Confessions of a Muse

by Edeline Wrigh

“What are you doing in bed?” Lucy nearly yelled at me. “I thought you were going to the gods realm!”

  I blinked up at her, trying desperately to feel awake enough to handle this. “I did. How long have I been out?”

  “Oh. Sorry. Things have just been getting bad today. You’ve only been gone a few hours,” she hedged. “I, uh, figured out how to turn the men back to flesh and blood. I turned Ryan back and wiped his memory, but I still need to get Noah.”

  She wiped his memory? That was a skill I hadn’t known she had. I filed it away for future reference.

  “No. You’re fine. I get it. How bad?”

  “Don’t worry! They’re not terrible. Nothing I can’t keep a handle on tonight. I caused this mess, so I can start undoing it. You should rest. I’ll turn Noah back and try to track down... wait. Who are we tracking down?” She paused, her mind catching up with her mouth, finally realizing that there was a specific reason I’d gone to the other realm in the first place.

  She was an absolute darling, and I adored her.

  “Eris,” I told her.

  Her expression shifted suddenly when I said the name. She’d been enthusiastic, excited, even, initially. When the name left my mouth, however, she became almost somber.

  “Eris,” she repeated slowly. “Of course it’s Eris.”

  “Of course it’s Eris?” I asked. “You mean you’re familiar with her?”

  She shook her head. “No, I’m not. Or yes, I am? I don’t think I’ve met her. But I remember her. That doesn’t make any sense at all, does it?”

  “Yo. Lucy. Chill. I understand, I promise.” I tried to give her a reassuring smile. Whether it worked I’m not sure, but at least she seemed able to move on.

  “Sure. Anyway. Take some time to relax. I’ll come talk to you when it’s time.”

  “Oh, one last thing,” I told her as she motioned to leave.

  “Yes?”

  “Maybe try not to wipe people’s memories? I’m not sure if that will have any long-term side effects.”

  “But Selene,” she said, “if I don’t wipe Noah’s memory, he’ll figure out you’ve been lying.”

  I nodded. “Yeah,” I told her, “I know. But it was gonna come out at some point, anyway.”

  Withholding sex from Ryan was no longer in the cards. After he’d been turned to stone, then back to flesh and blood, then had his memory erased, I needed it. I needed the reminder he was back to being human, was safe, and would stay that way.

  So, I invited him back up to my fancy hotel suite, this time while wearing lacy lingerie to go with the stars and our sparkling champagne.

  “This time it’s a booty call. ;)” I wrote in my text message, then sat on the balcony, sipping bubbles until he responded. He did the sensible thing and didn’t respond to my text with anything other than to let me know he was on his way.

  I was still sipping wine when he arrived, slowly, letting the bubbles rest on the top of my throat before fully swallowing. Ryan let himself in, quietly enough I probably wouldn’t have noticed him had I not been an actual supernatural being, then came to the balcony.

  The sun was setting over the New York City skyline, individual lights slowly popping on, glittering yellows underneath the vibrant oranges, yellows, and pinks in the air. Ryan said nothing at first, just took a seat next to me, poured himself a drink, and watched too.

  “Long day?” I asked him finally. There was something on his mind, that much was clear, but I would not make assumptions.

  He shook his head. “I just think too much,” he said.

  “About?”

  He glanced at me, then took another drink and watched me for a moment longer before answering. “You,” he said.

  “That’s either worrying or exceptionally flattering,” I told him.

  He shrugged, the side of his mouth twisting into a smile. “Little bit of both, maybe.”

  I drained the rest of my champagne and moved to him, straddling him as he sat on his patio chair. It’s more difficult than it sounds, but I would do what I had to do. I let the front of my silk robe fall open to reveal my lace bodysuit to him, and his eyes roamed to my breasts before moving back up to look me in the eyes.

  “What have you been thinking?” I asked him, channeling the absolute picture of innocence. I don’t think he bought it, not exactly, but it definitely spurred him forward.

