by Nina Manning
‘Hey, Sasha,’ he said, and came and sat down next to me in the spare stripy deck chair. ‘How are you?’ he rubbed at his face and turned to look at me. ‘Do you want to talk about last night?’
I shuddered and felt my shoulders freeze. I wasn’t sure I wanted to discuss it. It only brought home the differences between Chuck and I, how he was from a different world to mine.
‘You didn’t want Ava to see me with you, did you, Chuck? That’s why you pulled me into the outbuilding?’
Chuck looked down at his feet. ‘I guess, I don’t know. It’s just that my parents and Caitlin’s parents have always seen me as the guy who will one day marry Caitlin. I just didn’t want Ava seeing us walking alone in the dark.’
‘But you wanted to walk alone in the dark with me?’
‘I know, and I did. I like you, Sasha. Very much.’
I felt my cheeks redden.
‘And I’m sorry I ran off and left you in the outhouse,’ he continued. ‘I just thought it would be a good idea once Ava had passed us that we left separately. It would have looked even more dodgy than just walking, coming out of the outhouse together. Don’t you agree?’
I nodded. I thought back to last night, the way I had been pulled into Chuck’s chest, how I had felt his hot breath on my head and his strong arms around me. But no sooner had Ava passed us, he had let go. He told me to stay put and then come out after I had counted to one hundred. I did as he asked. I counted to a hundred. Except, when I left the outhouse, I turned right towards the tennis court instead of left back to my cottage.
But I wasn’t about to talk to Chuck about that just yet. I wanted to share with him what I had discovered in the study at some point.
‘Okay, Chuck. I like you very much too, and I trust you. And, you know, when you go back home, well, I wondered if I could write to you? We don’t have to tell Caitlin – It could be our secret. I know you’re her boyfriend of sorts, but I thought if we wrote, then she wouldn’t have to know, would she?’
Chuck turned his body so it was facing me even more.
‘What do you say?’
Chuck smiled and took my hand. ‘I would like that very much.’
29
London, September 2009
The day of the wedding
* * *
Ava is shifting in her seat and begins scouring the room, looking for an escape or looking for Maxwell for support. Or maybe she is looking for Caitlin. Maybe she thought she would be able to hide this person away from everyone, the way she had been trying to hide them away for years.
I raise my hand and the two women walk over to the table. One lady is in her fifties, with short blonde messy hair and wearing a dress for the occasion. A blue A-line with flecks of white through it. I know her name and her face so well. I embrace her.
‘Thanks for coming, Jackie,’ I say.
‘Oh, you’re welcome. I won’t hang around in here, I’ll let you all do your thing. But if you need me, I’ll be in the foyer all right, love?’ Jackie turns to the woman next to her. ‘Is that all right with you, my love?’
The woman Jackie is speaking to nods shyly.
‘I’ll look after her, Jackie,’ I say, and I take her hand and guide her to a seat next to mine. Ava stands up, and I am sure I see her stumble backwards.
‘Sasha, what have you done?’ she whispers. She turns and walks away at a pace.
Suddenly, I hear the sound of a handbell and Veronica, the wedding coordinator, is standing at the front of the room.
‘Would everyone please take their seats for the meal, which will be served imminently.’ Everyone begins to scuttle to their tables. Chuck and Caitlin are on the top table with both of their parents. I realise I don’t have a seat for my guest. I grab Veronica’s attention and within minutes she has organised an extra seat and an extra meal. A few seconds later, Oscar comes back and flops onto the seat opposite me. By now the rest of the table has begun filling up and he doesn’t question the stranger to my right.
‘Sorry about that, babes. It should be sorted now, I think.’ He takes the glass of fizz he had left before and swallows half of it. The food begins to arrive and Oscar falls into a conversation with one of Caitlin’s old school friends and her husband. I hear him laughing loudly and the pair of them seemed amused at everything he has to say.
My guest eats very little and I’m not surprised. I am happy when stacks of brownies arrive on the table. No cake cutting or speeches – Chuck decided against one – and I know I have nothing to say that will appease Caitlin. I begin to feel a sense of relief that it will all be over soon. It’s all quite refreshing. Oscar takes two brownies and smothers them in cream.
