“I doubt he was going to tell you. He’s a mess. He blames himself, too. He says security was his detail, that he failed you.”
“Neither of you failed me. Neither of you did this to me. Just because it happened at your club doesn’t mean it is either one of your faults. I’ll call Lincoln and see if he is willing to meet with me.”
“Camryn, you have no idea how much the guilt that we’re both carrying has affected our relationship. It’s like we’re strangers. At times, I feel like we’re miles apart. We barely talk, unless it’s about the club. Our sex life is shit. I can’t tell you the last time we were intimate. It’s like we are avoiding each other. He comes to bed after I’m asleep, and I do the same.”
“Sweetie. You need to talk to Linc. Don’t let what happened to me destroy what you two have. You two have to be able to work through this. Talk to him, Morgan. You are never at a loss for words. You need to tell him how you feel. I’m serious, you two need to sit down and work through this,” her soft voice urges.
“If only it was that easy.”
LINCOLN
“Guilt is anger directed at ourselves—at what we did or did not do.”
– Peter McWilliams
After closing up Aces tonight, I find comfort with my old, trusty friend, Jack. The apartment is dark and quiet, just like I like it.
I lounge back on the sofa, gripping my tumbler of Jack and Coke. I take a long sip of my drink, sucking a piece of ice into my mouth.
The door to my apartment opens, allowing light to filter in from the hallway, interrupting the darkness that surrounds me. She stills when she sees me on the couch.
“You’re awake. I figured you’d be asleep by now. The club took longer to close than I expected. Figured I would come here tonight, rather than heading home.” She tosses her keys on the table by the door and kicks off her shoes.
She flicks the light switch on the wall, and I flinch, the lights blinding me. In the dark, the pain I feel can be disguised, can be forced into the recesses of my mind where it should stay. I’ve been trying to hide my feelings, but I forget how much our eyes speak. How much our eyes tell the story we don’t want told.
“Shut the light off.” I say abruptly to Morgan…doesn’t she understand that I need to stay in the darkness because the clarity that the light brings is almost too much to bear.
“Are you drunk?” she asks, her voice laced with annoyance.
I ignore her question and all of the accusations that have bubbled under the surface for so long come erupting out in full force, directed at the bullseye standing in front of me. “Have you ever stopped and asked me once how I feel? How I’m dealing with this?”
“Excuse me,” she says as she walks over and sits on the chair next to the couch.
A harsh laugh escapes me. “You didn’t think to ask. Come on, Morgan. Are you that self- centered?” My words were loaded with ridicule. I was purposely picking a fight with her. Fighting with her made me feel something, rather than feeling numb.
She gets up and tries to snatch the drink out of my hand. I hold on tightly when she pulls, spilling some on my pants.
She stares into my bloodshot eyes. “You’re drunk.”
“A little bit,” I admit.
She shakes her head and looks away. “I’m sorry. I’ve been dealing with my own shit. I didn’t think to ask you.”
“That’s your problem, Morgan. You only thought about yourself. You never once asked me how this all affected me. I was there that night. Redemption is my club. It was my responsibility to make sure everyone, especially Camryn, was safe once they stepped through the doors. I failed them! I failed Camryn!” I run my hand though my hair and grab a handful in frustration.
“Lincoln, don’t do this. Not tonight. You’re drunk. We can talk about this tomorrow,” her voice sounds tired.
I can’t let this moment go. I’ve kept it buried for too long, two months have passed. I have to let her know how I feel. How I resent her.
“I know you blamed yourself, but I was there for you. I offered to support you and you pushed me away. Where were you when I needed support? You weren’t around. I found solace in the comfort of a bottle of liquor. I found comfort in the one thing that I swore I would never turn to.”
Morgan grabs my hands, grasping them with hers. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. It’s not your fault, as much as it’s not mine. You’ve said it a million times, that it was an accident. Camryn has told me the same. You need to listen to what you tell me. It’s not your fault.”
