Eyes that are now dull and a look of hopelessness that I’d never imagined seeing crosses Lincoln’s face. Curses fall from Lincoln’s mouth as he turns and exits the room with Christian and Jamie following.
“Morgan, what the hell happened between the two of you?” Camryn asks when she approaches my bed.
“Evidently, I’m a whore. He asked if the baby was his. He fails to remember what I walked in on and saw at Aces tonight. You know, moments before the cab was hit and I lost my baby.”
I swallow hard, seething with anger.
Who the hell does he think he is?
“Move over,” Camryn says as she pulls back the sheet. I make room for her. She crawls into bed with me, and I wrap my arm around her waist and lay my head on her chest.
She brushes her fingers through my hair. “He had no idea you lost the baby.” Camryn states. “They wouldn’t tell him anything since you weren’t married.”
I shake my head. The anguish in her voice shatters the last shreds of my control. Grief and despair tear at my heart. Tears blind my eyes and deep sobs rake my insides.
Camryn sits quietly for a few moments. She sighs heavily, her voice filled with anguish
“Morgan, I know this is hard on you. But the two of you lost a baby. The two of you are going to be mourning the loss of a child. Please remember that. This effects both of you.”
As I bite my lip to control the sobs, Camryn continues to run her fingers through my hair. My stomach knots and I stiffen under her touch. “I know it does. I just don’t know what to do.”
“A piece of your baby will live in your hearts forever. I don’t believe the loss of a child is something one can overcome alone. Lincoln is hurting, too, sweetie. The two of you should heal together.”
I can feel my throat closing up. I gulp hard, hot tears slipping down my cheeks. “I feel so hopeless, so full of despair. This is just a slower way of dying. I’m dead inside, Camryn. My unborn child is dead. Lincoln and I are as good as done and I’d rather feel nothing. It would be so much easier.”
MORGAN
“In my heart there stirs a quiet pain.”
– Unknown
Grief is like choppy, angry waves in a treacherous ocean. The intensity of the sea swells can rise and take us under. This storm has ripped me to pieces. I’m not quite sure if I’m going to make it back to shore. Come to think of it, do I have a reason to even try to make it back to shore. That commitment requires there to be something worth fighting for to keep me swimming, fighting, struggling to make it back. What do I have to fight for? Here I am, lost in the middle of a dark ocean, no lifeboat, no light, in the middle of a violent storm. Just the glimmer of the moon shadowing down to the dark sea.
No one talks to me about what happened because I lose it every time and cry for hours. I don’t want to know the details. I knew something was wrong when the paramedics put me on the gurney and into the ambulance. I felt the pain, the cramping. Even as the blood streamed down my face from the gash on my forehead, all I could focus on was the pain in my abdomen. I knew deep in my heart—my soul—that my baby wasn’t going to make it.
I didn’t want to believe that I lost the baby. At that moment, I felt as if life was slipping away from me somehow. That there was no hope of a happy ending for me. Maybe there isn’t. Maybe this is God’s way of punishing me for hurting Lincoln, for not telling him when I had the chance. He didn’t even have a chance to hear the baby’s heartbeat and that knowledge steals my breath. Sort of my karma.
My hand caresses my hollow stomach. The place where my baby was just hours ago.
The wheelchair comes to an abrupt stop. Karsen and Camryn sense my apprehension on leaving the hospital. They both offer me their hands to help me from the chair. They support my elbow and lead me to Camryn’s father’s SUV.
“I’m on duty till midnight. Call me if either of you need anything,” Karsen says.
“Thanks, I’m sure I’ll be okay once I get settled at home.”
Camryn walks around the front of the car and climbs in. The click of her seatbelt startles me and I flinch. Get it together, Morgan. I let out a deep breath.
I refocus my attention on Camryn. “Um… thanks for picking me up. I couldn’t bear taking a cab to my apartment.”
