St. Elias

by Meris Lee

  Elias already guessed the story wasn’t going to end well, but she was still jolted to hear Mr. Mason reveal such a sad loss.

  “I was devastated,” Mr. Mason continued. “My wife blamed me. I blamed myself, too. I was a terrible father all of my daughter’s life, right up to the end. I couldn’t go back to work. Of course, the news hit the public, and suddenly I was the center of celebrity gossip. Demonstrators protested outside my restaurants. I didn’t have the heart to face any of it. My wife left me, and I sold my restaurants for cheap. And I asked myself, what did I work for all of my life?” Mr. Mason turned to look at Elias. “So, when I see you working here with your talent instead of fighting to be the head chef in a top-notch restaurant, I think to myself, maybe young Elias has got it all figured out.”

  “Got what figured out?”

  “That life is short, and money and prestige aren’t the most important things in the world,” said Mr. Mason. “That living in the present and cultivating relationships with people you care about are far more worthwhile endeavors, that being close to Mother Earth is good for grounding materialistic desires and reminding you the little that you absolutely need to live on and the rich inner joy you will gain by giving up all the extra stuff that doesn’t matter in the end.”

  “Uh…” Elias muttered. She was impressed by Mr. Mason’s impassioned speech, but no, she hadn’t gotten that part figured out. She did not have the luxury of thinking about life’s greater questions as presented by Mr. Mason, but she was inspired and thought what Mr. Mason just said to be good guiding principles. In fact, it justified her actions now. She was living in the present since she had a past she could not share with anyone and a future she had no certainty about. Cultivating relationships and being close to Mother Earth sounded appealing to her.

  “Where are you headed at the end of summer?” Mr. Mason asked.

  “No clue.” Elias shrugged. Kennecott and McCarthy would shut down shortly after Katy and Andy’s wedding in early September. Katy and Andy would be returning to their ancestral village up north, but Elias had no excuse to follow them there. Could she find work elsewhere without proper identification? She’d rather not think about it right now.

  “Try Wyoming or Colorado. The ski resorts will be hiring.” Mr. Mason finished his tea. “So, how are you getting on with the good ranger?”

  Elias looked up at Mr. Mason, surprised to be asked about Sam.

  “He came to ask you to go to a ranger program the other day, but you turned him down.”

  “He didn’t come to ask me specifically,” said Elias, feeling her cheeks warm. “He came in to ask everyone in the hotel.”

  “He came for you. I can tell. You left with that medic from Glennallen instead. He didn’t turn out to be too much fun, did he?”

  “How did you know?”

  “I’ve been around this area almost a decade now. I know the people in these parts.”

  “Anyway, a friend of mine is in love with the ranger,” said Elias.

  “And you’re not?”

  Elias did not expect such a direct question from Mr. Mason, and so she was speechless. Was she in love with Sam? She didn’t know. What were the symptoms of being in love?

  “Like I said, life is short. Don’t waste it. Don’t have regrets. The season is half over, and you may not see each other again.”

  “I can always come back next summer.” If she didn’t get hauled back to prison in Texas, that was.

  “But the good ranger might not be here. He could be working in another park. He could be married. He could be dead—”

  “Mr. Mason,” Elias exclaimed. “That’s too much. Don’t curse him.”

  “So, you do care about him.”

  “Like a friend.”

  “All right. I’ve said all I could. Go. Help your friend marry the good ranger.”

  Elias shook her head. “Good night, Mr. Mason.”

  Chapter Twenty

  It took Elias a little over an hour to walk back to McCarthy from Kennecott, but there was still some daylight as she approached Katy’s cabin close to eleven o’clock in the evening. Andy was sitting on the porch, holding a can of beer. Billy’s funeral was the day before, and she had seen him, with dark glasses on, busily directing the florist, the musicians, the speakers, the guests, and the funeral home employees, without stopping to have a conversation with anyone. He had to be hurting, thought Elias, but he was keeping it all to himself.

  Elias sat down next to Andy. “Waiting for Katy?”

