Before Him Comes Me

by Sure, Alexandria

  For Zara, the traditions and history of the King Council and the Community were unimportant. She knew from an early age that her life had already been predetermined. Asking questions and paying attention to the inner workings did nothing to abate her importance and in response, she quit prying. Sloane was the exact opposite.

  She was able to recite the history of the Community as well as the lineage of the regional community that both of them were from. It was not uncommon for Sloane to beg Zara to practice the Circle Ceremony when they were younger. For every, ‘I do not care about that’ that Zara would tell Sloane, she was bombarded with ten more facts.

  Zara often wondered why they had such a different outlook on their future and the role they each played. Both of their families were conservative and required precise adherence to all protocol, but whereas Sloane’s parents doted on her as an only child, Zara’s mother grew more distant the closer Zara’s Circle Ceremony came.

  Sloane and her mother were so close her mother had shared with her the details about life, as her father’s submissive. Zara’s mother, on the other hand, had given no details of life with her Master and Zara never sought that information from her. Watching her mother be ordered onto her knees was hard enough, witnessing her transition into her father’s slave leaving her and her brother to fend for themselves, was painful and confusing. She could not understand why her mother would choose to remain in that relationship.

  Never had there been a time when either of the siblings was in danger, but emotional abandonment during a moment of need was bewildering. Zara’s worst fear was that her father would pair her with a Master like himself and her life would play out like her mother’s. Every night, as Zara drifted off to sleep, she fervently wished for a freedom from her eventual commitment.

  The waving of Garrett’s hand catches Zara’s attention.

  “Hey, Little One. Tell me what you are thinking about.”

  Her hands tense in her lap and she scans the carpet in front of her. Zara begins to share the thoughts that had taken her away from the here and now, “I was thinking about my parent’s relationship.”

  Feeling him staring at her, she knows he is waiting for her to continue. “I was raised by Master/slave parents and thinking I do not know much about them. In my parent’s house, everything belonged to my father, including my mother. There would have been no chance that she could have assisted in picking out furniture.”

  Zara looks at the table that brought about these thoughts of her parents.

  Garrett stands and walks to the table, resting his palm on it, “Is that the type of relationship you are hoping for?”

  “No,” she answers tersely.

  “It occurs to me that you and I have never discussed what it is we would like in a marriage. You are clearly not interested in a Master/slave relationship.” He pauses and leans closer to her. “The million dollar question is, are you a submissive?”

  “I was raised to be a submissive.”

  “That wasn’t the question.” Garrett leans in until he is only an inch from Zara’s ear and breaths. “Are you a submissive?”

  Zara takes a deep breath to calm her rattled nerves intensified by his scent of cool mint, summer breeze, citrus and crashing waves all dancing around her senses.

  “Being a submissive is all I know about myself,” she begins slowly. “That is what my place in my family has always been.”

  “I disagree, Zara.” Swallowing hard, Zara looks at Garrett as he continues, “I know that you enjoy learning, your friends, the color pink, music and experiencing new things. You have not been submissive since we met.”

  Zara works hard not to smile, but she cannot halt the blush flushing her cheeks. Feeling Garrett take her chin in his hand, she lifts her eyes to his.

  “Little One, this is your time to explore. Find yourself. Discover what it is that excites you. But do not discount all the parts of you that worked in harmony before you entered that Circle. I certainly never will.”

  His hand leaves her chin and Zara holds his gaze for a moment longer before searching for something else to occupy her line of vision. “I like the water. Being at the beach was magical. The sound of the waves crashing on the beach. The smell. I loved it.”

  “Excellent. The beach it is then.”

  Sitting together in a comfortable silence, Zara replays what Garrett said; how his touch made her feel. Soft sweet piano suffuses the room. He turns to look at her as he takes a drink. A smile lights up his face.

  “You asked me a question and I have not answered it,” Zara confesses.

  “It doesn’t seem you are ready to answer it yet.”

  “I… I…”

  “How about we put that question on hold for now?”

  “Thank you,” she whispers, swallowing.

  “Little One, I’m not pleased by the circumstances but I have enjoyed spending this time with you. I was planning on emailing you to invite you to spend Thanksgiving break here if you hadn’t already made plans. The dorms get rather empty during the break.”

  Zara nods, taking a long drink from the water bottle.

  Thanksgiving. So… this is it. We are not going to see each other until Thanksgiving. I am sitting in the house that I would have lived in as your submissive and I am going back to school to be a regular student. Am I submissive? Zar… are you? I am going to miss everything about him.

  Chapter 19

  “Well… look who is doing her very first walk of shame. I am not even going to ask how you have fresh clothes. BHAHAHAHA… I am totally going to ask but let’s wait for Lil to get out of the shower so you don’t have to tell the story twice. She is going to want the deets too. Coffee shop outing or dorm room? Your choice.”

  “Coffee shop,” Zara states, entering her own room, and shutting the door. She flops on the bed and buries her face in her pillows, not ready for the questions the girls are going to fire at her. How do you tell your friends that the man you are in love with wants you to take time to explore and figure out what you really want?

