Turned Away

by Carol Matas

I’m not sure that I have told you the circumstances we Jews live in these days. We were ordered to hand in our radios, then they disconnected our telephones, and then it became illegal for us to leave home between 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. And all the lawyers were arrested — all Jewish lawyers, that is. Papa was spared, but we aren’t sure why. So you see, chère Devorah, why my mind wanders back to happy times.

  Maman has confined me to the house when I’m not at school. We eat only the scraps that are left over in the few shops we are allowed to buy from, and with Papa unable to earn, we live on savings. I must admit I’ve turned into quite an accomplished piano player! With nothing else to do I practise all the time and am ready for my concert tour. I could never imagine such hardship happening here in my dear Paris, but it has. The packages your dear mother sends, even though infrequent, are such a help. Not only do they give us something to barter with, but just knowing that someone cares for us enough to go to all that trouble lifts our spirits so much.

  Remember me with kindness, dear one, and try not to blame me for my miserable writings.

  Love,

  Your Sarah

  I cried after I read that letter. I feel so frustrated and helpless. There seems to be nothing I can do to help her. I know I’m only eleven, but the adults don’t seem to be able to do anything either. And I can’t even write to her regularly because it is so hard to get mail smuggled to them.

  Makes my little tumble in the concert seem silly now. I see why Mommy didn’t take it seriously. With Morris and Adam and all of her family in France in real danger, a daughter tripping couldn’t seem that important.

  May 21

  The British want to send up to 1000 planes at a time to bomb Mannheim, Germany. Did I write here that Adam is now a Flying Officer? Oh I wish I could be up there flying beside him! If we could only defeat Hitler right now, he and Morris would be safe and so would Sarah!

  May 24

  I’ve had to buckle down and study this past week. No movies this weekend, Mommy says. Exams next week and I’m a bit behind. Elizabeth has offered to help me study, which is very nice of her considering I’ve been spending much more time with the TO’s than with her.

  May 26

  This in the paper today! HONG KONG LIVING CONDITIONS IMPROVE.

  The paper said that reassuring news had been received concerning living conditions for military and civilian prisoners of the Japanese in Hong Kong. It said that conditions had been very bad — I dread to think! — but rations have improved and even some medicines have been provided. And mosquito nets have been supplied.

  I can’t stand the thought of Morris and Isaac suffering like that with no medicine or anything to protect them from the mosquitoes. If only we could hear if they are all right. I never want to say this out loud, but we don’t even know if they are alive. There, I said it. I’ve been thinking that for so long now. Morris could be dead and we wouldn’t even know it. There have been some families informed of deaths there, but we all know that with so little information … He could have died from starvation or disease or been murdered by a Japanese soldier!

  If only we could have all been born at a different time, a time when there was no war and the only thing to worry about was getting good marks at school and things like that. Speaking of which, Elizabeth has been coming over to study every night after dinner. Mommy gives us a treat just before she goes home, hot chocolate and cake or cookies.

  May 27

  Forgot to mention that yesterday cuts in tea, coffee and sugar were announced. I’m not too bothered. It doesn’t seem very important compared to everything else.

  June 1942

  June 1

  The entire city of Cologne in Germany was bombed, almost totally destroying everything and everyone there. All those people killed. But I can’t feel sorry for them even though I suppose I should. Because if they hadn’t blindly supported Hitler, well, he wouldn’t have made this war, right? When I grow up I’m going to be very careful who I vote for and I’m never, never, going to just believe any old thing from my leaders. It’s up to us to make sure these things don’t happen, isn’t it? Maybe I’ll become a politician. I could. Girls can do anything now; the war has proven that.

  I do feel badly about all those people. I do. And yet I’m so mad at them all. But the children aren’t at fault, are they? I wonder how our boys feel? Do they feel sad about having to kill people, even children? They must. But they know that if they don’t do it, it’ll be their families who will be killed next.