  “She’s hard to find these days,” said Andy, disgruntled. “Doing double shifts like she does, she might as well live on that shuttle van.”

  “She’s saving up for the wedding.”

  “Yes, the wedding.” Andy raised his beer in salute and then took a sip.

  Sensing that Andy might be struggling with money and his cousin Billy’s death, Elias asked, with some hesitation, “How are you?”

  “Can’t complain. Still alive, aren’t I?”

  “How do you feel with your cousin Billy and everything…”

  “His wife decided to move to Anchorage with the kids. I’ll be helping them pack this weekend.”

  Elias shook her head, knowing Andy didn’t want to talk about his feelings. Perhaps it was too painful, and so she didn’t push it. “Is Sam going to give you a hand?”

  “Sam’s in Atlanta. He’s been gone a week.”

  “He has? Is he coming back?” Did he quit his job? Was she going to see him again? Elias felt like her heart had dropped to her feet as she held her breath.

  “He’s on vacation. He’ll be back soon.”

  Elias let out a long breath of relief, and Andy peered at her with curiosity in his eyes. “What’s with you?”

  “Nothing,” she said, feeling embarrassed. “I’m asking for Gina. She likes him.”

  “Speaking of Gina, where’s she been?”

  “She said she had to go and do something important. That was a week ago.” Elias’s eyes widened as if she suddenly realized something. “Could Sam be on a vacation with her?”

  “No way. She’s not his type.”

  “What’s his type?” Elias said, and she almost just as quickly regretted asking because she was mortified that Andy might figure out how she felt about Sam.

  “Someone like you, actually.”

  “Me?” Elias felt her heart beat faster.

  “You don’t do anything with your hair. You don’t wear makeup. You wear practical clothes. In other words, you’re down to earth.”

  “Plain, you mean.”

  “That’s your definition. I like a down-to-earth kind of woman.”

  “And Sam does, too?”

  “He’s my best buddy, and so I figure we have the same taste.”

  “So, you don’t know his type. You’re just guessing.”

  “It’s a good guess.”

  “Well, I think he could like Gina,” said Elias, swallowing hard, her heart rate slowing down. “They’ll make a wonderful couple.”

  “What’s your definition of a wonderful couple?”

  “A couple like you and Katy, of course.”

  “I’d like to think we’re a wonderful couple. She used to be down to earth, but she’s changed so much that I’m not sure I’m still the man for her anymore.”

  “Of course, you are. Why would she work so hard to save up money to marry you if she didn’t think you were still the man for her?”

  “She’s working hard to pay for her dream wedding. We could be married tomorrow in a courthouse in Anchorage if marrying me were all she cared about.”

  “Well…she…” Elias stumbled to find the right words to respond. “Don’t you want a nice wedding, too?”

  “Of course, I do, but that’s not my point. I feel she is putting the value of the wedding above the value of our relationship. I feel she’s a completely different person now than the girl I fell in love with. She’s become so—so materialistic. Like yesterday, she didn’t like the tuxedo I cho
se, saying it looked too cheap.”

  “She’s not materialistic.”

  “I just hope it’s a phase all brides-to-be go through, and I will get my old Katy back after the wedding.”

  “What if you don’t?” Elias asked for argument’s sake, not that she thought Katy was materialistic as Andy suggested.

  “Then I’ll love her still and hope forever I’m good enough for her.”

  “Wow, you’re a romantic,” said Elias. “Oh, look. Katy’s back.”

  Katy pulled up on her ATV. Andy stood up and said, “Did you forget we were bringing dinner to Billy’s wife and checking on Becky? Didn’t you agree last night not to take on a second shift today so you could come home early?”

  “Two people called in, and I had to take that second shift,” said Katy, getting off her ATV. “You could’ve gone on your own.”

  “I did, but it’d be nice to know when you changed your plan.”

  “My phone died.”

  “So, you think it’s okay to just stand your fiancé up and let him worry for hours?”

  “Come on,” said Katy. “You didn’t think something bad could’ve happened to me?”

  “I didn’t think something bad could’ve happened to Billy, either.”

