Tagan's Child

by ammyford1

  “Ahran was the brother that Tagan never had, he took his death very badly and blamed himself.”

  If he only felt half the pain I felt when I lost Katie then it gave me a sense of twisted satisfaction to know he had suffered too.

  “It is one of the reasons why he went to Earth to search for Toby. He felt he owed it to Tagan to find him.”

  “How did he know that Tagan had a child?” This was something that had puzzled me. I turned around and put my feet on the floor so I could look at Leylana without craning my neck.

  “When Tagan died we were too distressed to go through his personal effects. Ahran offered to take care of it for us. He listened to Tagan’s phone messages and found one from your sister informing him that she was carrying his son. Tagan died before he had the chance to listen to it.” Leylana’s voice cracked and her eyes filled with tears.

  “Oh, don’t cry,” I said and moved onto her sun lounger to put an arm around her. I could feel a lump forming in my throat.

  “You never get over the death of your child,” she said, her voice thick with emotion. “Eventually you learn to live with the pain but it never goes away. Outliving your child is one of the cruellest fates there is.”

  I could no longer hold back my tears as she began to sob. Toby was the closest thing I had to my own child and I knew I would lay down my own life for him. I could only imagine what Leylana had gone through. We embraced each other as we cried together, united in our grief. She cried for the loss of her son and I cried for the loss of my sister.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, wiping her eyes. “I like talking about Tagan, I think it is important to keep his memory alive but sometimes I find it overwhelming, especially now knowing how proud he would have been of Toby.” She took a deep breath. “Halsan finds it more difficult to talk about our son. The King is a strong man in many ways but he has trouble dealing with his emotions where Tagan is concerned.” She gave me a weak smile. “Would you like a drink?”

  “Yes, thanks.”

  Leylana got up and spoke into a pad on the wall and then came and sat back down.

  “What I don’t understand is why it took Ahran seven years to find Toby?” I said.

  Leylana sighed. “For a long time Ahran didn’t tell us about Katie’s message, he knew it was from a woman on Earth and just assumed it was a girl Tagan had met who was doing her best to trap him or get money out of him.” I bristled at this. My sister couldn’t have been less like the woman the Queen had just described. At least Leylana had the good grace to look a little embarrassed. “But the reason he didn’t pay any attention to it was because it was thought impossible for an Earth woman to carry a Ramian man’s child,” she said.

  “I knew Katie had tried to contact him,” I thought aloud. “But that doesn’t make any sense.” It hadn’t occurred to me to question whether a human and Ramian could procreate.

  “Our DNA is not compatible with that of a human,” she explained, “it would be like a human trying to mate with,” she paused as she searched for the right comparison, “an ape.”

  I flinched at Leylana’s choice of analogy. I was a little affronted she had just likened my race to apes. “I don’t understand,” I said shaking my head. “If what you say is true then Toby can’t be Tagan’s son.”

  “That’s what Ahran thought, which is why he didn’t pay any attention to Katie’s message at the time.”

  “So when did he start to think that what Katie had said might be the truth?”

  “Just over a year ago a story was reported in the news here that a Ramian man had brought an Earth woman to Ramia and she had given birth to their child, as far as anyone knew it had never happened before. The story was all over Ramia. When Ahran heard this story he told Halsan about Katie’s message. Tagan was our only child and of course, the idea that a grandchild and heir might exist was beyond our wildest dreams. Ahran offered to try and find out whether it was true.”

  “Oh my God! So why were this other Earth woman and Katie able to carry a Ramian child?”

  “That is the big mystery, nobody knows. It has puzzled our scientists ever since.”

  “So Toby is a happy freak of nature,” I marvelled.

  “I’m sorry, I don’t understand,” she said, looking blank.

  “A freak of nature, a...” I searched for another word she might understand.

  “A miracle?”

  Leylana smiled. “Yes a miracle, Toby is our little miracle.”

  One of the servants came in with a jug of fruit juice and two glasses.

  Whilst the servant poured our drinks I digested everything Leylana had just told me. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise that Ahran and I had gone our separate ways, it would have been very difficult coming to terms with never being able to have children with him. I had always wanted a family of my own one day. My attitude towards him had begun to thaw since I had been back in Ramia but at least now I knew it could never have worked. I could continue to hate him without ever having to think about what might have been.

  I waited until the servant had left and we were alone again. I wanted to ask Leylana whether she knew about the circumstances surrounding Katie’s death. Had Ahran told the King and Queen he had caused the accident that had killed her? But the wounds he’d inflicted were still so raw and I found it difficult to voice what I wanted to say. “When I left suddenly last week I had just found out that Ahran…” I faltered, the hole in my chest started to throb painfully. I closed my eyes to it and took several deep breaths.

  “Sophie?” Leylana put her hand on my arm in concern. I didn’t want to break down into tears so I tried to ignore her sympathetic gesture.

  “I had just found out that Ahran was involved in the accident that killed Katie.” I searched Leylana’s face for any sign of recognition.

  Her expression became pained. “Oh Sophie.” She said it so quietly, I wasn’t sure she had said it at all.

