Shock & Awe (A Sidewinder Story)

by Abigail Roux

  “Why?”

  “A few weeks ago you almost died,” Nick said, his voice gone rough. “Your view of the world has shifted.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because I’ve almost died a couple times, Kels. I remember what it’s like to . . . to realize you’re still here when you shouldn’t be.”

  Kelly swallowed hard and nodded. He remembered the weeks of desperate searching when Ty and Nick had gone missing. He remembered how it had felt, trying to accept that they were gone and he’d never been able to say good-bye, to tell them what they both meant to him. He’d written letters to their families. They’d never been mailed, thank God, but he’d still sobbed while writing them.

  He remembered the day he’d seen a transport truck roll into camp with Ty and Nick laid out in the back, thinking they were dead. He and Owen had climbed into that truck faster than the lieutenant had been able to order them away. Kelly’d found the pulse at Nick’s neck and wanted to throw up with relief.

  His stomach lurched and he turned his hand over to grasp Nick’s fingers. Nick squeezed Kelly’s hand as if he knew what he was thinking, what he was recalling.

  “Before last night, you’d never even considered kissing another man, much less whatever’s in your head now,” Nick continued.

  “That’s not entirely true. I’d thought about it. Just never seriously. Or while sober.”

  “Still. You’re in uncharted territory. It would be easy. Us.”

  Kelly looked up.

  “Just sex is one thing. I think we could manage that and not lose each other. But talking about anything else right now would be . . .”

  “Crazy?” Kelly asked.

  Nick smiled.

  “You’re right.”

  “I know,” Nick said with a grin.

  Kelly barked a laugh. “Shut up. Hear me out, though. Okay?”

  Nick picked up Kelly’s hand and held it, his fingers playing with Kelly’s. He nodded.

  Kelly tore his eyes away from their hands to examine Nick’s profile. “We know each other better already than we could ever hope to know anyone else. Our pasts, our hopes and fears, all our secrets. We’ve already shared all that. We know we’re compatible. Hell, we even know we can live together.”

  “That’s debatable,” Nick mumbled. He gave Kelly a sly grin.

  “Shut up. At least you already know all my bad habits, right?”

  “Like licking the germs off a spoon and putting it back in the drawer?”

  “I only did that once,” Kelly mumbled. “But you know I love M&M’s in my pancakes. I know you eat French fries with ranch instead of ketchup and that you steal the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms when you think no one’s looking.”

  Nick began to laugh.

  “You know I squeeze the toothpaste from the middle, and I know you used to go behind me with one of those tube squeezers every morning and fix it so no one else would get mad at me. And I know you wake up in the middle of the night sometimes so terrified you don’t even recognize your own name. And I know the only people you’ll let spend the night in bed with you are people you know can fight you off if you try to hurt them.”

  Nick’s eyes had gone wider, and he fought to swallow as Kelly spoke. He looked vulnerable, something Nick rarely seemed, and Kelly wanted to wrap him in a hug.

  “Sometimes I wake up screaming too,” Kelly whispered. “But I never have when I was sharing a bed with you. And after last night we know there’s a whole lot to work with below the belt, you know what I mean?”

  Nick nodded and looked down, smiling. Kelly reached for him, grabbing his chin and forcing him to meet his eyes to make sure Nick heard him.

  “This could work out pretty nice for both of us, Nicko. I’ve never been with anyone where it was so easy so fast. Where it felt like home. But you’ve always been home to me.”

  Nick’s eyes caught the sunlight and almost made Kelly forget what he’d been saying.

  “Kelly,” Nick tried. His voice faltered, and he had to stop to swallow.

  “I’ve already got more with you than I’ve ever had anywhere,” Kelly said in a rush, trying to beat Nick to whatever he’d been about to say. He took a deep breath to calm himself. “And after last night?”

  “It would be easy.” Nick sighed and ran his thumb along Kelly’s knuckles.

  Kelly dropped his hand away from Nick’s chin. “But you’re still going to say no, aren’t you?”

  “I will never say no to you,” Nick said, his voice soft.

  “Is it this guy you’re not dating?”

