Sitting side by side, the loud music becomes the conversation between them. A couple times, Garrett turns the music all the way down to ask if the song that is playing is okay. Responding with an enthusiastic head nod, he sends the volume soaring back up.
Enjoying a puffy white cloud scurrying across the deep blue sky, Zara leans her head back against the head rest to soak in the woman singing Here’s to Us. Enjoying the scenery whipping by, a feeling of disappointment replaces Zara’s relaxation as the Jeep pulls back into the driveway.
Chapter 7
Trudy suggested that I begin writing some of my thoughts in this journal. She said that after so many years of being taught to not express how we feel it will be a safe place for me to explore how I feel. She also said my situation is radically different from anyone else’s because they all stayed within the safety of the Community. Feels strange to write my thoughts and feelings.
The look on Mother’s face when I turned to walk out of the Circle will not go away. Although her body was in absolutely perfect presentation position for my father, her expression was completely mine. In the instant we had, I saw no anger or sadness for the loss of a daughter. I saw disappointment in her eyes. There was a great disappointment in a daughter who had failed her so publicly in front of the Community but, more importantly, her Master. All those years of trying to make her proud of me have been erased.
My Fredrik. How I miss you, brother. This beautiful place has been a paradigm shift. I have spent the last four days virtually alone with my thoughts on the beach. The family has been very welcoming and you would like them very much. I miss you so much. When I lay in bed at night, I wish for those three knocks of yours before you open the door and come in to talk. Tomorrow, I leave here to go to college. I am so nervous. Scared even. I hope you know that you are in my thoughts.
Clipping the pen to the cover of the journal, Zara lays back on the blanket listening to the sounds of the water lapping over the shore and retreating. The screeching of birds as they search for food and the occasional boat horn from across the lake. After hours on the beach, it all resonates into an evenly balanced chorus that allows Zara to relax her wandering thoughts.
A shadow appears over Zara, it is Trudy standing in a big floppy hat and large glasses. “Mind if I sit with you?” Trudy asks.
Sitting up quickly, Zara replies, “I would like that.” She moves over to give Trudy room on the blanket.
“Hold this, would you please?” Trudy hands Zara a straw bag before slowly easing herself down onto the blanket. “It has been a month of Sunday’s since I’ve been out here.”
Once she is settled, Zara hands her back her bag. Trudy takes out two travel mugs and gives on to Zara. “Iced tea.”
“Thank you.”
“Seems this is it.” Trudy takes a long drink of her tea.
“I have never spent so much time alone.”
“Well, Child. Garrett felt that after everything that you needed time between leaving your family and the Circle and starting at State to just take a breath. We all wanted you to have your space.
Zara looks at Trudy.
“Well, now.”
Zara stiffens.
“Child, he will be back this evening for dinner. He just went to his cabin for the day.”
“Cabin?” Zara’s asks with definite interest.
Trudy nods and continues, “Garrett has a cabin left to him by his grandparent. It is his retreat. He often goes when he wants to get away and think. Much like you seem to be drawn to the water, he is drawn to the woods of his cabin.”
Why did he not take me to the cabin with him?
“It’s been nice having you around the house these last few days.” Trudy interrupts Zara’s thoughts.
“Trudy, I am nervous about going to State.”
Reaching around Zara, Trudy draws her into a half hug. “Child, you are supposed to be scared. This next chapter is unknown to you. But, you do have one thing going for you…Garrett.”
Zara looks back out over the water. Trudy places her hand on Zara’s shoulder and leans on her to stand up. “It’s hot out here. I don’t know how you kids do it.”
“Child, tomorrow morning you are going to wake up and Garrett is going to drive you to State. You will join a lot of other kids who are feeling the same way you are. Remember that my number is programmed in your phone and you can call me day or night, even just to say you are scared.”
With that Trudy, started her slow ascend back to the house. From several yards away, she turns back to Zara. “You will be ok. Child, you will be far better than ok.”
Zara draws her knees up to her chest and wraps her arms around them tightly. Resting her cheek on her knee she closes her eyes.
Funny how someone I just met can try to comfort me but my own mother never could.
Chapter 8
Everything about this moment is exactly as Garrett said it would be. Zara takes a deep breath and squares her shoulders, looking down at the white access card in her sweaty hand. Feeling her car door open, Zara exhales one last time before stepping from the Jeep.
“This is it. Yakeley Hall.”
Zara slowly takes the first steps toward her new home. Glancing back, she finds Garrett is leaning against his Jeep. Making no move to accompany her, she replays the detailed instructions he gave her while at the beach house and, again, on the drive over. His waiting at the Jeep until she was inside was not mentioned, yet she finds it is a welcome addition.
I wish we were still at the beach house.
Squaring her shoulders more confidently, Zara takes in her new home. Yakeley Hall is a lovely old red brick building with a plethora of windows, the lush greenery different than what she is used to in Chattanooga. Marbled steps lead to a set of wooden double doors with iron handles and stained glass mosaics in place of windows.
