When Gayle hung up and looked at Auden with a stunned expression on her face, Auden almost did scream. "What? What did he say? What is it?"
"She checked out. A couple of hours ago."
"No. She wouldn't, not without—"
"Hang on," Thane muttered from across the room. "I've got an e-mail from Rune. From this afternoon."
Auden spun around to stare at her. "Read it...please."
"It's another Eros submission. Probably just something she's been meaning to se—"
"Read it, baby," Gayle said gently,
"Okay," Thane said slowly. "Come read it with me, then."
Auden and Gayle looked over Thane's shoulder as she opened the attachment.
Secret Passions - Final Scene
Time is so subjective, its measure totally dependent upon the means by which we mark its passage. When we follow the conventional milestones, meting out our lives with birthdays and graduations and anniversaries and funerals, we are left with voids along the way—vast stretches of empty space lost forever, never to be filled. As time grows short, the significance of each moment increases, until finally every heartbeat is of monumental importance. Or so it seems at first.
I have discovered, almost too late, that time is not just arbitrary, but of no great consequence after all. She has taught me that a touch is a lifetime, a kiss forever, and that our passion will transcend the limitations of fragile existence to span eternity.
I no longer worry about the beat of my heart—I need only the memory of her to live on. My soul, my very being, pulses with wonder at the places within me that she has filled, with gratitude for the wounds she has healed, and with everlasting devotion for the love she has given. In her arms, I found passion and peace and a place to rest.
No matter where I travel or what road I take to reach my destination, I will always have the comfort of her hand in mine and the soft whisper of her voice reminding me that I do not need to be afraid. This, this has always been my secret desire, and now I need search no further.
I am loved, and I am content.
***
Thane: Please see that Secret Passions is dedicated to Auden, with all my heart. Rune
Auden was shaking, tears streaming unheeded down her face.
Thane's voice was a hoarse whisper. "Will somebody please tell me what the hell is going on?"
"Hays and Auden are lovers," Gayle said gently, her arm around Auden's waist and her free hand on Thane's shoulder. "I forgot that you didn't know."
"I figured that out, love," Thane said softly. She looked up at Auden, wincing to see her undisguised anguish. "This message—how sick is she?"
"Very." Auden suddenly raced for the door. "She must have left me a note."
A few seconds later, she fumbled her key card into her door and rushed into her room. A folded sheet of notepaper lay just inside on the floor. With trembling hands, she reached for it.
Sweet Auden
I've/ never had ther words for what you mean to me.
There is one thing, though, that you should know.
I love you.
Hays
Auden spun around, the note held out in her trembling hand. "I have to find her."
Gayle took the note and stared at it for a long time. She thought of her oath, she thought of her best friend's agony, and she thought of a woman facing her greatest challenge alone. She thought, too, of one critical thing she had learned as a physician—love has the power to work miracles. She met Auden's frantic gaze.
"I know where she is."
Chapter Twenty-Nine
T hane insisted that Gayle and Auden hire a car to drive them back to Philadelphia, while she agreed, reluctantly, to stay in New York City at least through midday on Saturday. Auden wanted Liz Nixon and Thane, along with the other authors, to maintain Destiny's presence at the convention.
"All right," Thane muttered as she helped them carry luggage to the car, "but no one is going to be able to make up for Rune not being here."
Auden began to cry, and Gayle looked helplessly from her friend to her lover, who looked suddenly miserable,
"Jesus, I'm sorry, Auden," Thane said quickly. "So sorry. It's just... damn, I can't quite believe this is happening."
"I don't want to believe it either," Auden replied, angrily swiping at her tears. "But Gayle called the hospital, and Hays has been admitted. So now I don't have any choice but to believe it."
Gayle and Thane embraced, Thane kissed Auden's cheek, and the two friends were on their way home. Most of the ride passed in silence. A few miles from Philadelphia, Auden turned from the window and the night. "I can't believe she did this. I am so angry with her."
"You know why she left, don't you?" Gayle took Auden's hand, rubbed her thumb over the back. Her voice was gentle. "Aud?"
