Talking to Addison

by Jenny Colgan

  ‘Aha!’ he whipped one out and jammed it in the CD player, shoving up the volume knob.

  ‘What …?’ I started, but I could get no further, because the speakers suddenly boomed –

  ‘ONE STEP BEYOND …’ and WHOP, high-decibel Madness came crashing out of the speakers.

  The drowsy dancers jumped as if they’d been slapped, and stared menacingly at the infidel who’d dared to contaminate the mood, but Finn was protecting the CD player with a fierce look on his face. Sure enough, within two seconds, the entire crowd of Jameses and, in fact, every single boy of un certain âge at the party (Josh excluded, natch) rushed into the sitting room and started bouncing up and down, doing leg kicks, putting on sunglasses, pretending to walk downstairs, playing imaginary saxophones and generally having a fabulous time.

  ‘Dance!’ shouted Finn at us. I’d been staring, open-mouthed, at the scene, but on his command, Addison and I began bobbing up and down gamely, and I started to laugh. The room was absolutely heaving with aftershave and testosterone, and the noise was frightful as lots of people in Paul Smith started yelling about how baggy their trousers were. Kate was looking daggers at me, until John leaned over and said something in her ear and she lowered her head and smiled, and hand in hand they threaded their way out of the sitting room. I doubted we’d be seeing her again tonight, and possibly never again if she played her cards right. Finn bared his teeth at anyone approaching the stereo until it became clear that anyone trying to change it now would either get pounded en masse, or die from aftershave inhalation before they got there. Then he came and hopped up and down with us. Addison was hopelessly uncoordinated and danced like a three-legged dog running. I tried to dance ironically, as it was music from the eighties, but dancing ironically can’t really be done, and you just expend a lot of effort and get sweaty and, anyway, no one was watching, so I gave up and went back to hopping along with Finn. The three of us were right at the far corner and there was no way Carol was going to get through the line of crazy boys – stockbrokers by day, phantom flying saxophonists by night. And, sure enough, halfway through ‘House of Fun’, we saw her slamming the gate and storming off down the road, Farah galloping along beside her to keep up.

  ‘Woo,’ I said, when the three of us had finally made our escape and landed up, as tradition dictated, back in the kitchen. We were red-faced, and I kept giggling when I thought of the mayhem still taking place next door.

  ‘Those City boys sure know how to party,’ I said, opening beers for the three of us.

  ‘You could have fooled me,’ said Finn. ‘They were talking about how they nearly got killed on their years off and whether or not they’d shag Sophie Rhys-Jones an hour ago.’

  ‘Like I said; they clearly know how to have fun.’

  Out of the corner of my eye, I suddenly caught sight of Kate’s colleague again, enthusiastically chatting up one of those tiny Natalie Imbruglia types – those girls you could keep in your handbag. The lying bastard! He looked up when he sensed my eyes on him and mock shrugged whilst I turned away and felt absolutely horrible.

  Josh and Sophie were still on the other side of the table, and from what I could make out she was still talking.

  ‘So, of course, Daddy didn’t really want me to get a job – you know what these ancient families are like, just want to carry on the line, don’t they? But I said, “No, Daddy, I feel a higher calling – I think the country needs me, and it’s my duty. And I’ll do it with or without your help.” And of course he realized he was beaten then, and that’s when he bought the little run-around and the mews, and got me into chambers.’

  ‘You really showed him,’ said Josh admiringly.

  ‘I know. So, anyway, what was your family doing pre 1700?’

  Josh told her.

  ‘Mine were picking potatoes,’ I said.

  ‘Mine were being purged from somewhere,’ said Finn.

  ‘You always have to go one better, don’t you?’

  I turned to Addison.

  ‘How are you doing? Did Claudia decide not to come after all?’

  He shrugged. ‘She was a bit pissed off at me.’

  ‘Why? Not for talking to me?’

  ‘A bit that … and a bit for asking her. She really can’t get out of the house.’

  ‘Is this your girlfriend?’ Finn asked with concern.

  ‘No!’ I felt like saying. ‘She’s a big fat girl with a warty chin whom Addison has never met. Really, I’m his girlfriend. Practically.’

  ‘Uh huh,’ said Addison. ‘She’s … she’s agoraphobic.’