A few people begin to leave the table to stretch their legs after the meal, and then Oscar’s phone rings again.
‘I don’t bloody believe it. Babes, sorry, I’ll be back in a mo.’ He rushes out of the room, hugging his phone to his ear. I turn to my guest and smile. She has some brownie crumbs on her chin; I take a napkin and dab them away.
‘I like what you’re wearing,’ I say, gesturing to the purple dress she has on.
‘I chose it,’ she says.
‘I know you did. I was there when you picked it out. You showed me, do you remember?’
She nods, I look up across the room. Caitlin who has been in full social swing is now beginning to look bored, and I can see her scanning the room. She begins to head over to my table. Ava, who has been watching her like a hawk, stands up immediately and follows after her, as though she has been poised ready to do so. She is at Caitlin’s heels as soon as Caitlin makes her way gracefully towards me.
‘I haven’t seen you since the end of the ceremony,’ Caitlin says when she reaches my table. Ava arrives moments behind her, her eyes fleeting between me and my guest.
‘Who’s your little friend?’ Caitlin asks, and I detect a slight laugh in her voice. As though he has sensed something as well, I see Chuck look over from the head table where he had been in deep conversation with Maxwell. Ava is now visibly shaking.
I feel a sense of empowerment; I decide to revel in it for the short time I have it.
‘Ava, why don’t you introduce my guest to Caitlin?’
Caitlin pulls a bemused expression. ‘What are you two in cahoots about?’
‘Sasha, I implore you to stop this charade immediately.’ Ava’s voice wobbles.
‘Mama!’ Caitlin snaps and looks around at Ava. My guest flinches next to me. Then Caitlin looks at me, a small frown etches its way across her brow. ‘Sasha? Who is this?’
Chuck arrives at the table. He puts his arm around Caitlin. ‘There’s my wi…’ His voice trails off as he clocks who is sat next to me.
‘My God, Gabi.’ He looks at my guest and then at me, his jaw set hard as he slowly shakes his head. He doesn’t have to say a thing to me, I know how disappointed he is. I always knew it would be Chuck I would let down the hardest.
Gabi sits forward and smiles at Chuck. I can see she wants to stand and greet him properly.
‘Gabi? Mama, do you know a Gabi? Chuck, how do you know her? Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on!’ Caitlin becomes exasperated. I stand up and then it all begins to happen exactly as I had planned it. I take hold of Caitlin’s arm very lightly.
‘Caitlin, this is Gabi,’ I say, and begin to usher her round the table to where my guest sits with her hands pressed firmly together in her lap.
‘Yes, I think we have all established that,’ Caitlin says, as we come to a standstill right in front of Gabi. I wait a moment as I watch Caitlin take her in. I note the way she is drawn immediately to Gabi’s face, particularly her lip, the way it is split slightly in the centre towards her nose, a cut that healed long ago but still slightly distorts her features. Next, her gaze falls to Gabi’s lap and the way her hands are tightly entwined, but her left leg taps furiously, her eyes moving from one person to the next, never able to hold her gaze on any one of us for more than a second.
�
��Sasha, stop, think what you’re doing. You promised. You promised. And here, on my wedding day?’ Chuck is by my side, whispering loudly into my ear. I hadn’t notice him get any closer.
But I ignore Chuck. I feel a small amount of fury rise into my throat, which gives me the strength to finish what I have started.
‘Caitlin,’ I say softly. ‘Gabi is your sister. Your twin sister.’
30
Saxby House, Dorset, September 1990
September 1990
Dear Chuck,
Hope you’re okay back at home and that boarding school isn’t too boring. Thanks for being a good friend over the summer holidays. And thanks for saying I could write to you. I have something very important to tell you, something I can’t just blurt out, but something I feel deserves both of our attentions. This feels too big for me to carry by myself.
