Mara and Dann mad-1

by Doris Lessing Little Dorrit

  They walked in the dusk up a path towards the lights of the house they had been shown. It was a house like the one she remembered from long ago: a tall, light, pretty house, and there had been a garden and trees.

  They went up stone steps, and were outside a room that was lit by tall floor candles. Mara remembered furniture like these chairs and tables. A man came forward, smiling. Mara thought, He knew we were coming. And then, Of course, in a place where there are only a few people, everyone knows everything.

  He was a Mahondi. The three of them were alike: tall, slim people with black, smooth, long hair. But he could not know that Mara's black, fuzzy stubble was really hair like his.

  "I have a fifty gold," said Dann.

  The man nodded, and Dann took out the coin. He gripped an edge tight, and held it out.

  "You'll have to let me see it properly."

  That voice: waves of remembering went through Mara. She had become used to the heavy, rough voices of the Rock People. Dann let go of the coin. The Mahondi took it to a candle, turned it over and over, and bent to bite it. He straightened and nodded. Dann was trembling again. The man handed him back the coin and said, "What do you want for it?"

  Dann had expected to change it, but now it was evident there would be no change. "We want to go North," he said. The Mahondi smiled: You don't say! "How far could we go for that?"

  "Your brother and yourself? A long way."

  Mara could feel the carrying pole trembling again: Dann was full of fear, frustration and anger. It was because he did not know how much to ask, was afraid of being cheated. He asked, "Do you have transport? Can you arrange it?"

  On the wall was an enormous coloured picture. Mara remembered it. It was a map. It was like the one she remembered from the classroom long ago. And it was the same shape as the one Dann had drawn in the dust for her. The Mahondi stepped to the map and pointed to a place in the middle. He meant: we are here. Then he pointed farther up the picture, to a black spot that said MAJAB, in large letters. It was a span of about three fingers' breadth.

  "When can we go?" asked Dann.

  "Tomorrow morning."

  "We'll come back here," said Dann.

  "You'd do better to stay here. We'll give you a room."

  Who was we?

  "How are we going to get to Majab?" asked Mara. Dann and this Mahondi both looked impatiently at her for asking the question. "Well, of course," said Dann, "sky skimmer." Mara had not known they still existed.

  The man said again, "You'll be safe here." All of Mara longed to say, Yes, yes, yes, thank you; but Dann shook his head and then jerked it towards Mara — Come.

  "Then be here just after sunrise." And then they heard, "You shouldn't go back into the town with that on you." Dann was walking away, not replying. "They know you've got gold. It's dangerous."

  The last light was in the dark of the sky, a red flush. The two could hardly see the path. The man was watching them go. "He thinks we won't be coming back," said Mara. "He thinks they'll kill us down there." Dann said nothing. At least he didn't say, You don't understand — when Mara understood very well. It's a funny thing, she thought, knowing something about someone, like why Dann is afraid of that Mahondi, but he doesn't know. I don't think I can explain it to him, either.

  She could hardly bear to walk down into that town. In the market place the stallholder and some other people stood around the trestles eating. There was some bread and fruit there. All of them turned to watch Dann and Mara go past. Their faces were hard and cold. They had not expected to see the two again.

  A woman said loudly, "Their own kind won't have them."

  Those faces: Mara was looking at a hatred worse than anything she had known, even in the Rock Village. She whispered to Dann, "It's not too late, we could go back up there." He shook his head. "These people want to kill us." But she could see he knew that.

  They were returning to the house where they had been. The door was open on to the square: it had been closed when they left. Inside the main room some light came in from the twilight, not much. "The moon will be up later," he said.