  ‘Oh, that’s nasty. You know, I saw this study in the SA …’

  And that was it. They were away again. Amazing. It was like they were talking some bizarre language of their own.

  Suddenly, I became aware of an absolutely disgusting smell. I turned round and, sure enough, there was Chali snogging her record producer. I nudged her in the back.

  ‘Chali … he really smells.’

  ‘I know,’ she winced at me. ‘Feel this – I’ve been running my fingers through his hair.’

  She held out her hand. It was distinctly sticky.

  ‘Are you sure about this?’

  ‘Are you joking? How do you think Celine Dion got her career?’

  ‘I don’t know – kissing dirty people?’

  ‘Exactly!’

  ‘Exactly not!’

  ‘Anyway, what do you think ecstasy is for?’

  The crusty grunted crossly and she gave him a huge snog. I felt my stomach turn and sat back with a sigh, picking up an entire bowl of toffee popcorn and proceeding to listlessly chew my way through it whilst watching Addison and Finn. They had their heads together. Finn looked like a ten-year-old being told the facts of life by the coolest guy in the school.

  Madness definitely marked some kind of high point to the evening, and people had started to drift around in gradual bags-goodbye-mini-cab rounds (except for the pot smokers, of course, who weren’t technically allowed to leave until 5 a.m.). One of them was even now blearily attempting to make one hundred and forty-seven pieces of toast. On seeing the first people leave, Sophie leapt to her feet, Josh springing equally quickly up to pull out her chair.

  ‘Well, thank you, Joshua, for a charming evening. And thank you so much for agreeing to take on those extra cases. Really, you’re quite the sweetie. You remind me of my girlfriends. Now, call me a cab, will you?’

  Josh moved as a man under hypnosis to do her bidding. I made a mental note to remember her address for Kate so she could order her one hundred takeaway pizzas and put her telephone number on one of those prostitute cards you get in telephone boxes.

  The Jameses came traipsing in one by one to make sure Kate realized how late they had stayed. Their faces fell when I told them she’d left already, but they perked up again when they tried to competitively book limos home on their gold cards.

  The people we didn’t know melted away too, leaving no trace of themselves behind, although taking lots of our traces with them, mostly in the shape of CDs and small ornaments. And finally it was pretty much just Josh, Addison, Finn and me, huddling round the kitchen table surrounded by piled ashtrays, empty cans, crushed food, broken plates, the denful of pot smokers in Josh’s room (we hadn’t told him about them), and the collapsed person, who was still blocking the doorway, but we’d periodically checked on his breathing, and he seemed OK.

  ‘Well, I thought that went pretty well,’ said Josh.

  ‘I don’t know,’ I said, pouring us all a whisky. ‘Nobody vomited all over anybody’s bed. Nobody got pregnant. The police didn’t even come once. It hardly counts as a party at all.’

  ‘There’s a bloke passed out.’

  ‘Yeah, but somebody brought him. Doesn’t count.’

  ‘Oh, yeah. And I spent the whole night talking to Sophie! I thought that went rather well too.’

  ‘What? Josh, she’s at home right now measuring you up for a gingerbread house.’

  ‘Didn�
�t you like her?’

  ‘Well, she’s very … posh.’

  ‘She’s not that posh. She went to school with one of my sisters.’

  ‘Oh, right. Josh, your sisters went to Cheltenham Ladies.’

  ‘I know … but, you know, she went to school.’

  ‘Are you going to see her again?’

  ‘Well, I’ll see her on Monday,’ he said brightly. ‘I’ve offered to take on some of her extra work.’

  ‘So you’re going to be her fag?’

  ‘Oh, for goodness sake, Holly – I will not be letting her …’

  ‘What?’ I constantly begged Josh to tell me what public school boys got up to, but usually he would have none of it. Had he just let his guard down?

  ‘Please tell us what fags normally do,’ I pleaded.

  ‘Nothing,’ he said crossly.

  Finn looked around.

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry – I guess it’s time to go …?’

  ‘Yup.’

  ‘I’d better …’

  ‘Where do you live?’ I asked him.

  ‘Ehm … Lewisham.’ Lewisham was right over the other side of London.

  ‘God … are you going to try and book a cheap flight?’

  He smiled weakly.

  ‘I’ll call a cab.’

  ‘You can stay over if you like.’

