Casey

by Cameron James

  "It won't make me sad, not tonight." I said, he looked a little intrigued. "Well, I'm generally in a good place." I continued,

  "With just six days to go?" He asked then threw his handful of clothes into a wardrobe, before coming and sitting opposite me.

  "You're counting down?"

  "With you." He said then turned, pointing towards the scribble. "It's an important date." He said, making me smile and turn his head by his chin, wrap my arms around his shoulders and kiss him. "I take it I said something good then." He said, I laughed whilst running my hands down his chest, feeling him underneath me.

  He wasn't quite built like every male I'd ever seen in a glossy magazine. He was real. He was slim, but still had baby fat which made his chest to stomach look straighter from most angles. He didn't have the trademark 'V' from his pants to his stomach, he wasn't toned and his stomach wasn't hard. He had a light trail of brown hair leading from his belly button to below his waistline. He was fascinating me, he looked almost like me, which was partially the reason I couldn't drag my eyes away from him. "What are you looking for?" He whispered, I trailed my eyes up, until I met his then I shook my head.

  "I'm not looking." I said, whilst circling my fingers around his wrists and succeeding as he had very thin arms. "You're not toned." I said, he frowned then looked at me, probably figuring out that I wasn't disappointed when I said it.

  "Were you expecting toning?" He asked, I looked directly at him.

  "Do you have an image of a perfect guy?" I asked, he frowned, “and I don't mean in a gay way. I mean in a personal way."

  "Oh, you mean the kind of Hasselhoff effect. How every guy has to be toned and buff, golden and rock hard?"

  "Essentially." I replied, "but you, sat before me right now, you're perfect." I said then dropped my eyes, "like you're a perfect boy, that's what I see." I said, "but I had so much dysphoria for so long on my arms or my stomach, areas that are gender neutral because I thought my arms were too thin and my stomach too pudgy." I continued whilst keeping my fingers locked around his wrists. "But you've got thinner arms than me and your whole chest, stomach area looks like me and I think that's just fucked me over." I continued, he smiled.

  "Am I your perfect guy in a gay way too?" He asked, I laughed.

  "I vowed to never date a guy with a beard." I said then ran my fingers over his stubble.

  "Well, you're growing one too." He replied then stroked his thumb down my cheek, so I rubbed the back of my hand over my cheek, feeling the scratch against it, I couldn't resist smiling.

  "And you're too tall." I said, he laughed.

  "You realise how short you are, right?" He replied, I grinned slightly.

  "I was almost disappointed that my top surgery didn't give me a six pack." I said, he frowned, "I know, I'm an idiot. I'm so pleased with how it came out, it stopped my chest dysphoria, but then I hit my stomach and it just came back. I figured to pass as a guy I needed a flat chest, flat stomach and big bulge." I said then buried my head into his hand. "I was a massive idiot." I said then felt him kiss the back of my head.

  "So, what you're saying is, the image of big buff grr manly men, you've been fed isn't right." He said, I nodded slightly, wary of where his head was in relation to mine. "And it doesn't take that to look like a guy."

  "I guess." I said then lifted my head, "it's still a little hard to tell. I can't help the fact I want some parts of my body to look a particular way, but I guess I'll get there with them." I said then rubbed my chin with the back of his hand. "Okay." I said then kissed his knuckles. "I'm going to even the playing field." I said, he frowned, but not too harshly, it was as if he was curious to what I meant. "And before you ask, yes I'm sure. I'll be okay." I said then moved back from him slightly, so I could kneel up, I lifted my pyjama top in one swift movement to remove it over my head.

  "Casey." He said a little breathlessly, so I actually looked at him and smiled, which made him smile back, "I don't know what you were worried about." He said, I circled my arms over his shoulders, "you look one hundred percent guy to me." He added, I smiled, leaning my head on his.

  "They did a good job." I said quietly then ran my hand down his chest.

  "Can I touch you? Are you happy for me to touch you?" He said, I nodded and almost instantly melted into the warmth of his hands on my back.

  "Am I what you were expecting?" I queried as he ran his hands over my back, spreading the warmth.

