by Nina Manning
Chuck sighs. ‘Gabi is very lucky to have you in her life. Caitlin will be just fine. She’s stuck with me now.’ He pulls me into an embrace. I feel the safety of his strong arms and I know Caitlin will be okay. She may not have had the love and support of her mother and father, but she has Chuck. She always had Chuck.
Chuck whispers into my ear as we embrace. ‘I love you, I have always loved you, as a very dear friend. Take care.’ He kisses me softly on the head, releases me and strides over to the other side of the room to find his wife.
Oscar is in front of me. His face a mixture of intense emotions.
‘Are you and him…? Is this…? Have you…?’
I grab him by the arm and pull him over to my side.
‘Don’t be daft, I love you, you silly sod. But there are one or two things you might need to know. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. Let’s start by introducing you to a couple of people.’
I walk Jackie and Gabi out into the foyer, and we hug our goodbyes.
‘I’ll come and visit you again soon, Gabi, okay?’ I feel a pang of sadness that my visits will no longer be with Chuck, but he had been struggling with the deception, as much as he enjoyed the visits when we were there. He made them so special, and Gabi made us laugh so much. We were always both high from endorphins when we left the day centre.
Gabi claps her hands together and muttered a few yeses.
‘Right, you, let’s get you back on that train – you liked it on the train, didn’t you, Gabi?’ Jackie says, and Gabi claps her hands and stamps her feet. Jackie and I both laugh. It amazes me how someone with so little vocal ability always makes me feel so happy.
Jackie turns to leave with Gabi and suddenly I remember.
‘Hold on, girls, wait there – I just need to grab something.’
I walk over to the reception desk and ask the man behind it to open the safe. He takes out a shoe-sized brown box and hands it to me. I can feel the weight of the object inside. I usher Jackie and Gabi to the edge of the foyer and into a corner, out of sight where there are a couple of chairs. I get us seated and then I open the box. Inside is a lot of screwed up tissue paper and in the centre a small object wrapped tightly in bubble wrap. I take it out and unravel it gently. I leave the wrapper in the box and in my hand I hold a small Japanese-style vase.
‘Pretty,’ Gabi whispers.
‘Oh my God, what is this?’ Jackie whispers.
‘It’s a vase.’
‘Well, I can see that, love – it looks expensive, but I don’t suppose I have to tell you that.’
‘No, and you shouldn’t tell anyone either. I brought this here today to return it to its owner. Should the afternoon have panned out in the way I had have hoped, it would now be in their hands. But I know now that the true owner of this is Gabi. Steve and Gemma and Gabi.’
Jackie holds her hand to her mouth. ‘Oh my, Sasha, are you sure? I don’t want to get Gabi into the middle of a family rift over an heirloom.’
‘I think those days are over. The funny thing about this family is that there are no rifts. Just secrets and then silence. This relic fell into my hands a long time ago, and even if they did know where it was, I think it’s clear no one is interested. They just want their lives to carry on easily with as few disruptions as possible.’
‘Our Gabi was one of those disruptions, wasn’t she?’
‘I’m afraid she was, Jackie. But she’s not to us.’ I smile at Gabi.
I carefully wrap the vase back up in the bubble wrap and nestle it amongst the tissue paper in the box, then I place the lid on the box.
‘Take it and give it to Steve and Gemma. Ask them to get it valued. Reassure them it’s not listed as missing. They won’t be in trouble.’
‘You are such a kind soul. I only wish I could say the same for that family you associate yourself with,’ Jackie said, taking the box.
I shrug. ‘I’m not so sure there’ll be much association after today.’ I look up and see Oscar hovering in the foyer. ‘I’d better go. I’ll come and see you soon, Gabi, okay?’
I hug them both one more time and watch them leave. I sneak up behind Oscar and slide my hand into his.
He spins around. ‘Babe. I’ve been worried. What the hell is going on?’
‘Let’s go – I have a lovely room at the other hotel until ten tomorrow morning. I’ll tell you all about it.’