I toss back the rest of my drink. “I needed you to tell me that a month ago. I needed to talk to someone about this. That someone should have been you. Instead, I’ve been drinking to try and forget the images of Camryn. What she looked like when I found her. No matter how much I drink, I still see her. I still see my friend beaten and broken on the floor of my club.”
She takes the empty tumbler from my hand, placing it on the coffee table. I see tears streaming down her cheeks as she turns away from me. Whether those are tears of sympathy, tears of guilt, or simply tears of disgust at this situation, at me, whatever, I’m too shit-faced to offer a consoling shoulder for Morgan to cry on. I can’t even get my own shit together, much less help her with hers.
“We need to talk,” I grumble at her.
“I’m not going to argue with drunk Lincoln. But I will talk to sober Lincoln tomorrow. Come on, let me get you to bed.”
“This fight isn’t over,” my words slurring.
“I know. We’ll hash this out tomorrow,” she says mockingly.
I push myself up from the couch and trek toward my bedroom tripping over my own feet along the way. Morgan’s hands grab me to keep me from falling on my face.
“I’ve got you. Let’s get you to bed.”
I stumble into bed, clothes and all.
“You’re not changing? You’re sleeping in your clothes?”
I don’t answer her. I nod. I feel her lips against my head. “It’s not your fault, babe,” she whispers. Those where the last words I heard before the dark overtook me. Rationally, I know what she said in those last few seconds of consciousness. Emotionally, this is what I felt like she meant to say and that’s one hundred percent of the problem with us.
“It’s all your fault, babe.”
MORGAN
“I shouldn’t be jealous…but I am.”
– Morgan Kennedy
New Year’s Eve
My eyes scan the overflowing main floor of Redemption. There are people lined from wall to wall. If we’re not already at max capacity, I anticipate it soon. The waitresses maneuver through the sea of people with drink-filled trays hoisted above their heads.
Several black t-shirts with ‘SECURITY” written in bold yellow letters catch my attention. It’s obvious there is more security. Everywhere you turn, you see someone either stationed near an exit, or walking through the crowd.
Side Effects is playing to bring in the New Year. Jamie also has a surprise up his sleeve for Camryn, as well. The man will stop at nothing to make his girl happy.
Happy is the opposite of what I have been lately. Over the past two months, things have changed between Lincoln and I. The two of us have always been able to tell each other anything. No matter what life has thrown at us, we always manage to get through it. Until now. I’m not sure if we will be able to pull ourselves out of the hole we are in.
I feel like I am suffocating. Gasping for air all the time. As much as I try to push through this, the farther I find us apart. The guilt we bear is like quicksand...the harder we try to escape the quicker we sink.
Days I feel like we are sinking, struggling to stay afloat. I submerge myself into work to keep my mind distracted. It’s been two months since that horrific night, the night that changed all of our lives.
“Who’s ready to party?” Jamie’s boisterous voice comes through the speakers.
The group of girls by the stage scream while others raise their beer
s in the air cheering.
“I can’t hear you.” Jamie taunts the crowd with his hand next to his ear.
People shout louder and more spectators make their way closer to the stage.
“Thanks for coming out to ring in the New Year with Side Effects. You are in for quite a show tonight,” Jamie’s deep voice echoes through the mic.
“Hold onto your shirts.” Jamie wiggles his eyebrows at the group of girls by the stage. “Well, not really.” He laughs and turns his attention toward Camryn and winks at her.
One of the security guards holds his arms out in an attempt to keep the crowd from getting too close. The girls in the front crowd the stage trying to get closer, reaching their hands up to try to touch Jamie.
Side Effects is making a name for themselves. Jamie knows how to work the crowd and make the ladies swoon with the lyrics of his songs.
“Make sure to drink up, have fun, and tip your waitresses and bartenders well.”
Side Effects opens the night with a few fan favorites of their original material. Obviously, they play it enough that the crowd in front of the stage knows all the words and are able to sing along. If I had to guess, I would say they are the band’s groupies. They are wearing shirts that I know the band didn’t have made…the raunchy phrases plastered on their chests aren’t Side Effects’ style at all.