Zara waves the access card over a black electronic box above the iron handle and a tiny red light turns green. Quickly pulling the handle, Zara opens the door to her new life, barely believing how much has changed since waking up on her eighteenth birthday four days earlier.
Pausing long enough for one more deep breath, Zara walks through the entryway, resisting the urge to see if Garrett is still leaning against his Jeep. Inside the door, Zara looks up at the ceiling and closes her eyes.
Come on, Zar. You are not allowed to already miss him. You should have had the conversation with him. Now, when will you see him again? FOCUS! THIS IS YOUR LIFE!
This moment marks the beginning of a dream she had never dared dream. Zara reaches for the pendant Garrett had given her only a few days prior and finds some comfort in squeezing it in her hand. Needing to feel more control, she empties her mind and pictures a grain of sand.
Feeling calmer, Zara opens the inner door to the smell of an old building and books, bringing to mind the small public library she visits near her parents’ home. Many hours were spent in that library reading to Fredrik when he was smaller.
Smiling at the memory, Zara hardly notices a bank of metal mailboxes in the wall across from the “front desk” area Garrett described. The ‘Welcome to Yakeley’ banner would probably have led her to the correct location without his thorough instructions.
Growing up, Zara had imagined students milling about the halls discussing science and philosophy. Much to her surprise and disappointment, she is the only person in the lobby, making her feel smaller than normal.
A student dressed in a pink MSU tee shirt and cut off shorts sits staring at a computer screen as Zara approaches the desk. Not wanting to interrupt, she stands silently in front of the counter and patiently waits to be noticed. Observing a room off the lobby with several couches and comfy chairs, she is startled when a door in the lobby opens and an older woman walks up to her with a welcoming smile.
“Hello, have you been waiting long?”
“No, Ma’am. I just arrived a moment ago. I am here to check in. My name is…”
“Zara. My name is Kaye. I am here to h
elp get you to your room. Beth, this is Zara. Zara, this is Beth.”
Kaye gives the girl at the counter a stern look. Beth gets to her feet, her annoyed expression replaced with a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes.
“Very nice to meet you, Zara. Welcome to Yakeley. Thanks for choosing our dorm this year.”
Sliding a green laminated folder in Zara’s direction, Beth continues with her exaggerated niceties.
“Here’s a copy of the dorm’s rules and regs as well as the university’s, and a schedule of dorm meetings and events. The temporary entry key you somehow already got your hands on must be returned once you get your student ID. Your ID will be your access key. If you have any questions, I will be waiting at this desk until you are as comfortable as ALL your money can make you.”
“Beth!” Kaye touches Zara’s arm to motion her to follow her. “Come this way, Zara.”
Walking away from the desk, she continues, “I understand you’re from down south. I’m not hearing an accent. Were you raised elsewhere?”
“No, Ma’am. My parents felt an accent was not appropriate for their children so we worked to minimize our accent. Linguistics lessons at a young age helped and we were required to speak without the use of slang.” Zara’s voice dwindles off at the end as a look of consternation crosses Kaye’s face. Conversations with her mother about ‘outsiders’ come rushing back.
Using a technique her mother had taught her, she changes the subject, “Is there anything you might tell me about Yakeley Hall?”
Kaye smiles broadly, “Yakeley Hall is the only all-female dorm remaining on campus here at Michigan State. Built in 1948, there is no elevator or air conditioning. Of course, you will not have to worry about that.”
“Here we are. This is your room. I am going to let you get settled. If you need anything, Beth will be at the front desk.”
As Kaye walks away, Zara worries her social skills pale in comparison with the other students at Yakeley. Home-schooling and limited friendships to fellow community children had insulated her life.
The first thing Zara sees as she walks into her room is a vase overflowing with daisies. Just inside the door to her left, strings of beads form a white curtain. Tentatively, Zara runs her hand through them enjoying their tinkling tune and remembering her recent introduction to Chopin’s Spring Waltz, a piece Trudy and Charlotte loved.
Zara moves silently to the center of the room, spinning once in a tight circle. For a brief moment, she contemplates lying on the floor with her arms and legs stretched out to see if she is able to touch both sides of the room.
Zara is transported back to the beach house by the freshly painted walls done in light blue complimented by a twin bed resembling a big fluffy cloud with its oversized comforter and two puffy pillows. Along with the white dresser at the end of the desk, the room feels light and airy.
Zara moves closer to the desk noticing two matching black frames sitting on the corner of the desk to either side of the vase of daises. Zara picks up a frame holding a picture of her family.
Her mother had insisted on having a family picture taken at the beginning of the summer. All the other photos in their house are candid. Her father didn’t like the fuss of organized photo shoots. Actually, he often made it clear he didn’t see the point of pictures.
Never had Zara witnessed her mother so adamant about anything like she was when begging to take these family photos. She had been willing to endure a serious punishment for pushing Zara’s father to the point beyond what he would tolerate. In the end, there was both a punishment and a photograph.
Zara was touched to find it since she would be leaving behind everything as she began her new life with her Dom. Zara’s job would be to do what she was told when she was told to do it. Her mother had prepared her well for her new life.