‘Hotel room, eh? In the middle of the afternoon?’
I laugh. ‘Come on,’ I say.
We’re about to walk through the double doors out into the warm autumn day when I feel a presence behind me. I turn and see Caitlin standing by the door to the reception room.
‘Go and grab some fresh air – I just need to do one more thing,’ I say to Oscar. He nods dutifully and I am overwhelmed with love for him, his trust and his understanding.
I arrive in front of Caitlin, and she leans against the wall in a very relaxed pose, and I am stilted for a second. But I quickly pull myself together.
‘I’m sorry for ruining your wedding day,’ I begin. ‘But I needed to know once and for all. And I think today you proved me right.’
Caitlin lets out a small laugh.
I shake my head. ‘I was never going to be a good enough friend for you. I understand how things were difficult for you growing up, but when I moved to Saxby, I only ever wanted to be your friend. We had fun, but you were so mean to me. Too many times. And because I wanted to be friends with you so much, I let you. And that pattern just carried on as we grew older.’
‘Well, we’re like sisters. And sisters fight, don’t they?’ Caitlin said, and I thought I detected a waver in her voice, an uncertainty that it wasn’t all about to work out in her favour for once.
‘Sisters, friends, if there is no respect, it will never work.’
‘So why did you hang on to your little secret for so long, and why surprise me with her on my wedding day, the day you spent so long preparing for?’ Caitlin said coldly.
‘Your mum made me swear to keep Gabi a secret. She told me my parents would lose their jobs if I told anyone. Then, after we left Saxby, I just kind of got used to keeping it a secret. Then a few years ago, I found out where Gabi lived and I contacted her parents. Chuck and I visit her once a week at the day centre she goes to. She’s a lovely girl, she really is. But Chuck was always dubious – he knew it was wrong to not tell you, but I needed him for support. You should forgive him. You were always at the forefront of his mind. I wanted to know if you would welcome Gabi into your family, and I thought, what better way than on your wedding day? I also needed your mum to know that she can’t bully me any more, so by showing up here with Gabi, I hope I have proved that to her.’
‘Congratulations, Sasha. What an achievement. I could have shown you how to stand up to Ava years ago.’
I ignore Caitlin’s callous comment.
‘I hope that in time you may come to see that I was always a good friend to you, Caitlin, but I need to break away from this… whatever this toxic mess is. You have made me feel as though I wasn’t good enough for so long. It will take me some time to get there, but I hope one day, in the not too distant future, I will realise my true worth.’
I lean in and kiss Caitlin lightly on the cheek, the smell of Chanel No. 5 greets me.
‘Goodbye, Caitlin. Look after yourself and Chuck.’
I turn quickly and walk towards the foyer doors, out into the beautiful warm afternoon air.
32
Saxby House, Dorset, August 1990
The night of the party
* * *
I found my hand easily slipped into his once more as he led me out of the marquee and onto the driveway. We began walking back down the gravel drive, the small pebbles crunching under our feet. We walked in silence for a while, my heart thudding in my chest, wondering if I should speak.
I apologised for Bill, and Chuck made a joke about his lost dog.
‘The sky is so vast and clear out here in the countryside,’ Chu
ck said.
I looked up at the sky, and it did look spectacular. I began to think of something suitably poignant to reply with when I was suddenly yanked sideways. Chuck and I were alone in the doorway of an outbuilding, the moonlight blocked by the high brick wall. And so there I was, pressed against Chuck’s chest, the darkness engulfing us, and all I could hear was the thumping beat of his heart in my ear.
We heard the crunch of pebbles as Ava made her way past us, back to the main house.
‘I’m sorry, Sasha,’ Chuck whispered. ‘I wish things could be different, but I am afraid the planets are already aligned. I am meant for Caitlin.’
‘And you can’t possibly be seen alone with me,’ I said, sounding bitter.
‘It’s not that, it’s tricky with this family—’
‘You don’t have to explain, Chuck. I get it.’
