The Complete Secrets Series

by LK Shaw

  I also realized something else. My motives for helping Phebe were selfish. She wanted to heal and fight against her memories. I was doing this to have an excuse to hold her, kiss her, touch her. During these weeks together my feelings for her had changed. And because Underwood was dead, technically she was no longer my client, which was one of the things holding me back. Trust was the other. Phebe’s trust had been broken so many times and yet the courage it took for her to make this step spoke of her resilience. I knew then that she would never betray my trust.

  And just like that, every barrier I’d built around me began to crack. I’d been fighting my feelings for Phebe since the beginning. I couldn’t fight them any more though. I wouldn’t call it love yet, but it was close. It was a defining moment for me. It made me realize that love didn’t make you weak. It made you strong. It made you want to fight someone else’s demons. And Phebe’s demons were powerful, but I could do this for her. I could be the one to help her heal, all because she put her faith and trust in me, no matter how terrified she was and no matter how many times she’d been burned in the past.

  So, I’d help her overcome her demons, because that’s what you did for someone you cared about. You also made sacrifices, and burying my Dominant side for Phebe was a sacrifice I was willing to make.

  We’d spent the rest of the evening sitting on the couch, kissing like a couple of high schoolers. I literally had to sit on my hands to keep from reaching out for her. Instead, I sat back and learned what she liked. Phebe clung to my shirt and devoured my mouth. The mewling kitten noises she made at the back of her throat were torturous to listen to. But I also felt proud of the fact that just my mouth against hers made her squirm in arousal. It was amazing what lips and a tongue could do.

  Our make out session lasted for far less time than I’d hoped. Before I was ready, Phebe called it a night. She was ecstatic over the progress she’d made in such a short time. We were both anxious for more “practice”, even if my cock throbbed behind my zipper.

  I’d completely regressed to my adolescence because when I got home, I’d taken a cold shower. I couldn’t even help when my hand drifted to my aching shaft and, gripping it tightly, I began to move up and down the hard length with increasing speed. After only a few strokes and a strong imagination, my cock was soon jerking and my release exploded from me, mixing with the water and disappearing down the drain. I was almost embarrassed by how quickly I’d come with just a couple flicks of my wrist.

  After crawling into bed, my mind filled with all the ways I wanted to touch Phebe and I groaned when my cock hardened again. I forced myself to ignore the damn thing and instead shifted my focus to the new case that had landed on my desk the other day. After running through my opening argument in my head, I discovered my erection had waned, thankfully. I rolled onto my stomach, punched my pillow a few times, and fell into a fitful sleep disturbed by erotic dreams I didn’t remember having since I was a teen.

  Phebe

  For three weeks, I’d “practiced” my kissing skills on Donovan. Every day our kisses lasted longer and went deeper. We touched each other often. Well, I did most of the touching, but he would often rest his hand on my waist or thigh once I got comfortable with it. I’d had a few panic attacks where I withdrew inside my own head, but each one seemed to last shorter than the previous and they happened with less frequency. We’d sit on the couch and he would hold me as I recovered.

  Tonight, Donovan had come over for dinner and after we’d cleaned up the kitchen together, we headed out to the living room to watch a movie. I’d let him pick this one, which was an utter mistake. He picked some chick flick, which I’d come to discover I hated. I didn’t think he actually enjoyed it either, but I think it made him feel romantic and he could drape his arm around me. I had a feeling it was the latter. His warmth seeped through my body and relaxed me. I never thought I’d be warm again, but the heat of Donovan’s body proved me wrong. Which was perfectly fine with me, even though I should have told him he didn’t need a cheesy romantic comedy to hold me in his arms.