  "No." He said, almost warily, "the way you talked about it, made me think that you weren't perfect too. And well, never have I been more wrong." He said, tilting his head slightly, I kissed him again, just longer and harder. Whilst also letting him guide me back onto his bed, us both sinking into the mattress, whilst wrapping ourselves up in each other.

  I shouted a hello as I ran into my house then locked myself away in my bedroom, turning my laptop on just in time to catch George’s video call.

  “Hello!” I said, he laughed.

  “Did you forget?”

  “No.” I said quickly, it amused him. “I’ve only just gotten home, I overslept. Interesting night.”

  “Oh?” He said.

  “I didn’t get drunk.” I said quickly, “it was a better interesting, an interesting I remember.”

  “You obviously want to share it?” He said, I smiled, I suppose it was a good thing that my therapist could read my mind.

  “Well, I spent the night with my boyfriend.” I said then blushed. “It was pleasant, but anyway, he came in before bed topless,” I said then nodded slightly, getting one back, “and I looked at him, I figured he looked perfect.” I said, “like, he’s a perfect boy, a proper boy. He just has no six pack and a smaller bulge than me.” I said, he hid his laugh with a cough. “Then I figured that he looked like me, not perfect. I don’t think I’m perfect, but he looked like I did, at least how my chest did. So, I showed him my chest.” I said, then met George’s eyes, he was smiling and looking impressed all in one.

  “That is a massive step.” He said, I agreed, it was, I won’t even let my parents see my chest.

  “I felt safe, sane and comfortable. So, I let him see, he told me that he didn’t know what I was worried about.” I said. “Then we kissed a little.” I added, he smiled. “Can I ask you a question?” I asked, he nodded, I knew I could ask him a question, it was about fifty percent the point of him. “It’s about sex.” I continued.

  “Right? Have you?”

  “No, no, no I have not. As if George.” I said, he actually allowed himself to laugh. “I don’t even know how I’d do it; I don’t know how to do it at all.”

  “You can have sex without breaching your underwear area.” He said, I frowned at him, “you can. Some people feel that kissing is like sex.” He said, I smirked, “I’m going to guess and say you don’t.” He said, so I laughed.

  “No, I no I don’t.” I said, he nodded.

  “Oral counts too.”

  “Done that.” I murmured, he raised an eyebrow, “I don’t know.” I said.

  “Casey, at this point, one week away from surgery, I will recommend, as your therapist, you wait, you get yourself used to your new body part, then you think about using it like that.”

  “That’s fair.” I said nodding.

  “Pre-surgery nerves?” He asked, I nodded taking a deep breath before telling him about them.

  Dad knocked on my wall, so I looked up at him as he came into my room, I’d sat myself on my bed, various books surrounding me, my folder open right in front of me and my exercise book on my knees. I’d gotten myself so lost in revision I’d obviously missed the call for tea.

  “Don’t cram.” He said, I shrugged whilst closing my folder and rubbing my eyes.

  “Last exam.” I said, he nodded and came to sit on my bed, reading the cover of one of my revision books.

  “Okay that’s fine. But Casey, how likely is it you’ll go into business?” He asked, I looked at him, “truly?” He added, I sighed.

  “Slim.” I rep
lied, he hummed lightly. “I don’t want to do business.” I said thoughtfully.

  “What do you want to do?” He asked, I shook my head softly.

  “I… I’ve never thought about it.”

  “Why not?” He asked.

  “I didn’t think I’d get this far.” I replied, he swallowed roughly, I looked away. “Honestly.”

  “So think about it now,” He said, I hummed, “what do you like doing? Mum said you wanted to delay going to university.”

  “Well yeah, it feels a bit redundant to go and study something I’m not passionate about.”

  “That makes a lot of sense.” He said, “you’re not scared of moving out?”

  “No, no definitely not.” I said, he nodded.

  “We’ll have a think about what you want to do, Mum’s right though you will need to get a job.” He said, I sighed. “It’s a tough life son.” He said, “I’m off this week, so I’m putting a ban on revision.” He said, I shook my head.

  “You can’t.”

