Trying To Live With The Dead

by B. L. Brunnemer

  “I noticed something about you over the last week, Beautiful. You’re a bit of an audiophile.” He turned on his ipod, and connected his headphones. He looked back to me, meeting my eyes again; keeping that connection with me. “You love music and sound, it puts you out of your head and changes how you’re feeling.” He reached out towards me. I went rigid, keeping my body still as he put his big headphones around my neck. “Right now you want to rip someone apart and we need to get that out of you.” He reached out again, my body still as stiff as a board. He put his headphones on my ears. “I want you to close your eyes, listen to the music and let yourself feel what you're feeling. And go where the music goes.” I must have looked at him as if he was crazy because he kept talking. “We’re not letting you leave the couch, but you need to get this out. Got it Beautiful?” I nodded slowly. He gave me a small smile and messed with the ipod. He went to a specific play list that was labeled pissed off. He hit play and handed the ipod out to me. I pulled my right hand out from under me and took it gently. I closed my eyes as Drowning Pool’s Bodies began playing in my ears. I turned it up so I couldn’t hear anything else. And I did what Ethan told me to. I listened to the music and felt the rage I was holding inside. I didn’t fight it; I didn’t do anything about it. I just gave myself permission to feel how I was feeling. Then Disturbed’s Down With The Sickness came on. Then Korn, Then Metallica. Then Linkin Park. Then when I felt like I needed to move, to do something else to get this out. I felt a touch on my hand. When did my hands move to my lap? I opened my eyes to find Ethan still sitting on the coffee table, pushing a large sketchpad and soft pastels into my lap. I took them gratefully, rocking with the beat of the music I was listening to. I didn’t ask where the art supplies came from I just took them and started to use them. I drew dark scenes that poured from me in my anger. I drew, blended, and smudged. I wiped my fingers on my pants and kept going ignoring everything and everyone else. I poured everything out of me onto the pages. Then the music changed, it was subtle at first. Less driving beats and shouting, to less harsh songs. Seether, Halestorm, Within-temptation, and then more rock music blended with violins and then pianos. The tempo changed again. The songs became slower, vocals, piano and violin. It ended with Disturbed’s The Sound of Silence. When the music stopped, I blinked hard. I felt weak, my arms heavy. My heart was no longer racing. My breathing was smooth and even. I was drained, empty and no longer needing to tear someone apart. I looked up to find Ethan still sitting on the coffee table, still watching me. I took off his headphones and looked at him with fresh eyes. I’d never seen Ethan angry except that business with my back, but he knew exactly how I had felt out there. That raging calm that took over. He understood it; he’d felt it himself. So often, that he had a play list specifically for it. He sat waiting his body was tense. His fingers were spinning one of his rings constantly. His knee started to bounce. I didn’t know how to tell him I understood how hard that was, letting me see that much of him. So I untucked my feet, scooted to the edge of the sofa my knees going between his legs. I reached out, pulling him into a hug. After a heartbeat, he wrapped his arms around me, and squeezed me back. His body relaxed, his face resting against my hair. His spicy cologne filling my lungs.

  “Thank you.” I whispered into his shoulder. One of his hands moved to cup the back of my head.

  “Always.” He whispered back, his smoky voice low.

  “I might need a copy of that play list before this is over.” I admitted as I started to shake. I wasn’t ready to let go of him yet. I felt him nod against my hair. He let me hold onto him as long as I needed. He didn’t get impatient; he didn’t even shift his weight. He just held me as long as I needed. Warmth flooding through me again. There was no wall there anymore. Not against him, not against any of them. When I finally stopped shaking I let go, he let me pull away. He brushed hair from my face. His eyes were watching me still.

  “Do you know why you decided to go to the cemetery?” He whispered his face only inches from mine. I dropped my gaze down to my knees. His black jean clad legs were on the outside of mine. His hands cupping the sides of my legs, one of his thumbs rubbing back and forth. My throat was tight as I nodded.

  “Can you tell me?” His voice was gentle again, soft and soothing.

  “Meditating didn’t go well tonight.” I whispered back my cheeks burning. I scoffed at myself.

  “I couldn’t even get past the first step.” It was pathetic, I managed to fail immediately. “Zeke got hurt, he needed stitches.” I took a deep calming breath. “She’s escalating and getting stronger.” I looked at my black and red pastel covered fingers twisting in my lap. “The longer it takes to link with the Veil, the bigger the chance is that you guys will get hurt.”

  “That’s the risk we all agreed to take.” His voice rolled through my ears, making it hard not to listen. I shook my head.

