Before Him Comes Me

by Sure, Alexandria

  Zara places the knife into Garrett’s waiting hand. All eyes are on the cake as he makes the first cut and slides the knife through the four layers of cake and frosting. When the first piece hits the plate, she remembers the ice cream. She goes to get it and finds Garrett is gone when she returns to the table.

  Once her guests have their cake and ice cream, she makes a plate for Garrett. Not big on ice cream in this weather, Zara returns the ice cream to the freezer. She smiles at Viv’s comments to Branden about the cake being far superior to his last attempt.

  Just as Zara takes her first bite of cake, Garrett walks back in the room.

  “Guys, I need to talk to Zara.” He takes Zara by the hand and leads her toward the den, away from his friends.

  Zara stiffens at his strong grasp on her hand, wondering what is amiss.

  Over his shoulder, Garrett says, “Branden, I need you to make a couple of calls and wake some people up now. Intel is on your phone. Viv, check your phone too.”

  Garrett walks past the den into his bedroom.

  Something is off. Why is he not looking at me? Why is he bringing me to his room?

  Zara sits on the edge of the bed as requested. She takes a deep breath when he kneels in front of her and takes both of her hands in his.

  He pauses, staring at their hands woven together.

  Something is wrong. What did I do? Have I displeased him?

  The lack of eye contact leaves her searching the top of his head in hopes that he will look up and meet her gaze.

  When Garrett finally does reward her with eye contact, she realizes the magnitude of the problem.

  In a clear but quiet voice, Garrett begins to shed light on the situation.

  “I have some very sad news to tell you.” He paused. “This morning at about 11am, your mother passed away. I just received a call from my dad and I do not have all the details for you yet. I am sorry. I do know it was cancer.”

  Zara whispers in disbelief, “My mother passed away?”

  My mother passed away.

  “Branden is arranging a flight. I will get you down there as quickly as possible. You are in a unique situation, as you are not collared. Therefore, you have every right to return home and participate in the services without seeking permission. Zara, your father is not happy with the thought of you returning to the house. The suggestion was made for us to stay at a hotel, but he indicated that would be a further embarrassment for him. I have not spoken to him directly…”

  My mother passed away.

  “Little One, are you hearing me?”

  Zara nods.

  “How did she die?”

  Garrett wipes the tears away that have started to slide down Zara’s cheek. He softly answers, “It was cancer. I’m sorry, I don’t have any more details at the moment.”

  My mother is gone. I never fixed things between us. She never knew–

  “Zara Faith, your father is not going to allow Fredrik to interact with you. He has put his foot down on this. I am so sorry. You will see him at the service but that will be all.”

  Zara is quiet for a moment. “Garrett, would it be okay if I lay down? I know that we have guests–”

  “I think they will understand. Why don’t you lay in my bed for now.”

  My mother passed away.

  Chapter 27

  Waking in Garrett’s arms, Zara feels warm and safe and does not move right away. She breathes him in and focuses on the place where their bodies meet, his arms across her shoulder, his thigh touching hers. She opens her eyes to find his are staring back with concern. In that moment, the horror of her reality comes rushing back.

  “My mother,” Zara whimpers, unable to get more words out.

  Her eyes close as the renewed pain morphs into racking sobs muffled against Garrett’s chest. He makes no attempt to move, just continues rubbing her back waiting for the pain to ease.

  As the tears begin to subside, Zara pulls back but Garrett catches her face between his hands and searches her eyes. “There is my beautiful Zara Faith.”

  New tears begin to cascade from Zara’s eyes. She does not speak and focuses on Garrett, clutching at the strength behind his eyes.

  *****

  Hours later, the monotony of tires over pavement has not soothed Zara’s broken heart. Tears continue to course down her cheeks as Garrett holds her close.

  “I am so sorry, Zara.” He holds her tighter and Zara wrap her hands around his neck. “I am right here. I am not letting you go.”