"I can guess some of it." Auden was having a hard time keeping her mind from fragmenting. In one instant she was angry, the next terrified, and the next panicked. Right now, Hays was somewhere alone—and in pain—and Auden wasn't with her. She'd begun the day in Hays's arms, and now she wasn't sure that she would ever touch her again. Stop. You don't even know what has happened. You won't be any good to her this way. She mustn't see you cry.
Auden closed her eyes and imagined Hays's face as she'd looked down on her at the instant of orgasm, tender and loving and strong. The anger slipped away. Auden met Gayle's anxious gaze, "She has never wanted me to be hurt because of her illness or to suffer through the trials of the treatment. If she's sick, really sick now, she'll want to spare me."
"Yes."
"She's wrong."
"Of course she is, and I'm not trying to defend her." Gayle slid closer, wrapping her arm aroundAuden's shoulders. "But she's probably as scared and confused as you are right now." Auden tensed and Gayle hugged her. "I'm sorry, honey—God, I—"
"No," Auden interrupted. "You're right. I'm sure she is frightened, which is why I need to be with her. She thinks she's protecting me, and when I'm not so furious with her, I love her for it."
"Auden," Gayle said seriously. "This could get rough."
"I already know she might die." Auden's strangled laughter was tinged with wild pain. "Anything worse than that you want to add?"
"Ah, fuck." Gayle squeezed the bridge of her nose and tried to sort out her desire to prepare Auden for what might be coming from her wish to protect her friend from as much pain as possible. "If she's doing what I suspect she's doing—"
"Getting the bone marrow transplant?"
Gayle nodded. "That's my guess. It's going to be dicey for a while—she could get...really sick."
"I know. She's told me." Auden felt steadier the longer they talked. It helped to deal with facts and not uncertain fears. "Do you think they'll start tonight?"
"I don't know—maybe. If she's..." Gayle stumbled for the right words. It was hard to keep her doctor shield in place. Auden was her family.
"Gayle, just talk doctor talk. I can take it. Please. Just tell me."
Gayle set her jaw. "If she's deteriorating, and she might be, since she was just treated a few weeks ago and is symptomatic again already, her doctors will jump on this. I imagine they'll start the chemotherapy as soon as they can."
"Will that make her sicker?"
"Not right away—maybe not at all. It depends on the regimen they're using to prepare her for the transplant"
"Will I be able to see her tonight?"
"I don't know. It sucks, Auden, but you're not legally Hays's family.'' Gayle balled her fists, because it killed her to say that, knowing that Auden probably meant more to Hays than anyone in the world. "I'm going to have to call her hematologist to clear it. I know him by sight, but he probably doesn't know me. I'll do what I can."
Auden thought for a moment, then dug in her briefcase for her phone. After a moment, she punched in a number and waited, holding her breath, "Abel? It's Auden Frost. Are you with her?" She expected him to hesitate or hedge, and his prompt reply surprised her.
"I just left the hospital," he answered with what almost sounded like relief. "Where are you?"
"On 1-95, about fifteen minutes from there. How is she?"
"Right now, all right. They're giving her some more blood."
His voice was eerily flat. It was frightening to hear Abel sound overwhelmed. "What about the transplant?"
"Christopher is catching the redeye from Los Angeles, and they've started the drugs. It could be as soon as tomorrow."
Auden gasped. "I need to see her tonight. Can you arrange that?"
"She didn't want you to know about this."
"I don't care, Abel. I...we're lovers and—"
"I know. And I'm glad."
Auden's voice grew stronger. "If there's some list of priority visitors or something, I want on it. I need to be able to see her."
"I'll make some calls."
"You have my cell phone number, in case...you need to reach me for any reason?"
"Yes."
"Thank you for this."
"No, Auden. Don't thank me. Just...please help her get through this."
"I will," she said softly. "Goodbye."
Gayle said, "We'll be there in another five minutes."