  “The police said that no other car had been involved in the accident and yet I find out it was Ahran who had caused Katie to swerve and fall into the ditch to her death.” The hurt and anger began to strengthen my voice.

  Leylana sat on the edge of her chair and took my hands in hers. I sat rigidly but tears had started to spill down my cheeks.

  “You have to understand that Ahran had no intention of harming Katie, it was a tragic accident. He came to the palace after it had happened completely in pieces. I have never seen him in such a state. He has never forgiven himself.”

  “He led me to believe that the first time he’d come to Hatherley was just before Toby’s kidnap, he also neglected to tell me that not only had he been at the accident but that he had probably caused it.” My voice cracked.

  Leylana’s eyes were full of compassion. “Sophie, try and put yourself in his shoes,” she pleaded, “He has spent the last year punishing himself for Katie’s death, the mother of his cousin’s child, how could he possibly tell her sister that he had caused her death.” Her eyes searched mine. “He is a good man and if there was anything he could have done to change the course of events that night he would have done so, he has suffered enough.”

  “But we had become,” I hesitated, “close, and he still didn’t tell me.” There, I had said it.

  “I expect because he was frightened of losing you,” she said, beginning to build a case for him. “It may help you to know that it was Ahran who called the ambulance the night of the accident and he stayed with Katie until just before the emergency services arrived.” This came as a surprise. I had never thought about who had called the ambulance that night.

  I took in a deep breath. So she knew about Ahran’s part in Katie’s death and was aware that Ahran and I had become more than just friends. “But he lied to me. How can I ever trust him when he kept such an important detail from me?”

  “Would you not have done the same thing if you had been in his position?” she questioned.

  “He must have realised that I would find out one day, would it n
ot have been better to tell me sooner rather than later?” I suggested.

  “How do you tell someone you love and you have a chance of happiness with that you caused her sister’s death?”

  I couldn’t help wondering whether Ahran had spoken to Leylana about me, she seemed so certain about what she was saying. And how did she know that Ahran loved me?

  “No matter how difficult it would have been, if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with that person, I would have to have told them, even if there was the possibility it might have torn us apart. Without trust a relationship is fundamentally flawed.”

  “You need to understand that Ramian men are encouraged to be strong and tough and admitting a weakness or mistake is not something that comes easily to them.”

  I let this piece of information sink in. “But why was he on the same road as Katie?”

  “He had discovered where Katie was living but when he got to her house she was pulling away in her car and so followed her. He got held up by some procession in the village and when he finally managed to get through he raced to catch her up, not knowing that she had turned around and was heading back towards him.” Leylana looked at me sympathetically.

  I closed my eyes at the image her words evoked. I had struggled to understand why Ahran had been at the scene of the accident. I wasn’t sure what to think now. I felt so confused. Ahran had broken the one rule that was so important to me in a relationship. Trust. How was I to know he wouldn’t keep something else from me he found difficult to talk about?

  “Oh, I don’t know,” I said in frustration.

  “Was it Talina that told you?”

  I nodded.

  “As I suspected. But she did Ahran a great favour that night because she told you what he probably had tried to tell you a thousand times before. Please try to find forgiveness in your heart, he has been through so much in his life, he deserves some happiness.”

  I sighed. “I think the best thing for both of us is for me to stay away. I’m not Ramian, I’m not even half-Ramian. I don’t belong here. Ahran is betrothed to Talina, I think we should both just forget what happened and he should try to pick up the pieces with her.”

  “He doesn’t love her, he never has.”

  Her disclosure surprised me. Surely she should have been more loyal to her culture of arranged marriage, especially as hers was so successful.

  “I have never seen him look at her the way he looks at you.”

  “Leylana please.” I was trying to be strong and stand by my principles but she was making it so hard for me.

  “I cannot force you Sophie, but I think you are good for him and maybe he is good for you. All I ask is you think about what I have told you, perhaps you will begin to feel differently.”

  “If we stay together, it will bring shame on his family.” It was a weak line of defence after what she had just said and I knew I was beginning to clutch at straws.

  Leylana made a disapproving noise through her teeth. “I believe you have one life, you need to grasp any opportunity that will make you happy, no matter what other people think.”

  “But your marriage to the King was arranged,” I argued.

  “We are very lucky, we fell in love, but there are many people in this world who are forced to marry the partner their parents choose for them and they live in misery. There is much in our culture I respect, but I firmly believe you should be with the person you love no matter what.”

  My head and heart were in a spin. Leylana had skilfully built a watertight case for Ahran and I could feel my resolve slipping. I reminded myself of the dark days that had followed my return to Earth. Ahran had caused me so much pain. Could I forgive him? And yet, I had just found out that it was highly unlikely I would ever be able to have a child with him. This was such a non-negotiable with me when it came to choosing my life partner. “But I want children,” I pleaded as if Leylana had suddenly become my fairy godmother.

  “Well that could be a problem,” she said honestly.

  “Ahran and I could never have a future together,” I insisted.

  “Your sister was able to have a child with a Ramian man,” she continued, unwavering in her defence.