  I lay pressed against him, my eyes closed as the leading man made giant romantic gesture after another to try and win his lady love. Personally, I thought he was trying too hard, but what did I know. To me, romance was the small things. Things like Donovan flicking me with bubbles from the sink of dishes he was washing while I dried them and put them away. Like Donovan offering me some of his ice cream cone even though I had my own, because he’d chosen my favorite flavor. Romance was Donovan singing “You are my sunshine” to me when I was having an anxiety attack, even though his voice sounded like frogs croaking. To me, it wasn’t only romance. It was love. And even though neither of us had said it, I knew the emotion was shared.

  At least, I thought I did. It was definitely there for me. I was less sure about him. Especially since he was holding back taking things between us to the next level.

  I knew it was partly my fault, because I hadn’t fully committed to it and he was reading my cues. But enough was enough.

  I needed more than kisses and him passively letting me touch him. Donovan was about to get actively involved.

  As I cuddled close to him, I let my hand wander across his chest, plucking at the buttons on his shirt as I traced random patterns on him. Feeling adventurous, my hand drifted lower until I reached his stomach. Donovan flinched and stopped breathing for a few seconds. I kept my head resting against his shoulder as I slowly tugged his shirt up just enough for me to slide my hand beneath it to rest on his bare stomach.

  “Phebe.” There was a warning in his voice.

  “What?” I asked, not so innocently.

  “Are you sure this is a good idea?” His voice deepened and came out a little breathy.

  I tilted my head up a little and his head angled toward me, his eyes boring into mine.

  “We’ve been kissing like middle school kids for long enough, Donovan. I want to explore. Test my limits more. I’m never going to be able to move forward until I push myself. I said that when we first start kissing, but I’ve become comfortable. We’ve settled into a routine, but we haven’t progressed. I haven’t progressed. So, this is me… progressing. Moving our relationship forward.”

  His hand settled over mine. “Do we have a relationship?”

  I hesitated at his question. Maybe I had been reading him wrong this whole time. God, wouldn’t that be just my luck. Here I was, falling in love with Donovan and each and every one of his kisses and touches had been out of pity. No, I wasn’t going to think like that. There was something there.

  “It may not be a conventional type of relationship, but we have something Donovan.” My words came out strong and confident. “It may not be a relationship that lasts longer than it takes for the Feds or Josie to find the Russian, but for the here and now, it exists. Even if it doesn’t progress much further than where we are. You have done more for me over the last three months than anyone has ever done for me in my entire life. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me. I will cherish this time with you always.”

  Donovan’s eyes heated with my words and a flash of something shone brightly in them. “You’re a special woman, Phebe Lawson. My life is also better for having you in it. I’ll follow wherever you want to lead us.”

  “Then let me do this.” My hand shifted farther north as I traced the lines of his abs with my fingers. I counted each one of his “packs” as my fingers trailed upward. Heat burst out of him. I shifted to sit upright. I pulled my hand out from underneath his shirt, took a deep breath, and my other hand joined the first as I fisted the fabric of his polo and tugged. Donovan leaned forward off the back of the couch and raised his arms as I pulled his shirt up exposing his stomach muscles, his chest, briefly covering his face as I dragged the shirt over his head.

  My eyes didn’t leave his chest as I carelessly tossed the shirt on the floor at his feet. His body was sculpted to perfection. My gaze honed in on the giant tattoo over his left pec. It covered almost ha
lf his chest. My fingers traced the anchor, the globe, and the eagle. Just to the left of the tat, almost along his rib cage were dates and names. My eyes darted up to meet his, mine filled with questions.

  “Oorah. After 9/11, I joined the Marines and after I finished all my training, I was shipped to Afghanistan, where I served for six months. We’d just finished our tour when we were ambushed. Half of my platoon was killed, because of me. It was my job to perform reconnaissance and take out any threats. It had been hot as hell that day and the sweat was pouring down my face. I closed my eyes for too long trying to clear the sweat that I missed him. A suicide bomber ran out of the building across from us and detonated his vest killing everyone within range.” Donovan’s tone was full of regret.. blame.

  “Oh, Donovan, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what you went through out there. You can’t blame yourself though.”

