Without a Word: How a Boy’s Unspoken Love Changed Everything

by Jill Kelly

  Jim had also agreed to marriage counseling. We’d been having valuable sessions with our pastor, Rich George. Counseling had begun to help us in so many ways. We really needed it. Jim and I had no idea how to communicate, much less deal with deep, hurtful issues in our relationship.

  I was convinced we would get a divorce after Hunter’s death. Hunter had been the glue that kept our family together.

  I had been so focused on taking care of him that I didn’t have time to concern myself with what Jim was doing. And what was worse, I didn’t even care.

  Our priorities had also been polar opposites. Mine was home. Jim’s was everywhere but home… physically and mentally. From the moment we were told that Hunter was going to die, we dealt with everything completely differently. Though we never talked about it until counseling, the chasm between us had grown huge. And I had no desire to try anymore. I was just going through the motions. We were together for the kids—and then Hunter was gone. I was afraid that our marriage was gone, too. Counseling was critical (and still is).

  In fact, it was during one of those sessions when our marriage came up against its greatest challenge. It was April 25, 2007. Our meeting with Pastor Rich was scheduled for eleven o’clock. We had just returned from being away together for a few days. We’d had a great time, so I imagined our session would be somewhat easy.

  “I’d like for you guys to watch a video before we get started,” Pastor Rich said as we all made our way into the living room. He handed me the video, I put it in, sat down next to Jim, and pushed “play.”

  It was a video by a well-known Bible study teacher, Beth Moore. At first I was excited because I was very familiar with Beth and loved her teaching. But I also thought it was rather odd that Pastor Rich would use Beth Moore during our counseling session. Would Jim even pay attention?

  On the video Beth was talking about Joseph from the Bible, and how he had been betrayed by his brothers, sold into slavery, wrongly accused, thrown in prison, and eventually exalted to second-in-charge of all Egypt under Pharaoh. The specific Scripture Beth was discussing was Genesis 50:20: “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

  As soon as Beth recited Joseph’s words, I started to cry. Those words were so familiar to me. They were words of encouragement, hope, and life. I thought of how often I had needed to remind myself of the “good” in the midst of so much suffering while caring for my beloved Hunter. The “good” that was accomplished through Hunter’s Hope, the countless tears that had been wiped away, the hope that had conquered so much despair—all born as a result of my son’s precious life. I missed Hunter desperately.

  Pastor Rich stopped the video and asked me, “Jill, what does that mean to you right now?”

  Before I could answer, I ran out of the room to get a box of tissues. After I composed myself, I sat back down and answered him: “Hunter and all the good that has come from his life. The fact that we’re sitting here right now, still together, is part of the good that has come from all the pain we’ve been through.”

  It was hard to restrain the tears as I continued, “And how God has used Hunter’s suffering to save me and our family. It’s amazing. And what about Hunter’s Hope? Children’s lives are being saved because of what we’re accomplishing through the foundation.”

  There was a momentary pause in the conversation, and then Pastor Rich looked over at Jim, who was sitting to my right, and said, “Okay, Jim, go ahead.”

  That’s weird, I thought to myself. And then I looked at Jim. He took a deep breath, and then another one. I could tell that something was seriously bothering him. He took another deep breath and exhaled. He was very anxious about something. But what?

  We had just returned from a relaxing trip together. We were getting along better than ever before. Now, as Jim sat next to me trying to compose himself, I thought something must be terribly wrong. He’s going to tell me he has cancer and has only months to live. Or maybe something’s wrong with my mother and Jim needed Pastor Rich here so he could tell me.

  So many crazy thoughts bombarded my mind in those few moments that seemed to last forever. Finally, Jim tried to talk. At this point he was so emotional that tears started to pool in his eyes. When I saw them, I knew that whatever he was going to tell me was not good. Not good at all.

  After inhaling deeply once again, Jim said, “This is going to be hard.”