  “But she was only the second Earth human in Ramian history!” I said, struggling to hide my frustration. “The odds of me being able to have one with him are pretty stacked against me.”

  Leylana shrugged and shook her head. “I understand what you are saying, having children was important to me too and in the end I was only able to have one. But looking back, knowing what I know now, would I have married Halsan if I had known we were unable to have more children? My answer would be ‘yes’, I couldn’t imagine a life without him.”

  “You are very lucky to be able to say that. I thought I loved Ahran but I feel so betrayed by him. I’m not sure I will ever be able to feel the same again.” I rubbed my chest where it throbbed painfully. Another question had been haunting me. “So why did it take a year for him to come back to Hatherley?”

  She nodded her head as if she had been expecting this question. “Death is fairly uncommon in our world, when someone dies it is customary to allow that person’s family at least a year’s mourning. We believe it is very important not to disrupt that process. As much as we wanted to bring Toby to our world we had to give him the time he needed to mourn the death of his mother.”

  “But you left him unprotected,” I said accusingly.

  “At the time, we didn’t believe Toby was under any threat. It is only recently that we learnt Bazeera had found out about Toby’s existence.” Her face was full of regret.

  “I wish he had told me he had been to Hatherley before, it would have saved me a lot of heartache.”

  “Try not to be angry with him Sophie.”

  “It’s hard not to be,” I said despairingly.

  She held out her arms to me. I moved onto her chair and we hugged each other again. She was a wonderfully warm person and she clearly wanted to see Ahran happy. I also felt she genuinely wanted the best for me. But I struggled to shake the feeling of betrayal that had been my constant companion since Talina had told me what happened that night.

  She pulled away. “We should get dressed. Halsan will be back by now and dinner will be served at seven.”

  I nodded and gave her a shaky smile. She squeezed my hand reassuringly. I had learnt so much from our conversation and it had given me plenty to think about. Ahran had proven to be a protective, compassionate man, fiercely loyal to his friends and devoted to his sister. A future with him had been temptingly close. But, as a result of his omission, he had unwittingly proven my theory that when something was going well, it was only a matter of time before it all fell apart. I had listened to what Leylana had said and she had done a good job of defending him but the facts remained; not only had he had a hand in my sister’s death but he had broken the fundamental principles of a successful relationship; communication, honesty and trust. I wasn’t sure I could ever forgive him.

  Chapter 31

  I arrived back home early Tuesday evening having spent an enjoyable second day with Halsan, Leylana and Toby showing me around Dinara. The King and Queen were easy company and I felt that after our conversation Leylana and I had become friends. Although we didn’t speak of Ahran again I got the impression the Queen was giving me space to come to my own decision. Once or twice she held my arm as we walked and it was as if she was silently offering her support. However, I was resolute that Ahran and I did not have a future together. I had not followed her advice about looking inside my heart. I had locked it up and thrown away the key. My head ruled this decision. So once again I imposed the ‘no thinking about Ahran’ rule and that evening went to the shop to get it ready for opening the next day. Keeping busy and not allowing myself to think, was the only way forward.

  I spent the whole evening cleaning and making sure the shop was in a more suitable condition. It had been left untouched since Audrey’s attack and the place smelt stale. I cleared out the
fridges, scrubbed the coffee machine and washed the floor throughout. By the time I left, it was gone midnight and I felt satisfied that the shop had returned to its usual state of cleanliness. The following morning Sandie arrived for work and once we had put away the deliveries, I concentrated on running my business.

  The weeks went by and I fell into a predictable routine. The police kept in contact and I received cards and flowers from well-wishers. My guilt at deceiving everyone lessened knowing I was doing the right thing protecting Toby. I visited him every weekend and even some evenings when I didn’t have any paperwork to do. We agreed I would have Mungo for the time being. I needed him for security reasons, apparently, although we both knew Mungo was a useless guard dog. I had my suspicions Toby felt less guilty about being in Ramia and enjoying it knowing I had Mungo for company.

  My heart and the fragile emotions contained within it were a ‘restricted access’ area and I managed to exist by operating on a superficial level. Outwardly, the new Sophie was a clever replica of the old Sophie. She was pleasant and as cheerful as she could be under the circumstances, keeping busy was her way of dealing with Toby’s disappearance. Inwardly, well I didn’t venture inwards. Somehow I’d managed to detach myself from myself. If anyone noticed any difference, they didn’t say and I never gave myself a second where any kind of introspection could take place. When I wasn’t working or visiting my nephew, I was out running with my iPod stuffed firmly in my ears. On the odd occasion I fleetingly allowed myself to gauge the state of my inner self, I discovered I wasn’t happy but I wasn’t unhappy either. I was existing fairly successfully on a plain of mediocrity where I didn’t allow myself to feel anything too deeply. I had settled into living a double life and no longer agonised over Toby being in Ramia, he was happy and thriving and that was all I could ask for. I enjoyed my time with him and felt comfortable in the company of the King and Queen, but whenever I was on my own I did my best to keep my mind occupied and away from the business of feeling.