"Tell me what to expect,"
"If they're treating her on an investigational study, they'll be pretty strict about the protocols, even if all the precautions are not absolutely necessary. She might be in an isolation room already."
"Meaning?"
"Gowns, maybe gloves and masks—everything possible to keep her from getting infected while her immune system is knocked down from the chemo."
"Will I be able to touch her?"
"I'm not sure, And," Gayle said softly. It hurt so much to hear Auden's anguish, Gayle wondered if she was going to be able to stand this. She wished then that she'd asked Thane to come with them instead of encouraging her to remain at the convention. Suddenly, she longed for the solace of Thane's presence and understood poignantly how much Auden must want to be with Hays. "We'll find out soon. We're here."
While Gayle leaned forward to instruct the driver on where to wait for them, Auden glanced at her watch. Ten-thirty. She squared her shoulders and pushed open the car door. "Okay. Let's go."
Ten minutes later, they were standing at the nurse's station while Gayle spoke to the head nurse. "I'm Dr. Dunbar and this is Auden Frost. We'd like to see one of your patients—Haydon Palmer."
"Oh, the new admission,"
Auden hated the place for no good reason at all. The halls were clean, bright, and cheerily painted in pastel tones. And there was a nice big sign saying Oncology, and Hays was the "new admission." She wanted to find Hays and take her away. Take her home. She wanted to light the logs in the fireplace and hold her beneath the soft afghan that had sheltered them as they'd made love and make sure that nothing ever hurt her ever again. Auden bit her lip and closed her fists so tightly that her nails nearly pierced her palms.
"Yes," Gayle was saying. "I can call her attending if you li—"
"No, that won't be necessary. Dr. Rosenberg just this minute called and said it was fine that Ms. Frost see the patient at any time. Just be sure to follow the posted instructions. Room 651."
"Got it. Thanks."
Auden followed Gayle to the end of the hall where two rooms opened off a small anteroom with scrub sinks and cabinets which held cover gowns, shoe covers, disposable surgical gloves, and surgical masks, A prominent yellow sign stated Isolation above a list of rules. Both doors to the patient rooms were closed.
"Just put on those booties and a yellow gown," Gayle instructed. "Then take off any jewelry and scrub your hands in the sink with the surgical soap from the dispenser for two minutes."
"Good?" Auden asked when she'd finished.
"Yep. Fine. They're not requiring a mask or gloves, so you're set." Gayle gave Auden's arm a squeeze. "I'll wait out here."
Carefully, Auden opened the door and stepped into the patient room. There was a single bed lit by an overhead light fixture turned down to its lowest setting. "Hays?"
"You're unstoppable." She sounded weary but alert. "How did you find me so quickly?"
"I had help." Auden walked to the side of the bed. An IV pole stood on one side of the head of the bed, and blood flowed from a bag connected to an intravenous line that went into a vein in Hays's left arm. There was another intravenous line taped to her right arm, and clear fluids from several smaller intravenous bags were infusing into that one. "How do you feel?"
"Depends. How angry are you with me?"
Auden desperately wanted to touch her, but she wasn't certain it was safe. She curled her fingers around the steel railing that separated her from her lover. "Iasked you first."
Silence ensued, but Hays quickly relented. She was so very glad to see Auden that she couldn't bear to keep fighting her. "I had a monster headache a few hours ago, but the blood has helped a lot. I can't feel anything from the chemotherapy yet." She lifted her right hand and placed it over Auden's on the rail. "There's a good chance I'll be out of here in a day or two. I don't suppose I can talk you into leaving and then waiting for me to call you?"
"When will that be, do you think, when you would call?" Unable to stop herself, Auden entwined her fingers with Hays's. "Will it be when you come home in a day or two? Or will it be after all of the treatment is over? Or will it be in six months...or six years...when you've decided that it's safe for me to love you?"
"Oh, Auden," Hays sighed. "Can't you take the easy way out?"
"The only easy way is for me to be with you." Auden brushed her free hand through Hays's hair. "And to answer your question, I was really pissed at you for a while, but I'm mostly over it now. I only have to see you, and I forget how mad you make me."
