The Dumbass Demon

by Gary Jonas

I held up my hands in surrender. “I can’t escape this fucking seatbelt,” I said.

  “Magic your way out,” Kevin said.

  “I don’t know how.”

  Apollo grabbed Kevin and threw him at Michael. “Have a little demon,” he said, but Kevin flew right through the vampire and tumbled down the aisle.

  Helen kicked Apollo in the groin.

  Apollo stared at her a moment, then shook his head.

  “Well,” she said, “with a target that small, a girl is bound to miss.”

  I just wanted it all to end. Air hissed through the window. Apollo yelled as he charged Michael.

  Vampires are strong.

  Gods are stronger.

  Apollo caught one of Michael’s punches, dropped down and jerked Michael’s arm sideways, breaking it on one of the chair armrests. I tried to reach over to help, but I was too far away.

  He rose and stomped Michael’s leg, snapping that, too.

  Michael crumpled to the floor.

  “Men!” Apollo yelled. “Get up here!”

  The sound of splashing water filled the cabin, and a moment later, four naked men with sharp teeth walked down the aisle.

  “Now those men have cocks,” Kevin said.

  “Put the vampire in your tank,” Apollo said.

  The shark men picked Michael up and carried him away. I heard another splash, then a loud thud. The naked men returned.

  “Anything else, sir?”

  “Eat the demon.”

  “Yes, sir,” one of the shark dudes said. He reached for Kevin, but his hands went right through.

  “Told ya,” Kevin said.

  “You think you’re funny?”

  “Naw, just inedible.”

  “Never mind,” Apollo said. He turned to look at me. “Maybe I should have the Mako Clansmen feast on you.”

  “What did I do?” I asked.

  “You didn’t get rid of the damn demon like I told you to do.”

  Apollo wasn’t bluffing. His narrowed eyes and furrowed brow told me he was seriously pissed.

  I tried to talk calmly and kept fumbling with the seatbelt. “If you’ll walk me through it step by step, I’d be only too happy to get him out of my life. He’s been a pain in the ass the whole time he’s been around.”

  “Aww,” Kevin said. “I thought we were friends.”

  “You’re the wizard,” Apollo said.

  “What difference does any of it make?” Helen asked. “I need another drink.”

  “You need to shut your mouth,” Apollo said to her.

  “Take a chill pill, dude,” I said. “She’s drunk.”

  “That makes her dangerous.”

  “And don’t you forget it either,” Helen said, stabbing her finger at the air. “I’m really dangerous.”

  “All the more reason to be nice,” I said.

  “Can we eat him, boss?” the shark dude asked, licking his lips as he nodded toward me.

  “Hold on,” I said. “This isn’t fair. What did I do to deserve getting eaten?”

  “You tried to step in when I slapped Helen.”

  “Hitting women is wrong. Yeah, I know, she’s not a woman to you, but I go with what Billy Joel says so the way I look at it, she’s always a woman.”

  “I love that song,” Helen said.

  “Billy Joel is awesome,” I said.

  “I would sleep with him,” Helen said. “I should call him to me.”

  “You’re in an airplane right now,” I said.

  “Yes, it would be hard for him to get all the way up here. Men could just swim to me when I sang ships onto the rocks…” She stopped and glanced toward the cockpit a moment, then smiled.

  “What are you smiling about?” Apollo asked.

  “Just thinking about the good old days,” she said.

  Apollo shrugged. “I feel like all I can do is shake my head at the sheer stupidity of everything happening here. Maybe I’ll just wipe the slate clean and start over in New York.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  “I’ll just toss everyone out of the plane.”

  “Including us?” the shark dude asked.

  “I’ll survive the fall,” Kevin said. “Let’s do it.”

  “I won’t survive,” I said.

  Kevin grinned. “No worries. We both know what that means. Maybe my demoness will take me back.”

  “Can everyone please just shut up?” Apollo shouted.

  Everyone went quiet.

  Kevin farted.

