by Nina Manning
I looked down at my hand. I could almost still feel the pressure from Ivy’s beak where she had been pecking not so long ago. In the thirteen years I had spent on this earth, I had never known death. I had never owned a pet, not even a goldfish. We had lived in a pokey little flat before we came here; I was never even allowed to bring the pet hamster home from school. Mum was not really an animal person, she had never really warmed to any of the creatures on the estate or the surrounding fields, and she would skirt around the hens when she came out of the back door.
Me, however, I had made a connection, I had found a love for an animal that I would never have thought in a million years could intrigue me and enchant me the way Ivy had.
I felt my throat grow fat and my nose began to burn. I refused to cry amongst the claustrophobic atmosphere of the circle. I needed to be away.
‘Oh dear, oh dear,’ came Josephine’s voice.
‘Such a pity, such a lovely little hen,’ Chuck echoed.
I turned and began to run, back to the safety and security of our little cottage. As I ran, I stumbled a few times, but the running released the tears and my face was soaked. I could hear the words that Caitlin had muttered from the outbuilding once more: You’re the one who needs to be careful.
But I knew once the tears had dried, I would still be left with an aching for a small dead feathered creature. I would have to deal with the aftermath of my feelings, the sadness that I knew would turn to anger, or worse still, thoughts of revenge, and how one day, who knew how long from now, I would have to get even with Caitlin.
19
London, September 2009
Three weeks until the wedding
* * *
Caitlin wants to have a party. It is three weeks until the wedding, and she has just text me to tell me I need to hire a venue for a pre-wedding meal.
It feels like the sort of thing rich American families do in movies, and I have to admit, it feels a bit too wedding-y for Caitlin. But I rise to the occasion and begin to organise what feels like an impossible task. I wonder what Caitlin could possibly be cooking up and why she is suddenly so keen to have all her family and friends congregated at a swanky London venue just before her wedding day? But more to the point, will I be able to get a venue booked for next week?
I begin frantically ringing around, dropping in the Miller and Anderton name, occasionally swapping that for the Clemonte family name to see if any of those would sway the venues into giving us the run of a place for one night. Luckily money is no object for Caitlin and Chuck, but unfortunately for us, money is also no object to the people who had booked out the first three venues I called. Finally, on my fourth call, I am able to secure the venue using Caitlin’s bank card. I leave it to them to call me back later with a food and drinks menu and then begin ticking off the final things on my bridesmaid’s duties list.
It is Oscar’s Friday to have Immy. Kelly had dropped her round earlier and when Oscar arrives home, Immy and I are already immersed in pizza making. I can’t keep the smug smile from my face as Immy rolls out the home-made pizza dough. The work surface is littered with all sorts of ingredients to keep her little hands busy. Oscar smiles at my efforts. I know he is still cut up about my rejection, but I remind myself that in just a few weeks it will all be over and I can explain everything to Oscar. And hopefully he will understand.
When Immy had come rushing in and bundled straight into me when Kelly dropped her off, I gave her the tightest squeeze and realised how lucky I am to have both her and Oscar in my life. Suddenly, the thought of a life without them brings a wave of despondency and an overwhelming urge to cry. But I know that first cascading tear will be followed by a tsunami of emotions I can’t explain to anyone just yet.
‘The venue’s all booked for next week,’ I say to Oscar as Immy spreads tomato sauce onto the pizza bases.
‘Like this, Sash?’ she says.
‘Like that, Immy, perfect.’ I look at her little face of concentration as she smears the sauce around in an almost perfect circle.
‘Great!’ Oscar says in the voice he uses when he isn’t really that interested in anything I have to say. Specifically if it has anything to do with Caitlin. He has grown less and less keen on Caitlin as the years have gone on. Apparently, he doesn’t like the way she seems to rule my life, and that I go running at the click of her fingers. And he is right, of course. I wish I could tell him that he will be free from all of this soon, that he will no longer be affected by my need to appease Caitlin.