The second picture is one from her nightstand of her and Sloane astride horses taken the first day of lessons.
Zara gently stroked the image of Sloane’s face, suddenly missing her friend and her family. Well, her brother. She missed Fredrik. Her parents… well… they are her parents and she loves them, but there was always a distance between her and her parents. She could not recall the last time either her mother or father had given her a hug, a stark contrast to Garrett’s parents who freely demonstrated their affection with bone crushing embraces.
Feeling her phone vibrating in her back pocket stops the futile attempt at recalling a memory of her parents that just doesn’t exist. Garrett smiles at her from the phone’s display.
“Hello.”
“How’s it going?” he inquires, uncertainty in his voice. A long silence follows as Zara nods but is unable to answer. “Zara, are you alright?”
“I think so,” she pushes out. Garrett sighs and she rushes on, “I am trying to be.”
“Zara, listen to me. If at any point you don’t want to be there, you call me and I’ll come and pick you up. Do you understand?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
“You belong in that dorm and at this school, Zara. Don’t be afraid.”
“Thank you. I… I will be okay.”
“Zara. Repeat what I said.”
“Don’t be afraid.”
“What else?”
“If I do not want to be here and want to leave… you will come and get me.”
“Right. I’ll check on you later,” Garrett says firmly.
Zara nods and in the space of dead air, Garrett lightly chastises, “I can’t hear you when you nod, Little One.”
Garrett hangs up and an alarming thought enters Zara’s mind. Where would she go if this doesn’t work? Would her family allow her to return after failing to complete the Circle Ceremony? Her father is on the King Council. Would returning home be an option without being the sub that she was raised to become?
An envelope sticking halfway out from under one of the pillows catches Zara’s eye. Picking it up, she stares at the handwriting, appreciating the casual flourish of the ‘Z’ in her name. Before she has a chance to open the letter, Zara’s notification goes off.
Recognizing Sloane’s number, Zara sets the letter down and reads the message.
Is this a safe time?
Zara replies smiling and nodding.
Yes. I miss you.
A moment later another text shows up.
Miss you too. What the hell is going on? I am worried sick about you.
While waiting for a response, Zara had looked out the window seeing a street lined with ancient maple trees. In a parking spot under one of those trees, a Jeep was sitting with the top down.
Is that Garrett? Is he still here?
Zara’s heart jumps into her throat. The alert vibrates again.
So what is going on? Details!
Zara quickly texts back saying she will call her in a couple of hours.
Grabbing her key from the desk, Zara heads for the door. She rushes out of the building, and then pauses. The trees she had seen from her room are not in front of her. Rushing around the corner, she repeats to herself, “Please still be there. Please still be there.”
When he recognizes her running toward him from around the corner of the building, he jumps out of the Jeep to meet her halfway. Zara leaps into his arms. Held in his tight embrace, she whispers into his neck. “Thank you for still being here.”
“Zara, I’ll always be here. I’ll never leave. I wanted to be close while you explored your room.”
“I am nervous,” she confirms.
“Let’s walk around campus and talk for a bit?”
Zara nods.
Taking her hand, Garrett leads her down the tree-lined street. He begins to speak in a low tone that requires Zara to block out all the other sounds to concentrate on his words.
“Everyone is scared when they come to school for the first time. I was terrified the day my parents dropped me off. But… I was also excited. My hope is that you have that same combination.”
Crossing the street, Garrett guides Zara down
the sidewalk toward a tall tower. A heavy aroma of flowers fills the air.
“This is Beaumont Tower. It’s a working bell tower.”
Zara stares up at the tower.
“It is beautiful. There is so much greenery, but I smell flowers.”
Garrett squeezes Zara’s hand, smiling, “It’s a plant lab.”
Throughout their walk, Garrett continues to enthusiastically point out the highlights of campus, the museum, library and Stadium.
Campus is definitely his favorite place.
Zara feels her hand slip free from Garrett’s moments before he steers her by the upper arm into a small opening in the thick vegetation.
“Zara… watch your step.”
Nodding, Zara marvels that she is standing at the top of three wide marble steps looking out over a spectacular garden. Lush flowers adorn a small pond with a quaint walking bridge over it. A chorus of birds brings the hidden garden to life.
Overwhelmed by the beauty, Zara turns to look at Garrett standing just behind her. “Sir, may I ask why this is referred to as the ‘plant lab’?”
“Garrett,” he chuckles and continues, “Beal Botanical Gardens. It’s the oldest working plant lab in the country. You seem enthralled. Shall we walk around the garden?”
“Si… That is not necessary. I appreciate you showing me this. I would rather continue your tour.”
“Okay. Another time.”
Leading her back out of the garden, Garrett points out locations recalled from his campus days, sharing short accounts of his experiences. Zara silently hopes she will find friends and make memories of her own.
“May I ask, where are all the students?” Having only seen a handful of people around campus, Zara wonders if she is missing something.
“Main student check in is on Saturday. Upperclassmen check in tomorrow afternoon.”
“But how did I get to check in? Will I be alone in the building until Saturday?”
Before Him Comes Me Page 7
