Barely Breathing

by Brenda Rothert

  I couldn’t help the single note of laughter that escaped my lips. “Did you remember it the next day?”

  “Vaguely. I have no memory of picking the design out. I think the guy at the shop had my back on that, ‘cause it could’ve gone really fuckin’ bad.”

  I held his gaze for a few seconds as a warm, heady sensation washed over me. When I was with Kane, I felt a kind of magic I’d never experienced. Seeing his lighter, almost playful side made me feel special to him. And I couldn’t get enough of that feeling.

  “Are you coming in tonight? Back at my place?” I asked hopefully.

  He smiled. “You want me to?”

  “Yes.”

  Our server approached and set down a huge round metal pan of pizza between us. Our eyes stayed locked on each other until she was gone.

  “We could always eat this in the car on the way,” he said.

  “I like that idea.”

  He gestured to our server.

  “Everything okay?” she asked, her brow furrowed as she surveyed the uneaten pizza.

  “It’s great,” Kane said, his eyes still on mine. “Just a carryout box and our check, please.”

  The box of pizza sat unopened on the seat between us as Len drove us back to my place. I felt its warmth beneath my hand as Kane traced my knuckles with his large fingertips.

  He grunted a quick goodbye to Len as we got out of the car at my place.

  “Goodnight, Len,” I said. He smiled and offered me a thumbs up.

  We’d barely gotten through the door when I dropped my purse on a table and turned to Kane. He set the pizza box next to my purse and reached out toward my cheek, cupping it in his palm.

  When he bent his face to mine and kissed me softly, I wrapped my arms around his neck, melting against his solid chest. His fingertips edged up the bottom of my shirt, skimming across my bare skin. I inhaled sharply and eased him toward the couch.

  He got the message, bending and picking me up effortlessly. His big palms squeezed my bottom as he carried me to the couch and set me down. I laid back, moaning softly as he leaned over me and then covered my body with his, his lips returning to mine for a deeper, more insistent kiss.

  “Viv,” he said in a low tone against my mouth. “You make it really fucking hard to be a gentleman.”

  I arched my back and wrapped a leg around his hip, humming a moan against his lips. “You were a gentleman last time. That’s good enough.”

  He buried his face in my neck, the soft scruff of his beard brushing over my skin sending a shiver through me. It never seemed to stop; the touch of his lips and tongue to my neck sent fresh shivers down my spine. There was another one when he squeezed my ass and I felt his thick erection pressing against my core.

  I pulled his shirt loose from his pants in the back and slid my palm beneath it, needing to feel his warm skin and taut muscles. He stiffened and pulled back, looking down at me with a mix of arousal and confusion.

  “Fuck.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  He ran a hand over his short black hair and sat on the edge of the couch, shoulders slumped.

  Still breathing hard, I put my fingertips on my lips, feeling the tingle of his rough kiss and the smooth scratch of his beard. Silence hung thick in the air until finally, he spoke.

  “You don’t want me, Viv. I’m not a good guy.”

  I wrapped my arms around myself. “I do, though. I thought we both wanted it.”

  He turned his dark gaze on me. “Hell yeah I want it. What man doesn’t want to make a good girl be bad?”

  “So, then?”

  Shaking his head, he turned away. “It’s not right. You’re a good person, Viv. You’re the kind of person who helps people up when they’re down. I’m the guy who kicks ‘em in the first place.”

  “No, you’re not.”

  “You don’t know me,” he said sharply. “A couple dates isn’t enough to see what kind of person I am. Don’t be so naïve.”

  I drew back slightly at his harsh words. “You’re the kind of person who saved me from being raped.”

  “That’s what this is about, isn’t it?” He sprang to his feet. “You think I’m some sort of white fuckin’ knight, when really I’m just a guy who doesn’t allow shit at his club.”

  “You would’ve stepped in wherever you saw that happening.”

  He shrugged. “Maybe not.”

  “You tell yourself that, Kane, even though it’s bullshit.” I smoothed out my hair and tucked my legs beneath a blanket, suddenly self-conscious.