  ‘Mmm,’ agreed Josh. ‘You can kip on the sofa.’

  Then, I said it practically before I’d opened my mouth. It was purely a product of a disappointing evening, that bloke running away, everyone else pairing up, the white wine, Kate being madly in love and the whole damn thing, but I said it anyway:

  ‘Or you could stay in my room.’

  There was a stunned silence. I could have chopped off my tongue with a cheese slice.

  Addison was wearing a confused expression. Josh was grinning hugely with excitement. Finn’s eyes flicked to the side, as if to check that he’d heard what he’d just heard.

  ‘Ehm, sorry?’

  ‘And I’ll sleep on the sofa!!!’ I immediately added, hoping that would sort it.

  ‘Ha!’ said Josh. ‘Is that what you really meant?’ Finn still appeared distinctly nonplussed.

  ‘Yes it is!’ I said immediately. ‘I’m just being a good hostess, Josh.’

  ‘Oh, in that case, why don’t you and Finn take my room? I’ve got a double bed, at least, and I don’t mind sleeping on the sofa.’

  ‘Oh, shut up,’ I said. ‘Why don’t you sleep with him then?’

  That was even worse. In fact, that was up there with the rudest things I had ever said in my life, including calling Marion Annis a big fat cow and getting detention. I couldn’t believe myself.

  ‘No need to get bitchy about it,’ Josh said, bitchily. ‘I was only …’

  ‘Oh, there you are!’ said a small, precise voice.

  We all looked round.

  ‘Madeleine!’ said Finn, leaping up. ‘You came!’

  I could not fucking believe it. It was the swotty girl from the Natural History Museum.

  ‘Yes. Sorry I’m so late. Crisis in the gerbil wing.’

  ‘That’s OK – it’s good to see you. I think things are pretty much finished, but …’

  ‘I’m just going off to shoot myself in the head,’ I announced, getting up. ‘Excuse me, everyone.’

  After they’d gone, I slowly emerged back into the kitchen to apologize to Josh.

  ‘Sorry about that, Holl,’ said Josh. ‘I didn’t realize you were sweet on him.’

  ‘I’m not,’ I said in despair, giving Addison a wistful glance. ‘It’s just, he’s the only other man I know. Who’s not already going out with someone they met on the Internet.’

  I gave Addison what I hoped was an appealing glance.

  ‘Good night,’ he said, horrified, and disappeared.

  ‘Men find me DISGUSTING,’ I hollered, with my head in my hands the next morning. ‘I AM disgusting!’

  ‘I too am DISGUSTING,’ yelled Josh, who was sitting next to me. ‘Everyone DESPISES me. Stop yelling!’

  ‘How can I stop yelling? I HATE myself! AND my pathetic lifestyle. Is there anyone I DIDN’T try and get off with last night?’

  ‘ME!’ shouted Josh. ‘Because I am SO DISGUSTING even YOU didn’t want to get off with me!’

  Suddenly, from the hallway, we heard the door open and somebody singing. We stared at each other, dumbfounded.

  ‘Fuck off!’ shouted Josh experimentally. He wasn’t a swearer.

  Kate put her head round the door, surprised. ‘Hello, everyone! How are you? Anyone want some breakfast? I’ve got fresh croissants!’

  ‘Oh, it’s you,’ Josh said wearily. ‘Don’t fuck off, then. Come in, in fact. We need cheering up immediately.’

  Kate stepped over the comatose person who was still slumped in the doorway.

  ‘Last night not go too well with Sophie then?’ She didn’t seem displeased. ‘What’s the matter? Aren’t your parents related to each other?’

  She hummed as she opened a carton of orange juice. I looked at her grumpily out of the corner of my eye and wondered what was wrong with the picture. Then it struck me.

  ‘Ehm, Kate,’ I said gingerly. She might seem in a good mood, but nothing was ever certain. ‘Everything is clearly going fabulously well with, “John”, yes?’

  ‘Oooh, yes,’ said Kate, switching on the coffee maker. ‘Anyone want toast?’

  ‘Me, please,’ coughed the prostrate figure on the floor. We ignored him.

  ‘Well, then … you know, shouldn’t you still be there? Squeezing him orange juice and making him fresh coffee, given that we don’t really give a toss what we drink, as long as it’s got a side order of paracetamol?’