I push the cheese Immy’s way and tell her to sprinkle it over the sauce, then she can choose her toppings.
‘Yes, it is great,’ I say to Oscar, picking up the conversation again. ‘I think it will really cheer her up – she needs to have a blowout. She’s been so bogged down with everything recently, especially since Josephine died last year. It was like she had lost her mother, you see – Ava never was much of one to her.’ I don’t know why I feel myself still trying to account for Caitlin’s behaviour. I’ve been doing it for so long, it’s built into me.
‘I know, Sasha, you’ve told me many times what a terrible person Ava is. You know my thoughts, I don’t know why you’ve kept so close to Caitlin all these years. Surely it was a childhood friendship that should have ended in childhood.’
I shake my head at Oscar, but he doesn’t realise how much I agree with him.
I bought a new dress for the pre-wedding dinner because the venue is a swanky wine bar with a huge private dining area below with its own bar, and with the extra money I have made from the Roxy job this month, I feel I deserve it. Caitlin has invited thirty guests but not everyone can make it at such late notice, so it’s only Chuck, three of her work colleagues, two old school friends and their partners, her parents, Ava and Maxwell, her twin brothers and their partners, her auntie and uncle and their adult-aged daughter, and Oscar and I who complete the list of attendees.
‘It was the best I could do at such short notice,’ I say to Caitlin her expression hardening into a stare as she watches everyone settling themselves.
I think I hear Caitlin mutter a thank-you, but I can’t be sure. Just hang on a few more days, just a few more days, I tell myself.
‘Jesus, it’s a bit dark in here,’ Oscar says to me too loudly as he walks past on his way back from the toilet. The lighting is low and intimate, but I like how it brings an edge to the whole affair, not a speck of sentimental wedding vibes here tonight. I hope Caitlin appreciates my efforts. I watch intently as Caitlin sips her champagne, not knocking it back in the way she had done in the summer after her dress fitting, when I had seen her more drunk than I had done in a long time.
Her younger brother, Troy, walks past and I grab his arm. ‘Hey,’ I say. ‘Long time no see.’
He smiles the same goofy smile he had as a little kid. His hair is still dark, albeit curly, and with those feminine high-cut cheekbones, he has an air of Ava about him.
‘Yeah, Granny’s funeral, wasn’t it?’ He pushes his black NHS glasses up the ridge of his nose. I think they’re more ironic than prescription. Abel is on the other side of the room and glances nervously at me, but I know he won’t make any effort to chat. Troy was the twin that came out of childhood relatively unscathed.
‘I’ll catch you at dinner?’ I say.
‘Absolutely.’ Troy winks and wanders off to his fiancé.
There are to be four courses, but as the food starts to arrive, I become more anxious with each bite, unable to concentrate on the way the food is presented so beautifully, but rather watching Caitlin intently, observing how much she is drinking and monitoring her behaviour. I’m still suspicious over her reasons for booking this do at the eleventh hour. It could be typical spontaneous Caitlin wanting a last-minute pre-wedding dinner, or it could be something more sinister. After Ava had told me about the mystery guest, which I could only presume is someone Caitlin’s invited, I am becoming more speculative about any extra surprises Caitlin might be bringing to the wedding day. An
ything else she might do, say or drop on me and the rest of the wedding party, could spoil my plan. For once, I just want to look like I have the upper hand, that I am in control. I need Caitlin to be able to recognise that I have done something good. For I have sworn it will be the final time I will need to care.
As I leave for the toilet between the second and third course, I come face to face with Chuck. He grabs my arm and pulls me around the corner where a dark corridor leads to a fire exit.
‘What are you doing?’ I hiss.
‘Just getting away from it all,’ Chuck says. ‘Don’t you sometimes feel it’s all too much?’
‘Not having second thoughts about marrying into this crazy family?’ I take a peek around the corner, checking we’ve not been followed.
‘Of course. Every day.’ Chuck smirks and leans in close. ‘I wish they could be simple like you.’
‘Are you calling me simple?’ I cross my arms.