  June 4

  Anna Neagle is coming to Winnipeg! It’s hard to believe such a famous movie star is coming here in person, and guess where? The Uptown, right around the corner! AND, Daddy says that if I buckle down and study, he’ll take me. There are going to be two plays and in between an air cadet tableau — it’s to support the cadets. And there’s going to be the RCAF band and an orchestra!

  I’m going back to study now. Don’t expect to hear much from me for the next few weeks. The TO’s also have to finish up the work we are doing in schools so it’s going to get pretty busy!

  Mommy and Daddy are going to hear Louis Armstrong next week. Elizabeth is going to sleep over to keep me company, and we’ll study.

  June 6

  A thousand planes attacked the Ruhr factories — the largest attack in history, the paper says!! And more good news — the Americans crushed the Japanese fleet when they tried to take Midway Island in the Pacific. Swell, swell, swell. We’re beating them, that’s what I think!

  June 11

  Britain and Russia have signed a pact. That has to be a very good thing.

  June 12

  Exams are over and I did really well! I got mostly As and two Bs. Today were our closing exercises and I got a special award for good citizenship because of my work on flags from the U.N. and the work we did on the flyers for the TO’s. Mommy and Daddy were very proud of me. And I get to go to the Anna Neagle show!

  Mr. Joseph gave an inspiring speech about the war and how we have a duty to the whole world to fight for freedom. He talked about the sacrifices that so many families in the school had made, losing sons in the fighting, or having them captured and having to live with the uncertainty, but said that we were all part of the war and we all had to sacrifice and suffer together. I could hear Mommy sniffling beside me, and most of the women had their hankies out by the time he was finished. I felt like crying but I didn’t. Elizabeth was sitting beside me and I never would have heard the end of it.

  June 15

  ADAM IS COMING HOME ON LEAVE!!!!

  In fact, by the time we got his letter he was already on his way!

  June 23

  Tonight we went to the concert. I know I haven’t written but the house has been in chaos since we heard about Adam. Every single person we know has been calling and Mommy has been shopping and I’ve been helping her with the baking and the cleaning. As if Adam will care if there’s a speck of dust in his room. I doubt his living quarters are that nice!

  The concert was so wonderful. Miss Neagle was an inspiration. It was magical and even took my mind off Adam’s arrival.

  I don’t think I’ll sleep a wink tonight. Adam is coming in by train and gets here at 1 p.m. Daddy has cancelled all patients and Auntie Adele and family are meeting us at the train station. So is Baba Tema.

  June 24

  Woke up this morning to the horrible smell of oil! They have poured it all over the fields, which are just down the street from us, of course, and I know they need to do it for the mosquitoes, but did they have to do it the same day Adam’s coming home?

  Later

  Adam is here! I was the first one to spot him at the station and I ran like crazy and jumped up on him and hugged him so hard he even screamed! And then Mommy and Daddy and everyone else hugged him and everyone cried and it was such a wonderful moment I’ll never forget it! Never, never!

  And now that he’s home I keep looking at him and staring as if I can’t believe my own eyes. He looks so diffe
rent. All grown up and older and very handsome! He’s only going to be here for seven precious days though! Then he’s going to speak at air force bases in Ontario and then back to England.

  June 25

  Adam was on the front page of the paper today. A big article on all his exploits and a picture and everything! I tried to get it to paste here but Mommy put her foot down. She’s getting it framed!

  We’re having a big party for him tomorrow with the entire family coming and then the day after another big party for all his friends who aren’t overseas. Mommy made a brisket for dinner and a huge chocolate cake for dessert and she used real sugar — she didn’t even care about rationing.

  After dinner we asked him about what happened when his plane went down and he told us how brave Rachel is and how she’s in the Resistance and how bad it is in France right now. Germans everywhere and people getting picked up off the streets and how many Jews are being sent off.

  Mommy made him go to bed early and get some sleep, but before he did he came into my room and tucked me in. I hugged him so hard it made him squeak!