‘Friends forever?’ Chuck gave me a lopsided smile.
I sighed. ‘Yes, of course. Friends forever.’
‘Listen, I’m going to head back, I’ll go first in case we get spotted at the gates arriving back together. Count to about a hundred, slowly, and then follow on. Okay?’
Chuck kissed me firmly on the forehead and headed out up the drive. I listened to the sound of his feet crunching on the gravel driveway until they became a faint noise.
I counted to one hundred and left the outhouse. But I turned right instead of left. I didn’t have a torch, so I relied on the moonlight and the stars as they lit the sky and the path ahead of me. When I reached the wall to the tennis court, I walked along the rough terrain until I hit the bush. I bent down and crawled through. I would have to go in blind, although there were slivers of light coming in through the trees above and the bushes, but I knew this was where Ava had just come from. I was the only one who had discovered her secret hiding place, and I needed to know why she went there again this evening. Once I was through the bush clearing, I got down on my hands and knees; I could feel a slight dampness to the ground and I knew my trousers would be stained with mud. I felt along to the end and then I felt with my right hand until I found the clearing. At the gap in the foliage, I bent down and moved my hand around, and I could feel a few of the trinkets. Then my hand hit a cardboard box, shoe-box size. That wasn’t there last time. I hit at it with one hand, until I could pull it close enough to the clearing to get it with both hands. I pulled it out and held it before beginning the descent backwards, dragging the box with me until I was out of the bushes. I stood up and held the box close to my chest.
I had no idea what was inside, and I had intended to take a peek in the comfort of my bedroom and then return it the next day, but I got stopped by Mum and Dad at the gates at the top of the driveway where they were just leaving the party. I could see Ava in the background, and even in the darkness I could feel the weight of her stare. Was she worried about where I had come from?
I made it past Mum and Dad on the premise that I was busting for a wee and then once I was alone in my bedroom, I opened the box. Inside, wrapped in layers of brown paper was the small Japanese vase I had seen when I was in Ava’s study. But why was it suddenly in the spot where she was laying trinket gifts, which, I now realised, could be some sort of homage to her other daughter?
I had every intention of taking the vase back the next day. I stuffed the box inside a suitcase on top of my wardrobe and left it there, where it would be safe until morning.
33
London, September 2009
The day after the wedding
* * *
Oscar and I drive back to our house in Fulham just after eleven the next morning. I had been checking my phone all day and night and most of the morning, but there had been no message from anyone, not even Chuck. I know that I will be hearing less from him going forward, but it still weighs heavy. We made a connection as children, that is true, but he would never have allowed himself to truly fall for someone like me, as much as he cared about me.
He has his responsibilities now as a husband to Caitlin, and I don’t doubt that they are in love – they have shared a lifetime together already. And I began to make peace a long time ago with losing Caitlin as a friend. I knew that I had to release the secret, and I knew that any person with a real heart and soul would have welcomed and embraced a sister into their life, even if they were in shock initially. But Caitlin has known for over a year. The way I have come to love Gabi, I can never love Caitlin in the same way.
I fall onto the sofa whilst Oscar makes us a cup of tea.
He brings it over to me, places it on the coffee table in front of me. As he turns to leave, I grab his hand.
‘I love you. I will marry you. Whenever you want. I just had this stupid idea that I needed to be better: a better mother, a better girlfriend, a better business woman. But I realise now I have everything I need. So I must be doing okay at life.’ I laugh the last part of the sentence out so I don’t start crying.
Oscar falls to his knees in front of me.
‘Of course you are. You’re perfect.’
We vow to spend only one hour organising ourselves for work in the morning, and then we will watch a film and Oscar will go down the high street and fetch us a Chinese takeaway. I use my time to work on my new website and finish editing a short showreel that I need to upload to YouTube. I feel relieved after I have done everything, knowing that tomorrow I will wake up and have a clear head when I meet with another new client – a girl who is going to travel the world and meet face to face with every one of her Facebook friends – and I’ll be in charge of all her web and YouTube content.