  “Just take your time, Jim,” Pastor Rich said.

  I looked at Pastor Rich, who at this point had tears in his eyes, too. And I thought to myself, Just tell me. What in the world is going on?

  “Um,” Jim started again, followed by another deep breath. “Wow, this is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.” Then he said it: “Jill, I have not been faithful to you. For a long time, I have not been faithful. I would do okay for a little while and…”

  He paused and took another deep breath. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” Another sigh.

  What was I supposed to say?

  I didn’t know what to do.

  I just sat there and stared at the coffee table in front of me.

  I was shocked.

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

  “Your mother called me the day we got home from St. Kitts and told me it was very important that she see me right away. And so we met the other day, in the mall parking lot out by the girls’ school. As soon as I saw her, I knew something was wrong. She handed me a letter and asked me to read it.”

  He paused and took another breath. “Thank God for your mother, Jill….”

  My mother! How is she involved in all of this? I thought to myself. I wanted to run out of the room and call her, I was so confused and anxious.

  “After reading your mother’s letter, I looked at your mom and she was crying. I didn’t know what to say or do. I was sort of mad and scared.”

  Jim paused and looked over at Pastor Rich. “Jill, I don’t want to hurt you and the girls anymore. After I read your mom’s letter, I wanted to change. But I needed help. I’ve already met with Pastor Rich, Danny, and Pastor Jerry.”

  As Jim continued to explain his frantic search for help, I sat there and bawled.

  “Jill, I realize now that Jesus is the only one who can help me. I need Him. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to do this anymore. You don’t deserve to be treated this way.”

  Another deep breath and he continued. “Jill, I’ve asked Jesus to forgive me and help me.” He turned his body toward me and looked directly into my eyes as he said, “Will you forgive me?”

  I replied, “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to feel.”

  I could barely look at Jim. I had given in and given up so many times. I had forgiven and started over so often I had lost count.

  “I’m so thankful and yet very sad,” I said as tears streamed down my face. “I’m angry but I want to be happy. What am I supposed to do?”

  Hoping for some sort of guidance and encouragement, I glanced over at Pastor Rich. He was overwhelmed, too.

  Jim broke the silence, looking at Pastor Rich for assurance. “Jill, everything is BC now, right, Pastor Rich?”

  Caught up in a rush of raw emotions, I didn’t get the “BC” comment right away.

  “Yes, Jim,” he said. “Everything that you have done, the mistakes and choices you’ve made, are forgiven. They are BC: before Christ. And Jill, you know that. Jim’s decision to get help changes everything. When he was in my office the other day, I knew he meant business. He was desperate for help. He understood exactly what he was doing.”

  I wondered in that moment if Pastor Rich somehow knew what I was thinking. He knew the good, the bad, and the very ugly. During our counseling sessions over the past year I had held nothing back. He knew the vastness of the chasm that alienated Jim and me. He was privy to the sordid details of our broken, messed-up relationship.

  Yet even though Pastor Rich continued to
assure me of Jim’s sincerity, I couldn’t help feeling cynical. As much as I wanted to believe Jim, I was still doubtful. Was this just another scheme? He was a master at scrambling his way out of threatening situations; was he desperate just because he was cornered?

  I was angry and hurt. I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me.

  I didn’t want to wonder, but I couldn’t stop myself…. Is he sincere? Is he for real? I wanted to believe he was telling the truth.

  On numerous occasions I had prayed that God would expose Jim and bring him to a place of brokenness. And now that it had finally happened… I wasn’t ready to believe it.

  Not knowing exactly how to act or feel, I just sat there.

  And cried.

  “I feel like the weight of a piano has been lifted off my chest,” Jim finally said. “I don’t have to hide anymore. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. And I want to play football with Hunter in heaven someday. And now I will.”

  Blinking back tears, Jim continued, his voice faltering, “The only word I can think of to really describe how I feel is free. I finally feel free.”