  “If your other flyers could hear you now,” I teased, “they wouldn’t think you are so brave.” Then my eyes filled up with tears and I begged him, “Don’t go back! Stay home with us!” and I threw my arms around him again. He kissed me on the forehead and then he said, “You know I can’t do that, Devvy. Can we let Hitler get over here? I know I might die. But if we don’t beat him we’ll all die.”

  “You mean all Jews?”

  “You bet I do.”

  “I know you’re right,” I said. “I want to do something too.”

  “But you are. The TO’s are wonderful! You’ve written to the prime minister. You’re just a kid. You don’t need to do any more than that, Devvy.” He paused. “Well, maybe one more thing.”

  “What?”

  “You need to be brave. Something could happen to me or to Morris.”

  “Don’t say that!”

  “But it’s true. I face it every time I go up there.”

  “Aren’t you afraid?”

  “Terrified.”

  “How do you do it?” I asked.

  “I don’t know. The rituals, I suppose. Go through the same thing before the mission, and I remind myself why. And I’ll tell you, Devvy, after being in France and seeing those Jerries first hand, well, they’re a nasty bunch, that’s all I can say and I think about that and that gives me the courage.”

  “Do you think Morris is all right?”

  “He may not be the toughest guy in the world but he’s smart. He’ll figure out a way to stay alive if it’s up to him. But Devvy, sometimes it isn’t. It’s in God’s hands.”

  “God? God wouldn’t let any of this happen,” I said indignantly. “Maybe He doesn’t even exist.”

  “I think He does, Devvy. Sometimes I’m up there in the clouds and flying high, looking at a sunset or at the sea beneath me and I swear I can see God all around. And when your mates put their life on the line for you and you see that kind of goodness you know He’s there.”

  “But what about all the badness? What about Sarah? She might get killed because our country won’t let her come here — for no good reason. Where’s God then?”

  “He’s still here. But not everyone remembers He is.”

  “You’ve changed,” I said.

  “You too,” he grinned. “You’re a little lady.”

  I blushed and he kissed me goodnight.

  June 26

  YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED TODAY!!!!!

  I FLEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  I’ll try to start at the beginning although I’m still so excited I can barely calm down enough to write. Mommy had a big Hadassah meeting she couldn’t miss and Daddy had his patients he had to see, because he’s still catching up from taking the whole day off when Adam arrived, so Adam and I were left on our own. Mommy called school and told them that I wouldn’t be in because I’d be spending the day with Adam. Daddy gave Adam the car and suggested we take a drive out into the country, maybe to the beach. So we decided to go to Winnipeg Beach for the day. But after Mommy and Daddy left, Adam got a call from a pal who is training airmen at Gimli, asking if he could come up for the day and show the young men a few tricks. Adam agreed and told me we could still go to the beach after. Honestly, I really didn’t care about the beach, I just wanted to be with Adam and I told him so. Anyway, we drove up there in about an hour and a half. Mommy would have had a heart attack seeing how fast Adam drives! Haha. I loved it!

  When we got there we met his friend John Peters. And that’s when it happened. Adam looked at me and suddenly said, “Well, Dev, want to go up with me?”

  He pointed to the plane standing on the runway. All the trainees were gathering round. John took off his jacket and gave it to Adam.

  My heart was in my throat and at first I couldn’t get any words out. “What say you, Devvy?” he asked.

  I nodded, still unable to speak, not sure if it was pure fear or pure excitement or what I felt.

  John grabbed one of the smaller fellows and commandeered his jacket for me. It came all the way down to my knees. I was also given a hat that covered my whole face just about and I must have looked pretty silly when I followed Adam to the plane. He hoisted me into the seat behind the pilot’s, strapped me in, then scrambled up, and called over his shoulder telling me to sit tight. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it might explode right out of my chest and make a horrible mess and embarrass Adam.