‘I could never get away with calling you such a thing, you’re far too clever, darling.’ Chuck leans back against the wall. ‘We’ve had a good time though, haven’t we, old girl?’
I nod. We have. I don’t want it all to end. But as soon as Chuck says those vows, everything will change. Nothing will ever be the same again. I wonder if he can feel the weight of what’s to come? If he senses the change as much as I do?
‘But you’ll be happy with Caitlin, won’t you?’
Chuck smirks and for a moment I’m not sure he will say yes. Eventually he nods. ‘Believe it or not, she makes me happy. And I her.’
I look down at my feet and nod. ‘Of course you do. You two are made for each other.’
Chuck is a good man with a good heart, despite the secrets we’ve shared for so long. I hope Caitlin treats him with the love and respect he deserves.
‘Look, we need to get back before we’re missed.’
‘Sure, sure, I’ll go first.’ Chuck pushes himself away from the wall. He leans in and pecks my cheek before he walks away casually, his hands in his pockets.
I swallow down the lump in my throat, take a deep breath and lift my head to stop the tears.
I arrive back at the table a few moments after Chuck. I see Caitlin raise her head and look at me for just a second, but in that look I see something, a fleeting moment of doubt, maybe? Yet, she still manages to remain emotionless. I slide in next to Oscar and ask after his third course, which has just arrived. Oscar is happy, and I risk a glance across the room towards Chuck, who is in conversation with Caitlin’s cousin. As though he can feel the weight of my stare, he looks up for a brief second and catches my eye. We hold eye contact for another second, and I drop my gaze. I put my arm around Oscar.
‘Eat up, babes, don’t let it get cold. Everyone’s fine,’ he says. He points to the room with his fork. ‘You’ve done a great job, a-gain, organising this at such short notice. Proud of you, babes.’ He plants a kiss on my cheek, right in the spot where I can still feel the warmth from Chuck’s lips.
After our third course has been cleared, I hear the familiar sound of a teaspoon gently tapping the side of a champagne glass. I look up and the dread hits my stomach. Caitlin is standing up and looking very much like someone who is about to make a speech. I look over at Chuck, who flashes me a look that says he doesn’t know what’s going on.
‘Hello, everyone. Thank you all for coming, and I just wanted to say how absolutely spectacular you all look. You really have pulled out the stops at the last minute – I cannot wait to see you all in two weeks’ time. I want to say a little something, and although I am going against all traditions, and therefore could jolly well speak up at the wedding dinner, breakfast, whatever you call it – if I chose to, I’ve decided it would be better if I say my little piece now.’ Caitlin moves her champagne glass into her other hand and takes a long sip before continuing. ‘I want to say a few words about my mother.’
To the undetected ear, she could sound as though she were ready to give extreme praise, but I heard the way the tone of her voice went down when she said mother.
Everyone’s eyes are on Ava, smiles on their faces, but I can’t work out which ones are real or fake. Ava looks perfectly composed, the way she always does when all eyes are on her. Just like her daughter, she disguises her emotions perfectly for a crowd, but I’ve witnessed the other side of Ava. The side she can’t hide behind closed doors, where all her emotions are plastered across her face. It was no wonder Ava wasn’t keen on having Caitlin and I being friends because even as a young child I picked up on that vulnerability. I look at her perfectly composed face and wonder how fast her heart is beating beneath the black shimmery dress.
‘Mother.’ Caitlin turns her body to face Ava, who is situated at the other end of the table to her left. I see Ava shift ever so slightly. It is such a subtle move that no one else will have seen it, but because I have spent so many years studying her, I am in tune with the slightest move, the slightest reset of her body that others wouldn’t notice. Ava is feeling uncomfortable.
‘My mother, everyone.’ A small round of applause ripples around the table.
Caitlin bows her head and waits for the applause to die down before she continues. ‘My darling mother, who brought me up, who showed the ways in life. I know you will all know that my mother and I have not always seen eye to eye, and I know that sometimes she often wishes that I was another daughter entirely.’ Caitlin laughs loud and haughtily, and there’s a slight ripple of sniggers.