  “Zeke didn’t, majority rules.” I reminded him as I looked back up into his dark eyes. Ethan gave me a gentle smile, his eyes running over my face again.

  “He could have appealed Lexie.” He said. “If Zeke felt that strongly about it, he would have appealed. We would have discussed it again.” He reached out and wiped his thumb across my cheek. It came back with black pastel on the tip. “He changed his mind when you told him why you didn’t want to use the cemetery route.” I looked at him as if he was nuts.

  “Zeke? Changed his mind?” I asked slowly just to be sure I heard correctly. Ethan chuckled softly, his teeth flashing in a smile.

  “It does happen on occasion Beautiful.” I didn’t know if I really believed him. I didn’t know what else to say, so I looked around the living room. It was empty, it was just us. My gaze went back to my lap. “I have an idea to help you meditate that we can try tomorrow.”

  “I’ll try anything.” I admitted my cheeks still warm. I needed to get this right and soon. I pulled my gaze from my lap to his handsome face. I gestured behind me. “Everyone go to bed?” He snorted quietly. He gave my legs one last squeeze before letting go and scooting further back on the coffee table.

  “The guys forced Zeke to take a couple pain pills, so he’s sleeping up in his room.” He began. “When the others saw that you were calming down they went to bed. Miles put me in charge of making sure you go to bed.” I felt lighter knowing I wouldn’t have to see anyone else tonight. Ethan gestured at the drawings in my lap. “What do you want to do with these?” I looked down in my lap. I picked them up, frowning. I couldn’t understand what I was seeing until I laid the four pictures out in my lap. I’d created several dark pictures, all interconnecting in a mosaic. My chest went tight as I realized what I was seeing. I scooped them up quickly, not wanting Ethan to see what I had drawn tonight. He didn’t need to know, the guys didn’t need to know.

  “Burn them.” I whispered quietly, my voice small. One of his eyebrows arched as he met my eyes. Asking me silently if I was serious. “Please.” His eyes turned into warm chocolate before he nodded and held his hand out for them. I didn’t even hesitate before handing them over.

  I couldn’t get rid of them fast enough. Ethan got to his feet and walked around the coffee table. My body was twitchy, on edge. I needed to do something tonight to protect the guys; I couldn’t just wait till tomorrow. The knot in my stomach wouldn’t let me. I went into the kitchen and pulled down another tub of salt. When I stepped back into the living room, the drawings were burning in the fireplace. When they were ashes, I felt better, less naked. Ethan turned, his worried eyes meeting mine. He had looked at them. He knew what I drew; I could see it in his eyes. The naked feeling came back as I looked away from him and at the tub in my hands. I swallowed hard before I could say anything. “I just want to throw some salt on your guy’s bedroom floors.” I peeked back up at him knowing my cheeks were a little pink. His eyes were understanding as he nodded. Ethan took me upstairs and opened each of the guy’s bedroom doors. I tiptoed into every room and scattered salt by hand onto every floor. When we reached Zeke’s
Ethan grabbed my arm, stopping me from going inside. He took the salt from me and salted Zeke’s room himself. When he came back out, he handed it back to me. Ethan even watched me quietly as I did the same in his room. When we were done, those rooms were just as safe as being in a salt circle. When I was done, he walked me back downstairs. I was going to put the tub back in the kitchen but he took it from me and went down the hall. I didn’t understand until he stepped into my room. By the time I got there, he had most of the room salted. I didn’t even think of salting my room, it didn’t even occur to me. But it had occurred to Ethan, and he did it himself. When he was done, he gave me a stormy look.

  “You don’t get to make yourself a target.” His smooth voice was firm, his lips pressed together as his eyes held mine.

  “I didn’t....” He gave me a gentle smile.

  “Think past protecting us.” He finished for me. I nodded, massaging my arm with my other hand.

  “Get some sleep Beautiful.” He walked past me. I heard the door close behind me. I had a sudden urge to call him back. I didn’t want to be alone. I kept my mouth closed as I went into the bathroom and washed the pastel chalk from my hands. When I was done, I looked in the mirror. My face was pale, my eyes wider than usual. There was black chalk on my face still. I washed my face as I remembered my drawings. I used a towel to dry, wishing I could wash the image of those five headstones out of my mind. And their lone guardian standing barefoot in the dead grass. I didn’t sleep well that night.

