Hays grinned. "You know, I look sicker than I am at the moment."
Auden smiled tremulously. "You can't be trying to seduce me."
"You can be pretty sure that's one thing I'll never stop doing."
"Well, I'll hold you to that. And just as a reminder..." Auden looked around the room. "Do you happen to have a pen and paper in here?"
"My briefcase is in the closet. Why?"
Reluctantly, Auden released Hays's hand, went to the closet, and pulled out the briefcase. In a second, she returned to the bedside with a pen and note card. She wrote for a moment, then asked, "Can you write?"
"Sure. But wha—"
"Sign this." Auden handed Hays the index card.
Hays read: I owe you — the next sunny day.
Laughing, she signed her name and handed it back. "Rain check?"
"Uh-huh, They're starting to add up, Palmer."
"You charging interest?"
Auden slid the card into her pocket, leaned over, and kissed Hays again. "Mmm. Two for one."
"I love you." Hays loved saying it.
"I love you." Auden forced herself to release Hays's hand. "What time is your treatment?"
"Nine."
With difficulty, Auden forced a smile. "You should get some rest. I'll come back in the morning."
Hays felt as if a huge lead weight had settled in her stomach. She wanted to beg Auden to stay. She wanted to climb out of the bed and go with her. She glanced up. The second unit of blood was almost in. She'd feel better now. They could go home, make love, wake up together. "Auden," she whispered. Don't leave me.
"I'll be here first thing." Auden's voice shook. She took a step backward in the direction of the door. I will not cry again.
"Okay. Sure." Hays tried out a smile. It wavered. "Is Gayle with you?"
"Right outside." Auden's heart was breaking. Hays looked so alone, and the thought of leaving her even for an hour was painful beyond imagination. She wouldn't even have considered going except that it seemed Hays needed to rest. "Try to sleep."
Hays nodded. "You rest, too, okay?"
Auden was almost at the door, but she wasn't certain she could go through. "I will. I love you."
'"Night," Hays called, her left hand wrapped tightly around the rail. As the door slowly swung closed, she shut her eyes, the better to remember Auden's face through the long night ahead.
Outside, Gayle pushed away from the wall where she had been leaning as she waited. "You okay?"
Auden shook her head, not trusting her voice, and leaned into Gayle for support.
"Okay, sweetie," Gayle said gently, threading her arm around Auden's waist. "Let's get you home."
Chapter Thirty
A uden and Gayle were halfway down to the lobby in the elevator before Auden spoke.
"I can't do this."
Gayle quickly hid her surprise. She hadn't expected this reaction from Auden, but she understood it. This kind of illness was hell on couples, even when they'd been together for years. Tenderly, she took her friend's hand.
"It's hard, honey, I know. You've had a lot thrown at you in a short time. First, you come out, then you discover that your new lover is terribly ill. No one would fault you for needing to step back."
Auden raised anguished eyes to Gayle's. "Step back?"
"Hays loves you—she'll understand. Take a few days off from work, maybe even get away for a little while—give yourself some time to absorb what's happened." Gayle's expression was compassionate. "I'll talk to Hays if you want and explain why you're not here. I know she'll be glad that you're taking care of yourself. She'll want that."
"You're the best friend I could ever have," Auden murmured.
"I love you," Gayle said softly as the elevator doors slid open on the first floor, and she walked out. She stopped, turned, and looked back in surprise at Auden, who was still in the elevator car. "Aud?"
"I can't leave her." Auden smiled faintly. "That's what I meant. I'm going back upstairs, and I'm staying with her until someone tells me it's not safe for her if I'm there. Otherwise, they'll need dynamite to get me away from her."
Gayle grinned, a wave of relief passing over her face. "Ah—all's right with the world again,"
"Yes," Auden agreed, feeling the pain in her heart lessen. "It is."
"You go back—I'll take care of getting your luggage home. Call and tell me if you need anything."
Auden held the door open with her hand. "Go back to New York. Spend the rest of the weekend with Thane."
"You sure?" Gayle asked dubiously, although her eyes lit up just thinking about her girlfriend.