  I can hardly describe what happened next. The noise was so loud and we started to move and then we were up in the air. We flew up high and then came buzzing in right over the men waiting and then Adam started to weave and swoop. I think I was screaming most of the time but he just ignored me and I didn’t mean it. I didn’t want him to stop. Never, never have I experienced anything like it.

  The main thing I noticed was just what he had said to me. Maybe that’s why he took me. It was so beautiful. The sky was blue and there were little clouds and the ground below was green and I suddenly realized what Adam had been talking about when he talked about God. You just don’t think or understand how much of a miracle this world is. How did it get made? How does it grow? How does life exist? Why? Why are we here? We’re so busy living and taking for granted that we’re living, but we never stop and think about how strange, how odd, how truly amazing it is that we live and we talk and we think, that we exist! And how truly wonderful it is.

  I don’t understand it at all but after being up there with Adam I have to think he’s right. Maybe the bad people are like, well, like a good piece of cheese that’s gone mouldy. There’s nothing wrong with the cheese, but something goes wrong and it turns bad. There’s nothing wrong with people, but something goes wrong, and people do very bad things.

  When we landed Adam had to carry me off the field and sit me down in the grass for about a half hour while he talked to the troops and I recovered! By the time he was done I’d stopped shaking. On the drive home we agreed it would be our little secret. Mommy is never to know!

  June 30

  Adam left today. I haven’t written since our day out because it’s been so busy. Every night a party. Mommy and me cooking like crazy. And then Friday was the last day of school. And Adam came to the flag ceremony and everyone cheered and cheered him. I was so proud!

  When we saw him off I could hardly bear it. I didn’t cry though. No one did. We knew it would be too hard for him if we did. Mommy warned me yesterday and we all managed to wave cheerfully as he left. But in the car on the way home I cried my eyes out. Mommy looked like she’d like to kill someone but I’m not sure who.

  While he was here there was an article in the paper about three missing airmen from Manitoba and he knew all three. He feels bad being away from the fighting. He’s going to Ontario to talk to the troops and then back overseas. Mommy packed a huge box of chocolate for him and his friends, and cookies and some new decks of playing cards.

  July
1942

  July 2

  Rationing is really and truly here now. Sugar ration cards were handed out today. And people have been hoarding for the last ten days knowing the cards were coming — including Elizabeth’s mom, although I’d never tell on them. If I did they could be fined $5000!

  Elizabeth and I are going to see The Gold Rush tomorrow. Can’t wait.

  July 3

  It was so funny!! So funny!! Ate too much popcorn. Stomach hurts!!

  July 5

  Tomorrow I leave for camp. After Adam left it was a mad rush to get ready. I needed to buy all the supplies myself because Mommy was so behind in her Red Cross and Hadassah work that she had no time. Marcie and I did it together. Almost the entire TO’s group will be at camp, everyone except Mollie. Elizabeth is jealous and can’t believe that I’ll be doing something fun while she’s stuck in the city. Daddy had to put his foot down about my going. Part of me wanted to stay home in case I could do something for Sarah, but Daddy says I’ve done what I can and I need to get away and that not having me here will help Mommy get more of her work done so I have to go, and so I am!

  More from Winnipeg Beach tomorrow!

  July 20

  I don’t know where to start. I’m so sorry, dear diary, for forgetting you at home. I’m going to write down as much as I can about the last two weeks so I’ll be caught up. It’s mid afternoon and I’m sitting in the backyard. Elizabeth is coming over in an hour or so. Daddy picked me up at the train station because Mommy has a tea today. He’s gone back to work.

  Camp was wonderful, swell, sensational and altogether the best thing in forever.

  I had my first kiss!

  Joe kissed me on the last day. He kissed me right on the cheek. Don’t know what I ever saw in Paul. Joe is so much cuter! If only he didn’t live in the north end. But we are going to the movies together — well, us and all the TO’s. Marcie thinks I’m acting like a fast girl, letting Joe kiss me, but I think it was nice and I’ll ask Mommy what she thinks tonight.