  As soon as Jim said those words, I turned toward him and whispered, “I forgive you.”

  When Jim said that he felt free, I knew he meant it. I knew it because that sense of freedom was familiar to me—I also knew what it meant to feel free in that way.

  For Jim to finally surrender all the junk of his past was huge. He must have felt like a new man when that crushing weight was lifted off his chest.

  And of course he was. The man who had been my husband died that day. He died to himself so that he could be forgiven and set free.

  In Jim’s Own Words

  Jacque, Jill’s mother, called me and told me she needed to talk to me about something important. I had a lot going on after being out of town for a few days, so I was hoping that whatever it was wouldn’t take too long.

  We decided to meet in a nearby mall parking lot that morning. I pulled up next to her car, and she got out and walked over to my truck. She handed me a letter and said, “I want you to read this.”

  “Right now?” I asked, hoping she wasn’t expecting me to read it right then and there.

  “Yes, right now.”

  I could tell she was upset. I didn’t want to read the letter while she was standing there staring at me, but I knew I had to.

  “What does this mean?” I asked her once I’d skimmed it.

  “I think you know what this means, Jim. You need to tell Jill.”

  “What?” I was frustrated and mad.

  “You need to tell Jill or I’m going to.”

  Jacque got in her car and drove away. I pulled out of the mall parking lot and just drove. I was stunned and disoriented. As I pondered how in the world I would tell Jill, I didn’t even notice that a school bus had stopped to let some kids off on the opposite side of the road in front of me. I slammed on the brakes and sat there in shock. As soon as I could, I pulled off to the side of the road and started reading through Jacque’s letter again.

  In the letter Jacque said she knew that I was still living an immoral lifestyle, and she could not just sit by and let my behavior destroy Jill and the girls. She said she wanted to believe that I still loved Jill, but if that was true, I needed to acknowledge the bondage I was trapped in, confess everything to Jill, and ask her and Jesus for forgiveness. Her last words were, “Humble yourself before God. He already knows everything. He is waiting. Let Him free you, Jim.” She would be praying that God would open my eyes and heart.

  As I read through the letter, I knew I needed help. I was afraid of what Jill might do when she found out. This wasn’t the first time I had screwed up. Would she forgive me again? And of course, I thought about the girls. I didn’t want to lose them, too. I had caused such a mess.

  After I finished reading the letter I immediately called my brother Danny. I got his voice mail and left a message, telling him I needed to talk to him as soon as possible. And then I called Pastor Rich. I couldn’t get ahold of him either.

  Danny eventually called me back and assured me that he would be there for me. Dan contacted Pastor Rich and set up a meeting at church that afternoon. The three of us met, and I told them everything and then we prayed. I don’t remember my exact words, but I remember how I felt after I prayed: like a huge weight had been lifted off of me. The feeling was like nothing I had ever experienced in my life. I wish I had known before what it was like to trust Jesus; I would have done it a long time ago.

  The following day I had a meeting with Jill’s mom and dad at Pastor Rich’s office. I had asked Pastor Rich to call Jacque and Jerry for me to ask them to meet. I needed to talk to them face-to-face. I wanted them to know that I was sorry.

  I was a nervous wreck, but I felt like everything would be okay. Jill’s dad, Jerry, is like a brother to me. Jerry and Jacque had forgiven me before, so I was hoping they would again.

  After we all sat down I didn’t really know what to do or say. I couldn’t wait to get out of there, and at the same time I was sort of excited to share the good news about Jesus. Pastor Rich looked at me, and I looked over at Jill’s parents and said, “I know that you’ve heard me say this before, but not since Jesus. I’m sorry for what I did to Jill. I’m sorry. I screwed up and I’m sorry. And I finally realize that in order for this to stop, I need help. I need Jesus.”

  Jerry had his head down while I was talking, and as soon as I stopped, he looked up at me, “I’ve heard you say that before, Jim. This is my daughter we’re talking about. What would you do if it were your daughter? How would you feel if someone did this to Erin or Camryn?”