  “I can, and I will because you’ve just told me you’re not going to go into business, so because to me and I presume to you, your surgery is far more important. I’m putting a ban on revision.”

  “Fine.” I said, he nodded, “enjoy your last week of moving around for a while.” He said, “and think about what you want to do Casey.” He said then stood and went to walk away.

  “Was tea the reason you came to find me?”

  “No.” He said, I smiled, “but, it will be ready soon, okay?”

  “Thanks.” I said nodding as he left my room.

  I decided to go and see Mr Elliot as I was on revision lock down. He seemed quite happy to see me after I’d knocked and waited for him to allow me entry. He made me a coffee then came to sit opposite me.

  “I thought you’d like to know.” He began, I nodded, “we found out who started the rumour about you.” He said, I took a long sip out of my coffee.

  “Okay?” I said.

  “They have been punished.” He said, I nodded, “my word they were punished, obviously it doesn’t condone what happened and it obviously isn’t acceptable that you’ve not been in school for the past few weeks because of it, but it’s always a plus side to know they got caught and punished.”

  “It is I must admit.” I said.

  “Are you okay?” He asked, I nodded softly.

  “Yeah, I think I am. I’m a bit wobbly but I think that’s just nerves.”

  “That’s understandable.” He said, I nodded.

  “When did you know you wanted to be a teacher?” I asked, he frowned.

  “What?”

  “When did you know?”

  “When I came out.” He said, I frowned, “I was fourteen and obviously it was far less accepted then, but I remember thinking it’d be great if there was a teacher who got it, who I could speak to.” He said, “then I actually thought about it, I was in Scotland.” He said.

  “You’re Scottish?” I replied, he nodded amused,

  “I moved here to go to University, to study to become a teacher, the first time I ran a lesson it clicked and I knew it was exactly what I wanted to do. It helped of course that I met my husband through university.” He said.

  “I suppose that does help yes.” I agreed.

  “Struggling to figure out what you want to do?” He asked, I nodded, “my friend, also a teacher.” He said, I looked at him, “didn’t figure out he wanted to be a teacher until he’d done an acting diploma in college.”

  “So?” I asked.

  “So you’ve got time to worry about that. I was lucky, I knew what I wanted to do and I like to think I’m good at it.” he said, I nodded in agreement. “Most don’t, my friend’s an acting teacher, my husband is a substitute teacher.”

  “Do you know anyone who isn’t a teacher?” I queried, he laughed.

  “Not too many people.” He admitted, “but that’s not the point.” He added, I smiled.

  “My best friend wants to be a Vet, Mickey wants to be mathematician, Morgan wants to go into business. I feel a bit…” I said then sighed.

  “Haven’t you thought about it? At all.”

  “No.” I said then sighed, “I genuinely took it one day at a time, a year at a time, when I was eleven, I was like, my aim is to be twelve.” I sighed, “I genuinely didn’t think I was going to make it this far.”

  He reached for my hand, resting his on mine.

  “What did you want to be when you were younger?” he asked, I hummed.

  “When I was very little, I wanted to work in a library.” I said, “I loved books when I was very young because I could read a book about a boy going on adventures and whilst I was reading it I was that boy.” I said.

  “You can get a librarian degree.” He said.

  “You can what?”

  “You can, or you could work in a bookstore? Although few and far between.” He said, I nodded back to him. “You could do anything Casey.”

  “Even though I’m trans?”

  “I think, because you are.” He said, I shook my head, “one thing I’d say about you,” He said, I tilted my head, “you were lucky to know so young. I think it about myself sometimes, I was lucky to know I was gay at fourteen, you were lucky you knew you were a boy when you were a child. So you’ve done all the big scary things that any others will be going through now.” He said, I began nodding. “Now you can focus on what you want to do.”

  “What did my English teacher say?” I asked, he frowned, “Mrs Baxter, did she say anything about my English?”

  “Not to me.” He replied, “but I know you were an exceptional student regardless.” He said, I took a deep breath.

  “Where would I go for a librarian degree?” I asked, Mr Elliot smiled at me then stood and went to his computer, asking me to follow him, so I stood over his shoulder to see what he was typing.

