B003B0W1QC EBOK

by Easton, Dossie

  Play: To do S/M together. We like this verb, because we think S/M has most of the same elements of ritual, symbolism and collaboration as other kinds of play (from chess to cops-and-robbers).

  Play Party: A get-together of kinkyfolk, anywhere from a handful to hundreds of us, for the purpose of playing in the same space - sometimes to take advantage of special equipment or an extra-nice room, sometimes just for the pleasure of enjoying one another’s energy. People in these environments may play with their regular partner(s) or with someone else, or several someone elses.

  Players: People who do S/M.

  Playroom: Another word for a dungeon.

  Polyamory: An arrangement in which a person has more than one lover, with the active consent of everybody involved. Many kinkyfolk are monogamous, but there are probably more polyamorous people in the kink communities than elsewhere.

  Power exchange: Yet another (slightly euphemistic) term for S/M. Also sometimes “erotic power exchange” or “power play.”

  Pro-Domme: Shorthand for “professional dominant”: a woman who gets paid to help clients enact their masochistic or submissive fantasies, usually non-sexually. There are male professional dominants too; most of them work with male clients. Also, there are a few professional submissives of both genders, usually working (for safety reasons) with one or more professional dominants.

  Public sex: It amazes us to realize that most Americans have never watched another human being having sex. Many kinkyfolk like to get together and have play parties. The authors of this book, and many other kinky people, very much enjoy this kind of public sex, but draw the line at any kind of sex that involves people who have not consented to participate (such as the other folks riding the bus).

  Punishment scene: A scene in which the bottom is being punished for some infraction. This may be “play punishment” - in which the bottom didn’t really do anything wrong but just enjoys the fantasy of punishment. Or the players involved may be in a relationship where one has given the other the right to punish him for mistakes or misbehavior.

  Restraints: Bondage devices, usually of leather or webbing, which go around wrists, ankles and other body parts and can be fastened to one another or to stationary objects.

  Role: Just as actors in plays have roles, so do players in scenes. A role may be as simple as “the one who gets tied up,” or something a bit more theatrical - like a pirate or a baby or a queen.

  S/M: Yet another synonym for BDSM/leathersex/power exchangelet al. You’ll sometimes see it punctuated differently, as “SM” or “S&M.”

  Sadist: Someone who receives erotic pleasure from giving pain to her partners. Yes, we know this word sounds absolutely terrifying - but please remember that kinkyfolk who identify as sadists are typically very ethical about giving pain only to those who have given their full consent. And if they don’t offer the kind of pain that pleases, nobody will play with them.

  Sadomasochism: Yet another synonym for S/M. The word “sadomasochism” is a mixture of the names of two eighteenth-century writers: the Marquis de Sade, who wrote books like “Juliette” and “Ninety Days of Sodom,” and Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, who wrote a book called “Venus in Furs.” De Sade in particular was not representative of the philosophy of modern-day kinkyfolk - in fact, he engaged in and wrote about behaviors that would get him kicked out of any S/M club in the country. (Please don’t read de Sade for clues about what your kinky person is doing!)

  Safe/Sane/Consensual: This is a slogan that has been in widespread use throughout the S/M communities for many years; we use it to distinguish between what we do and real-world abuse and violence. While definitions differ, most of us mean by “safe” that everybody involved is aware of any risks and has taken all possible steps to reduce those risks - some also add that in S/M, we do not do physical or emotional damage that requires professional intervention to heal. By “sane,” we mean that everybody involved has one another’s well-being as their paramount goal, and that everybody is together enough (and sober enough) to understand the ramifications of their actions. By “consensual,” we mean that everybody involved has given their active and uncoerced consent to everything that will happen in the scene.

  Safer sex: Sex in which everybody involved has taken precautions to minimize the possibility of transmitting a disease, most often by using latex barriers like condoms and gloves. This term has come to be preferred over “safe sex,” since sex never has been and never will be entirely safe.

  Safeword: A code word that many kinkyfolk use to signal the status of consent. Many of us like to pretend that we aren’t consenting, so we may cry out words like “no,” “please” and “stop” as part of our fantasy. A safeword is a word that wouldn’t otherwise come up in the scene, that tells our partner that we really do need to stop. Many of us use “yellow” to mean “This is getting too intense for me, I need to you to slow down,” and “red” to mean “Something is wrong, I need you to stop.” (“Green,” of course, means “This is great, let’s do more!”)

  Scene: A predetermined period of time during which two or more people do S/M. Also, sometimes, the whole S/M community and its doings (“Is he in the scene?”).

  Sensory Deprivation: a scene in which the top takes away one or more of the bottom’s senses - a blindfold to remove sight, earplugs for hearing, special bondage that restricts touch, and so on.

  Session: A synonym for scene. Sometimes used especially for a scene with a pro-domme.