  He shrugged. “I’ve come to terms with what happened, but it took me a long time. I also didn’t want to become complacent and forget. Hence, the names. I want a daily reminder of my mistake in hopes I never repeat it.”

  It seemed we both had demons to fight from our past. Oddly, it made me feel so much closer to Donovan, knowing we shared similar pain. It made me want to ease his pain. A boldness unlike any I’d ever felt rushed through me, and before I could even think about what I was doing, I leaned closer to him and my lips brushed over the tattoo. They followed a path along his side as I dotted small kisses over each rib, showing my respect to the sacrifice he made.

  Making a split decision, I stood from the couch and held out my hand. Hesitating only briefly, Donovan placed his in mine, and I led him down the short hallway to my bedroom thinking to myself that it was now or never. I trusted him to stop if I suddenly couldn’t handle things.

  Donovan

  My control was so tightly wound as I followed Phebe down the hall. No matter what happened, I planned on keeping it under an even tighter leash. Everything I did was for her and her implicit trust in me was never more evident than it was now. I didn’t know what tonight would hold, but I would do everything in my power to not fuck it up. As much as it went against every grain in my body, this was Phebe’s time to be in control. She held all the power in her hands.

  We entered her bedroom, a place I’d never been before now, and she guided me to the bed.

  “Sit, please.” Her fingertips lightly pressed against my sternum, and I followed her directive, sitting rigidly on the edge, my feet spread slightly apart, my forearms resting on my knees.

  Phebe stood there, uncertainly, before I could tell she’d made whatever decision she’d been pondering inside that gorgeous head of hers. Her spine stiffened as she drew her shoulders back. Before I could blink, she pulled her own shirt up over her head, tossing it on the nearby chair. She stood looking markedly uncomfortable, refusing to make eye contact, her muscles twitching with the need to cover herself I assumed. Her gaze was directed over my right shoulder and she shifted her weight from side to side.

  She was so beautiful standing there in her yoga pants and white cotton bra. Her nipples were pebbled, and I wasn’t sure if it was from arousal or cold. I guessed the latter. Her breasts were smaller than a handful, which was perfectly fine with me, and her waist dipped in before just flaring out into her hips. She was still on the slender side, but she’d definitely put weight on since she first came here. Her face had filled out and her stomach, while still flat, was no longer sunken in.

  “You’re beautiful, Sunshine,” I whispered, my voice low and controlled to avoid startling her.

  Phebe blinked and finally her gaze met mine. I kept my eyes on her face, not once moving my stare any lower. She flushed a little and quickly looked away before returning to me. Then, she wiped her palms on her pants and took a few steps toward me not stopping until she was standing in the cradle of my thighs. My head was tilted back as I continued staring into her dark chocolate depths.

  “Touch me, Donovan. I want to feel your hands on me.” She punctuated her request by reaching for my hands and placing them on her bare waist. She shuddered at my touch, and I knew it wasn’t from fear.

  Ever so slowly, my hands glided up her sides, my fingers stuttering over her ribcage. She giggled a little.

  “That tickles.”

  Laughter was always a good sign. I chuckled, mumbled an apology, and kept moving. My hands roamed up her back and trailed down her spine. Back up I went until I reached her shoulders and this time I moved to the front. Her nostrils flared and her pupils dilated, the black over running the cocoa-colored depths. My stare finally shifted from her face as I directed my gaze to her body. Tenderly, I traced her collarbones from shoulder to sternum. My fingers made a single line down her breastbone, not slowing as they moved down between her breasts before continuing their southbound trek. Briefly, I felt her pounding heartbeat beneath my touch. I drew a circular pattern around her belly button, her breath hitching as I did.

  “How are you doing?” Her well-being was of vital importance. She didn’t seem to be on the verge of an anxiety attack, but I wanted to make sure she was still okay with what was happening. We didn’t have the luxury of a safe word so I wanted to be sure I kept communicating with her. We hadn’t been together long enough for me to learn her signs of arousal yet, although the dilated pupils and shallow breathing signaled she was okay with where we were so far. It was easy to confuse the signs of arousal with fear though.