"Yes, I'm sure. I'll be fine." Auden let the doors close as she said, "Go to her. Don't let this chance get away."
Once back on the oncology floor, Auden repeated the washing and gowning routine, then quietly opened Hays's door. If Hays was sleeping, she didn't want to wake her. There was no movement from the still figure in the bed. Stepping carefully, Auden lifted the one upholstered armchair and moved it closer to the bed.
Hays turned her head and opened her eyes. "Auden?"
"Hello, sweetheart."
"I'm so glad you're here," Hays whispered, raising a hand above the rail.
Throat tight, Auden touched her fingers to Hays's. "I need to be with you."
"I..." Hays's voice was thick with tears. "I need you so much."
"That's good, because..." Auden struggled with her own tears of fatigue and fear. "I love you."
"Did I fall asleep? It's not morning, is it?"
"No, honey. It's just before midnight." Auden shook the bedrail slightly. "Will you promise not to fall out if I put this thing down?"
Hays laughed weakly. "Promise."
Carefully, Auden lowered the rail on the right side of the bed and pulled her chair as close as she could. Hays edged to the side of the bed, and they linked hands below the intravenous line taped just above Hays's right wrist. Then Auden leaned down, stretched out an arm on the bed behind Hays's head, and snuggled her face close to Hays's on the pillow.
"Thank you for coming back." Hays's voice was worn thin with exhaustion.
"You never have to thank me for loving you," Auden said quietly before she kissed the corner of Hays's mouth. "I promise that you will always have the comfort of my hand in yours." She smoothed Hays's hair. "And that I will always be here so that you won't be afraid."
"Sweet Auden." Hays looked into Auden's eyes, soothed by the tender gaze. "I love you."
Very softly, Auden kissed her forehead. "And I love you...forever and always."
As Hays drifted off to sleep, she felt no fear.
Auden was awakened by a muted cough. She jumped slightly, turned her head, and almost cried out at the cramp in her shoulder. She'd finally fallen asleep curled up in the chair. Hays's hand was still in hers.
Rubbing her stiff muscles, she regarded the middle-aged man with dark curly hair and the bluest eyes she'd ever seen, who stood just inside the door. She glanced at Hays, who seemed to be still asleep. The fact that she hadn't yet awakened was unusual, and she was very pale, almost colorless. Heart twisting, Auden placed her hand protectively on Hays' shoulder as she looked questioningly at the newcomer.
"The nurses can move a lounge chair in here for you," he said quietly. "They have some sort of cot, too, if you'd rather."
"Will I be able to stay?"
"Unless she shows signs of infection or her white count drops dangerously low, yes." He stepped closer, and Auden saw that he carried a clipboard under his right arm. Flashes of navy blue chinos and hiking boots showed beneath the yellow gown, "I'm Paul Rosenberg, Hays's hematologist" He extended his hand.
"Hello. I'm Auden Frost, Hays's..." Auden glanced at Hays, wondering if there was one word to encompass everything that Hays meant to her. How is it that when it matters the most, words fail?
She met his gaze as she returned his handshake. "I'm her lover."
"Pleased to meet you."
Hays stirred,
moaned softly, and opened her eyes. Immediately, she looked for Auden, smiling in relief when she saw her. "Hi."
"Hi." Auden lifted Hays's hand and brushed it against her cheek before lightly kissing her fingertips. "How are you?"
"That's my question," Rosenberg said with affection as he stepped up to the bed. "Morning, Hays."
"Hi, Paul." Hays slowly pushed herself up and blinked several times. "Okay, let's see. My head feels a little fuzzy but no pain anywhere." She gave Rosenberg a hopeful glance. "Any chance we can hold off?"
"I'm afraid not." His eyes were soft with kindness, but his tone unyielding. "The red cell transfusion you got last night will mask your symptoms for a while, but the medications just aren't stimulating your bone marrow any longer. You need viable cells before a complication develops. You need the transplant now."
Hays's hand shook in Auden's, and Auden squeezed gently.
"Okay," Hays said steadily after a second. "Radiation this morning and then...?"