  His hands moved up my legs to caress my ass as we sat. It was like he was trying to avoid doing the thing he supposedly came here to do, and that worried me. Without the pretense of sex it’d have been one thing, but this? This was cause for concern.

  “You’re too good to be true,” he told me.

  “That’s very flattering,” I said, “but I wouldn’t say-”

  “You’re lying to me.” The statement hung in the air, flat. It was like everything froze for a moment: time, my heart, the very wind.

  He was right. I was lying to everyone. The problem wasn’t that he was wrong; it was that if a mortal had figured out I was lying, then my storytelling skills had failed at some point, which meant-

  “I don’t know what you’re lying about,” he said, “but there’s something.”

  Oh, boy.

  I wanted to tell him the truth, but the truth wasn’t something I thought he would believe. He thought I was magical, sure, too good to be true, perhaps, and in some ways he was right, but he couldn’t hope to understand the reality of the situation.

  He couldn’t hope to understand why I had lied to him unless he was prepared to believe in gods.

  I burst into tears. Genuine ones, for once. I tried to disentangle myself from his body, to stand and run away and hide, but his hands moved up to the small of my back, holding me to his lap. Holding me to him.

  “Look at me,” he told me, and when I did it took my breath away. “I ain’t mad at you for lying, but I need you to come clean. I need you to tell me everything.”

  I didn’t know where to start. But I knew what he wanted to hear.

  “I will,” I told him.

  “You will?”

  “Yes,” I said, “but you won’t believe me.”

  “Try me,” he said. It felt like he was reading from a script on how to be supportive, or how to build close relationships, and the only thing I could think about was how he was, truly, a good man. So, instead of answering right away as it seemed like he wanted me to, I sat on his lap, staring into his eyes, nearly sobbing.

  “Selene?” he asked after my face was thoroughly soaked. He was worried, that much was clear, but I still didn’t know where to begin, or how to explain that I wasn’t insane. I didn’t know how to tell him I was an actual fucking muse, and that the end of the world was coming because someone in the gods realm decided to fuck with the humans again.

  “No, no, I’m just-““

  “Selene, Jack just let himself into your hotel room.”

  Gods. Fucking. Damn it.

  “Selene, why haven’t you responded to my calls?” The lead singer of Chambered Lies nearly shouted as he walked around the living room area. I froze, looking upward through the sliding glass doors at his voice. I tried to disentangle myself from Ryan, but it was too late: he’d seen me.

  Which shouldn’t have been the end of the world, really, given that he himself had made it a point to dry hump an attractive woman in front of me not too long ago, but that I was on top of Ryan entirely for my own reasons probably made it more hurtful, not less.

  Damn.

  “You didn’t tell me you’d be having company,” he said.

  “Jack, Ryan. Ryan, Jack.” Jack was on the balcony now, and as I did introductions, he finally looked at my face.

  “Why are you crying? What did you do to her, Ryan?”

  “I didn’t do anything-”

  “For fuck’s sake, Jack, you were still being an asshole to me a week ago, you don’t get to try to protect me from my invited guests today.” I glared at him, then sighed. “Ryan didn’t do anything to me. He is an except
ionally good man and I adore him.”

  Jack chuckled. “I get it. Is he your boyfriend or something? Don’t want your one-night-stand to mess things up?”

  “I... I should go,” Ryan said, but he said it like a question and sought confirmation in my face instead of actually moving to leave.

  I shook my head. “No, no, stay. This was going to happen eventually.”

  “Is this what you were lying about?” Ryan asked me. “We’re not exclusive. You’re allowed to see other guys.”

  It was a clear out. I could just tell him yes, and we could move on and deal with it. No explaining that I had no idea where I came from or what my life had been like. No discussion of gorgons, or muses, of gods pulling strings to make humans do their bidding.

  But I wanted to tell the truth.

  So I did.

  “No,” I told him, “it’s not. Jack isn’t relevant to us.”

  “Well-” Jack started, and I put a hand over his mouth to make him shut up.

