough, Reagan. This is one of those times."
The tears won't stop. I wipe my eyes with the sheet and catch my breath. When I look back up Elliot's gone. I take a deep breath before the first sob escapes my chest. I let it all out. I let go of everything I've been trying to keep inside.
The ringing of my phone wakes me up. I reach across the bed and silence it. The sun is shining through the curtains. I look down at my display and see Felicity's smiling face staring back at me.
"Hello," I mumble as I roll back over and pull the covers up to my chin.
"Are you still in bed? I thought you were going to come and get me?" Felicity sounds confused. She should. I haven't slept past sunrise in years.
"I am coming to get you. What time is it?"
"Almost noon. I've been waiting for you."
Shit! I didn't realize I slept that late. I sit up and rub the sleep from my eyes. "I'm on my way. I just need to change." My hand is wet when I pull it away from my face. I look down at my pillow, the tear stains evident, and my dream comes back to me. Elliot.
"Grab me a coffee on your way. See you in a bit." Felicity hangs up before I have a chance to respond.
I stare at my pillow for a few minutes before forcing myself to change and head to the hospital. Elliot's words ring loud and clear. I know what I need to do. My heart feels lighter, my spirits higher. Elliot was right. Sometimes love is enough. I hope this is one of those time.
THERE'S AN ENVELOPE sitting on the front steps when Felicity and I finally make it home. I snag it but not before Felicity sees it. I expect an inquisition, but it never comes. Only a sly, knowing smile.
I help her to the couch and head to the kitchen to make her some coffee. I was lost in thought on the way to pick her up and forgot her request. I could use a cup myself.
The letter never leaves my mind as Felicity and I sit on the patio and stare at the ocean in silence. I refill both of our cups twice before she finally says what's on her mind.
"It's nice to be home."
"It's nice to have you home. This place isn't the same without you. It's too quiet." I think about all the times I've walked in the past week to deafening silence. The knowledge that I was alone was the most unbearable part. It felt different than when Felicity use to stay the night over at Elliot's house.
"You haven't been completely alone though. Have you?" She knows the answer to her own question so I don't bother responding. "Are you going to read it? I'm assuming it's another letter from Luke."
"I'm sure it is. I'll read it later. Right now I want to relax and enjoy your company."
"Isn't he leaving today? Don't you think you should read that letter before he's gone?" She has a valid point, but I already have a plan. I wasn't counting on another letter before I put my plan in motion. "Reagan?"
"I hear you. I have a plan."
"Does it include reading that letter anytime soon?"
"I didn't expect him to write me another letter." No reason to beat around the bush. She's going to make me talk about it no matter if I want to or not. "I'm afraid it says goodbye. If it does, my plan doesn't matter."
"I doubt that. If there's anything I've learned in the last week it's that love is worth fighting for. Even if you only have it for a short period of time, the time you did spend together was worth every heartbreaking moment. Elliot may be gone, but I'll never stop loving him. If there's one thing that makes life worth living, its love. Love is enough, Reagan. I know you still love him so why don't you let him love you back? It's what you've always wanted. It's why you've been holding on all these years. It's why no other man has ever measured up. They weren't Luke. They weren't who you wanted at the end of the day. Now you have a chance to be together. You should take it. Don't waste another minute. Life is too short. I think we all learned that."
There are tears streaming down Felicity's face. She started to get choked up and they started falling the second she said Elliot's name. My own tears started to fall as I watched her put on a brave face for me. She shouldn't have to do that. I should be the one comforting her, sharing encouraging words with her and yet she's pushing me to move forward with my life.
I can only nod my head. My voice is lost. There are no words that will take away the pain we both feel right now. There are no words that will bring Elliot back to us. All we have now are the amazing memories we created. We're going to have to hold onto them for dear life.
I excuse myself and head inside to face my fears. I pull the letter from my purse and head to my room, closing the door behind me. If it is a goodbye letter, I'm going to need to be alone after I read it.
Reagan,
I'm leaving for the airport in a few minutes. I just wanted you to know that if it's time you want, take as much as you need. I'll be waiting for you when you make your decision.
I don't need time. I know exactly what I want. You. I've wanted this for as long as I can remember. I was afraid to have it, but I'm not afraid anymore. I know I've told you this before, but I'll say it again.
I love you, Reagan. I always have and I always will. There is no doubt in my mind that you feel the same way. That's why I'll be waiting.
I need for you to do me one favor, though. Please don't make me wait as long as I made you wait. I don't think I will be able to survive another ten years without you by my side. I know I said you could take as much time as you needed, but that was a lie. Please hurry.