I look over to see Camryn staring at me. “You don’t have to thank me. You’re my best friend. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”
I squeeze my eyes shut when Camryn pulls away from the curb.
“You okay?” she asks. I can’t speak past the knot in my throat. I nod my head, still keeping my eyes closed while she drives me home.
Camryn sighs when she puts the car in park. “We’re here. You can open your eyes now.”
When I open them, the sun shines bright. How ironic, since I’m dark and dead inside. She guides me from the car, to the elevator and to my apartment. “I’ll get you settled on the couch and get you some lunch,” she says quietly.
As she walks into the kitchen, she tries to hide her sniffle, but I hear it. I can’t bring myself to pretend everything is okay.
A single tear falls free. I wipe it away and take a deep breath, pulling my legs to my chest, I wrap my arms around them. I can’t wrap my head around the events of the last day. I had a baby growing inside my belly yesterday morning when I left my apartment. Hours later, I don’t. My baby was taken from me in the blink of an eye.
The logical side of me keeps telling me that accidents happen. I know that. But the irrational side of my brain wants to blame Lincoln for this. If he hadn’t been screwing around with Lauren in his office, I would have never stormed off, jumped in that cab and been at that location when the accident happened. What did I do to deserve this? Why am I being punished? Life isn’t fair.
I hate myself. I hate Lincoln. Anger and blame feel better than dealing with the reality that I lost my baby. It’s easier to be angry than to feel pain and grief.
“Here’s a sandwich and a bottle of water.”
I quickly wipe my tears from my face and take the plate from Camryn. “Thanks,” my voice barely above a whisper.
She sits next to me and pats my leg. “It’s going to be okay, sweetie. You’re strong, you’ll get through this.”
“I shouldn’t have to get through this. This…” I point to my stomach, “should have never happened.”
There’s a knock at the door. “I’ll get it,” Camryn says and gets up from the couch. When she opens the door, anger fills my chest when I hear the voice of who is standing before her. A lump forms in my throat, pressure builds in my chest. Lincoln was the last person I saw before everything went black. Before everything changed. Before my life was forever altered.
“I’ve been trying to call her all morning. She won’t answer. Jamie said she was discharged and you were bringing her home.”
Camryn doesn’t open the door farther. “I don’t think now is a good time. She just got settled. I don’t think she’s up for company,” she says almost apologetically.
“I get it, but can I come in. Just for a few minutes. I won’t stay long,” Lincoln says quickly.
“Let him in, Camryn. It’s okay.” I say dejectedly. As angry as I am, ignoring each other won’t change what happened. To be honest, ignoring each other will only make it worse. We need to talk.
“I’m going to head out and give you guys some privacy. Are you okay?”
“Thanks. I’m okay.”
“Call me if you need anything, promise?”
I nod. She walks over and kisses my head. “I love you. Call me later.”
“Love you, too. Thanks for the ride home.”
When the door closes behind Camryn, my apartment is completely quiet. I don’t know what Lincoln wants me to say. So rather than say anything, I pick at the chipped polish on my fingers.
“I know you don’t want me here, I’m not stupid. I just needed to see that you got home safely. I’m not going to claim I understand, because I never will. I lost my baby, too, Morgan.”<
br />
I raise my head, looking him straight in the eye “You’ll never understand. It was my job to keep my baby safe… and I failed.” I emphasize the word my. I know he is hurting. It’s written all over his face. Pain radiates from his normally vibrant eyes. His hair is disheveled as if he hasn’t brushed it since I last saw him. He’s broken as much as I am. But I still can’t let myself feel his pain. I have enough of my own to bear and mine alone is crushing.
“It’s not your fault, Morgan.” Why did he go there? My heart hurts just thinking about losing my baby… thinking about what could have been. I don’t want to talk about it. Not today… I’m not quite sure I’ll ever want to talk.