After an hour at the screen, I feel my eyelids fluttering. It has been such a long few days and I am mentally exhausted. I put my laptop to one side on the sofa and close my eyes. Oscar is at the kitchen table, where he often likes to work; his soft tapping is melodic and sends me into a hazy half-sleep. I am startled awake by a ping from my laptop, alerting me to a new email. I had purposely not looked at any of my emails as that was a job for first thing in the morning with a cup of coffee, but I am too intrigued to know who is contacting me at one in the afternoon on a Sunday. I click into my mail and my heart sinks at the name along the left-hand side. Ava Anderton. I let out a slight groan, and I hear Oscar call from the kitchen.
‘What is it, babes? Brunch not agreeing with you?’
‘No, I’ve just received an email from Ava,’ I say absently. Before I know it, Oscar is standing behind the sofa, looking over my shoulder.
‘Open it then.’ Oscar is keener than I am to see what the message says, as the whole Clemonte saga is still so novel to him. I am already tiring of it all and just want to put everything behind me. But to appease my boyfriend, who I have let down so badly these last few months, I click on the email.
It’s an image attachment.
I click on it and a large photo bursts to life on the screen. To start with, it makes no sense. It doesn’t help that Oscar is behind me, asking me what it is.
‘I have no idea,’ I say. The photo is the backs of two girls. I initially think of twins – from the back they look similar, their frames, their long hair. The girl on the left is leaning into the girl on the right, her head rested on her shoulder, her arm slightly curved around her back at the base of her spine. It has been taken from a little way back, as there is foliage on either side in the foreground and beyond the figures. Slightly out of focus is a subtle glimmering that looks like water. I suddenly suck my breath in loudly.
‘Oh my God.’ I smack my hand to my mouth. ‘That’s me, on the left, and that’s Caitlin. That’s Saxby – that’s the pool we would swim in.’ Ava must have snapped a photo of us when we were unaware and not looking. As I scroll down, further images burst open. Caitlin and I sitting in the hammock, taken from far away; Caitlin and I running through the wildflower meadow; the pair of us standing in the courtyard. And it is only then that I see a tiny bit of text that I hadn’t noticed before.
Sometimes the two of you together, looking so similar, was too p
ainful to witness. But something made me capture these moments. I thought you might like to have copies.
Of course, Ava was always with her camera. I presumed at the time she was snapping plants and flowers, as that was her passion. I feel a large lump form in my throat that I can’t choke back. An involuntary noise slips from my mouth and I catch it before it develops into a full-blown cry. But Oscar’s hands are on my shoulders, and the squeeze he gives them somehow opens the floodgates, and I cry until I have no tears left in me.
34
Saxby House, Dorset, Now
Once Ava knows that she is once again alone in her room, she pulls out the letter from under her pillow and looks at it. She has lived with the terrible secret and carried the guilt for so many years, but she knows it is time to put it to bed forever. She needs to move on with her life. She is only seventy and she still has a long, healthy life ahead of her.
She opens the letter one final time.
15 May 2008
Ava,
I do not have much longer to live, and so I wanted to write to you, so when I am gone you do not forget the reasons you did what you did. You are my only daughter, but not my only child. Hackett was born with problems and was less than perfect, so he had to be banished from the family. It was only the good heart of your father that we allowed him to stay working on the estate. It was so Douglas could keep an eye on him and prevent him from causing any trouble in town, or so he said. But I know he had a soft spot for him. Your father always found it difficult to say what was what.
When you gave birth here at Saxby, and brought that monstrosity into the world, I realised we had to let her go as well. But this time I refused to keep her where we would have to look at her. The facial disfigurement meant it was only a matter of time before further health problems were revealed. The Clemonte name is all I have and I cannot let it be marred with imperfection. I could not see that child brought up here, looking the way she did. People look up to this family and see us as an example.