  "It's going to be quite dark until then," she pleaded, expecting him to ignore her; but he looked at her — that long, intent look — and took out the precious match, rubbed it on the wall, lit the candle stub. A thin light wavered over the dark room. Now he went to the inner door and pulled aside the stone that held it. They heard hissing. It was a lizard's hiss. She was frantically trying to pull Dann towards the door into the square, but he said, "Wait. We must look." He pushed open the inner door and beckoned. There was another room, and along a wall a half-grown lizard was dying, and hissing at them, but only feebly. Stairs went up. Dann leaped up the stairs and nodded at her to come too. There was a big empty room up there. Beyond it another room. Dann opened that door and quickly stood back. She went to be with him, thinking this was the same as when he was small, when he would jump off a rock or into a pool hardly looking to see if there was danger. There was a great hole in the roof here, and the sky showed a couple of still pale stars. This room was full of spiders: not the yellow and black ones but enormous, brown spiders that were everywhere on the walls and the floor. What did they eat? — she was wondering, and at once knew the answer: they were eating each other, for as she looked a great brown spider, the size of a big dog, leaped on a smaller one and began crunching it up, while the victim squeaked and squirmed, and others came scrambling to join in the feast.

  Mara said, "I'm not staying in this house."

  She had never said no to him, had let him take the lead. And he stood still, those intent eyes of his on her face: What am I seeing now, what does it mean? How strange it was, the way he searched faces, wanting to know what people were feeling. As if he didn't feel himself — but that wasn't true. And why was he not afraid now? The spiders knew they were there and would surely attack them? And suddenly Mara understood. Dann was afraid of people, only of people... But she was already off down the stairs, while he came leaping after her. She had picked up her sack and was out into the dark, and stopped, because of the scorpions. But they were not there, had gone off into their holes and hiding places because they did not like the cold. And the people had gone off too. Dann stood looking this way and that way and then he ran across to the trestles, and jumped up on the biggest of them. She followed. He was right: better to be well off the ground. But where was that big dragon? The light had gone, and the stars were coming out, dusty, but friendly to Mara. The two sat back to back, their sacks and water cans near them, she with the long carrying pole close to her hand, he with his knife pulled half out of its pocket. They ate one of the food fruits that were like bread, but this one was not soft and rich, as it ought to be, but was dryish and tasteless from lack of water. They drank a little of their water, not much. "Who knows when we are going to get some more?" Dann whispered. And Mara thought, Those people up in that house, they would give us water.

  And now the moon came up, as heavy and solid as a food fruit, but it was not a complete round. Its bright yellow had an edge that looked as if it had been gnawed. They could see everything. Both looked for the great dragon: where was it? And the yellow and black spiders in their thick webs: did they know the two were there, so close? Soon, it was sharply cold. She felt the heat from Dann's back in her back, and wished that she had, like him, long black hair that she could pull close around her shivering neck. Instead she wrapped her naked head in the cloth that had held the slave's dress that Dann had found at the top of the wall. Neither slept. They were in a half-sleep, or dream, watching how the black shadows of the houses moved towards them across the dust. And they saw something else: a movement in the shadow near the door of the house they had left. Then someone, crouching, ran back towards houses that had flickering lights in them. Here they burned candles all night, for protection: how did they dare to sleep at all, the people of this horrible town? The very moment the sky greyed, Dann was stretching, peering about, on guard. Again they hastily ate a little, on
e of the yellow roots, and drank a mouthful or two. They were waiting for the sun to show itself, and soon there it was, a hot red burn over the hill they had been on yesterday. The scorpions came running around the edges of the houses and took up their positions. The stallholder from yesterday came into the market, but stopped when he saw them. He seemed surprised. He went to the door of the house they had been in, opened it, and out waddled the dragon. The man had led the beast into the house when it was dark and had expected it to attack them. He had not seen them there on the trestles. The dragon came fast across to the trestles, its mouth open, hissing. The man took out a piece of meat from a jar and threw it to the dragon. His angry, hating smile at the two said clearly: I thought the dragon would not need feeding this morning. The dragon lay down where it was yesterday, in the sun. It was a guard for the stallholder, perhaps even a pet.