  “And us having sex once doesn’t make you my boyfriend, either,” I told him. “And neither does you falling in love with me. I gave you the option to take me on a date and you didn’t take it, so I don’t want to hear it.” I sighed. “Look, let’s make some tea. I have some explaining to do. And then you can do what you want with the truth.”

  I made them both promise not to say anything until I finished talking. I began talking by telling them they would not believe me, but that I needed them to listen and follow along as best they could anyway. I warned them it would be disjointed.

  They agreed.

  I went on at length about what it was like to wake up in an alley without knowing who I was, about how I had had to con others into giving me somewhere to stay. I was as honest as I could be about my shortcomings, about how I didn’t adhere to human morality. I explained I’d left unexpectedly to go to the gods realm, and what I’d seen there. I explained that my other lover—the other lover I had just told them both about—and Ryan had been turned to stone and in trying to turn them back to flesh and blood, I’d discovered that there was a goddess trying to destroy the world for fun.

  And, mostly, I focused on the fact that my intention has never been to hurt anyone.

  There were a million emotions that passed on their faces as I explained all of this. Mostly disbelief or pity by the time I’d ended; perhaps a mixture of both. But they listened and did not interrupt me, as requested, for which I was grateful.

  “So, questions?” I asked as I finished. Jack blinked at me silently, while Ryan just stared with his mouth open for a full ten seconds before remembering to shut it.

  “What the fuck?” Jack stared at me, tension building in his jaw. “What. The. Fuck?”

  I sighed and exchanged glances with Ryan, who just eyed me warily in return. I turned back to Jack. “Which part are you ‘what the fuck’-ing?”

  “All of it. Literally all of it.” He glared at me. “Here I was foolish enough to expect you to come clean with the truth about what you were playing at, and instead you make up some story about... what? Medusa?”

  “I barely mentioned Medusa, c’mon,” I retorted.

  He rolled his eyes. “That’s not the point. You’re just making stuff up and wasting our time. And you promised me you wouldn’t break my heart.” His lips went small and then he glanced at Ryan, as if suddenly remembering we weren’t alone.

  I sighed. “Well, I told you you wouldn’t believe me,” I said, “So I guess that much was right.”

  Someone knocked on the door. I turned, and it was already ajar. Excellent. This was great. “Hello?” I asked, trying not to sound annoyed at them.

  “Selene! So glad you’re here. I really need your help with tracking down this-”

  “Lucy, what a coincidence, I was just talking to my human friends-”

  “Oh, did you tell them?” She looked back and forth between them, making sure the beanie she wore was adequately covering all of her head. She’d made her face look a little more human, somehow, though I could easily tell it was still her, and even then, she didn’t make eye contact with anyone but me. I could see the men struggling to meet her eyes anyway.

  “I wouldn’t try too hard to look her in the eyes if I were you,” I told them.

  “Lucy, have you fixed Noah’s problem yet?”

  She nodded. “As he lives and breathes I have. I think he’s pissed at you though. Said something about ‘Selene should have warned me…’”

  “Yeah yeah, I know, tell everyone I’m kind of sort of seeing that there are supernatural creatures after me capable of turning men to stone. It’s going really well so far.” I sighed, glancing at Ryan and Jack, neither of whom would look at me.

  “Oh! That reminds me,” Lucy started, “Ryan, I wanted to apologize-”

  Ryan started laughing. “Wow, you put a lot of work into setting this up. This would be hilarious if it weren’t so heartbreaking.”

  The tears came back. “I would never put this much work into hurting anyone. And I meant what I said about adoring you earlier, too.”

  “Yeah, you adore that I’m such an easy mark, maybe. Holy fuck, Selene.”

  Jack chortled under his breath and exchanged a look with Ryan that looked almost like solidarity. That was something, at least?

  I sighed, then turned my attention to Lucy. “Well, at least it looks like these two won’t be putting themselves in danger by continuing to associate with me, so I guess telling them our secret really was the best course of action. Guess we can focus on taking down Eris.”

  She looked at me, then back at the guys, and then back at me. When her gaze returned to me, her human mask—what there had been of one, anyway—had faded entirely. Her eyes glowed with flames that shined on her blue and green scales, and what I saw in her expression terrified me.