  I don’t remember what everybody said that day, but I remember what Jerry said and how I felt afterward. I have been blitzed and sacked by 250-pound linebackers that resembled pick-up trucks more than people, and they hadn’t hit as hard as Jerry’s words. I can’t even imagine what I would do if someone hurt my girls. It wouldn’t be good, I know that much.

  When the meeting was over, Jacque gave me a hug. I’ll never forget that hug. She cried a lot during our meeting.

  Before I left, Pastor Rich asked me if I wanted him to be there for me when I told Jill, and of course I did.

  The next day was our meeting. I just wanted to get it over with. I was so nervous, not knowing what Jill would say or do when she found out. I had been praying throughout the night that she would forgive me. And I was thinking a lot about Erin and Camryn. I didn’t want to hurt them.

  After we sat down and watched a short video with Pastor Rich, it was my turn to talk. I had a very hard time and didn’t want to look at Jill because she kept crying. Even though what I had to say was really bad, I also had the greatest news ever to share. I guess I was hoping that the good would outweigh the bad. I was hoping that Jill would forgive me. And she did. I could tell that she wasn’t sure whether to believe me or not, though. And I don’t blame her for that. I would never have put up with me if I were her. I still can’t believe she forgave me.

  “You both have a long road ahead,” Pastor Rich said. “You’re both very different people now. And Jim, now you have Christ to help you every step of the way.”

  After all was said and done, as we stood up to walk Pastor Rich to the front door, Jill gave me a hug. I don’t ever remember feeling the way I did when she gave me that hug.

  I needed her forgiveness.

  I’ll never forget it.

  It felt like I was floating.

  I felt forgiven.

  And I felt free.

  Chapter 19

  Forever

  It was September 19, 2008, the day Jim and I were to renew our wedding vows. As I got ready, I was overwhelmed. I thanked the Lord for His generosity, for loving Jim and me enough to keep us together, and for His forgiveness, restoration, hope, and healing. I prayed that He would prepare our hearts—all of us: Erin and Camryn, all the guests, Jim, me, Pastor Rich, the whole crew—and that God would be glorified in every part of the day.


  We spent the entire day preparing. Jim had the guys setting up tables and chairs while the girls addressed the fine details of the event. My maid of honor and best friend from high school, Karyn, made sure, as she always does, that every detail was nailed down. After years of telling me that I was crazy for staying with Jim, Karyn was there for me. Her excitement and commitment to this extraordinary occasion meant so much to me—even though she still thought I was crazy and made sure she told me so one more time.

  Finally, everything was ready. Hunter’s Haven Lodge had been completely transformed into a woodsy fairy-tale land. The open pavilion overlooking Two Sisters Pond (named after Erin and Camryn) was draped with cream-colored silk and white sheen tulle that pooled on the pebble stone floor. An elaborate candle pillar altar made a picturesque backdrop where Jim and I would renew our marriage commitment. Hundreds of vanilla votive candles wrapped in gold glitter lined the center aisle and lit up the entire place, while pale white rose petals lay sprinkled around the covered guest chairs. Though there was a slight chill in the evening air, the candles brought welcomed warmth to the pavilion, so serene and beautiful in the soft moonlight.

  As our guests filled the seats, I scurried around the main lodge getting ready. In contrast to our wedding, I wanted to simplify as much as possible. I kept my hair and make-up understated, with Erin Marie making sure I didn’t overdo. And except for one thing—the fairy-tale princess skirt from my wedding—I pulled my outfit together with clothes from my closet. I had decided to wear that one part of my original wedding dress because the detachable silk tulle overskirt was still as beautiful as it was the first time I wore it. Oddly, I had always hoped to wear that piece of my dress again. It was so spectacular I thought maybe even Erin or Camryn might choose to wear it when they got married.