Tears stream down my face. “I know it was an accident. I know, there was nothing I could do to stop it, but I wish I could turn back the hands of time and never get in that cab; never walk into your office and saw you with Lauren… but I can’t.”
“Morgan, please. I’m so sorry. Nothing happened, you’ve got to believe me. I never meant for this to happen,” his voice breaks.
I take a deep breath. “I know you didn’t, but it did.” I know this isn’t Lincoln’s fault. But that still doesn’t stop the anger that I have. I sense his turmoil, a moment of insecurity that makes me want to pounce for the win. My smart ass comment wasn’t necessary. But if I hurt, I want him to hurt, too.
Lincoln lifts his stormy blue eyes to meet my gaze. “I’m sorry I asked if the baby was mine,” his voice cracks.
“I am, too,” I say low under my breath.
“I wish I could take the pain away.”
“Me, too.”
“Why are you here?” I ask him.
“I’ll always be here for you, Morgan. Always.”
“Why…” I swallow.
“Where else would I be? I promised you years ago that night in the cop car. I’d always be here for you.”
Everyone gathered at the beach for a bonfire to celebrate our graduation. Chairs were placed around the fire. Some brought blankets to lay on the beach. Coolers were filled with beer and ice. Some people brought alcohol to mix with drinks.
Music blared from one of the trucks parked near us on the beach. Lincoln and I sat on the tailgate of one of the trucks. I sat between Lincoln’s leg, nestled against his chest. He held me in his arms all night, never letting me go.
The beach was dark all except for the fire. The blue and red lights lit up the dark sky. The cops came pulling up. The lights from the cop cars blinded us.
I grabbed Lincoln’s hand, “Come on, let’s go.”
He stumbled off the back of the truck.”
“Come on, we can outrun them. There’s too many of us. They won’t catch us.” I said excitedly.
Lincoln grabbed my hand and we took off. After we ran for what seemed like miles, I lost my footing and fell in the sand. Lincoln stopped dead in his tracks.
I turned back to see two lights coming in our direction.
“Run, get out of here. I’ll be okay,” I told him.
“I’m not leaving you. Are you insane?” he growled at me.
The cops caught up to us when Lincoln pulled me to my feet.
“Stop, put your hands up.” The officer yelled. We did what we were told.
They walked up to us and shined the light in our eyes. “Do the two of you have a name?” The one officer asked.
I laughed. I’m not sure if I laughed because I was nervous or because I’d been drinking.
“Yes, sir. Lincoln Gates and this here is my girlfriend, Morgan Kennedy.”
The other officer asked. “Do the two of you have ID on you?”
“Yes, sir in my back pocket.”
I laughed again. “Do you find this funny, young lady?” the officer asked sternly.
I shook my head. “No, sir. When I took off I forgot my purse in the back of the truck. My ID is back there.”
“Have the two of you been drinking?”
We both shook our heads.
“I can smell the alcohol on you from where I’m standing,” he stated matter-of-factly.
“Sir, we were having the traditional bonfire on the beach to celebrate. We graduated this evening from high school.” Lincoln told the officer.
“Put your hands in front of you. The cop put the cuffs on quick. “Well, you can spend the night in jail and think of all the reasons why you shouldn’t be drinking while you’re underage.”
The officers hauled our asses back down the beach to the cop cars by the bonfire.
“Officer, is there really a need to arrest us. Surely you can see that we were just having a little fun? You were young once.” I tried to sweet talk him.
He opened the door to the car. He grabbed my hands and took the cuffs off. “Get in.” He motioned with his hand.
I dropped down on the seat and turned to put my legs in the car. I looked up at him and batted my eyes. “Do I get my one call?”
The cop slammed the door in my face without answering.
The door on the other side opened and Lincoln slid in.
“Do you think flirting with the cop is going to get us out of this?” he asked.
I shrugged my shoulders. “Who knows, it got me out of a speeding ticket a few months back.”
Lincoln laid his head against the back of the seat and stared at the ceiling. “Tonight was not supposed to go like this,” he grumbled.