  Pure rage.

  “If you want,” she started, “I can turn them to sssstone. Sssssee if they believe you then. It’ssss not like I don’t know how to turn them back now. I hear it’ssss an uncomfortable processssss, though, to sssssay the leassssst.” She reached for her hat, and it was clear the snakes under it were agitated; it gyrated with warning.

  I swallowed.

  I didn’t know I was capable of such fear. How I had come face to face with her ancestors was a complete mystery to me. I thought they had been cruel to me in the gods realm, but if the way her gaze made me feel now was any indication, if I had irritated them at all, I wouldn’t have ever made it back.

  I glanced at the men. Their faces were both entirely pale. It felt safe to go out on a limb and say they probably believed me now. “I... I don’t think that’s necessary.”

  She shrugged, immediately pulling her emotions back in. Her human disguise melded perfectly back into place. Her voice suddenly increased in pitch from the deep warning to the peppy girl she wanted to be. “Okay cool. But! Did you see that? I’m getting better at controlling my gorgon powers. It’s really exciting!”

  I started laughing. I couldn’t help it. “That was really good,” I told her. “I’m impressed.”

  She faked a curtsy, and it was so cute it was hard to imagine she had just gone full-monster before my eyes. I applauded her, laughing more, then gathered my breath and looked back at the guys.

  “Look, guys, you don’t have to stay. And you don’t have to believe us. But Lucy and I have to deal with something, and for once I’ve told you the truth, so I have nothing more to say.”

  “No... no, I believe you now,” Ryan said, hiding his face in his eyes.

  Jack just kind of nodded, staring into space.

  “What... what exactly did you do to them?” I tilted my head at Lucy. “They seem... not entirely okay.”

  “I made them feel despair,” Lucy said proudly, but her face fell slightly at my slack-jawed expression. “Only for a few moments!” she hastened to add, “They should be entirely over it in a few days.”

  “You made them feel enough despair in a few moments to last days?”
I glanced back at them, and yup, sure enough both of their bodies ran with the dark black sludge that’d been mixing with my silvery sparkles these days. “Well, neat,” I said, and her expression lifted again, “but please don’t do it again.”

  She nodded, “I won’t. But they were being mean to you.”

  “Okay, guys, look, I’m glad you believe me now. I’m sorry you’re upset. I promise the best way for me to help you is to focus on Eris, so I need you to either stick with me or go tend to yourselves at home for a day or two.”

  “I’m sorry, Selene,” Jack said, “you didn’t deserve-”

  “No ‘sorry’ necessary. It’s fine. Just decide what you want and let me know. And Lucy, you don’t need to glare at them like that, they really are allowed to leave, but thanks for having my back.”

  “What are friends for?” She shrugged and gave me a huge smile that was its own kind of scary, all things considered.

  “Man, I can’t say no to this,” Ryan said. “Helping you take down a goddess? Sounds like a once in a lifetime opportunity.”

  “It’d better be,” I mumbled. Lucy cracked a smile, but neither of the guys seemed to hear me.

  “Jack?” I asked, looking at him. “I assume you have shows or something? You’re allowed to say no.”

  “You don’t need me in your way, you mean.”

  “That’s not what I said. Stop putting words into my mouth.” I took a deep breath and approached him, squeezing Ryan’s shoulder on the way. Then I stared into Jack’s eyes, a mere foot away from him, as if daring him. To do what, I wasn’t sure. “Here’s the challenge, Jack,” I started, “You’ve told me how you feel about me. You know how I feel about you. I can’t be your perfect human girlfriend, and I come with literally out-of-this-world problems. The ball is in your court. You get to decide what you want, but you asked me not to break your heart, so do me the courtesy of not breaking mine by drawing this out longer than you need to.”

  His eyes went wide and his jaw fell open. He glanced at the other two people watching us, then shut it, swallowing, then looked back at me. “Selene...” he started, but went silent searching for words.

  I raised my eyebrows and said nothing, but stared for a long moment.