"Thank God for that."
"I want to kiss you so badly. I hate not being able to touch you as much as I want."
For the first time, Hays smiled. "We made love last night and again this morning. I don't think there's anything remotely contagious about you, and if there were, I've already been exposed." She tugged on Auden's hand. "I would like it very much if you would kiss me."
Auden leaned over the rail and placed a soft, lingering kiss on Hays's mouth. "Will we have to stop this for a while?"
"I think kisses will still be allowed. Chances are I won't be much good for anything else in the beginning." Hays looked away. When she spoke again, her voice was low, tormented. "I'm so sorry about this. Jesus, you deserve so much more,"
"You know what almost broke my heart, Hays?" Auden asked softly.
Slowly, Hays turned her head back and met Auden's steady gaze. "What?"
"That you would leave me without saying goodbye."
Tears trembled on Hays's lashes. "I thought it would hurt you less than if something...something went wrong here."
"Well, you were mistaken. But I forgive you because I know you did it out of love." Auden caressed the top of Hays's hand with her fingers, wanting so much more but settling for this small contact, "I can wait to make love with you again, but I can't wait in limbo somewhere not knowing what's happening to you."
"I love you so much," Hays murmured. "I don't want anything to hurt you."
"One of these days, I want you to say I love you without sounding sorry." Auden gripped the rail tightly. "That's what I want,"
"Oh, sweet Auden." Tears trickled softly down Hays's cheeks, unheeded now, "I'm not sorry that I love you. I'm not sorry that you love me—never that—it's the most precious thing that's ever happened to me in my life."
"Then why are you so sad, sweetheart?"
"Because I want you to be happy."
Auden smiled, a sure, certain smile. "You, Haydon Palmer, have already made me the happiest woman in the world."
Hays brushed at the tears on her face and heaved a great sigh. "I believe I'm going to have to concede this argument. You're indefatigable."
"Thank you. It's about time you admitted that." Suddenly serious once again, Auden urged,
"Tell me what's going to happen in the next few days."
"Tomorrow morning I get a low dose of full-body radiation. Tomorrow afternoon or Sunday morning, I get the stem cell transplant from my brother."
Auden blinked. "So soon?"
"The sooner the better, apparently." Hays held Auden's gaze unflinchingly. "My counts are in the basement. Paul is worried that I won't bounce back again. He thinks we should push ahead before I get...too weak."
"I see." Auden's voice was a whisper. "Is Abel taking care of the arrangements for your brother?"
"All bases covered." Hays shifted restlessly under the thin hospital blanket.
"Does your brother know you're a lesbian?"
Hays nodded. "Yes. And I'll tell him about you tomorrow. You won't need to feel awkward with him."
"What do you intend to tell him?"
"That you're the love of my life."
"No wonder I fell in love with you." Auden smiled faintly. "You really are the most romantic woman on the planet."
"There's something you should know," Hays said quietly. "Abel has medical power of attorney for me and he knows my wishes. If anything happens, he'll take care of things with the doctors. You can trust him."
"Is there anything you want me to know? About that?" Auden's heart was in her throat. This was not a conversation she had expected to have at this point with the woman who had walked into her life and not only captured her heart, but also claimed her soul. Not now. Not yet. But here they were.
Hays shook her head. "I promised you I'd fight. I will, I swear. But if I can't anymore, then I want you to know..." Her voice broke. "Just know it's all right...to let go."
"I'm sorry," Auden whispered. Tears slowly trickled unchecked. "I swore I wouldn't do this."
"It's okay." Hays's voice was gentle, her fingers softly caressing Auden's arm. She was crying, too, but didn't notice. "You're perfect. You're everything. I love you."
"God," Auden gasped, fumbling with one hand to pull Kleenex from a dispenser on the bedside table. She could barely reach, but she wouldn't let go of Hays's hand. Finally, she managed it and wiped her eyes. "I adore you."
Radclyffe - Love's Masquerade Page 28