I feel so bad, for what I did, but I knew there was something going on with the Clemontes that needed further inspection. Call me a sleuth or whatever you like, but somehow – and I won’t say how – I found myself in Ava’s study on the night of Caitlin and Josephine’s party.
What I discovered, Chuck, were photos. Fourteen of them. All of a girl that looked very similar to Caitlin. Except she had a horrible deformity on her lip in the baby photos. As she grew, they must have been able to have reconstructed her face or something, because it isn’t as bad. I think they are twins. I don’t think Gabi – that is the name on every photo – and Caitlin are identical twins, as she doesn’t look exactly like Caitlin, just similar. Each photo is taken round about the same time as Caitlin’s – their – birthday, and on the back of each photo is some writing. The people who sent the photos must be Gabi’s new parents, and they wanted to keep in touch with Ava. They have obviously been writing to Ava each year to let her know how she has grown.
I know all this to be true because Ava admitted that Gabi was Caitlin’s twin when she discovered me in her study. I know! I wouldn’t make a very good spy or detective, would I? But now I know Ava gave Caitlin’s twin sister away because she was deformed and she didn’t want her any more. But I think Caitlin would have loved her, don’t you?
In the first photo, Gabi is a tiny baby, only a few months old. Her parents had written on the back that she is dealing quite well with her cleft palate and that there is an operation booked. It looked quite bad – she had huge, pretty eyes but with a gaping hole where her lip should have joined her mouth and nose. I was scared when I saw that photo. But then in the next photo, Gabi has had the operation, and she looks a lot better; her lip still looks slightly deformed, but I didn’t feel so sad when I looked at the photo. On the back, Gabi’s parents had written a note that says the operation has gone well and Gabi is recovering just fine. I could see the same cheeky look in Gabi’s eye that Caitlin gets sometimes. Gabi is smiling in every photo. The sixth photo had written on the back, Doctors have confirmed that Gabi is autistic. She will start a special school after the summer.
I feel really sad for Gabi, for her new parents and for Caitlin. I feel so crushed that I must keep this a secret from her. But you know her best, you know the Clemonte family the best, and they do things differently to how my family would. Do you think we should keep it to ourselves? I do. I couldn’t possibly tell Caitlin. I’m going to need your help. Whatever happens, you and I must always remain friends so I don’t feel I must shoulder this terrible secret all by myself. It would be good to know I have you by my side, Chuck.
I have one more thing to tell you. When I am a little bit older, I am going to look for Gabi, and when I find her, I would like to be her friend. Would you like to be her friend too? We wouldn’t need to tell Caitlin. It could be our secret.
Thanks for being a good friend, Chuck. Keep in touch.
Love from Sasha.
31
London, September 2009
The day of the wedding
* * *
Caitlin stares at Gabi. She opens her mouth to speak and then closes it again.
‘Caitlin, I—’ Ava begins, but Caitlin silences her with a raised hand. Ava covers her mouth and sucks in a deep breath.
We all stand quietly, no one wanting to speak, waiting for Caitlin to have the first word.
‘She doesn’t look how I imagined her to,’ she says after a few seconds. We all look at Caitlin.
‘What?’ I say.
‘What?’ Chuck echoes.
Caitlin looks at me. ‘I thought we would have been identical. I don’t know why, I just presumed.’
‘You knew?’ I say, looking at Chuck for some reassurance.
‘Of course, I knew, Sasha. You used to hear me talking to her all the time. You used to ask me what I was saying, eventually you gave up asking and let me carry on muttering away. I thought I had just invented an invisible friend. But I had an inkling that I was more than one – call it a twin thing. I don’t know. Maybe I saw or heard something unconsciously as a child. And the twin gene is strong in our family, anyway. It was only confirmed on Granny’s deathbed, when she said and I quote,’ – Caitlin turns and looks at Ava – ‘“You had a twin sister, but your mama gave her away.”’
Ava lets out a loud noise from between both her hands that were cupped across her mouth.
I thought about how Caitlin had been so distant this last year, and now it makes sense. The change in her behaviour tied in with when Josephine died and confessed the terrible secret. The secret I had been harbouring since I was a child.