  ‘Do you know, they should really make fizzy drinks with paracetamol already in them,’ mused Josh. ‘It would save a lot of time in the morning.’

  ‘Yes, Josh, that’s a great idea – they could call it Suicide Juice,’ said Kate dismissively. ‘Well, actually, I am back here because after a glorious night in a hotel …’

  ‘Ooh, the Ritz!?’ I said.

  ‘The Sheraton. Practically the Ritz.’

  ‘But, by the same token, practically a Novotel. Go on.’

  ‘He had to fly to Brussels.’

  ‘At nine o’clock on a Sunday morning?’

  ‘Four o’clock actually. He’s very busy.’

  ‘He’s very married!’ yelled Josh. ‘Oh God, forget it. Why listen to me? I’m disgusting. At least you get to have sex.’

  ‘Married!!!’ yelled the guy on the floor, suddenly jumping to his feet and staring around him wildly.

  ‘I’m meant to be getting married!!’

  ‘We all were,’ I said. ‘But then, society lied to us.’

  ‘No, no, I mean … what day is it?’

  ‘Sunday.’

  ‘Oh my God, I’m meant to be getting married – today!’

  ‘OK,’ I said.

  ‘No, no – to Carrie.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Shit, I must have been so pissed – where am I?’

  We regarded him with some amusement.

  ‘Pimlico. The seedy end, but it’s not far from the tube.’

  ‘Where?’

  ‘Pimlico.’

  His face stubbornly refused to register.

  ‘London?’ Josh tried again.

  The comatose guy turned ashen. ‘London,’ he said.

  ‘Where did you think you were?’

  His face twisted. ‘Cardiff?’ he said. ‘Arrrggggghhhhh!’ he said. Then he grabbed his shoes and vanished.

  We rushed into the sitting room so we could see him scramble down the street.

  ‘The tube’s the other way!’ yelled Josh.

  ‘You’ve got a two in three chance it won’t work anyway!’ I shouted. ‘You should cut your losses!’

  ‘There’s a cabbie who’s going to get extremely rich today,’ observed Kate.

  ‘Oh, I’m sure he’ll find his way back and have lo
ts of wacky adventures on the way,’ said Josh.

  ‘No, Josh, you’re thinking of all those TV programmes and films.’

  ‘Ooh, so I am.’

  We turned back to the kitchen to wearily start going round with the binbags.

  ‘Oh God,’ I groaned. ‘I keep remembering other awful things I did.’

  ‘Like what?’ said Kate, perkily.

  ‘Oh, some guy – actually, he said he works with you. Some oily chap. He was here …’

  Kate went pale. ‘Geoff? Geoff was here?’

  ‘Yes, that was his name, the wanker. Anyway –’

  ‘What did he say? Did he mention me?’

  ‘He mentioned his Porsche. Wanker.’

  ‘Oh God, it was him.’

  Josh patted her gently on the shoulder as the penny finally dropped.

  ‘The dog-dentist guy?’

  ‘The married-with-children guy,’ spat Kate.

  ‘Well, you know, who cares?’

  ‘Me! I wanted him to see me and John and how happy we were and then beg me to come back to him so I could say no!’

  ‘Kate, has it ever crossed your mind that you might be the teensiest bit neurotic?’

  ‘Are you joking? Why do you think I pay my therapist eighty pounds an hour?’

  ‘To tell you you’re neurotic?’

  ‘Yes, and that it’s OK.’

  ‘Anyway. You didn’t even let me finish the story of why I was so awful.’

  ‘Huh! Thank God I’m only neurotic!’

  ‘She asked Finn to go to bed with her,’ said Josh.

  ‘Did you?’

  ‘God, Josh, that was not the way it happened, OK? It was a slip of the tongue and I didn’t mean it.’

  ‘No such thing as a slip of the tongue,’ said Kate darkly.

  ‘Oh, did your therapist tell you that as well? Was that before or after she explained why she wasn’t a real doctor? Slip of the A-levels, maybe?’

  ‘Do you think you might have an aggression problem?’

  ‘My flatmates are accusing me of being a whore and I’m the one with the problem.’

  ‘Holly, calm down,’ said Josh. ‘We didn’t mean it.’

  ‘And you started the conversation,’ pointed out Kate.

  I sighed. ‘I’m sorry. I’m just so completely fucked off with myself.’