Vampire Campfire

by Clare Kauter

  “You know I’m a cop, right Derik?” I said through gritted teeth, trying to ignore the metal and stone burning into my chest. “If you don’t help me I could make things very difficult for you.”

  He smirked. “Go ahead.”

  For once, my better judgment kicked in. I took a deep breath and, clenching my teeth, walked away from the bar. Henry and Ravi followed me as I walked out onto the street to calm down.

  “Why don’t you pull some of the same shit you whipped out at Zoom?” Ravi asked. “Beat them up!”

  “I don’t imagine these guys are going to be quite as easily intimidated as a bunch of light dwellers, somehow,” I said. If I tried to attack one of these guys, their friends and enemies alike would jump into the fray and as strong as I was, I wasn’t confident that I’d come out on top. A plan was forming in my mind, but I suspected it was going to be one Henry wasn’t so keen on.

  “Well what then?” Ravi asked.

  I slid my eyes over to Henry. “I might need to call in a friend,” I said.

  Henry shook his head vehemently. “No. Nope. No way. I will not condone calling him in to –”

  “Him?” What was he… My eyes widened as I realised that he thought I was talking about Ed. Then I shuddered at the memory of him in bed with the demon girl.

  “Wow, a shudder? He must have left a good impression last time you saw him.”

  “I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to shake it from my mind,” I said. “But I’m not talking about – our informant. I don’t know that he’d be too much help in this situation.”

  “Then who?”

  I looked up at the sky. “Are you there?” I called.

  “Of course, darling,” came a voice from above. Ravi’s eyeballs just about popped out of his skull.

  “Fancy a drink?” I asked. “My shout.”

  She laughed quietly. “Certainly, darling. It’s been too long.”

  There was a flash and crack and from a rather dramatic cloud of red smoke out stepped Satan. She shook her head and her hair swirled about her shoulders like she was in an ad for shampoo. She was wearing ten inch high custom stilettos in black satin and a matching black dress with a low neck and a high hem. It hugged her frame and showed off her perfectly toned legs and arms – she kept in shape by spending a couple of hours torturing souls of a morning. Her lipstick was a dark red and when she grinned her teeth were perfectly white.

  “Oh hell,” Ravi breathed. “What have I gotten myself into?”

  “Dude, you’re already dead,” I said. “How much worse could things get?”

  Chapter 14

  Satan looked me up and down, pursing her lips slightly at the sight of my police issue robes.

  “Still playing police officer, darling?” She shook her head at me. “You show so much potential and yet…”

  I frowned. “Potential for what?”

  “She roughed up a witch earlier,” said Ravi. “Strangled her until she turned blue.”

  Satan’s face filled with pride. “My Nessa did that?” she asked with glee, eyes filled with hope.

  “That’s an exaggeration,” I said.

  “Not much of an exaggeration,” Henry muttered. He’d suddenly gone very quiet, as he often did when Satan was around. He was scared of her, although she’d decided she didn’t mind him too much when he moved to Hell for a month and drank his way around town. She liked anyone who dropped money at Hell’s local businesses.

  “Henry, darling,” said Satan. He seemed surprised by the affectionate nickname. “Are you planning on moving back to Hell any time soon? We’ve missed you.”

  “I’m afraid I’m back on the wagon,” he said with a polite smile. I’m sure if Satan had seemed annoyed by his words he would have hurriedly fallen back off the wagon just to keep her happy. Henry was used to me (sort of), but like most creatures of the light he still found Satan a little scary. Hell, most creatures of the night found her scary. That’s why she was here.

  “So I ended up with someone who beats information out of people and an alcoholic detective on my case?” said Ravi. “That sounds like the start of a hit TV series.”

  “I’d watch that,” said Satan. “Maybe my production company could start working on it… It would have to be set in Hell, of course.”

  “Oh, that would take it to a whole new level,” said Ravi, apparently a lot less freaked out by Satan than he had been a moment before.

  Satan gave him a big smile. “You know, ghost, I quite like you. I hope you’ll make the right choice for the afterlife.”