  “Aidan,” Nick provided, trying not to laugh. “We’re not dating, but not for lack of trying.”

  Jealousy spiked so quickly that Kelly barely recognized the feeling. “I don’t understand what that means.”

  “He’s a fireman. Our first date, a warehouse caught fire,” Nick explained. “He left me at the fire station. Do you have any idea the rivalry between cops and firefighters in Boston? I’m surprised I didn’t end up duct-taped to the fire pole or something.”

  Kelly began to laugh, biting his lip to stop himself.

  “The second first date, there was a triple homicide and I had to leave him sitting in my squad car for two hours. He got into the back to take a nap, and didn’t realize the doors would lock behind him.”

  Kelly began to laugh despite how much he hated the idea of Nick dating anyone. Nick chuckled softly, shaking his head.

  “We decided that ‘dates’ weren’t good for the city after that, so we didn’t try again.”

  “So you’re basically fuck buddies.”

  Nick shrugged noncommittally, glancing away.

  “So why are you saying no to me?”

  Nick sighed loudly. “What I’m saying right now is wait.”

  Kelly’s shoulders slumped. The disappointment was sharper than he’d expected. “Wait?”

  “Wait. Until you’re better. Until all of this isn’t shiny and new. Until life feels normal for you again.”

  Kelly made a disgusted sound. “What’s normal anyway?”

  Nick chuckled. “I wouldn’t be any kind of friend if I let you make decisions with a bottle of painkillers and a fresh bullet hole in your back.”

  The disappointment spiked, but Kelly should have known Nick would be reasonable and levelheaded. Nick was the first person willing to jump, but he’d also be the one making sure you had your parachute on. “What about you?” Kelly asked, his voice hoarse.

  “What about me?”

  “What will you do while I’m getting better and rubbing the shine off things?”

  Nick smiled crookedly. “Hopefully I’ll be getting rubbed a little too.”

  They both laughed, not looking away from each other. Kelly liked how bold Nick was; it was completely at odds with his nonchalant attitude. He’d seen Nick in action, of course, but he’d never been the target. He understood the attraction now. Completely understood.

  He moved impulsively, grabbing for Nick’s shirtfront and pulling him into a kiss. Nick moved with him, turning into him. He picked Kelly up by the backs of his thighs and set him on the railing, crowding in close between his legs as they kissed. Kelly didn’t even have time to register how weird it felt to be manhandled. He didn’t worry about falling backward off the railing. It was natural to trust Nick to hold him, to wrap his arms around Nick’s neck and squeeze his knees against Nick’s hips.

  The kiss was rough and consuming, just like Nick. Just like everything Kelly loved about Nick.

  Nick took Kelly’s face in both hands when he pulled away. He pressed his forehead to Kelly’s cheek, his breath harsh against Kelly’s neck. “Put your feet on the ground,” he said, voice gone hard. He gripped Kelly’s arms to keep him from tilting backward, but he stepped away too.

  Kelly fought the urge to grab him and stop him from backing off.

  “We need to take that walk,” Nick grumbled.

  “I’d rather climb the stairs.”

  Nick smiled
weakly. Kelly gave him a small tug, but Nick resisted. He didn’t break eye contact, but he looked like he desperately wanted to. He shook his head instead. “I was wrong, I can’t do this.”

  “Nick.”

  “I’m serious, Kels. I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “Baby, I got two Percocet in me, I’m untouchable right now!” Kelly drawled, giving Nick’s arm a tug.

  Nick put a hand over his eyes. “Please don’t remind me that you lack clear decision-making skills right now.”

  “What?”

  “Percocet. That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

  “Is this about you and Aidan?”

  “No. Sort of. No,” Nick stammered. He ran his hand over his face. “I just, this feels dangerous to me, Doc.”

  “I know what this is,” Kelly grumbled.

  Nick laughed bitterly. “I doubt that, because even I don’t know what this is. So let’s just leave it at this and go take a walk.” Nick moved away, leaving Kelly leaning against the railing trying to catch his breath.