  “Sorry,” he said. “Well, not really.”

  The shark dude waved his hand in front of his face and backed off. “Holy shit, what did you eat?”

  Kevin winked at him. “You don’t want to know.”

  “That’s disgusting,” Apollo said.

  “Yeah?” Kevin said. “You swing both ways, right?”

  “What?”

  “You’re happy sleeping with men or women.”

  “What does that have to do with anything?”

  “But you don’t sleep with demons.”

  “Of course not.”

  Kevin stood up, turned around, let loose another nasty fart and waved it toward Apollo. “So here’s a little whiff of what you’re missing.”

  Apollo backed up several steps, waving his hand in the air before his face. He glared at me. “You have to get rid of this creature!”

  “Teach me how!”

  “Don’t raise your voice to me, you worm!”

  The stench from Kevin’s ass assaulted my nostrils.

  “Good God in heaven, man!” I tried to bolt from my seat to get away from the aroma, but that motherfucking seatbelt wouldn’t fucking budge. My eyes watered. I had to get out of there before I puked all over Helen. The seatbelt finally gave way and I flew forward, crashing into Apollo. He shoved me away.

  And then it reached Helen.

  Her face contorted. “Ewwwwww!” She scrambled out of her seat, staggered into my arms.

  “Hi, cutie,” I said.

  “Don’t even think it.”

  “I wasn’t thinking anything.”

  The shark dudes kept backing away. Apollo, Helen, and I moved away, too.”

  “Get that demon out of here!” Apollo said.

  “Good luck with that,” Kevin said. “I’m locked and loaded for another shot. Anyone want to come into range?” He wriggled his ass at us. One more blast from that little ass-monster and we’d be goners.

  Apollo shot energy bolts from his fingers at the windows. They shattered, the glass flying out of the jet.

  Alarms went off. Wind screamed. Oxygen masks dropped from overhead.

  We all darted for them and the respite they offered. It was every person, god, or entity for him or herself.

  Oxygen never smelled so good.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  “This is your captain. Is everyone all right back there?” the pilot asked over the intercom. “We appear to be losing cabin pressure.” His voice was calm, as if asking for the time of day. Alarms kept sounding. The wind roared through the broken windows, but they were too small for anyone to be yanked out of the plane.

  We kept breathing with the oxygen masks.

  “Windows!” I yelled to be heard over the wind.

  “Hang on while I air the plane out,” Apollo let go of the mask, and walked over to Kevin, who still grinned.

  “Consider yourself demon non grata,” Apollo said and forced Kevin through one of the broken windows.

  “Wait! That’s not fair!” Kevin said as he tried to crawl back inside the plane.

  “Say goodbye,” Apollo said and waved. The glass reformed in the windows and the rush of wind ceased.

  I kept the mask on for a minute while the oxygen levels normalized. Then I moved to the window. Alarms stopped wailing.

  “This is your captain again,” the pilot said, voice still calm. “Pressure seems to have normalized. Feel free to walk around the cabin again.”

  How did he stay so chill?<
br />
  I looked out the window. Kevin clung to the wing.

  I gave him a wave, but he flipped me off.

  Charming little demon.

  Now the flight attendant rushed into the cabin. “What happened?”

  “Nothing to be concerned about,” Apollo said.

  “Where’s the cute brooding man?” the flight attendant asked.

  “He’s taking a bath,” Apollo said. “Make yourself useful and bring us some drinks.”

  She grumbled under her breath. She clearly wasn’t used to being treated like yesterday’s garbage.

  “A drink would be wonderful,” Helen said.

  “Oh, I don’t think so,” Apollo said. “Waitress, no more for the lady. She is officially cut off for the duration of the flight.”

  “Don’t be an asshole,” Helen said. “I need more drinks to put up with your shit.”

  “You’ve had quite enough.”

  “Enough of you.”

  A cracking noise toward the center of the plane caught my attention. The shark dudes heard it too, and moved to the window over the wing. Kevin pushed through the window and climbed back inside.