"We'll do the transplant later this afternoon. Your brother called me from the airport. I reviewed things with him, and he's ready to go. He'll be here by eleven so we can harvest his bone marrow and prepare the material for transplantation."
"Is it painful?" Auden asked, feeling as if she had sawdust in her throat. It's really going to happen,
Rosenberg turned to her. "Not really. Christopher will be sedated for the harvest, and his back will be a bit sore for a few days. Once the marrow is processed, Hays will get something that looks like a blood transfusion through the large vein in her neck."
"It'll be okay," Hays said reassuringly, having heard the infinitesimal tremor in Auden's voice.
Auden smiled at her. "I know." Then she fixed Rosenberg with a steady gaze. "And after that?"
"If there's no temp spike, which might indicate an acute transfusion reaction or some kind of infection, home tomorrow, two days of outpatient chemo, and then...we wait."
"For what?"
"Evidence of engraftment—uh, signs that the transplanted cells have survived—a rising white count, healthy cells on a blood smear, and eventually a bone marrow biopsy to check for repopulation of Hays's marrow with normal cells." He spoke matter-of-factly, watching both Hays and Auden as he spoke.
Hays laughed shortly. "Sounds simple enough."
"Sometimes it is." The doctor shrugged.
Auden asked, "When will we know?"
"Two to four weeks."
"So soon?" Hope resounded in Auden's voice, and she glanced quickly at Hays, whose expression was guarded.
Rosenberg continued, "For the initial take...success.,.of the graft, yes. Then, of course, we'll have to monitor for graft rejection or host reactions or a flare of the original disease."
Hays turned to Auden. "It will be months, maybe longer, before we really know anything."
"That's okay." Auden brushed her fingers lightly down Hays's arm, "I can handle the uncertainty, as long as I have you."
"Well," Rosenberg said briskly, "the nurses will be in shortly to get some blood for the baseline values, and then you'll go down for the radiation. I'll see you both later." With that, he left.
"Are you really feeling better?" Auden asked as soon as they were alone.
"Pretty much." Hays swung her legs over the side of the bed and sat up. "I'm tired as hell, but I'm used to that. Nothing hurts." She stood slowly. "I'd better get cleaned up."
Auden slipped her arm around Hays's waist. "Need help?"
"Can you help me get these IVs organized so I don't hang myself?"
"Sure." Auden transferred the remaining bags to a wheeled pole next to the bed. "Okay?"
Hays grabbed the pole with one hand and leaned to kiss Auden's cheek. "Yeah, thanks. I got it. You can shower in there if you want."
"Hmm." Auden stroked Hays's back as they made their way to the adjoining bathroom. "I guess you can't join me with those lines taped all over you, can you?"
"No," Hays said with a very healthy grin. "But I can watch."
Three hours later, Hays was back in bed, asleep, after having spent two hours in Radiology receiving a single dose of total-body radiation. While she'd been gone, Auden had taken a cab home, packed an overnight bag, and returned. She'd also picked up some work—final edits on Dark Passions, the next book she intended to publish. She sat in a chair by the bedside, the manuscript propped on her knee, a pen in one hand and the other resting on Hays's head.
The woman pushed the door all the way open and approached the bed. She looked down at her lover for a long time. The bleeding had stopped, leaving the sinewy planes of her perfect body obscured by fluid pooled in the injured tissue. She sank slowly down on the floor beside the bed, pushed her back up against the wall, and reached her hand up into the hair framing the beautiful face. She closed her eyes and gently let the strands fall through her fingers.
As she read, Auden fingered sweat-dampened locks, her breath stumbling on the jagged edge of pain. Images overlapped, fused, and re-emerged so much sharper as her hand moved over fragile flesh. The damage was so terrible, and now the anguish was palpable, so real—so close.
She thought about the satin-soft skin in the firelight and how it had glowed with perspiration as they made love. She thought about the sharply etched muscles in the sculpted back as she rose above her in ecstasy.
Gently, Auden...
...traced the fine planes of the striking face, remembering how her lover looked just before orgasm.