The guys sound amazing tonight. The crowd is going crazy when the first few beats of the song tap out from the drums. Jamie is bouncing up and down on his feet with his hands in the air. When Jamie starts with the lyrics, “Shut Up and Dance” by Walk the Moon, the crowd erupts. The noise is deafening.
I stand with my back against the bar, taking in the crowd. I spot Lincoln across the room. He extends his hand to Camryn walking her to the dance floor.
Lincoln pulls Camryn close to him while they dance. Both of them have smiles on their faces and throw their heads back and laugh at one another. This is the side of Lincoln that I miss. I haven’t seen it in quite some time. As I watch both Camryn and Lincoln dance, it makes me miss how things used to be.
From what I can see, it looks like the two are singing to each other. They truly are having a good time. I wish I could do that. Lately, when I am here at Redemption, I have an uneasy feeling in my stomach. This place used to be my haven, a place where I would come and I would totally be in my element. Times sure have changed.
There is a burning sensation of jealousy in my chest. Not that I think anything would ever happen between Lincoln and Camryn, but the sight of seeing him enjoying himself with her, rather than me, makes my blood boil. It wasn’t that long ago that Lincoln and I would have been dancing and enjoying ourselves on the dance floor together. Those days seem like a distant memory.
When Lincoln looks up at me now, his eyes reflect the pain that I feel. His eyes are always sad. He’s the shell of the man I fell in love with eight years ago. When he smiles lately, it’s always forced. I know he is fighting his own demons, as I’m fighting my own, as well. I thought we could battle them together. Find a way to come out of this stronger, but the torment is eating both of us from the inside. I swallow hard and bite back tears. But a few tears stream down my cheeks and I quickly wipe them away, keeping my emotions in check as much as I can but it seems an impossible task. We are in such a different place than we were months ago and I want that old life back but know that we can’t go back to what we had after all that we’ve lost.
Jamie works the crowd in front of the stage. The thump of Isaac’s drum is all you can hear as it echoes throughout the entire club. When Jamie reaches the chorus, he holds the mic stand over the crowd and the patrons sing. I look around the dance floor and everyone has their hands above their heads clapping and singing along.
This is definitely a crowd favorite. I think almost everyone in the bar is up on their feet dancing.
After I compose myself, I make my way through the crowd to interrupt their dancing. When I reach Camryn, I pull her toward me and start to dance.
Lincoln leans down, placing a kiss on Camryn’s cheek, “I got some shit to take care of. Thanks for letting loose for just a few minutes with me.”
She pulls him in for a hug. “I needed a good night out, thanks for making me laugh my ass off at you. I loved your rendition of the song.”
“Anytime, you know I love to see you smile.” Before Lincoln turns to walk away, he looks me up and down, gives me a head nod then turns and walks away disappearing in the crowd.
“What was that about? I didn’t mean to run him off by coming over,” I say to Camryn.
“Stop, you’re being ridiculous. I’m sure he was just going to check on things. He’ll be back,” she says.
I shake my head. My mood veers sharply to anger. “Are you blind? He ran like there was a fire that needed to be put out. God forbid he actually stay here and have a good time with me.”
Camryn shrugs, “Well, it was a little rude that he didn’t even speak to you.”
“This is what our relationship has become these last few months and I’m just pissed at him all the time,” I say as my temper flares.
“I’m sure everything is fine. Let’s dance. Talk to him when you get home.” She manages a tremulous smile and I know I have to reign in my emotions because Camryn, of all people, doesn’t need to know mine and Lincoln’s problems started the night she was raped.
“Whatever, let’s get a drink first, then go dance.”
After the stunt Lincoln pulled on the dance floor, I am pissed beyond belief at him. But more than anything, I’m angry at myself for putting up with this bullshit between us for the past two months. I need to put my big girl panties on and take the bull by the horns and talk to him.