  Tears of exhaustion take over.

  *****

  Zara awakens to familiar smells. Blinking her eyes open, Zara discovers she is in her old bedroom at her parent’s house.

  “Motherrrr!” Zara screams at the top of her lungs. “Motherrr. MOTHERRRRR!”

  Garrett runs into the bedroom and flies onto the bed next to Zara. He picks her up from where she lies and cradles her in his arms.

  “Shhh… I have you. Little One, shhhhhh.”

  “Garrett, my mother is dead. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t tell her I loved her. I didn’t tell her I was sorry for not getting collared.”

  He nods and places an open bottle of water to Zara’s lips. He instructs her to drink and they sit together until she finishes the entire bottle. Then he tells her to go take a shower and brush her teeth.

  “I will be right here when you are finished. You can climb right back in bed. I promise.”

  On autopilot, Zara gets off his lap and walks into her old bathroom. She turns on the shower, undresses and stands vacantly under the water. Tears mix with water and run down her face.

  At some point, Zara realizes the water was turned off for her and a towel had been wrapped around her. She is guided numbly out of the shower and dried off. When a big tee shirt is slid over her head, Zara smells Garrett.

  He lifts her and carries her to the bed, gently lying her down and covering her up. He does not say anything as he lies down next to her and wraps her in his arms.

  The tears that had begun hours earlier continue in silence.

  I cannot believe that she is gone. I cannot believe she died before I could make things right. I didn’t get to tell her how important she is to me. We just never talked. I am so sorry, Mother.

  Garrett says nothing, letting Zara live this horrible moment.

  Zara recalls the conversation she had with her mother the day of the Ceremony. She had said that Garrett was the one and that Zara needed to trust the traditions and, more importantly, trust herself. Trust herself. At the time, the words went in one ear and out the other.

  Zara had been moments from the walk up the white carpet to her new life. She had not understood what her mother was saying and did not question it either. It was the last conversation Zara had with her mother.

  Zara remembered the look on her face when she stood up with Garrett’s assistance. Shock had dawned in her eyes that he did not present Zara to the Community with a new collar. He had not made her his sub and she had walked from the Circle her own person.

  The tears slowed again. Garrett moves to get up but Zara pulls back with a shake of her head. He just smiles gently and lies back down.

  I need you. I need your strength. I need your care. I need your protection. I just don’t know from what yet.

  The room is dark and there is no sound but breathing. Zara wishes for music. She had gotten used to the sound of music. Music did not care when school was miles away or when the beach was not near. Music crossed all barriers.

  With clear eyes, Zara looks around. This is her parents’ home. This is no longer her bedroom. She realizes she hadn’t looked around to see what had been changed in the months since her departure. It occurs to her that she no longer cares. Her home was miles from this place.

  After some time, Garrett whispers for Zara to close her eyes. She is not looking at anything in particular so it does not matter if her eyes are open or shut. It does not feel any different with them open. It does not feel any different wi
th them closed. Either way, Zara’s mother is gone.

  Zara feels Garrett stir. She opens her eyes and is surprised to find the room is light again. He is sitting next to her on the edge of the bed and in his hands is something she never thought she would see again. Garrett is holding her favorite mug, a gift she had received for Christmas years ago from Fredrik.

  When Zara had opened the present, he had said she should have a bigger mug so she would not have to keep getting up to refill it. He had been twelve when he gave her the mug. It had been a proud moment for him. Later, Mother had explained that he had saved his allowance for quite some time to be able to purchase the gift. She had even offered to give him the money, but he proclaimed this was his gift to his sister so he would pay for it himself. Zara had loved it when she opened the box and loved it more after hearing the story behind it.

  Zara does not want to drink any coffee. She does not want to eat any food. She wants to hold that mug in her hands again and go back to that time, a time when her mother was present.

  A time when she is talking.

  “Drink… please. I need for you to eat something,” Zara took the mug but did not drink.