  “Hi guys,” he said. “Want to go for a swim?”

  “We won’t fit through the window,” one of the shark dudes said.

  Kevin patted him on the shoulder. “Must be your lucky day. Want to play skunk again?”

  The shark guy looked like he was going to cry when he turned toward Apollo. “Boss?”

  Apollo sighed as Kevin walked down the aisle toward us.

  “You’re like a bad penny,” Apollo said.

  Kevin took a bow.

  The shark dudes behind him jumped to the sides in case he was taking aim for another blast.

  The flight attendant returned with drinks. She gave one to Apollo, one to me, and one to Helen.

  “I told you none for her,” Apollo said.

  “Fire me.”

  “Insolent bitch,” Apollo said and snapped his fingers.

  She froze in place and her skin tone paled as she turned to marble.

  “I don’t think that’s what she meant,” I said.

  Apollo spun to face me. “You want me to destroy you, too?”

  “Not so fast, Sparky,” I said. “You don’t want to lose a slave.”

  “I can get another.”

  “Cool your jets.” I moved past him and walked around the statue of the flight attendant. “Is she dead?”

  “Not exactly,” Apollo said. “She’s trapped in a moment, solidified. If I choose to release her, she’ll be stiff for a few days, and will need to drink a lot of water.”

  “Then set her free,” I said.

  “Why should I?”

  “Because you showed her you were all-powerful, now you can show her that you’re merciful. She’s dealt with a lot on this short flight, and she doesn’t deserve to die.”

  Apollo considered that. He rubbed his chin. “I don’t know.”

  “What’s to know? If she’s a bitch to you again, you can always turn her into another statue.”

  “That’s true.”

  “Come on,” I said.

  “Fine,” he said and snapped his fingers.

  She instantly gained her color back and went limp. I caught her before she hit the floor.

  “It’s okay,” I said. “You’re going to be all right.”

  She responded by opening her eyes, blinking twice, then passing out.

  I picked her up and nodded for Apollo to move. I carried her to the center of the plane where another longer sofa stretched along one side. The shark dudes kept their distance and simply watched as I laid her down on the cushions.

  “Let me know if she wakes up so I can get her some water,” I said.

  “Uh, okay,” one of them said.

  Good. Unless Apollo directed them to eat me, I didn’t have to worry too much about them. They needed orders, and provided Apollo didn’t overrule me, they were willing to take them from me.

  Kevin gave me a little golf clap. “How heroic,” he said. “Don’t expect her to sleep with you, though.”

  “Shut up, Kevin. I’d like all of us to survive the flight to New York, and you’re not helping.”

  He shrugged. “Not part of my job description,” he said and tried to trip me.

  I stumbled, but caught myself on a seat. “Dickhead,” I said.

  He grinned.

  Apollo stood with his arms folded as he tapped his foot. “Now you need to get rid of that damn demon.”

  “Give it a rest,” I said. “He’s not hurting anyone.”

  “I don’t like him.”

  “I don’t like you either,” Kevin said.

  I sighed and looked out the window. We were finally over dry land. This flight couldn’t end soon enough.

  “How about this,” I said. “We can all just take our seats, close our eyes, and nap for a bit. Napping is good.”

  “I hate your song,” Apollo said.

  “Did I ask what you thought of it?”

  “No, but I volunteered the information.”

  “So don’t listen to it.”

  “They play it almost as much as they play my song.”

  “I’m not trying to steal your thunder.”

  “Your song sucks.”

  “I think you already said that.”

  “Everything you’ve ever tried to do sucks.”

  “Careful, you’re starting to sound like a semi-hip version of my father.”

  “Does it bother you that I don’t like anything you do?”

  “I thought you liked the guitar work I did on your song.”

  “You didn’t do that guitar work. You used a magic pick infused with the blood of a hundred brilliant guitarists from Jimmy Page to B.B. King.”

  “I used the same pick on my song.”