  The two went quickly away out of the market and again up the path to the house on the rise. On the way Mara went aside to pee. It ran clear and light yellow into the soil, which hissed gently, from dryness. She was not sick any longer. She thought, I'm well; soon I'll be as strong as I ever was. And she looked at her thin, stick-like legs, lifting her robe to see them, and thought they were already more like legs. She put her hands on her buttocks to feel them: but they were still just bones, no flesh there yet.

  Just inside the door of the front room, they stood side by side, each holding an end of the carrying pole and a sack in their hands. The man from yesterday came in, and Mara saw his smooth, shining skin and his clean, shining hair, and thought how she and Dann must seem to him, with their dirty robes, and their dust. They had brought dust in with them: dusty footprints on the polished floor, and dust fell from them as they stood.

  The man held out his hand. Dann took the yellow coin from the pocket that held the knife, and put it into the hand.

  The man stood looking closely at them, Dann, Mara, Dann again, and asked, "Did you come from Rustam?"

  Dann said, "I don't know."

  The man looked enquiringly at Mara. She almost said, Yes, but was afraid. He said, "You look very much like." and stopped. Then, "Do you know how to ride in a skimmer?" Surprising her, Dann said, "Yes." To Mara the man said, "You must keep very still. If the skimmer has to come down, get out, wait until it begins to lift, and jump in. They have very little power now."

  "I had a job working skimmers, on a hill shuttle," said Dann. Was that actually a smile? Was he trusting this Mahondi after all?

  "Good. Then if you are both ready, we'll go..." And at that moment another man came in, a Mahondi, and Dann's mouth was open; he stared, and was trembling. The two men were alike. But, thought Mara, frantic, already knowing what was going to happen, Mahondis are alike. These two men just look like Mahondis — that's all.

  Dann was letting out gasping, feeble sounds, and the two men, frowning, astonished, turned towards him, presenting their faces to him, close, leaning forward. Dann gave a shout, said to Mara, "Come on," and ran, the two cans on the carrying pole over his shoulder, his sack in his hand. Her first thought was, And now I shall have no water.

  The two men were looking at her now: Why? She could not speak, for her throat was thick with the need to cry. She knew why, but how could she explain it to them? "What's the matter with him?" asked the man who had just come in.

  Mara felt herself sway, and was able to reach a chair where she sat, eyes closed. When she opened them, the two were staring at her.

  "Your big brother is rather strange, isn't he?" said the first man.

  And now she had to smile: little Dann, her big brother. But they were still staring: were they seeing something they hadn't before? She thought, In a moment they'll whisk up my robe to have a look. And what they will see first is the rope of coins knotted around my waist. She stood up. They were looking at her chest. She thrust it out so they could see its flatness.

  "How old are you?" asked the second man.

  "Eighteen."

  The two looked at each other. She did not know what that look said. A long pause. Then the first man said, "We'll take you, if you like."

  First she thought, Oh yes, yes, anywhere away from here. Then she thought, But Dann, I can't leave him; and she said aloud, "I can't leave my brother." She had nearly said, My little brother.

  "You'll be by yourself. It's dangerous," said the man she now felt was her friend, and whom she did not want to leave.

  She did not reply. She could not. Her throat was thick again, and she was thinking, If I cry the way I'd like to, they'll know I am a girl. And meanwhile there was a new thought in her mind. She wanted to ask, Please may I have a bath? — but this was ridiculous, so dangerous. But she was remembering, because of the faces of these two, which were so familiar to her, so near — like her parents, like all the people she had known as a child — how one could stand in a big basin and water was splashed all over you, cool water; and then there was a soft, sweet-smelling soap, not like the fatty sand she had used to clean herself at the waterholes. She longed so much for this water that she was afraid of saying anything at all, because it was dangerous. Of course it was, for she would have to take her clothes off and then.

  The two men stood side by side and looked hard at Mara, trying to understand.

  "What's your name?" asked one suddenly.

  A name came pushing into her mind from long ago; yes, she thought, that's my name, it is my real name, my name — and then she saw Lord Gorda's face, tired, thin, kind, so close to hers. Remember, you are Mara, your name is Mara.