  “You just don’t seem to see me, Viv. Everyone else does, so why don’t you? I’m a criminal. An asshole. I’ve hurt people.”

  “I’ve hurt people, too. Haven’t we all?”

  He sighed heavily. “I don’t mean it like that. I’m talking about ruin. Taking things that are good and destroying them. That’s what I do. And I’m not doing it to you.”

  My heart skipped erratically. What was he saying?

  “Kane, I think you just need—”

  He cut me off with a murderous glare. “I need to stop pretending with these fancy clothes and dates with a goddamn lawyer.”

  I felt my expression crumbling. Maybe he was right. Maybe he was an asshole.

  “I like you. And I thought you liked me,” I said, hating the note of desperation in my tone.

  “I do. That’s why I’m leaving.”

  He didn’t even look back. He just opened the door, walked out and slammed it, leaving no doubt.

  I sat on my couch for a long time, staring into nothingness. I didn’t cry. The shock just left me numb, wondering how things had taken such a bad turn so quickly.

  Kane

  THE KITCHEN STAFF MOVED IN slow motion, laughing and talking as they rotated supplies in the walk-in fridge without the slightest sense of urgency. One guy whose name I could never remember was actually sitting down on an empty, upside-down crate.

  “Take your time, ladies,” I boomed from my viewpoint just outside the open door. “It’s not like we open in an hour and have a shitload of prep work to get done, right?”

  What’s his name sprang to his feet. “Sorry, Mr. Kane.”

  “You’re only sorry you got caught,” I growled. “I pay you above average wages and I expect above average work.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  The group of men worked double time now, silently stacking and organizing.

  “Fuckers,” I muttered as I walked away.

  To say I was in a bad mood was an epic understatement. I was seeking out employees whose asses I could chew. It was the only therapy I could find for my rage. I went to my office, closed the door and sat down in my desk chair, scrubbing my hands over my face. Being an asshole to everyone who had the misfortune of crossing paths with me wasn’t getting me anywhere. It’d been this way for almost two weeks now. Since the moment I’d walked out of Viv’s place after our second date.

  Now I was pissed off at the world and even more pissed off at myself. Why the fuck had I cockblocked myself like that? I wanted her in the worst way, and knowing she wanted me too and I’d turned her down filled me with anger that simmered on the edge of boiling at all times.

  And worse, I’d upset her. She was the first respectable woman to see me as all the man she needed. Not just a good fuck, but someone she actually wanted to be with. And I’d hurt her, walked out and never called.

  Classic Matthew Kane. Ruining things was what I did best.

  My gaze wandered to the photo of a beautiful, smiling little girl on top of a stack of paperwork on my desk. It had come in the mail yesterday and I’d spent so long just staring at it. She had my dark hair and eyes, but the rest of her was nothing like me. She was perfect.

  Seeing my biggest failure was too painful. I turned the photo over and returned it to the stack of paperwork.

  I’d been a fucking idiot to think I could ever change. Tailored shirts and fancy shoes couldn’t change who I was inside–a selfish, miserable fuck who laid was
te to goodness and beauty.

  A loud knock sounded on my door.

  “Hey Kane?” It was Felicia, one of the servers.

  “Get out.”

  “But—”

  “Get the fuck out,” I growled.

  She closed the door.

  I was in no state to be around people right now. Too fucking bad I couldn’t escape myself.

  Viv

  I was deep in thought when Marcus Anderson walked into my office. I unfurrowed my brow and returned his smile. At age thirty-six, he was the youngest partner at my firm. He was also very easy on the eyes, with a tall, athletic build and pale blue eyes with corners that crinkled with laugh lines when he smiled. Cara had been trying to land him for months, though I told her sleeping with a co-worker, and a partner at that, was not a good idea.

  “Viv, am I catching you at a bad time?” Marcus asked. “You look like you’re in the middle of a big decision.”