  Sex radical: Someone who challenges cultural beliefs about what sex should be like. Some sex radicals dress in drag or leather or diapers and march down Market Street, others quietly influence the people around them by simply living out their sexual philosophies without secrecy or apology. Not all sex radicals are kinky, and not all kinky people are sex radicals.

  Sexual minority: Anybody whose sexual desires or practices place them out of the mainstream - which means just about anybody, at least at some time in their lives. However, the term “sexual minority” is most often used to mean gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgendered folk and kinkyfolk.

  Sexual politics: Anyplace that sex and politics intersect, you have sexual politics. Sexual politics may be about governmental issues like same-sex marriage, or about interpersonal issues like public sex.

  Slave: Someone who has given the right to control many aspects of his behavior to a master or mistress. Remember, consensual slavery is entirely different from institutional slavery: if a consensual slave doesn’t like what’s happening, she can renegotiate or leave.

  Spanking: Striking on the buttocks with a hand or implement - as part of a punishment scene or just for fun. Many folks who enjoy spanking don’t consider themselves to be into S/M There are special support groups, play parties and Internet groups especially for spanking fans.

  Submissive: Someone who receives erotic pleasure from giving up control of some aspects of her behavior, as opposed to receiving physical sensation: in the words of one submissive woman we know, “My fantasy is to be a heroic good girl, and so I like it even better if my dominant makes it difficult for me to be good.” Some people use this as a generic term for anybody who enjoys being the “receiver” in BDSM.

  Support group: A club or organization where kinkyfolk can meet each other, share information and resources, get help with some of their questions and concerns, and socialize together. There are support groups for just about any kink you can imagine - fetishes of all kinds, infantilism, spanking, cross-dressing, S/M and many, many more.

  Suspension: A form of specialized bondage in which the bottom’s body is supported by ropes or other restraints off the floor.

  Swinging: An activity in which (usually heterosexual) couples get together in order to have sex in groups, or with someone other than their usual partners.

  Tantra: A type of yoga (the literal translation of the word is “woven together”) which includes sexual ritual as a pathway to interpersonal intimacy and spiritual ecstasy.

  Titleholder: M
any local S/M communities hold competitions for titles like “Ms. Cleveland Leather” and “Mr. Miami Leather.” Contestants compete on the basis of their contributions to their local communities, their articulateness as spokespersons, and their creativity in putting together choreographed skits/scenes enacting various kinky scenarios. Winners win a leather sash with their title in studs and the opportunity to compete nationally. Each winner serves for one year as a representative of his or her local (or national) leather community, and is also expected to put on events and raise funds for charity.

  Top: A generic term for the person who takes control of her partner’s behavior, sensations, movement or emotions - the dominant, sadist, master, mistress, daddy or what-have-you. Some people use this term specifically to mean someone who erotically enjoys giving strong sensation. We use the first definition in this book.

  Torture: Another scary word! Kinkyfolk use “torture” to mean many forms of erotic pain, ranging from mild to intense - usually on erotically sensitive parts of the body (“cock and ball torture,” “tit torture,” etc.). Like all forms of S/M we discuss in this book, erotic “torture” is done safely and consensually, and is designed to please.

  Toy: Any item used for sex or S/M. Vibrators, dildos, restraints, bondage equipment, whips, clamps and so on are all toys. Players on their way to a play party pack their toys in a toybag.

  Transformation scene: A scene in which one or more guides help transform a person into another gender than his or her usual one. Most often a woman transforms a man into a woman, but the imaginations of kinkyfolk are limitless...

  Transgender: An umbrella term for anyone whose sense of their own gender is not firmly rooted in either “male” or “female.” Transsexuals and some transvestites consider themselves transgendered.

  Transsexual: Someone who lives in a sex that is not the one with which they were born. Transsexuals may or may not have had surgery to change the appearance and function of their genitals. Most but not all of them take hormones to change their physical appearances and voices. The authors of this book consider it a major breach of etiquette to refer to a transsexual by the wrong pronoun (to call a male-to-female transsexual “he,” for example).

  Transvestite: Anyone who enjoys wearing the clothes of another gender. Some transvestites cross-dress for erotic pleasure, others to express an alternate persona, and still others simply because they feel more comfortable and at home while cross-dressed.

  24/7: A dominant/submissive relationship in which the partners relate to one another as dominant and submissive at all times (“24 hours a day, seven days a week”). This typically doesn’t mean that these people are acting dominant or submissive toward one another while they watch TV or tend the garden, but that they move fluidly into those roles and back out of them according to their circumstances and mood, rather than setting up a special scene for that purpose.

  Vanilla: Kinkyfolks’ term for non-kinkyfolks, or for non-kinky sex. This is not intended as an insult - as Catherine notes, “Vanilla is my second-favorite kind of sex.”

  Verbal abuse: Play in which one partner yells at another or calls him nasty names - e.g., “Get down on your worthless knees, you slut.” (We wish there were another word than “abuse” for this, since we don’t think consensual and mutually desired play is abusive.)