  “OK, this isn’t a recruitment or production meeting,” I said. “We’re trying to find out who killed Ravi. He was here before he died, but no one in that pub will talk to us because we’re cops.”

  “I seem to remember teaching you that same thing – not to associate with police,” said Satan. “Nothing good ever comes from tangling with the law.”

  “As though the law could touch you.”

  She smiled. “I suppose it could try.”

  “Will you help us?” I asked.

  “Of course I will, darling – just as long as this nice gentleman considers moving to the Underworld when his business here on earth has concluded.”

  We all turned to Ravi. “Ah, well – I – the option is definitely under consideration.”

  “Good,” said Satan, her voice smooth and somehow sounding like melted chocolate. (I know, I don’t get it either and I was there.) “Well, then I guess we should head inside.”

  Satan strode towards the door, the ground sparking each time her sharp heels hit the concrete. I followed close behind. As she approached the door, it opened without her having to touch it. This time when we entered the building everyone fell silent immediately and stayed that way.

  “Mind if I get a drink for myself and my friends, Derik?” I said. “Satan has had a long trip, and she looks really thirsty.”

  “A trip I wouldn’t have had to make if you hadn’t been so rude to my friend here,” Satan added, her eyes changing from a reddish-brown to a deep red. Derik gulped.

  “So rude,” I said. “It would have hurt my feelings if I had any.”

  Henry looked between Satan and I, trying to fight back a smile. The look in his eyes made it clear he was impressed. I was unsurprised – it was a well-rehearsed scheme. Satan and I had performed this same tag-team routine a couple of times before. Sometimes she’d genuinely had to save me from bar fights, and other times she’d sent me in as bait so she’d have an excuse to come in and get angry and we’d get free drinks. After all, she was Lucifer herself – did you expect her to actually pay for her own beverages?

  Derik didn’t answer. He simply stared at Satan, wide-eyed, and gulped.

  “Now, this soul is mine,” she said, gesturing to Ravi, who looked a little surprised by this announcement. Luckily he knew better than to correct her. “But he can’t come home with me until all this murder business is wrapped up here on earth. My friend Nessa is supposed to be helping me out with this, but you seem to have a problem with that, so I’d suggest whatever your issue is, you bring it up with me.”

  Derik remained silent. Satan slowly turned her head from side to side, scanning the entire room. Everyone present squirmed uncomfortably under her gaze, but no one spoke.

  “What, nobody’s got anything to say?” Satan asked. “Fine. How about you just answer the questions my friend came here to ask you, and then I can head back home.” She flicked her eyes back to Derik. “After you fix me that drink, of course.”

  “Of course! On the house. W–what can I get you, Your Highness?”

  “A scotch and dry,” I replied. Henry smiled at me answering to the ‘Your Highness’ that was clearly meant for the devil. “Satan will have a whiskey, neat.”

  “The expensive stuff,” said Satan. “I wouldn’t suggest trying to cheap out on me.”

  Derik nodded and picked up a bottle of whiskey, his hands shaking violently as he poured.

  “And
Henry will have a Cosmo.”

  “Henry will not,” said Henry. He turned to me. “I can’t drink. You know how I get.”

  “Bearable?” Satan suggested.

  “What would you prefer?” I asked.

  “A cup of tea.”

  “Tea for Henry.”

  “We don’t do tea,” said Derik.

  “Well, you’d better start,” I growled. Derik looked equal parts bewildered and terrified. Once we had our drinks – me and Satan with what we ordered, Henry with a pint glass filled with hot water and what appeared to be eucalyptus leaves and grass clippings scavenged off the ground in the beer garden – we got to questioning the witnesses. First up was Derik.

  “Yes, I saw Ravi here that night. He was trying to score a vial of something. I don’t know what.”

  “And?” I asked.

  “And it got busy. He left at some point and I guessed he’d found what he came in for.”

  “Did he leave with anyone?”

  “I didn’t see,” he said. “Like I said, it got busy.”

  “Did you see him talking to anyone in particular?”