  Sitting up, Zara begins to pull herself together for the pending knock on the door. She ponders how she is getting everything she ever wished for but now is not sure she is ready to live the dream. Perhaps, if she had known there was a possibility of her wishes coming true, she would have been more careful about what she wished. Falling for Garrett had not been part of the plan.

  Zara closes her eyes and tilts her head back. She sifts through her thoughts for ‘her plan’. A long-suppressed memory of becoming a doctor rears its ugly head but Zara shakes her head to send that fantasy back to its rightful place in her childhood stories. The uncomfortable truth is, there is no plan. Her only wish had been to be free of the Circle Ceremony. College had been too far out of the realm of reality to hope for.

  All this opportunity and all I really want is Garrett.

  Zara hesitantly opens the door after continuous knocks from Ella.

  “One minute, please.”

  She walks over to her desk and picks up the frame with the picture of her and Sloane. She was no longer her confidant. Removing the picture, Zara put the frame in the drawer and slipped the picture into one of the colorful boxes at the bottom of her closet. Picking up her key, phone and backpack, Zara joins the girl in the hallway and shuts the door behind her.

  “Wait… Z. Are you sure the coffee shop is the right place? Are you okay? You seem sad as fuck? Swear to GOD, did he hurt you?”

  “El, please let Zara take a moment and talk to us. She looks tired but fine. Would you chill for a moment? I have spoken to Garrett and so have you. You know he is not going to hurt her. FUCK… CHILL!” Liliana scolds as she continues to walk down the hallway. Zara follows behind not ready to be in the middle yet.

  The walk to the coffee shop is silent. Zara knows they are waiting for her to relax and just start talking. Liliana gets in line to order the coffees while Ella tells Zara to follow her to the back of the shop to save the comfy sitting area. Zara does as she is t
old and takes a seat on the big purple sofa. Looking around, she decides this will be her study hall for the day.

  “Here we go, Freshman. Veranda with half and Splenda.” Liliana hands her a cup.

  Looking down at her coffee, Zara takes a deep breath and squares her shoulders, knowing they are waiting out of concern. “He wants me to take the time I need to explore who I am and what it is that I want before I make the choice to settle down with him.”

  Silence.

  More silence.

  “Wait… so let me get this straight…”

  “El!” Liliana interrupts in a warning tone.

  “I know, Lil! I know. He came and picked you up last night. I presume he took you to his house… yes?!?”

  Zara nods.

  “You spent the night together,” she continues, stressing the word, “and today he tells you that he wants you to take the time to ‘find yourself’ and decide what you want?”

  Zara squirms in her seat. “We did talk last night and this morning but I slept in a room he set up for me.”

  She takes a sip of coffee to hide the embarrassment of having to talk about such things openly.

  “OH! Well, that’s different. A room set up for you? You have a room in his house? I assume there are clothes for you in the room–”

  Liliana interrupts her. “Z, how do you feel about the whole ‘time to explore and find yourself’? I know for a fact that you have feelings for him. It seems like he is intending for you to date. Is he seeing other people while you are exploring?”

  “I don’t know. He says that he is stepping back for a while to give me space to enjoy college life. Garrett has provided everything I will need but says right now I should focus on discovering who I am.”

  “He is older. Maybe he is looking for a wife and wants to make sure you are ready for that kind of commitment. Zara, he is definitely into you.” Ella reaches over and places a hand on Zara’s knee.

  “It says a lot that he has a room in his home for you. I’ve never heard of that before. That has to make you feel special. And let’s not forget the necklace that you hold every time you think about him.”

  Zara nods as she glances down to find she is grasping the pendants.

  “Well, maybe Garrett is right and it is time for you to experience college life. Now… Lil and I have a head start on most of this and can help. I say you jump in with both feet and see where you land. What do you say?”

  Eyes wide and taking a big swallow, Zara forces a smile, “Thank you, Ella. I think I am ready to do this.”

  Both Liliana and Ella start laughing. “Freshman, there’s no way you’re ready to do this but I like your optimism. First up, striptease class. It is great exercise, but more importantly, it’s fun as hell. Someday, whether with Garrett or some other guy, you will WOW them with the moves you’ve learned while staying in shape. What do you say?”

  Liliana puts her hands up in response to Zara’s dubious expression. “Z, if you hate the first class you never have to go back. It was not for me so do not feel like you have to do it.”

  “Lil… you didn’t even give it a chance,” Ella whined.

  “I would like to try it,” Zara states as the two hall mates begin bickering back and forth. That stopped them in their tracks.

  “Ready to go back?” Liliana asks.

  “I think I am going to stay and do some reading here,” Zara replies, setting her coffee on the table in front of her and picking up her backpack.

  “Freshman, are you sure? You know there is a massive study session planned in the dorm later in the great room. You don’t want to go explore for a while with us?” Ella says lightly in a concerned voice.

  “Ella, I will be alright. I am going to read a couple of chapters and then head back over. I like it back here. The couch is comfortable and they offer refills,” Zara says with a big smile attempting to convince them she will be fine.

  “Do you have your phone?” Liliana questions firmly.

  Zara lifts her phone out of the outside pocket of her backpack and lays it on the arm of the sofa.