  I grinned sheepishly. “Sort of. I’m trying to decide if I want these boots in brown or black.”

  He laughed and I closed my laptop screen.

  “Come on in,” I said. “I’m done working for the day and was just winding down before I leave.”

  It was nearly seven PM, which was a respectable time to leave at our firm.

  “Do you have dinner plans?” Marcus asked.

  “Uh . . .”

  His smile widened. “I had a big case come in today and I’m going to need co-counsel. I wanted to discuss it with you.”

  “Me?” I pointed at myself. Lame. But I couldn’t help it. Never had a partner asked me to be co-counsel on a case.

  “Yes.”

  I put my hands in my lap to curtail any more pointing and cleared my throat.

  “Do you mean just discuss the case, or are you considering me as co-counsel? I mean, either way, of course I’m in.”

  “You as co-counsel. You’re doing a great job for us, Viv. I’d like to help you add a feather to your cap.”

  This was just the breakthrough I needed. I’d been wallowing in sadness for almost two weeks, trying not to think of Kane and failing most of the time. With every day that passed without a phone call from him, I sank further into the realization that it was over between us.

  “Thank you, Marcus.” I rose from my chair and walked to my coat rack, taking off my coat. “Discussing the case over dinner sounds great. We could try that new Japanese place Maggie mentioned the other day.”

  “Yeah, I was actually wanting to go to one of my favorite places. It’s a club, but they’ve got amazing food. And it doesn’t really gear up ‘til ten or so. Have you been to Six?”

  My stomach sank but I forced my expression to remain impassive.

  “I have.”

  “Great. Lemme grab my coat and we’ll go catch a cab.”

  He left my office and I cringed at the open doorway. Six was the only place in the entire city I didn’t want to set foot in. But I’d have to put on a brave face and do it anyway. Opportunities like this didn’t come along often.

  I smoothed the front of my dark gray suit and put my coat on. Maybe Kane wouldn’t be there tonight. Or maybe he wouldn’t see me if he was. It was all I could hope for, because if I saw him, I was afraid I’d lose it in front of the partner I was trying to impress.

  Marcus made small talk about football and the upcoming remodel of our office on the ride to the club. When the cab pulled up in front of the club, I eyed the long line skeptically.

  “Maybe we should go somewhere else,” I said, trying not to give away the relief I felt. I was most definitely not dropping Kane’s name this time.

  “Won’t be a problem,” Marcus said, passing some cash to the cab driver.

  I lingered an extra couple seconds in the cab. If Marcus could get past that line, he could probably get upstairs, too.

  The burly guy at the door cracked a small smile when he saw Marcus and clapped him on the shoulder. He stood aside and we walked in.

  I looked at the ground and let my hair swing down to cover my face as we were led to a two-person booth near the bar. Marcus helped me out of my coat and I set it beside me and climbed into the booth.

  He ordered a beer, I ordered a soda. As soon as our waitress had disappeared, Marcus grinned at me from across the table. He took a pen from his pocket and scrawled something on a napkin. When he slid it across the table, I glanced down at it.

  Henley Cartwright

  He was one of Hollywood’s hottest actors. Maybe twenty-five years old and loaded. He was married to one of Hollywood’s most beautiful actresses and they were considered one of the biggest power couples in the industry.

  “That’s our client,” Marcus said, pulling the napkin away and sliding it into an inner pocket of his suit coat.

  My eyes widened, but I said nothing. Our drinks were delivered and I took a sip before speaking.

  “He’s the petitioner, then?”

  “No, she is.”

  “Alright. So the news isn’t out yet, obviously.”

  Marcus nodded. “They both want everything settled and signed prior to their PR person making a statement. They’re both on location for work right now, so we’ve got about a month to get it done.”

  “Got it.”

  My gaze unconsciously wandered around the crowded club, searching for Kane. I missed his gruff voice and its undercurrent of tenderness when we were alone. I still saw the hunger swirling in his eyes that night at my apartment.

  And I was still thoroughly pissed off at him for leaving and not calling. Maybe he wasn’t so different from other men, after all.