  Derik shifted slightly and swallowed, looking uncomfortable.

  “Really, Derik?” I said. “Are you actually considering lying to us right now? Because I wouldn’t suggest it. I already nearly murdered someone today, and I don’t have a lot of patience left.”

  “Plus we’re here with Satan,” Ravi added. “Don’t think it’s a fight you’re going to win, dude.”

  Derik sighed. “Fine.” He pointed to a goblin across the bar. “Your boy was talking to Gneegal over there.”

  Nursing our drinks, we crossed the bar to the table where Gneegal was sitting, playing cards with a couple of gorks who disappeared the second they noticed us approaching. The goblin’s skin had a slight greenish tinge and his pointed ears and nose were filled with metal piercings. His jacket was made of a dark leather that I had no desire to know the origin of. He crossed his arms and slumped back in his seat when we joined him at the table, trying to look calm but clearly nervous about Satan’s presence.

  “Got something to tell us?” I asked.

  Gneegal sighed. “I didn’t sell your boy nothing,” he said.

  I raised my eyebrows. “That the best you can do?”

  “He wanted to buy a vial of something something – which I never carry or sell, of course.”

  “Of course,” said Henry flatly.

  “But obviously I didn’t have what he was looking for, and he went on his merry way.”

  “I left?” Ravi asked.

  “No, my boy,” Gneegal replied. He nodded towards the bar. “You headed over there and propped up the bar all night.”

  That might explain the memory loss.

  “Did you see him talking to anyone else?” Henry asked. “Maybe he approached someone looking for a potion.”

  Gneegal shrugged. “Saw him talking to a little lady later. Seemed a lot happier after that, so I guess she gave him something he liked.”

  “Don’t say ‘little lady’, you disgusting piece of foot fungus,” Satan snarled at him.

  “My apologies, Your Highness. Or should I say Your Lowness?”

  Satan frowned for a moment, thinking. “I actually quite like that,” she concluded.

  “This woman,” I said, bringing the conversation back on track. “What was she?”

  “Damn fine is what she was,” Gneegal replied with a lecherous grin.

  “I’m warning you, goblin,” said Satan. “Objectification of women is something I will not stand for.”

  “My apologies, Majesty,” Gneegal said quickly.

  “Was she a goblin?” I asked. “I’m assuming she wasn’t a werewolf, since you said she was attractive.”

  “Oi!” cried a wolf sitting at the next table.

  “Because he’s a goblin and he hates weres, not because all wolves are – oh, why am I bothering?” I turned back to Gneegal.

  “Human, so far as I could tell. Didn’t get a sense of her energy,” he said. “She was dressed all in black, down to her lipstick. Black hair, nails, dress and boots. Except her skin. It was white as this here werewolf tooth hanging around my neck, what I stole off Dave’s Granny’s corpse.” Gneegal grinned nastily, showing off his pointed shark-like teeth.

  “Oi!” cried the same werewolf from before. I was guessing he was Dave.

  “Could she have been a vampire?” I asked. “You said she was pale. Like, a bloodless kind of pale?”

  “Maybe. I just kind of assumed she was a dark witch.”

  I frowned and glanced at Henry, who also seemed concerned. “There aren’t any dark covens around here,” I said.

  “What, you’re trying to tell me your coven is all peaches and cream?” Gneegal said. “If you’re trying to hide the fact that you are whatever you are by joining that coven, it’s not working. Little tip for the future: stop hanging out with Satan.”

  I didn’t even see her move. One second the devil was on one side of the table and the next she was on the other, her hand tightening around Gneegal’s neck. “You have a problem with me, goblin?”

  Henry’s eyes bulged as he squeaked, “I think he just meant that you don’t befriend a lot of light dwellers. I don’t think he was criticising her choice of friends.”

  Gneegal gurgled his agreement and after thinking for a moment, Satan let him go. “Fine,” she said. “I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, just this once.” She moved back to her seat.

  “I think… I think I’m starting to remember,” Ravi said. “Just snippets. I sort of remember the girl’s face.”