  “But you wrote your song. You and your stupid naps. You really would like to nap your life away.”

  I nodded. “That’s right. Can we do that for a bit right now?”

  “I’ve half a mind to throw you out of the plane.”

  “I hope the other half is telling you not to.”

  “You keep challenging me, and I don’t like it.”

  “Dude, I’m really not challenging you.” I held my hands out in front of me. “I just want to get to New York in one piece.”

  “Leave him alone,” Helen said. “He’s not going to put up any kind of fight. You can insult him all day long and he’ll just take it. I think that’s one of the things he does best.”

  Apollo shoved me into a seat and approached Helen. “So now you’re defending a mortal?”

  “I don’t care about him,” Helen said. “I’m just tired of you bitching about everything like a spoiled little girl.”

  “I own you, Helen.”

  “I need another drink,” she said and moved toward the little kitchenette by the cockpit.

  “That’s the last thing you need.”

  “The last thing I need is to listen to your sorry ass,” she said as she poured a drink.

  Apollo got up and went to Helen. “I said you’ve had enough,” he said, his voice low and menacing.

  “I’ll say when I’ve had enough.”

  Apollo slapped the drink out of her hand. It crashed against the wall sending shattered glass, rum, and fruit juice flying. Helen turned to make another drink, but Apollo grabbed her. He jerked her around and pulled back a clenched fist. I vaulted from my seat and tried to tackle him.

  The co-pilot opened the door to the cockpit. “Everything okay out here?”

  “Hello, sailor,” Helen said. “Care for a swim?”

  Apollo’s eyes widened as he realized what Helen was doing. “Don’t.”

  “You can’t stop me,” she said. Her voice took on the same compelling quality it had at the club.

  The co-pilot hesitated. “So does that mean things are okay?”

  “Jerry, get back in here,” the pilot said. “Clients get rowdy sometimes.”
/>   “Sure, boss, but these folks aren’t trying to join the Mile High Club.”

  “Close the door and sit,” the pilot said.

  Helen grinned. “Go sit down, but leave the door open,” she said in a sing-song voice.

  The co-pilot’s eyes glazed over and he took his seat.

  Helen’s song turned into a dirge, and she directed it at the pilots.

  “Stop that,” Apollo said.

  She kept singing.

  “I said stop it!” He tried to pull back to hit her, but I yanked him off of her and tried to pin him down.

  He was too strong.

  He hurled me into the kitchenette. I crashed into metal shelves, sending plastic cups, napkins, and silverware clattering around me. A stack of plates fell on top of me.

  Through it all, Helen kept singing.

  Her voice soared.

  Apollo moved toward her, but he didn’t take a swing.

  She kept singing and he dropped to one knee.

  He covered his ears.

  The plane tilted and a cart filled with cans of soda slid out of a cubbyhole to bump into me.

  I shoved it back into place as I tried to sit up. A box of sugar packets fell on me. A salt shaker tipped over and rolled off to land in front of me.

  And the plane went into a steep dive.

  “What the hell?”

  My ears rang as her voice went up to an inhuman octave.

  “Are you trying to be Mariah Carey to call all the dogs in the neighborhood out to play?” I asked.

  She kept singing and the plane engines whined in a high-pitched howl as we picked up speed.

  And it finally dawned on me that she was a siren. And what did sirens do? They called captains of ships to their doom. A pilot was a captain, too.

  We were going to crash and burn.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  The plane hurtled toward the ground. Automated warnings sounded in the cockpit. I struggled to get up. Helen had the cockpit door propped open with her foot. Through the window, I watched as we plunged through the clouds and the patchwork quilt of the ground spread out before us.

  “You’re going to kill us all!” I shouted.

  She didn’t stop singing.

  The co-pilot dropped to the floor.

  I tried to step around Apollo and over Helen to get into the cockpit, but one look at the pilot told me he was lost in a trance. He focused on the ground and aimed us toward certain doom.

  Apollo would survive.