  He reaches behind her and brings out package of crackers and works them open. Zara wants to shake her head no but does not have the strength. A cracker is put to her lips.

  It is the worry in Garrett’s eyes that parts Zara’s lips and she takes the cracker he places on her tongue. The relief that shows in his eyes is worth the thump she feels in her stomach.

  As the cracker dissolves in her mouth, Zara remembers the last meal she had prepared in this house with her mother. One of the aspects of her training was to learn to cook.

  Two nights before the Ceremony, Zara was to make dinner for the family by herself. She was moody. Her mother came to her room twice to tell her to begin the preparations. It was unusual for anyone to not jump when told to do something in that house because there would be swift repercussions for insubordination.

  The ramification for hesitation was severe. Fredrik and Zara were never abused. At least they did not think they were abused. Each of their punishments was different in nature. Zara was isolated, sent off to think about her actions. In isolation, she would have to kneel in the position that would become the norm in her future role as a submissive.

  Fredrik did not speak of his punishments, but there had been occasions when Zara could hear him yell out in pain. She knew he was hit, but she had never asked him about it and he never volunteered any information.

  That night Zara was to make her father’s favorite, chicken parmesan with garlic sauce and lasagna. Both dishes were labor intensive and took effort for her to recall the ingredients and steps to prepare them.

  When she was caught using her phone, Zara attempted to explain that she was referencing a note to make a portion of the full recipe. Her mother was furious. Zara knew just how angry she was because during her ranting of the importance of knowing how to care for your Dom and yourself, her mother’s acquired southern accent slipped out, something she worked hard at hiding.

  That had been the story of Zara and her mother’s relationship. She was a slave. Zara was the daughter of a King Council member that would be given to a man who had been selected by a group of men, who, like her father, knew nothing about her.

  Zara looks up to find Garrett is looking out the window deep in thought. She wipes her cheek on the back of her sleeve and watches him. She looks at his profile. She loves the way his hair always looks like it is two weeks after a haircut. She loves the way she can tell what he is thinking by looking deeply into his eyes. She loves the way he is always there for her, from the smallest request to getting her down to be with her family during this horrible time. She loves him.

  How is it possible, in the middle of grieving for Mother, that I can decide that I am madly in love him? I am in love with you, Garrett.

  As if sensing her attention, Garrett turns and looks at her. Finding sadness in his eyes, Zara cannot resist crawling onto his lap to press as close to him as she can. As he holds her tightly, Zara feels his face press into her hair.

  “Thank you,” Zara says in a clear voice that holds a trace of sadness but no tears. She feels him nod his head in her hair. “What is it, Garrett?”

  He lifts his head and pulls away from her to stare into her eyes. A slight smile finds its way across his face. “You said my name. You never say my name. In fact, you go out of your way to avoid having to call me anything. Will you say it again… please?”

  “I will say it as many times as you ask if you will tell me what is on your mind, Garrett.” She says his name with a bit of a tilt of her head. Without thinking, a small smile finds its way to her lips.

  The smile on Garrett’s face slips away. “I was sitting here thinking it is my fault that you and your mother were not speaking. I should never have gone against the traditions of the Community and offered you a way out.”

  “A way out?” Zara’s eyes fill with water and fresh tears slide down her face. The tears are not for the passing of her mother, but due to the realization that Garrett had intended to get out of collaring Zara. On the same day she figures out she is in love with Garrett, she finds out he does not want her as his submissive. She tries to flee his lap, but his hold stops her from going anywhere.

  “No, Little One, we are not finished talking. You do not get to run off because you think you heard something that you did not. I have never given you any reason to think I do not intend to meet you in that Circle. You asked me what I was thinking and I was telling you. Please allow me to be as open with my thoughts and feelings as I hope you are with me.”

  Zara sits looking at him. She does not try to move. Instead she wraps her arms around his neck to remove the distance between them. She holds Garrett tight knowing she needs him, but more importantly knowing she wants him too.