  “Could you describe her to a sketch artist?” I asked excitedly.

  Ravi scrunched up his face and shook his head. “It’s not that clear yet.”

  I sighed. “Never mind. I don’t actually know any sketch artists anyway.” I turned back to Gneegal, who was rubbing his neck and swallowing to check his throat was still working.

  “Did you happen to overhear their conversation?” I asked.

  He shook his head. “Nope, but after your boy spoke to her, he seemed to get a lot happier very quickly. They left not long after that.”

  “They left together?” Henry asked.

  Gneegal nodded, and Ravi began to nod slowly as well. “Yeah, I think I remember where we went.”

  We all turned to him and waited expectantly. He looked around at us. “Should we head there?”

  “Lead the way.”

  Chapter 15

  Ravi led us out of the pub. The moment we were out on the street, Satan turned to the rest of us.

  “Well, these shoes were not made for walking, so I’ll bid you adieu. I’m sure you’ll be fine on your own from here.”

  “Got something better to do?” I asked.

  “Yes. A meeting with my TV producer about my new cooking show.”

  “That sounds fabulous!” said Ravi.

  I frowned at Satan. “You don’t cook,” I said. “You have a personal chef. Have you talked to Giorgio about this idea?”

  “So I’ll learn to cook,” she said, waving her hand dismissively. “It can’t be that hard if humans can do it. Besides, I do know how to cook some things. I’m very good at roasting the eternally damned over hellfire until they’re nice and crispy. I’ve perfected the skill over the millennia.”

  I swallowed. Sometimes I forgot that Satan was totally insane. Her mention of the ‘eternally damned’ had turned my stomach. If I was King of the Damned, was I their king? Was I meant to be with Satan or against her? Was that why I couldn’t find any information in the library – because she didn’t want me to know? Had Death told her that I knew who I was? Oh hell.

  I smiled despite my inner panic. “OK. Cool. You should be great at making crispy roast potatoes, then.”

  She grinned. “Exactly,” she replied. “Goodnight, my dear. Looking forward to seeing you again soon, Ravi. And Henry, I do hope you take up alcoholism again. It was a good look on you.”


  And with that, she disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

  I was quiet as we followed Ravi out of town, lost in my thoughts. I needed to speak to Death again, no matter how annoyed I was with him. He had answers. And if that failed, I needed to try the library again. The bookshop had been a bust, and I didn’t want to get sprung looking there again. Hell’s library was safer. Plus I’d found information about the king there once before – there had to be more.

  “We need to talk,” Henry said quietly as we walked behind Ravi. We were far enough away that he couldn’t hear us speak.

  “About what?”

  He gave me a look of disbelief. “Really? You don’t know?”

  I sighed. “That witch had it coming.”

  “Nessa…”

  “Henry.”

  “I’m not questioning whether you were justified in what you did,” said Henry. “I’m questioning whether you were in control of your actions.”

  My jaw clenched. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  He hesitated before answering. “I think… I think you’re slipping.”

  “Are you trying to convince me I’m crazy, Henry?” I asked, raising my eyebrows. “Payback, is that it?”

  He shook his head. “No, because I’m not lying. I’m worried about you.”

  “You don’t have to worry about me. I wasn’t going to kill her.”

  “You’re just – you attacked that witch with no provocation. You could have killed her, even if you didn’t mean to. You’re not behaving like yourself.”

  My eyes narrowed. “Really, Henry? I’m not behaving like myself? Maybe that’s because I don’t have any idea who ‘myself’ is!”

  “Nessa…”

  “I don’t have parents, Henry. Satan’s the closest thing I have to family, so I apologise if I seem a little messed up!” I snapped. (Quietly, so that Ravi didn’t overhear us. I whisper-snapped. What can I say? I’m a young whisper-snapper.) “I thought with this whole King of the Damned thing I’d finally found out who I was, but everyone seems pretty determined to keep the details of that from me as well! What am I meant to do, Henry? I don’t know what I am! I need to know where I belong!”