  “This is your fear of commitment cropping up, huh? Isn’t that usually like a fifth date thing for you?”

  Nick stopped short and turned to face him.

  “I call bullshit,” Kelly said. He crossed his arms over his chest stubbornly.

  “Are you really psychoanalyzing me right now?”

  “I know the gears in your head by name, bud. You’re not going to pull any of this shit with me.”

  Nick worked his jaw and looked away.

  “What are you really afraid of?” Kelly asked.

  Nick glared at him, his eyes blazing briefly before he calmed again. “You know exactly what I’m afraid of.”

  “The same thing that made you keep your mouth shut about Ty all those years?”

  Nick’s jaw jumped as he clenched his teeth.

  “It’ll never happen,” Kelly said calmly. “If we try this and it doesn’t work, that’s it. There’s no drama between us. It won’t hurt us. It won’t hurt our friendship.”

  Nick looked up at the sky, taking a deep breath. “Kels, I’m begging you to stop.”

  “Nick,” Kelly tried as he moved closer. “It’s me. I know why you’re panicking right now. I know—”

  “Don’t,” Nick growled.

  Kelly took a deep breath and went for it anyway. “You’re afraid of this moving past the ‘just sex’ point, right? You’re afraid it might be something special, because that’s sure as hell what it felt like last night. You’re scared.”

  Nick put both hands on his hips and lowered his head, nodding. “Okay,” he said, then turned and stalked toward the door, disappearing inside.

  Kelly sighed heavily, left alone on his deck as the breeze plucked at the hem of his shirt and ruffled his hair. “Well, that went well.”

  Nick sat in a swing on the front deck, his feet propped on the railing, an unlit cigarette in his hand. He’d wanted to simply bolt, to get out and clear his head for a few hours, but even angry he wasn’t willing to leave Kelly alone. And since the cabin consisted of one open room downstairs and the loft bedroom, there was nowhere to run and hide. So he’d gone to the front deck and planted himself there for a few hours. Kelly had left him alone.

  Nick had to smile. Just the fact that Kelly knew to leave him alone was something. He could almost forgive him for calling him out like he had.

  He heard Kelly coming to the door, and he turned his head. “You need help?”

  “No, I’m good,” Kelly answered when he pushed past the screen door. He shuffled closer, holding his hand to his chest. He stopped at Nick’s side and stared off at the setting sun. “I’m steadier if I don’t take the pain pills.”

  “Yeah, but then you’re in pain.”

  Kelly shrugged. “It takes some of the fear out of it. Being able to feel it all the way through. I’m realizing I’ve been babying myself for no reason.”

  Nick peered up at him. He brought the cigarette to his mouth and sucked on the filter. He hadn’t smoked a cigarette in almost twenty years. But he still liked the way they felt in his hands, the ritual of bringing one to his lips, the way the tobacco smelled.

  Kelly finally looked down at him. “Phantom smoking, huh?”

  Nick smiled weakly, shrugging.

  Kelly snickered and sat. “You know what the squids used to call you behind your back when you’d do that?”

  “Ghost lighter,” Nick answered, beginning to smile more. Kelly laughed. Nick handed the cigarette to him, and he put it in his mouth and sucked on the filter like Nick had done, then handed it back.

  Nick stared at the cigarette for a long moment. He’d started smoking at twelve. He’d been eighteen when he’d met Ty, and the man had almost instantly broken him of it. He hadn’t shamed him out of it or tried to subvert the habit, though. He’d simply stated the fact that craving a cigarette was one more weakness someone could exploit and that had been that.

  A week later, Nick had been almost done with it. Almost. The only thing that remained was a craving for the action. It didn’t matter if it was a cigarette, a straw, or a stick. He almost always had something in his mouth, like the toothpick Kelly had plucked from his lips that morning. It didn’t matter. It was still a weakness, he supposed. One of his few. And Kelly knew the whole story.

  “I could never break myself of it.”

  “We all have our vices,” Kelly muttered.

  “I’m sorry,” Nick said under his breath. He glanced at Kelly, meeting his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

  Kelly shook his head. “Me too. I knew better. I shouldn’t have poked at that.”