I'm ready to start the rest of my life. That can't happen until we're together.
I love you.
Always in my heart,
Luke
Definitely not a goodbye letter.
I didn't understand until now why he signed his letters that way. Always in my heart. It couldn't be truer. If he's held onto his love for me this long, he's going to hold on forever. The feeling is mutual.
I hear Felicity calling my name and I run into the living room. She's sitting in a chair near the door, out of breath. Her face is ghostly white and her hands are shaking.
"What's wrong?" You can't miss the concern in my voice as I rush to her side.
"Nothing. I think the coffee was a mistake. It all came back up on the patio." I look past her and confirm her story.
"Are you feeling better now that it's out of your system?"
"A little," she says as she gains control of her breathing. "Can you grab me some water?"
I grab a bottle out of the fridge and bring it back to her. The shaking has stopped and her face has a little color back in it. She sips the water for a few minutes. I watch her closely for any signs that I need to rush her back to the hospital.
"I promised my parents that I would call them today once I was settled. Can you help me to my room so that I can call them and then take a nap?" I nod and grab her elbow to help her stand. "You should call Luke while I'm taking a nap."
Very
subtle, Felicity. Elliot rubbed off on her apparently.
"I'll think about it." In fact, I think I'll do more than think about it. I think I'll actually call him.
Once Felicity is settled, I pour myself a glass of wine and I step back out on the patio. My phone is sitting on the table, taunting me. I want to call him. I calculate the time difference. He's three hours ahead of us now. It's just past nine his time. Where has the day gone?
Screw it!
I pick up my phone, scroll through my contact and hit the call button before I back out. It goes straight to voicemail. I dial again and get his voicemail again. I set my phone back on the table, defeated. Maybe he's still on the plane? Maybe he forgot to turn his phone back on?
He's not avoiding me. I know that for sure.
I reach for my phone again and it rings in my hand. I smile spreads across my face and then vanishes. Wrong Evans boy.
"Hey, James. What's going on?"
"Not a whole lot. Just checking in. I wanted to make sure you were okay." He sounds like Elliot on the phone. His concern for my well-being warms my heart.
"I'm fine. Felicity came home today."
"I know. That was my next question. How's she doing?"
"She's resting right now. We found that coffee was not a good idea. In fact, I should probably clean it off my deck before it bakes into the wood."
"Gross. I could have lived without that image in my head. Thanks." I have to laugh at James. He's always been the squeamish one of the three boys. "Not funny, Reagan. You know that shit bothers me."
"Sorry. How are you by the way?"
"I'm doing fine. My parents are hibernating at the house, avoiding phone calls and visits from everyone, even me. I guess they saw Luke before he left, but that's it. I tried to call them before I called you and the phone was busy. I think my dad finally took it off the hook. Both of their cell phones are going straight to voicemail. I'm worried about them."
I wish I knew what to say. I'm not surprised that his parents are avoiding everyone and everything right now. They just buried their son. No parent should ever outlive their child. That's not the way it's supposed to be.
"I have to go see my parents for dinner this week so I'll stop over and check on them."
"Thanks, Reagan. I'd appreciate that. Elliot would too." James' voice catches in his throat when he says Elliot's name. I wonder how he's really dealing with all of this right now.
I think about the fact that I'm an only child. When I go, my parents will be all alone. The Evans have two children that will be a constant reminder of the one they lost. I can't decide what's worse. Losing your only child or staring at your living children and being constantly reminded of the one you lost.
I let James go so that I can check on Felicity. She's sound asleep when I peek my head in her room. She probably won't get back up tonight. I know she's been looking forward to sleeping in her own bed. It probably feels amazing compared to the hospital bed she's spent the last week cooped up in.
I try calling Luke one more time and it goes straight to voicemail. The stress of today is killing me. I need to clear my head. I change into shorts and a tank. That first step on the beach is the hardest. The silence allows my thoughts to creep in. On a normal day, I would welcome the time to think things through. Today, I would prefer my brain to shut down.
Deep breathe in. Deep breathe out.
I replay my conversations with Luke over the last few days. I replay my conversations with Felicity too. I remind myself to clean up the puke when I get back to the house. I think of Elliot. I focus on all the good times we had together over the years.
I laugh out loud when I remember the frat party he took me to. The look on that frat boys face when I told him that Elliot and I were dating still makes me giggle. The idea of dating Elliot makes me giggle. He was the greatest person I ever had the pleasure of calling my friend. He was a perfect match for Felicity.