  Phebe licked her lips and nodded. I shook my head. “I need words. You have to voice that you’re doing okay.”

  She gave me a small, shy smile. “I’m definitely okay. Keep doing what you’re doing.”

  I chuckled. “You’re awfully bossy, Sunshine. And since I happen to be fully enjoying this, I’ll keep going. But I want you to tell me what you want next. You’re leading the show here.”

  This time, her smile widened, showing teeth. Her cheeky grin warmed my heart. All I wanted to do was keep her smiling.

  “I want to kiss you,” Phebe stated at the same time she leaned down and did exactly as she wanted. Her arms wrapped around the back of my head and instinctively mine circled her waist. We kissed forever, our tongues speaking their own language. I memorized her flavor as my tongue tasted each corner and crevice of her mouth. After a lifetime spent tracing every inch of her, she pulled away, our breathing heavy as we gasped in air.

  “I want you to scoot up to the head of the bed, get under the covers, and close your eyes,” Phebe directed, her voice breathless.

  Keeping a controlled pace hoping not to seem too over eager, I followed her request. With practiced ease, I positioned myself as she asked. I laid there on my back, under the covers, with my hands tucked under my head. My eyes roamed her beautiful form one last time before I followed her last directive and closed my eyes. The sound of clothing rustling had me aching to peek, but I kept my eyes closed. This was about trust and I wasn’t going to do anything to jeopardize Phebe’s. I understood better than she realized how important trust was.

  The bed dipped with her slight weight, and I felt a small waft of air as the covers were lifted. A light touch drifted across my chest and then my whole body froze when I felt the brush of hair across my chest seconds before Phebe’s lips touched my tattoo again. She peppered me with kisses, her hair blanketing me as her lips wandered up and down my left side.

  “You can open your eyes now.” Her voice came out soft.

  Slowly, I did just that, blinking a little to clear my vision. I turned my head and my breath caught. Phebe lay propped up on her elbow the sheet tucked under her armpits covering her from the collarbone down. I noticed she still wore her bra, but the fact that she was here in bed with me amazed me. I knew how much courage it took her to do this. To overcome what Vlad had done to her. I’d never been more proud of someone.

  I waited for her next move. “Still all right?”

  She started to nod, but when I quirked an eyebrow she spoke. “You know, actually I am. Of course, I’m nervou
s as all get out and the butterflies in my stomach are fluttering like crazy, but otherwise, I feel calm.”

  “Good. I don't want you to feel pressured to do anything you’re not ready for. I know I keep saying it, but you truly are in control here, Sunshine. You can trust me.”

  Her fingertip traced my ink as her eyes followed the movement. “All my life people have destroyed my trust. It seems I was always being let down. First by my mother, then Kieran. I didn’t have any true friends until I met Muriel. And now, I have Bridget and I guess maybe even Roger. Then, there’s you. You have been there for me like no one else ever has. From the first moment I saw you, even though I was terrified, there was something about you that pulled at me. You looked at me like I was a person and you believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself.”

  Her hand stopped its movement as her fingers spread out to rest directly over my heart. Her gaze shifted until she stared earnestly into my eyes. “I don’t want you to say anything. In fact, I demand you not saying anything. I just want you to know that I think I’m falling in love with you. I’m pretty sure I don’t deserve you, but I don’t care. When I look at you, I feel so blessed.”

  Phebe’s words absolutely humbled me. This woman had been dealt the shittiest hand imaginable and yet she’d persevered. Her determination to beat back her fear and take back her life was one-of-a-kind. Heeding her words, I didn’t speak. Instead, I threaded my fingers through her hair and pulled her down to me. Our lips met and I poured every unspoken word she refused to let me utter into the kiss. I needed her to understand how much she meant to me and if I wasn’t allowed to tell her, then I’d show her.

  Phebe