‘Granny was the only decent one in this family.’ Caitlin already looks distracted with what was happening on the other side of the room, her focus no longer on Gabi.
‘So, do you want to say hello properly to your sister, Caitlin, maybe take her to the bar for a drink? I’m sure you can catch up later properly, or… or maybe after the party, tomorrow perhaps…’ I knew I was running on empty. Caitlin had already turned back towards into the room again. It was a long shot. I already knew Caitlin wouldn’t care for Gabi.
‘Caitlin!’ I grab her arm.
She stops and looks at me, curiously. Her eyes half closed.
She shakes her head.
She looks at Ava. ‘Mama, I hope you’ll be happy with all that you have. All the paintings, the land, the house. That place never suited me. Granny would be turning in her grave knowing I am handing it to you. But I never want anything to do with the place. I’d rather know you’re rotting there and drowning in the memory of what you did. Enjoy Saxby.’ Caitlin turns and walks away.
I feel a lump form in my throat. I can’t cry. I mustn’t cry. Not in front of Gabi. And certainly not in front of Caitlin. I think back to Ava walking past me at Caitlin’s office. They must have been dealing with the exchange of Saxby. This was the deal that had kept Caitlin so distracted. And now I think I understand why Caitlin wants nothing to do with Saxby and hasn’t since Josephine died. The thought of being somewhere in a house where she should have grown up with a twin. Or maybe she can’t cope with the tragedy that occurred there. I have always wondered what Maxwell’s role was in all of this. He claims he was never there at Caitlin’s birth, but Ava would have been recovering after delivering twins, and it would have taken a quick-thinking businessman like Maxwell to deal with all the admin and make the problem disappear overnight.
I watch Caitlin walk coolly away towards the bar.
Ava stumbles towards Maxwell and falls into his arms before steering him towards the door to the foyer. I hear him ask her what is wrong before he takes a surreptitious look over his shoulder. Maybe he really never knew a thing.
Chuck bends down to Gabi’s level and takes her hands.
‘Hi, Gabi.’
Gabi does a small bounce in her chair and her eyes light up.
‘Sorry about all the fuss – I bet it’s not anything like it is at the day centre, is it?’ he continues.
Jackie appears next to me.
‘I just saw some woman come out crying her eyes out, so I thought I’d better come in and check ever
ything is okay.’ She bends down to Gabi. ‘You all right, love? Shall I get us back to the centre – they’ll be wondering where we are. We might make it back for some afternoon tea.’
Gabi stands up and takes hold of Jackie’s arm.
‘Thanks for bringing her, Jackie. I’m sorry it wasn’t a success – I appreciate you going out of your way.’
‘Oh don’t you worry, love. I had my doubts – these posh types are all the same. I’d cleared it with Gemma and Steve, Gabi’s folks, and they were happy for her to come – they’ve always tried with the family, to keep them involved, but they never got anything back. It was worth one last shot, love – no one can begrudge you that. At least Gabi has you. And you, Chuck. She absolutely loves your visits. She stands by the glass door and she can see you both in the reception and then starts jumping up and down as you come down the corridor.’
‘And we’ve loved the visits too, Jackie. Although, I’m ashamed to say that Gabi will see less of my face these days.’ Chuck looks at me awkwardly. ‘Sasha, you must have known this would happen. I said things would change once I was married to Caitlin. I’ve said my vows, and I think that it is pretty obvious that Caitlin doesn’t want anything to do with Gabi. It’s a terrible shame, but a decision I feared she would come to if she ever met Gabi – not that I thought for a second you would ever bring her here, on our wedding day of all days.’
I touch Chuck’s arm. ‘I’m sorry, Chuck, I really am. I just had to do it, I had to find out once and for all if Caitlin would accept her own sister. And you’re right, she doesn’t want anything to do with her.’ I look over at Gabi, who is being helped with her coat by Jackie. ‘I can’t even put it down to shock either, can I? She’s known she’s had a twin for at least a year. She’ll never love her, not the way I do.’