  She nearly said, Mara, but said, "Maro."

  "What is your family name?"

  And now she could not remember. Everyone then had had the same name, and she never thought about it.

  "I don't know," she said, and she was even thinking, Perhaps they'll know and they'll tell me. And she was still thinking, I'll ask they're kind and I can wash this robe and make it white instead of dusty brown and wash out the smell of that other person.

  "Then if you're not coming, I'll give you back the fifty," said the first man, holding it out.

  And now she was pleading, "Oh no, no, please, let me have it in small coins, please."

  And now another long look between the men. Then the man she thought of as her friend said, "But Maro, the change for this would fill your sack. You couldn't carry it. And besides, no one has that amount of money these days." And the other man asked, "Where have you come from, Maro?" — meaning, How is it you don't know this already?

  She said, "The Rock Village."

  Again they looked at each other, really surprised.

  To avoid more questions she said, "I'll go." And held out her hand for the gold. The coin was put into her hand. Then her friend went to a chest, pulled out a bag of the light, flimsy coins, poured some into a smaller bag about the size of her hand, and gave it to her.

  She said, "Thank you." And again, "Thank you, thank you." She longed to say, I've changed my mind, please take me in the skimmer away from here, but she could not.

  "Keep that money out of sight," her friend said.

  And the other, "Don't go back into the town."

  5

  She walked away from the house, and never in her life had she felt as she did then, as if her heart would break: she was going away from what she really was — that was how she felt.

  At the foot of the rise she turned: they were still in their doorway, watching her. She lifted her hand: Goodbye. And thought that in her other hand she still held the gold coin and the little bag of coins. She dropped both into her sack.

  She would rather have died than go back into the town. She felt sick with fear even thinking of it. There was a dusty track leading away from the town, going north, and she began walking along it, alone. She thought, I won't last long without Dann. They'd kill me for this sack, or for this robe I have on.

  She kept glancing back along the track to make sure she was not followed. On either side was the landscape that by now she knew so well: dead and dying tr
ees, like sticking-up bones, whitish drifts of dust, the sky yellow with dust and, dotted about among the drought-killed trees, the occasional strong, fresh, green trees, their roots going far down. She walked on, the sun burning her pate through the thin cloth she had draped there, and she was thinking of how, deep in the earth, streams of clean water ran, making pools and marshes and falls and freshets and floods, and into them reached the roots of these few surviving trees. And why should these few have fought to reach the deep water, and the others given up? It was midday. Ahead she saw a thin crowd of people. She was at once afraid. More afraid than she had been of the spiders or the dragon? Yes; and she understood Dann. She was walking faster than they were: soon she would catch up with them. What ought she to do? When she was closer she saw they were the mix of peoples that was usual now: every kind of shape and skin colour and hair colour and kind of hair; but everything was dusty: dust on them and on the clothes they wore, which mostly were trousers and tunics that she knew were worn farther south than the Rock Village. When she came up with the end of the straggle of walkers, she saw the two people Dann and she had robbed — and was it really only two nights ago? Both were on their last legs, almost staggering, their eyes glazed. These two took no notice of Mara, but others turned to look, but were not interested in her. She went on behind them, more slowly, because a lot of people walk slower than one or two, and because it was very hot. The front of the crowd could hardly be seen through blowing dust: the wind was getting up, and dust clouds were swirling about and through them. She tried to make out the faces nearest to her: some she thought were from the boat. It was important to recognise faces, friends or enemies. She was stumbling along, thinking that she longed for a mouthful of water, and she had none; that if Dann were not as he was, then they both would now be travelling north in the skimmer, would be far away from this dying land. Someone was walking up behind her... was level with her... had moved ahead; and it was Dann, who did not smile or greet her, but only adjusted the carrying pole so that it again rested on her shoulder and the two cans swung between them. She said, "I have got to have some water." He said, "Wait, or when they see you're drinking they'll grab it all."