I hiccupped. “I’m sorry. You should have left me.”
He turned his head to look at me. “I would never leave you.”
“We’re going to jail, Lincoln. We’re sitting in the back of a cop car. You should have left me.”
“You thought it would be fun to run?” he said then laughed at me.
“Did you think I was just going to sit there? Of course we had to run.”
“Your father is gonna kill me,” Lincoln said, sounding defeated.
“No, he won’t. He knows what happens at the bonfire. He knew we would drink.”
Lincoln pulled me across the back of the seat and I snuggled into his side.
I don’t know how long we sat there, but it seemed liked hours. We talked all night. We talked about what going to college would be like. How things would be for us. We promised to stay together, that college wouldn’t change our relationship since we were both staying local.
Lincoln cupped my face and kissed me.
“I love you, Morgan,” he whispered against my lips.
He kissed me again. “Always and forever.”
I smiled from ear to ear. I reached up and cupped his face. “I love you so much.”
A tap on the window startled us and we pulled apart. We both turned at the same time. Lincoln’s father stood outside the cop car. Arms crossed over his chest.
He opened the door and glared at us. “Get out.”
Lincoln and I quickly moved from the backseat. “You two are lucky the officer called me or you would be spending the night in jail.”
Lincoln avoided his father’s glare.
This night couldn’t get any worse. Of all the people they called, they called his dad. Lincoln would have rather sat in jail all night than have his dad involved.
“Morgan, do your parents know where you are?” he asked.
“Yes, Mr. Gates.”
“Are they expecting you home tonight?”
“No, I’m supposed to spend the night at Camryn’s.”
“Call Camryn and tell her to come back here. I’ll take the two of you to her house.”
“Thank you, Mr. Gates.”
Lincoln gently nudges me bringing me back from my daydream. A small smile forms on my face. “What are you thinking about?” he asks.
“The night we got thrown in the back of the cop car at the beach. That was the night you told me you loved me for the first time.”
When he spoke, his voice was tender, almost a murmur. “I loved you then and I will always love you, Morgan.”
I smile remembering that night. Things weren’t complicated between us. I wish I
was a teenage girl in love again. Not a care in the world. If only I could click my heels together and go back in time. I laugh. The sound of my laugh sounds so unfamiliar since all I’ve done is cry the past few days.
“That was a memorable night.” I stare at him wordlessly.
A deep chuckle greets me. “The look my father gave me when he walked up to the window. If looks could kill, I would have been dead there on the spot.”
“Things were so easy back then. Why are they so complicated now, Linc?” my voice wavers.
“I wish I knew,” his voice distant.
We sit in silence again. Neither of us saying a word to each other. I reach over to grab the remote from the end table and click on the television. I was hoping Lincoln would take that as his cue to leave, rather he made himself comfortable at the other end of my couch. After a few minutes, he gets up and comes to sit next to me. His arm wraps around my shoulder, pulling me close to his side. My arm instinctively laces across his waist and I lay my head on his sculpted chest.
Lincoln’s fingertips draw an invisible pattern on my arm. I crave his affection. He’s my security, my hope that things will get better. His embrace is comforting. Just having him here gives me some comfort. Camryn’s right, we need to lean on each other during this time. We just have to remember how to do that.
I lean my head back and gaze into his eyes. I wrinkle my nose and shake my head. “I feel so empty, yet I feel so much pain. How is that even possible?”
“I feel the same way, babe.” He bends his head slightly forward, placing a soft kiss on my forehead. “I would do anything possible to take that pain away from you. You have to know that.”
“I’m so confused. I don’t know how I ended up here. I don’t understand how my broken heart is part of God’s plan.”
“It wasn’t, babe. I’m not a religious man, but God has a path for everyone in life. He hears our prayers. I know he hears you.”
Unspoken Promises (The Unspoken Love Series Book 2) Page 18