  Voyeur: Someone who enjoys watching someone else doing something sexual - the natural partner of the exhibitionist. Ethical voyeurs watch only when invited.

  Watersports: There are two meanings for this word. One is play involving urine - most often one partner urinating on another. The other is play involving enemas. If you’re not sure what someone means by “watersports,” you’ll have to ask.

  Whip: Endlessly creative kinkyfolk make whips out of just about every imaginable material, creating sensations from the gentlest caress to intense pain. If you hear that your kinky person has bought himself a whip, please don’t picture an Indiana Jones bullwhip - the actual implement is far more likely to be a flogger of the softest, most sensual doeskin.

  Workshop: A class in which someone with expertise in a particular technique or subject shares her knowledge with others. A workshop might include lectures, discussion, paper handouts, and/or demonstrations. Workshops are often put on by support groups or at leather conferences.

  Zoophilia: another word for bestiality.

  13

  Resource Guide

  GOOD GENERAL COMMUNICATIONS GUIDES

  The Dance of Intimacy, by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D. Harper & Row, New York, 1986.

  The Intimate Enemy: How to Fight Fair in Love and Marriage, by Dr. George R. Bach and Peter Wyden. Avon Books, New York, 1968.

  BACKGROUND INFORMATION ON ALTERNATIVE SEXUAL PRACTICES

  Books:

  The Bottoming Book: Or, How to Get Terrible Things Done to You By Wonderful People, by Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt. Greenery Press, 1995.

  Consensual Sadomasochism: How to Talk About It and How to Do It Safely, by William Henkin, Ph.D. and Sybil Holiday. Daedalus Press, 1996.

  Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission, by Gloria G. Brame, Will Brame, Jon Jacobs. Villard Books, 1996.

  The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex, by Cathy Winks & Anne Semans. Cleis Press, 1994.

  Leatherfolk: Radical Sex, People, Politics, and Practice, by Mark Thompson. Alyson Books, 2000.

  My Husband Wears My Clothes: Crossdressing from the Perspective of a Wife, by Peggy J. Rudd. PM Publishers, 1999.

  SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, by Jay Wiseman. Greenery Press, 1996.

  The Topping Book: Or, Getting Good at Being Bad, by Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt. Greenery Press, 1998.

  Websites:

  The Society for Human Sexuality, at the University of Washington at Seattle, sponsors an excellent general-interest sexuality website at www.sexuality.org.

  San Francisco Sex Information (which also maintains a wonderful sex information telephone line at 415/989-SFSI) has another great general site at www.sfsi.org.

  For questions specifically about BDSM and related practices, try the detailed site at bdsm.about.com.

  Organizations:

  The Society of Janus is a general-interest BSDM organization, headquartered in San Francisco, for people of all genders and orientations - www.soj.org, P.O. Box 426794, San Francisco, CA 94142, 415/ 292-3222. The Eulenspiegel Society is a similar organization in New York - www.tes.org, P.O. Box 2783, New York, NY 10163, 212/388- 7022. Although these are the largest and best-known BDSM support and education groups, dozens of others exist in other cities and can be found through the websites listed above.

  IFGE (International Foundation for Gender Education). www.ifge.org. P.O Box 367, Wayland, MA 01778.

  IF THE PERSON YOU LOVE IS GAY, LESBIAN, BISEXUAL OR TRANSGENDERED

  Books:

  Coming Out to Parents : A Two-Way Survival Guide for Lesbians and Gay Men and Their Parents, by Mary V. Borhek. Pilgrim Press, 1993.

  Loving Someone Gay, by Donald H. Clark. Celestial Arts, 1997.

  The Transsexual’s Survival Guide II: To Transition & Beyond, for Family, Friends & Employers, by JoAnn Altman Stringer. Creative Design Services, 1992.

  When Sons and Daughters Choose Alternative Lifestyles, by Mariana Caplan, M.A. Hohm Press, 1996.

  Organizations:

  P-FLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). www.pflag.org. 726 M Street NW, Suite 400, Washington, DC 20036, 202-467-8180.

  FOR HELP WITH THERAPISTS, PHYSICIANS, ETC.

  Books:

  Health Care Without Shame: A Handbook for the Sexually Diverse and Their Caregivers, by Charles Moser, Ph.D., M.D. Greenery Press, San Francisco, 1999.

  Websites:

  Kink-Aware Professionals. Author/educator Race Bannon maintains a list on the World Wide Web of therapists, physicians, attorneys and other professionals who are open to working with clients with nontraditional sexualities: it’s at www.bannon.com/kap.

  1 Kinsey,
“Male Sexual Behavior, ”p. 580.

  2 Easton & Liszt, “The Topping Book: Or, Getting Good At Being Bad,” “1995

  3 Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, the American Psychiatric Association, Washington, D.C., 1994, pps. 523 & 525. We do not support sexual behaviors engaged in without the full and knowing consent of competent adults.