  There is a soft knock at the door. Garrett unwraps her from his arms and whispers that he will be right back. She shakes her head and tries to hold on.

  Please. No. Nothing feels worse than when you put me down. Please. No.

  “Zara. I will be right here. I am not leaving you. Let go, Little One,” he says, his voice firm.

  Unwrapping her arms and placing her on the bed, Garrett steps to the door and opens it. He uses his body to block whoever knocked from seeing Zara as well as to prevent them from entering their space. Zara blocks out the conversation. She lies down on the pillow and closes her eyes, not to sleep but to make sure no part of the world creeps in.

  Garrett shuts the door and gets back on the bed. He stretches out beside her and gathers her into his arms.

  “We weren’t close.” Zara’s words make Garrett tense and hold her even tighter. “The night she told me that you had chosen me, I made her so angry I thought she was going to strike me. I was a disappointment to her.”

  “Little One, you could never be a disappointment to anyone. You were never a disappointment to her.” Garrett’s words were what anyone would say. Zara wishes she could believe him but the look she had seen on her mother’s face at the Circle Ceremony told a different story.

  “I always thought I would have time.” A tear slides down Zara’s cheek. Garrett does not respond. He rubs his hand in a small circle on her back. Those are the last words Zara can force out. She is no longer hysterically crying, but instead a steady flow of tears run from one eye over her nose to her other eye. Garrett does not say anything else. He just gently holds her and rubs her back.

  “I didn’t get to say goodbye,” Zara says sadly.

  “Let’s go do that then.” Zara wipes the tears from her face as Garrett continues, “The service is scheduled for the day after tomorrow. There is a visitation scheduled for tomorrow. Your father has made all the arrangements. Your mother is at the funeral home. Let me take you there right now and you can say goodbye.”

  Zara nods feeling light-headed. Garrett stands and pulls a green pullover sweater from the closet.

 
“Arms up, Little One.”

  Raising her arms, Garrett slips the pullover over Zara’s head and pulls it down. Zara takes his hands and lets him pull her to her feet. Garrett leads the way out of the bedroom and down the stairs.

  Sitting in a chair next to the window is her father. He stares outside never turning to acknowledge his daughter or the man holding her up. Garrett urges Zara to step toward the door. When she looks up into his face, she sees something that she had never seen before.

  Is Garrett angry?

  He opens the front door and standing at the curb in front of a black SUV is the older man who had driven them to the airport the night of her failed Circle Ceremony. He stands somberly with his hands crossed in front of him. Garrett leads Zara down the front path to the vehicle where the man opens the back door.

  “Thank you, Peter.” It is the first time Zara hears Garrett speak to anyone in what feels like days.

  As she steps into the SUV, Zara is surprised to find Mrs. Dawson inside waiting. Seeing her, Zara burst into tears all over again.

  Garrett climbs in and sits beside Zara. Although they sit thigh to thigh, Zara feels like they are miles apart.

  Within a few minutes, they reach their destination.

  I am not prepared for this. I have disappointed her. I am not ready to say goodbye. I never fixed it. I never made it right. I failed my mother.

  The door opens from the outside on Mrs. Dawson’s side.

  Garrett takes Zara’s hand and says softly, “Little One, we can leave whenever you are ready. If you decide you don’t want to go in, that’s fine too. I’ll be right here waiting for you.”

  Suddenly cold, Zara begins to shake all over.

  “Hey. Hey. My mom is going to go with you.”

  She wraps herself around Garrett as much as possible.

  “Please. Don’t leave me. I cannot do this without you,” she whispers hoarsely.

  “Garrett, please bring her inside. She needs you right now. I will deal with them.”

  Garrett opens the door on his side and Zara accepts his assistance out of the car. Mrs. Dawson stands at the curb and holds out her arms as Zara approaches.