The two of us have always been open with each other. It’s what works for us. It always has. Communication has never been an issue. Neither one of us ever pulls punches. If there is an issue, we address it. So why are things different this time? Tonight, the gloves are coming off.
My arms are full with bags of supplies and bouquets of flowers as I step through the door of Jamie’s apartment. I still haven’t shaken my shitty mood. The last thing I want to be doing is sprinkling romantic fairy dust around this place. Camryn has always been the little Tinkerbell of the group. Well, at least to Jamie.
Jamie plans to propose to Camryn tonight after their performance. He asked for my assistance, so that when they get back to his place the mood will be just right. So here I am at Jamie’s place, to set the ambience to end their romantic evening. When Jamie asked, I couldn’t refuse. It’s for Camryn, after all.
I set the bags down on the kitchen island and search the kitchen cabinets for the vases Jamie told me to use.
Once I find them, I fill them each with water, clip the ends of the Stargazer lilies, Gerbera daisies and roses, which are Camryn’s favorite flowers, and arrange them in the vases.
In total, I have five arrangements to place around the apartment. Jamie wants Camryn to notice the romantic setting as soon as she steps inside. So I told him I would make it perfect.
I am actually doing what I would want if I were in Camryn’s position. But I’m not.
I place an arrangement of flowers in the center of the kitchen island, which is the first thing she’ll see when they enter Jamie’s apartment. I place another on the cocktail table by the couch, and the remaining vases in the bedroom on the dresser and on each of the nightstands on the sides of the king-size bed.
I scatter rose petals throughout the apartment, forming a trail from the front door, to the bedroom, stopping at the bed. I even go the extra step and use the remaining petals to form a design in the shape of a heart on top of his comforter. Damn, I’m impressed with my romantic skills. Camryn is going to love this.
My heart warms, knowing that one of us is getting the happy ending that we’ve always dreamed of. I couldn’t have picked a better person for Camryn to fall in love with than Jamie. If anyone deserves to be happy, it’s the two of them.
I bend down
to grab the remaining bags to retrieve the candles. To finish my romantic touches, I place about a dozen flameless candles throughout the living room, bedroom and bathroom. Once I have all of them lit, the apartment illuminates in a soft romantic glow.
My eyes take in the beautiful view in front of me. My phone rings, “Fall Into Me” by Brantley Gilbert echoes throughout the quiet apartment. I don’t need to look at the screen, I know it’s Lincoln by his assigned ring tone. Did he just now realize I wasn’t at the club? I’ve been gone for over an hour.
Tears pool in my eyes, as jealousy seeps through my body. I shouldn’t be jealous…but I am.
A tear slides down my face. I quickly wipe it just before another one falls. My throat begins to tighten as I make my way to the kitchen sink, quickly turning on the faucet. I gather some water in my hands, splashing my face. I do this a few times, hoping this will calm my nerves. There is a tinge of envy, wishing that I would be the girl to walk into my apartment and have it look like this after her boyfriend proposed and promised to love her forever.
Why did he have to call now? Does he sense that I’m falling apart? I can’t answer the phone. If I hear his voice, I will lose whatever control I have right now. It will be my undoing.
What the hell is wrong with me? This is supposed to be a happy time. I should be excited that Jamie asked me to be part of their engagement. So why do I feel like a shitty best friend. Why am I allowing my problems to overshadow my happiness for Camryn?
Lincoln and I have been together since our junior year in high school. I thought we would be the first to get married in the group. I guess I was wrong. Being with Lincoln was enough for me…before the night that changed everything…but now I want more.
Once I have everything set, I gather the empty bags and toss them into the trash can. I flip the light switch on the wall, and lock the door behind me as I leave the atmosphere that I am dying to be in.
Why hasn’t Lincoln proposed to me yet? Does he plan on asking me? How much longer am I supposed to wait? These are just a few of the questions that run through my mind while I wait for the elevator in the quiet hallway.
Unspoken Promises (The Unspoken Love Series Book 2) Page 5