I look across at Ava, her face stone-like as she waits for Caitlin to continue. The room feels too hot and I pour myself a glass of water and drink some down. In my ear to my left I can hear Oscar mumbling about Caitlin needing to hog the spotlight as usual.
‘Mother, mother, mother. What would we all do without our mothers, eh? My mother, Ava, whom you all love and adore, lost her own mother recently. And I lost my grandmother, who was so very dear to me. Since that day just over a year ago when Josephine left this earth for another place…’ Caitlin looks down as though mourning the loss all over again.
Oscar makes a scoffing noise to my left and everyone’s eyes are on him momentarily as he manages to morph the scorn into a cough.
Caitlin links her hands in front of her. ‘… it has made me realise the true value of love and what happens to us when we lose that love, when that love is cruelly taken away from us. Granny was old, but she still died too young. And I miss her every day.’
‘Is she going to break into song?’ Oscar whispers.
‘Shh,’ I hiss back at him. Under normal circumstances, Oscar’s comment would have made me laugh, but I can only feel terror as I look on, helpless to what Caitlin could say next.
‘It has been a terrible year for me, without Granny, and I only wish she could be here today and in two weeks’ time when I marry Chuck. But I hope, Mama, that things have got better for you recently, that things are looking up. I’m marrying our dear family friend, and I hope the dream is now complete for you and you have everything you ever wanted and needed.’
I take a small intake of breath as I hear Caitlin’s voice break on the final word. I wonder who else has noticed. Ava opens her mouth slightly as though she is going to speak but doesn’t say anything.
‘Where is she going with this? This is car-crash viewing,’ Oscar hisses again.
I can no longer stand the suspense. Who knows where Caitlin is going with this. I know I need to wrap things up. I pick up my champagne glass, stand up and boldly say to the room, ‘To Josephine!’ and no sooner have the words left my mouth that the entire table stands up with glass in hand and a loud echoing out of sync, ‘To Josephine,’ erupts around the table. Everyone then quickly settles back down in their seats and a gentle hum of conversation begins. Caitlin is the last woman standing, a strained look is exchanged between mother and daughter before she sits down. Chuck places his hand on Caitlin’s and begins talking quietly in her ear; I imagine he is asking her if she is okay.
I’m not sure if the others p
icked up on the tension between Ava and Caitlin, or the hidden meaning behind Caitlin’s words. Or even that shocking break in her voice, something I have never seen or heard before. I hope diverting the attention to Josephine did the trick. Aside from the tension between Caitlin and Ava that has always been there, I can feel something else brewing. Caitlin showing the slightest hint of emotion only adds to the notion that changes are happening in more ways than I think. Like the loosening of a very tight knot that has once been so tightly bound, the secrets of what went on that summer night in Saxby are about to come unravelled.
20
Saxby House, Dorset, April 1990
We sat at the edge of the swimming pool, our feet dangling in the water. Caitlin and I were in our costumes, feeling more and more like women with our expanding chests and curvaceous hips. Caitlin’s body had changed more than mine, but I tried not to show my envy.
Josephine walked around the main garden, picking flowers and putting them in her trug. I had just had my fourteenth birthday, and I was feeling like a proper adult. Caitlin and I had just enjoyed a week of relaxing over Easter and she was here for another ten days before she had to return to London and school. Things had been going really well. We had both started our periods at the end of last year, just months apart, and so now we had so many more things to connect us.
The travellers had gone and come back. Maxwell had tried to feign some anger and frustration, but he knew as long as we stayed away from them and vice versa, no harm could come of it. Caitlin didn’t seem to be bothered, which helped the dichotomy that I was always feeling when the travellers were here. Part of me wanted to befriend them and didn’t see the harm in them, the other part of me had become fiercely protective over Saxby; I considered it my home, and Josephine, Caitlin and Chuck my family.