  ⚫⚫⚫

  The group insisted on seeing me before I went into hospital, Kieran told me where to meet them, so I went.

  “Where are you going?” Mum asked as I touched the door, I spun around to look at her.

  “The group. They want to see me.” I said, she nodded to me.

  “You’re going out a lot Casey.”

  “I have friends.” I replied, trying to make it sound as if I wasn’t being cheeky, because I hadn’t been. “I have Mickey and Morgan, but they’re not who I’m seeing tonight, there’s Kieran and Riley, they’re boyfriends, Jesse and Ashley, them too actually, Luke, Kaiden and Milo.” I said then coughed. “Oh my God.”

  “Casey.” She said.

  “I have nine friends. Here.” I said, “I didn’t even realise, but I have… friends.” I said, “oh my God.”

  “Do you want a lift?” She asked, I began nodding very quickly.

  “I need one.” I said, “How did that happen?”

  “You let it.” She said, as she picked up her keys. “It’s amazing what happened when you let it.” She said then smiled, I smiled back and followed her to the car.

  Kieran had invited me to a bar, a very quiet, what I presume gay bar on Stanley Street, as Mum had pulled up, she had pointed out the rainbow on the road sign then kicked me out of the car. I walked down and found the bar he’d told me about, going in and smiling very slightly when I found them, they were all sat on the set of couches, Jesse, Ashley and Luke on one three seater, Kaiden and Milo on the other, Kieran and Riley were sat on the two seater between them.

  “Is the only formation you can sit in, a circle?” I asked as I approached, they all instantly began laughing as I sat between Kaiden and Milo.

  “How are we feeling?” Milo asked, nudging his knee against mine.

  “I’m a nervous wreck.” I said, “all week I’ve felt like jelly.” I said, Milo squeezed my knee.

  “Drink?” Kieran asked, I nodded.

  “Yes. Please. A beer.” I said, he smiled at me before going to the bar.

  “Don’t worry it’s normal.” Kaiden said, I looked at him. �
��Perfectly normal to be jelly before it. I was in hospital at this point, I was in for about three days before the surgery and I think that scared me more.”

  “I get that.” Milo said, “I had my surgery in London, Avory and I stayed in a hotel the week before. We went to the West End, shopping, the London Eye, you know all the tourist stuff because he said he wanted to keep my mind off it, and it worked. I didn’t really feel nervous until the nurse came in and told me we were getting going.” He said, I laughed.

  “I wish I was more confident about it but I was talking to Aoife and she got it, I presume you’ll get it. I’m worried about turning up and getting oh sorry wrong date or sorry your name’s not on this list.” I said.

  “That is my biggest fear.” Jesse said as Kieran passed my pint over, I nodded a thanks to him as I sat a little more forward to talk to Jesse. “I think, I want bottom so bad, I think my therapist knows this, I want bottom surgery so badly but then I think, what if it just gets cancelled.”

  “I’ve been through that.” Riley said, we all looked at him. “A month or so before my top surgery, I got a letter telling me it wasn’t going to happen and I was heartbroken.” He said.

  “Oh I can imagine.” Milo said, Riley nodded.

  “It got rescheduled, I got it done the September after, by chance almost, there was an opening. My therapist and Doctor Knight got me in.”

  “Doctor Knight.” Ashley said affectionately, Kaiden agreed beside me.

  “But I didn’t get excited, not at all, I kept thinking what if it doesn’t happen again.”

  “But it did.” Kieran said, Riley nodded.

  “Aoife got it?” Kaiden said, I looked at him.

  “Of course she did, she’s been on the waiting lists for ages but then she’s scared of it going wrong. It’s like this oxymoron of a feeling.”

  “It’s terrifyingly exciting.” Kaiden said, I nodded.

  “Yes! It’s terrifyingly exciting.” I said then took a gulp out of the pint.

  “Can we possibly not talk about trans stuff for a little while?” Ashley asked, I nodded, as Kieran did.

  “Yeah, let’s talk about the fact you’re going to train to be a nurse.” Kieran said.