  “If you get hassled by anyone or if you need anything, call us. I know you are going to call Garrett and you should but we are closer and can get here in minutes.”

  “Fucking A… Lil! It’s Starbucks. What the fuck is going to happen to her at a Starbucks? You’re going to creep her out. What is wrong with you? This is usually my area of expertise. We totally need to pick contact pictures to save in your phone for each of us. OMG… the pictures from the game turned out so cute. The ones of you and Garrett are adorable.” Ella stops talking and Zara can tell by the look on her face that she feels badly for bringing him up again.

  “I would very much like to see them. If there is one that is really cute of the two of us, I have a frame ready to go.”

  Ella is all smiles. “We can go through them tonight. Your walls are in need of pictures and the first football game is the perfect place to start. Okay, Freshman, we are going to leave you to your reading. Check in with Mother Lil every so often so she doesn’t fret.”

  “Yes, Ma’am.”

  “You are so obedient. I like that about you,” Ella says as she and Liliana walk toward the front of the coffee shop.

  Sighing, Zara leans her head back against the sofa and closes her eyes.

  If you only knew.

  Sitting alone, Zara pulls out her Biology textbook and stares into space. After only a moment, she reaches for her journal. Knowing that the only way to purge her thoughts of Garrett and concentrate on her studies is to express them, Zara finds the next blank sheet and begins to freely write.

  Garrett,

  When I’m with you everything inside me comes alive like a thousand butterflies waiting to fly. In your arms, I feel safe like I’ve never felt before. Once I am there I have a difficult time when my time is up. Although, our traditions say I should never look into your eyes, I find myself drawn into a warm abyss wondering if I will ever find my way back.

  The thought of not seeing you or talking to you is breaking my heart. I will miss everything about you. I hope that you will miss me too. Please miss me too.

  Zara closes the journal and returns it to her backpack. Though Garrett will never read it, Zara feels connected to him writing it.

  Smiling to herself, she flips to the beginning of chapter three and begins her assigned reading.

  *****

  Wanting to share the golden beauty of the autumn day with Garrett, but knowing she should not call him, she jots down a note in her journal once she has her coffee and is settled on the sofa in the back of the coffee shop.

  My walk through campus was absolutely breathtaking this afternoon. The changing colors have altered the landscape and I have finally fallen in love with your college. The carpet of fallen leaves makes the best crinkly sound with every step. The girls laugh because of my excitement in seeing what is to come next.

  Midterms went very well. I have decided to take a heavier schedule next semester to challenge myself. Unfortunately, I do not know what I want to major in yet. The advisor says that it is normal and that I should continue to take basic classes.

  Eight more weeks… I miss you.

  *****

  Waiting for her study group to arrive, Zara pulls out her journal. Taken aback by the length of time since her note to Garrett, Zara quickly shares her big adventure of the morning.

  I rode the bus by myself today. I wanted to get a Halloween costume for a party that we were invited to but the girls were busy. At the last minute, I decided to just hop on the bus alone. YAY!

  I’m excited about the party. It will be my first Halloween party. Garrett, there were so many costumes to choose from. I was going to wait and come back with the girls so they could help me. But, I decided I needed to pick one on my own. I am going to be a cowgirl. I love the outfit and it even comes with a cowboy hat.

  Can you believe I did that?

  Enjoying the sense of accomplishment, Zara remembered the l
ast time she felt this way was this same time of year. Her parents had hosted several King Council members for dinner on Halloween. The evening was high protocol, which meant nothing for Zara as the Evans family lived every minute that way. But for her father it was on opportunity to showcase the training of his daughter, as Zara was required to serve.

  Because it was intended to be a business dinner, their slaves and submissives were left at home. Zara’s mother was positioned at her father’s side the entire evening. Without clues or corrections, Zara navigated the meal flawlessly. She recalled falling into her bed fully clothed, completely exhausted.

  Her mother walked into the room and closed the door behind her. Sitting on the bed, she spoke excitedly, “You performed beautifully. I am so proud of you. Not one misstep. Not one. Two of the councilmen complimented your father. Right there! Right in front of me!”

  “Sorry, I’m late,” Ollie announces jolting Zara from her thought.

  She smiles up at him, still thinking about her mother.

  “Can I get you a refill?” Ollie asks as he slides his bag on the chair adjacent to the sofa that Zara has claimed. “Hey, I beat Nina?”

  “Umm… NO! And I already have the coffee,” Nina states triumphantly.

  Zara giggles as she slips her journal in her backpack and exchanges it for her notebook.

  *****

  So, I went on a date last night. A guy who works at the coffee shop asked me out. The girls grilled him for an hour before he was given permission to take me out. He was very friendly and polite. He wasn’t you.

  I miss you more now than I did before I went out with him. Eleven more days until I get to see you. I wonder if you are missing me half as much as I am missing you.

  Zara sips her coffee as she looks at the words on the page. They look almost as awkward as the date felt. Garrett wanted her to have the experiences of a normal college student.

  Are first dates uncomfortable and strange for all normal college students?

  Liliana had warned not go out with the coffee guy. Now, sitting in the back of the coffee shop and him in the front, the awkwardness continues.