  “Something bad didn’t happen to Billy,” Katy said sharply. “He did something bad.”

  “How could you say that? Billy’s dead!”

  “And whose fault was that? He killed himself,” Katy fired back.

  Elias tried to calm her friends down, but she couldn’t get a word in. Andy crushed the empty beer can in his fist and threw it on the ground. “Do you have no heart? My family is your family.”

  “We’ll see about that.” Katy stormed into her cabin and banged the door shut behind her.

  “Andy…” Elias wanted to say something.

  But Andy was already on his ATV, and he sped away with an angry rumble. Elias went in the cabin, too, and found Katy crying in the kitchen.

  “I don’t know what’s gotten into me,” said Katy. “I don’t like the way I am right now. I’m so angry, and so mean.”

  “You’re stressed out with the wedding.”

  “I am stressed out, but also, I’m not sure I want to marry Andy anymore.”

  “What?” Elias didn’t want Andy’s suspicion to be right.

  “I’m not the person I used to be. I want to go out in the world and make something of myself. I don’t know if I want to stay in these mountains for the rest of my life. I want to go to college. I want to be a doctor. I want to make a difference. I feel like I have so much to give, and I’m suffocating here. Do you understand?”

  “I—”

  “I still love Andy, and I used to think I could give up all my dreams just to be with him. But now I’m thinking, why shouldn’t I put myself first?”

  “I suppose you need to figure out what’s more important for you—your relationship with Andy or your dreams of being a doctor?”

  “Why can’t I have both?”

  Elias didn’t have an answer for that. Relationships seemed so complicated. Love wasn’t enough for Katy and Andy. Money and personal aspirations seemed to be in the way. But those weren’t issues for Shuping and Chen Guo, and yet they didn’t seem satisfied, either.

  As if she read Elias’s mind, Katy said, “Shuping and Chen Guo might be working out their issues after all. I’m glad they found a way.”

  “What? The trial marriage?” said Elias. Shuping was spending a few days at the Kennecott Hotel, trying to see if she could get along with Chen Guo.

  “I don’t see how anyone could know if they’re making the right decision by just spending a few days together,” said Katy.

  “Andy said they’ll just have to believe in each other and have faith.”

  Katy shook her head and turned her face away. Was love the result of logical reasoning, or an arbitrary state of mind when two people happened to be in the mood to put trust in each other and hope it would last? Elias again was puzzled. As a child, love was Helen coddling her when she was scared of the shadows at night, it was Helen waving at her at an award assembly at school, and it was Helen tearfully struggling to hold on to her hand when she was being dragged away to prison. Logically, Elias should’ve stayed in Texas, at Helen’s side, doing everything she could to reciprocate Helen’s love. But somehow, Elias obeyed her state of mind that one day a few weeks back to skip town, to go as far away as possible for freedom. But how could she be free, when deep in her heart she was tied to Helen, forever and ever, because she loved her, and at this moment wanted nothing more than to be coddled by her once again?

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Almost another week passed by, and neither Gina nor Sam had returned. On a warm and sunny Saturday when McCarthy was lively with visitors from nearby cities like Anchorage and distant countries like Israel, Elias went for her weekend shopping at the general store and listened to the varied accents of strangers’ chatters.

  Shuping had just finished helping a customer check out when she said, “Why do people always ask me where I’m from. Do I not look like an American?”

  “You’re not an American,” said Elias.

  “They don’t know that,” said Shuping. “I could’ve been born here. My grandparents could’ve been born here. They never ask my Russian coworker Nikolay here where he’s from.” She pointed to the other clerk, a tall blond with an aquiline nose and blue eyes.

  “They do ask me,” said Nikolay.

  “Only if you open your mouth,” said Shuping. “Here I am speaking with a perfect accent, and I get all the questions.”

  “You’re speaking with a British accent,” said Nikolay.

  “So? It’s perfect British accent,” Shuping shot back. “But they ask me before I even say anything. Wait.” She stared at the items Elias laid out on the counter. “You’re buying lipsticks and mascara? And shaving cream?”