  “You’re one of the only people who knows it’s there to poke. I have to give you points for that.” They stared at each other in the silence, neither compelled to speak or look away. Nick brought the cigarette to his mouth again, sucking in the faint taste of tobacco before handing it over to Kelly. “You ready for that walk now?”

  “No.” Kelly pulled a lighter out of his back pocket and lit the cigarette. He took a long drag, then exhaled the smoke in a stream that began to waft on the breeze. He grinned. “A hole shot in my lung, I was hoping you’d be able to see smoke come through the stitches,” he said, snickering as he handed it back to Nick.

  Nick smiled sadly, watching his companion in the dying light. He turned his attention to the glowing tip of the cigarette. He’d been a private the last time he’d smoked. He stared at it a little longer, then turned it over and ground the tip into the railing.

  When he tore his attention away from it, Kelly was watching him. “You know what I always admired about you, Irish?”

  “I can’t imagine.”

  “You knew right from wrong.”

  Nick raised both eyebrows, smiling. “That’s not exactly a huge feat.”

  “Yeah, it is. In our lives? The things we’ve been part of? Yeah, it is. Your moral compass always pointed the right way. And no matter what you wanted, you always followed where it led you. So if last night didn’t feel right to you, I’ll trust that.”

  Nick stared at him, trying to decipher the feeling the words gave him. He was both honored by Kelly’s opinion of him and oddly disappointed. He shook his head. What scared him about last night wasn’t that it had felt wrong. It had felt right. Really fucking right. And that was the core of his current problem. His moral compass was spinning.

  Kelly took a deep, shaky breath. “But at the risk of pissing you off even more,” he said, his face hard and his voice stern, “I’m going to say this again because I don’t think you’ve heard it enough. I don’t think you believe it.”

  Nick’s entire body went cold. He held his breath, telling himself to let Kelly finish this time.

  “You’re a good man,” Kelly whispered. “One of the best I’ve ever known. And if you’re denying yourself a life with someone who loves you because you don’t think you deserve it, then you’re not as smart as I think you are. And if you’re saying no to me because you’re afraid, then you’re a pu
ssy.”

  Nick’s lips twitched. “How long did you practice that before you came out here?”

  “About an hour,” Kelly answered, breaking into a smile. “Was it good? How’d I do?”

  Nick nodded. “It was good.”

  “You believe me?”

  Nick inhaled deeply, butterflies churning in his stomach. “Yeah, I do.”

  “Do you believe me when I say I want the D?”

  Nick choked back a laugh. He ran his fingers over his forehead, smiling crookedly. “Yeah, I do. This is the worst idea we’ve ever had.”

  Kelly’s grin widened. “I agree. Want to go upstairs and get naked?”

  “Kind of,” Nick drawled.

  “Want to not smoke another cigarette first?”

  They both laughed. Their camaraderie had always been easy. Nick’s inner composure fed off Kelly’s outward calm, and Kelly’s quirkiness fed off Nick’s nonchalance. Kelly was probably right when he said there’d be no drama between them.

  Kelly pulled himself out of his chair, moving closer to Nick. He slapped his shoulder and waved at him. “Scoot over.”

  Nick did, sliding to the far side of the swing to let Kelly settle beside him. He kept his hand on the back of the swing and Kelly leaned into the crook of his arm. It wasn’t something they’d never done before, because Nick had a tendency to put his arm around whoever was sitting next to him regardless of who it was. But this time felt different. Everything about Kelly felt different now. Different, yet still familiar. Nick realized that would never change. What he was afraid of happening had already happened, and they would never be able to go back to what they’d been.

  There was no retreat. Retreat, hell. The only option now was to move forward. They just needed to pick their path and stick to it.

  “It’s me you’re dealing with,” Kelly said, bringing Nick back to the present. “You don’t have to hide shit from me, you know? You don’t have to protect me from any part of you. I already know it all. And you know all of me.”

  Nick watched Kelly’s profile, unable to tear his eyes away, unable to say anything.

  Kelly pulled a blunt out of his pocket and held it up. “You still smoke these?”