My steps falter when I pass Will's house. The lights are on. I try not to look, but I can't help myself. I see movement in his kitchen. It’s Will. He's shirtless, staring out the window. It makes me wonder if he's watching for me. My running patterns have been mixed lately.
I slow down and eventually come to a stop. He hasn't moved. He's still staring and even though I'm sure he can't see me it feels as if he's staring straight at me. I want to lift my hand and wave, but I can't. If he is watching me, if he can see me, waving would only confuse him further.
I turn toward home, cutting my run short. I've lost my ambition. I suddenly crave the warmth and comfort of my bed. I want to pull the covers up to my chin and hibernate like the Evans.
The sorrow creeps in. In the last week, I've lost my best friend and the love of my life. I let him leave when I should have begged him to stay. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will call him and beg him to come back.
I crawl under the covers and pull Luke's letters out of my night stand. I need to feel his love right now. What better way than to read his words. The words he wrote to me, for me.
March 19, 2007
Reagan,
I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. I signed up for another four years. I know you'll ask me why one day and you'll want the truth so here it is.
I asked Elliot about you. He blew up at me. He told me about your boyfriend. I'm glad you're happy. The fact that you have someone in your life makes me happy for you. I knew it was only a matter of time before someone figured out how wonderful you were and held onto you. I hope he treats you well.
I figured if you had moved on, there's no reason for me to come home. I don't want to interfere. All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy. I always imagined that it would be me that made you happy, but since I'm not there it couldn't be.
I ran from you, Reagan. I was scared. The thought of ruining your life scared me. I wish I had been stronger. I wish I was stronger right now. If I were, I wouldn't have signed that contract. Instead, I would be on the next flight to New Haven. We would be together like we were meant to be.
You may not be mine anymore, but you will always own me. I love you, Reagan. I always will. Please do not ever doubt that.
Always in my heart,
Luke
November 15, 2008
Reagan,
Wow! Japan is a beautiful place. I'm starting a list of places that I want to take you. This is at the top of the list right now. I haven't made it off the base yet, but the view alone is worth seeing. Mount Fuji is miles away from us yet it looks so close. I should take a picture and send it to you. Maybe with the next letter.
I'm going to be over here for at least six months. We're in a safe area so you don't need to worry about me. I have no idea where they're sending me after this. There have been rumors, but nothing has been confirmed. I'll let you know if my next destination needs to be added to the list or if we can skip it.
Elliot and I had an actual conversation before I left the other day. We didn't argue at all. I think he was kissing my ass because I was leaving the country. I know he worries even if he won't say it. If the situation were reversed I would worry about him too. Do me a favor and pop up and see him if you get time. He sounds like me needs a friend.
My shift starts in ten minutes so I have to get going. Night watch. It's supposed to storm like crazy tonight so I hope they don't have me walking the perimeter. That would suck.
Always in my heart,
Luke
April 21, 2009
Reagan,
They're sending me to Germany for a month. Nothing to worry about over there right now so another safe destination. I'm actually excited about heading there. The weather here in Japan is awful. It seems like every time I'm on patrol it rains. Last time I could have sworn a typhoon blew through.
I wish I had the courage to send one of these letters. I want to know how you're doing. I've thought about asking Elliot, but I can't get up the courage. We've been getting along so well lately that I don't want to mess that up. I wish he understood.
I hope your well. I hope school is going well.
Always in my heart,
Luke
July 17, 2009
Reagan,
I knew they would eventually call my number. I don't want you to freak out, but they're sending us into the Middle East. I don't know where exactly. I do know it'll be dangerous. In case things don't turn out like I hope, I've written you a letter (not this one) that I carry with me. If something happens to me, you'll get that letter. I hope it never reaches you.
There are two things that you need to know in case something does happen and the letter doesn't reach you.
1. I love you. With all my heart. I always will. I carry you everywhere with me. I don't need a picture to remember the look on your face when I first kissed you. That memory is ingrained in my brain for life. It was the most remarkable expression I have ever seen. I put that look on your face.
2. That look... I plan on giving it to you again. I will come home, Reagan. I will do everything I can to hold on and come back to you. The next time I kiss you will not be like last time. Next time, I won't stop kissing you.
Remember that.
Always in my heart,
Luke
January 5, 2010
Reagan,
I'm home safe. I thought you might want to know. It was scary over there. There are no other word to describe it. Of all the places that I hope to show you one day, that is not one of them. When we do decide to travel together, we will be skipping the Middle East. You're going to have to trust me on this.
Next (Kiss Series Book 1) Page 16