  Elias’s cheeks warmed. “I-I just—what’s so strange about them?”

  “I’ve known you a month and never seen you use these things,” said Shuping. “You got a boyfriend?”

  “What? No. Of course not.”

  “Well.” Shuping bagged up Elias’s purchases. “Then this is a good start.”

  Elias shook her head and took the bag from Shuping’s hand. She didn’t know why she was struck by the impulse to buy those things, either. She was thinking of Sam when she browsed the aisle of soap and shampoo, and somehow, she reached for the shaving cream, the kind Dr. Thomas mentioned, dye free, fragrance-free, with vitamin E. And somehow, other cosmetics also made their way into her basket.

  “I have an announcement,” said Shuping. “I’m going to marry Chen Guo.”

  “You are?” exclaimed Elias. Although she had been cheering them on, it was still a shock to hear the news.

  “He’s not too terrible to look at.”

  “Not too terrible?”

  “And he’s sincere, and I’m kind of in love with him.”

  “Kind of?”

  “Okay, fine.” Shuping blushed. “I’m very much in love with him. He turns out to have more depth and character than I gave him credit for. We’ve been in each other’s lives since we were kids, but I didn’t know him very well. No one speaks his mind where I’m from. That’s the problem. Now that we’re both here, we talk to each other like we never talked before, and it’s been exciting and…just lovely.”

  “I’m so thrilled for the both of you,” said Elias. “And trust me, envious, too.”

  “Well,” said Shuping. “I guess I must say my goodbye. Today’s my last day in McCarthy.”

  “Are you kidding me?” exclaimed Nikolay. “You’re supposed to be here until September.”

  “I know, Nikolay,” said Shuping. “I’ll miss you, too. They’ve hired a replacement, so you don’t have to worry about doing all the work by yourself.”

  Nikolay shook his head and went to attend to another customer. Elias couldn’t believe one of her new friends was already d
eparting. It was only July, and they’d just barely entered the second half of the summer season.

  “Chen Guo and I just decided on it last night. I said goodbye to Katy this morning when she dropped off tourists at the Kennecott Hotel. We’re leaving for Anchorage this afternoon.”

  “This afternoon? Why so soon?” asked Elias. “You aren’t going to wait for Gina to come back and say goodbye.”

  “Well, we didn’t want to wait. We couldn’t wait…” Shuping blushed, then said thoughtfully. “I’m sure I’ll see Gina again somehow though.”

  “You mean you’ll see her when you come back for Katy’s wedding in September?” said Elias. “No one knows where she is. I hope she’s okay. I don’t know if she’s coming back here at all.”

  “Don’t worry. Gina can take care of herself,” said Shuping, and Elias felt as if Shuping knew something but didn’t want to tell her. “Why don’t you give me your permanent address so we can keep in touch? I can ship our famous smoked fish to you.”

  Permanent address? Should she provide Helen’s or the prison’s? She had lived in each address equally long. Maybe neither, since she wasn’t sure where she was going to next.

  “Elias? I’m talking to you,” said Shuping.

  “I’m kind of in between places right now,” said Elias.

  “Just remember to let me know where you move to from here.” Shuping handed a grocery bag to Elias and gave her a hug. They said goodbye to each other.

  Elias left the general store feeling a little lost and empty. She remembered having a new group of friends every year in school, but she had them for a year at a time, and she had Ce’Rainitee for years until that fateful day. Now that she considered it, perhaps the length of time friends spent together physically wasn’t as important as keeping the connection spiritually, knowing somewhere in the world someone might be thinking of her and wishing her well sometimes. But how long would Katy, Gina, and Shuping remember her? Elias couldn’t answer for them, but she knew she would be thinking of them for years to come, and that alone was a warm and fuzzy feeling enough to let her feel a little less lost and a little less empty. Yet again, she wondered if Ce’Rainitee still thought of her. At that moment, she felt she could completely forgive her childhood friend for seventeen years of absence if indeed she was on her mind, even if it were just once in a long while.