Her eyes blurred and she...
...sat still for a long time, listening to the quiet breathing.
The words disappeared as the...
...anger flooded her heart.
I will not let you go.
When the door opened, Auden looked up vaguely, still lost somewhere between Rune Dyre's fiction and Haydon Palmer's life. A man with Hays's obsidian eyes, dark hair silvered at the temples, and aristocratic features regarded her with interest.
"Ms. Frost?"
"Christopher?" Auden stood, glancing once at Hays, assuring herself that she was resting comfortably. She's not bleeding. She's safe here with me.
He nodded and beckoned with his head to the anteroom outside. Auden followed.
"I'm Auden," she said when they were alone. "You're probably wondering what I'm doing here."
"I hope you don't mind. Abel mentioned you when he picked me up at the airport," he said as they faced each other in the small space. "Things are moving so quickly, he was just trying to bring me up to date."
"He told you about Hays and me?"
"Yes. It's good to meet you." Christopher looked toward the closed door. "How is she?"
"Worn out, but otherwise all right. I'm so glad you were able to get here so quickly."
"I've been waiting—hoping—for the call. I'm glad it finally came." He smiled faintly. "We hardly knew each other when she was growing up. There are a lot of years between us, but she's my sister. Besides, someone has to keep Palmer Publishing going, and it's always been her baby."
Auden smiled. "Where's Abel?"
"Parking, I wanted to see Hays before the procedure. I only have a few minutes, but if she's asleep—"
"No, go in. I'm sure she wants to see you. And Christopher...thank you."
He met her eyes, and his held the same intensity she often saw in Hays's. "I'll do it a dozen times if we have to,"
"Let's hope that isn't necessary," Auden whispered as he disappeared into Hays's room.
Hays was sitting upright in bed, a new intravenous catheter taped to her chest, when Paul Rosenberg walked into her room five hours later. The large line ran into the subclavian vein just below her collarbone and from there, directly into her heart.
"You ready?" He held up a plastic bag filled with viscous red material.
Hays looked at Auden, and they both looked at him. "Yes," they said in unison.
He fussed with the line and the bags for a moment and then stepped back, observing the flow of harvested cells into Hays's blood
stream. "They'll float around for a while and eventually find their way into your bone marrow. Then they'll set up housekeeping and get busy reproducing. Smart little buggers."
"Let's hope so," Hays said fervently, watching the slow migration of life into her body. "How's Christopher?"
"Fine. He's sore but out of recovery already. Mr. Pritchard took him to your place."
"Good."
"I'll be back in a few hours to check on you," Rosenberg said as he left.
As soon as he was gone, Hays pushed to the far side of the bed and said to Auden, "Come lie here next to me."
Carefully, Auden settled beside Hays, taking her lover's hand and leaning her head on Hays' shoulder. "Can you feel anything at all?"
"I can feel you," Hays whispered into her hair, unexpectedly calm and content. "That's all I need to feel."
Auden turned her head and kissed the corner of Hays's mouth. " I can feel something."
"What?"
"The future."
"Are we together?" Hays's voice trembled.
"Oh, yes." Auden held her lover more tightly. "Forever and beyond."
Three weeks later, Auden steadfastly clung to that belief because she had no other choice, Hope seemed to be all there was left.
"I'm going to admit her for observation," Paul Rosenberg said quietly. A few feet away, an emergency room technician bent over Hays, drawing yet another blood sample. "She should be showing signs of repopulation by now."
"And she isn't?" Auden was amazed at how calm she sounded. Inside, she was screaming. Hays looked terrible. Her color was beyond pale now; her eyes, always so intense, were dim with pain and exhaustion. She'd lost weight in the weeks since the transplant, and, for the past twenty-four hours, had been too weak to leave the house. Now she had a fever, and Auden feared that an infection at this point might be more than Hays could fight.
"Not yet. The chemo and radiation have worked— her bone marrow has shut down, and her own counts are low. That's the good part. The problem is, Christopher's cells don't seem to be flourishing."
Radclyffe - Love's Masquerade Page 29