  “Viv?”

  “Hmm?” I turned back to Marcus.

  “You looking for someone?”

  I sighed. “I don’t . . . uh . . . sorry. You were saying?”

  “How ‘bout a real drink and some food?” He reached into his leather satchel and pulled out a file. “We can start talking property disbursement and numbers.”

  “Sure.” I took a deep breath and pushed Kane from my mind. “About the food and the work, anyway. I don’t drink alcohol while I’m working.”

  “You will eventually.” Marcus tipped back his bottle of beer. “Give it a couple years.”

  I smiled weakly. “Yeah.”

  Kane had to be here. I could feel his presence in the club, warm and commanding. Sitting here was proving much harder than I’d expected.

  I took my dark rimmed reading glasses out of my bag and put them on, sending me into mental work mode. Marcus talked while I reviewed the paperwork and nibbled on raw veggies.

  “Four homes?” I glanced up from the page I was reading. “So they get two apiece?”

  “I don’t know.” Marcus shrugged. “They both want the L.A. place a lot.”

  The pull was too strong to resist. I had to at least see him, which I hoped to do without him seeing me.

  “I need to run to the bathroom,” I said, returning the paper to its file. “If the food comes, don’t wait for me to start eating.”

  Marcus nodded, his gaze scanning the club now, too. Was his mind also somewhere else?

  I headed toward the bathroom, waiting until I was past the crowd to change direction. The hallway where Kane’s office was located was empty. I walked to his door quickly, before I lost my nerve.

  It was closed. Was he inside? I pictured him in front of his massive wood desk, his brows drawn together in thought.

  I wanted to knock. I wanted to barge in, actually, and demand the answers to the questions that had been driving me crazy for two weeks. My hand went to the door, but instead of knocking I laid my palm flat against the dark wood.

  If he wanted to see me, he would’ve called. I knew that in my head, but my heart was a different story.

  I felt the warmth of a presence behind me and spun around. Kane’s dark, calculating eyes were locked on mine. His palms rested on the door now, one beside each of my shoulders, pinning me in.

  My heart pounded as his eyes bored into mine. He wore h
is trademark scowl and his beard looked a bit shorter. I wanted to reach out and touch him, but something kept me rooted in place. He was angry. At me.

  “Nice to see you, Viv,” he ground out. “Something I can do for you and your boyfriend?”

  “He’s not my boyfriend.”

  “Prospective boyfriend, then?”

  His bitter tone reignited my anger. “What do you care? You walked out and never called.”

  He leaned closer and I took in his smoky cedar scent. “I’m not right for you. But you didn’t need to come here and rub my fuckin’ face in it.”

  “Why? Why didn’t you at least call? I thought we had something good starting.”

  He dipped his head down and stared at the floor. My pulse raced from his nearness. If only he’d lift his face back up to mine so I could try to read what was in his dark chocolate eyes right now.

  “What are you doing with Marcus?” he demanded. “Are you dating him?”

  His voice held notes of both bitterness and hope. It told me more than words ever could have. This couldn’t be the end for us. He still felt something, too. I reached out and grabbed a fistful of his black t-shirt, pulling him toward me.

  “No,” I said softly. “This is a work meeting. He’s not the one I want . . . you are.”

  Kane raised his face back to mine and leaned all the way in, his forehead resting against mine. He pressed a knee to the door between my legs. I arched my back, closing the space between us.

  “Careful, Viv,” he said, his voice a low rumble of warning.

  “Or what?” My chest moved in and out against his.

  He wrapped an arm around my lower back, turning the door handle with his free hand. When the door was open, he pushed his body against mine and we both tumbled into the office. I stumbled but he tightened his hold on my back, keeping me upright.

  I held tight to his shirt as he kicked the door closed and picked me up, his big hands cradled around my backside. He put my back against the door and leaned in to me again.

  “Or you’ll see the side of me I’ve held back. The side that won’t stop like I did that night at your place.”