  Chapter 15

  I didn’t sleep well; I stayed up late into the night, my eyes on the ceiling. I thought about ways that ghost bitch could hurt the others. It made my chest tight most of the night. At least until I started coming up with ways to prevent it. The more ideas I had about preventing the boys getting hurt the better I felt. I was still awake when the sun came up, but I felt like myself again this morning. I got up and got ready for school. When I pulled on my black bra I winced, my girls were hurting. I hissed, just the bra was going to ache today. The joys of being a girl. I wore dark blue jeans, a black cami, and a faded purple, green and white plaid. Which I tucked into my jeans and buttoned up till I was comfortable. The cami was in case a button popped open. I headed into the kitchen as I pulled my hair back into a ponytail. I was the first one up again, which meant there was a full carafe of coffee. I grabbed a cup of coffee. Not feeling real hungry, I just made some buttered toast. I was actually starting to be a bit optimistic about my chances of protecting the guys as long as they paid attention around them it should be all right. I had just started on my second cup of coffee when the others started coming downstairs. Miles eyed the carafe and eyed me, I wasn’t really paying attention. I was staring at the corner of the kitchen still lost in my head going over the ideas I had last night again trying to punch holes in them.

  “Lexie, are you alright?” I jerked my eyes away from the corner and brought myself back to the present. Miles was standing across the breakfast bar from me wearing a dark green hoodie, a Mario brothers shirt and jeans. His eyebrows drew together as his eyes ran over me.

  “I didn’t get any sleep.” I admitted taking a drink of coffee. His ears were pink as he looked uncomfortable gesturing towards my shirt.

  “I can tell, your shirt buttons are all crooked.” He said politely. I looked down at my shirt to see he was right. I snorted at myself, and jerked at my shirt, popping the metal snap buttons open. Miles spun around fast, almost spilling his coffee. “Whoa. Okay, um. Lexie...” I laughed; he thought I just whipped out the girls.

  “I’m wearing a cami underneath, relax Miles.” I was still laughing as I started buttoning my shirt up properly. Miles looked at me out of the corner of his eye. When he saw, I was telling the truth he turned back around his face pink. I just shook my head at him smiling. His blushing totally made my morning. He went about getting himself breakfast ignoring me. Isaac came into the kitchen and froze watching me. I had just unbuttoned my jeans to tuck in my shirt.

  “Are you getting naked in the kitchen?” His voice didn’t sound like he was that much against it if I was. I laughed at the look of excitement on his face.

  “I’m tucking my shirt in.” I informed him smiling as I started doing just that. “Miles thought I was for minute though.” Miles ears turned red as he poured himself cereal.

  “Well, I didn’t expect you to just rip your shirt open to fix your buttons.” Miles told me honestly.

  “What happened?” Asher walked in an eyebrow already raised. I started laughing as Miles turned a little redder.

  “Miles thought I was stripping.” I told him, teasing Miles. Miles put the cereal box down a little harder than necessary his eyes narrowing at me.

  “I told the girl that her buttons were crooked on her shirt. She just reaches up and rips her shirt open without a word.” Miles said defending himself. “How was I supposed to know she’s wearing something underneath?” Miles voice was asking me to drop it. My smile faded. He was really uncomfortable with this topic. The guys burst out laughing, making his face turn redder. His eyes were on his cereal, focusing more than anyone ever needed to. He was really embarrassed. Shit. I felt awful. I had only meant to tease him; I had to fix this.

  “Being the gentlemen that he is, he turned his back as fast as possible.” I admitted. I buttoned my pants and started pulling the shirt out a little till it was comfortable. I walked around the counter with my empty mug. I stopped next to Miles leaned into him and nudged his shoulder gently with mine. “Thank you for being such a gentleman Miles. Most guys would have just watched with their mouths hanging open.” I shot a look specifically at Isaac before looking back at Miles profile.

  “Just warn me next time.” Miles mumbled before drinking out of his mug.

  “Promise.” I whispered back. He nodded letting me know that he heard me. I smiled to myself as I went over to refill my mug.

  “I wasn’t even in here and I get the stink eye.” Isaac groused as he went to get breakfast. I just chuckled at him as I was putting the carafe back.

  “Why did Isaac get the stink eye?” Zeke asked as he strode into the kitchen. I could practically hear Miles turning redder.

  “For being a guy, it’s that kind of morning.” I answered before anyone could embarrass Miles further. I put cream and sugar in my coffee and headed back to sit on the counter by the sink since all the bar stools were taken now. Zeke poured himself some coffee. Miles looked at the mug in my hands.

  “How much coffee have you had this morning?” He asked his face now back to his normal color.

  “This is my third cup and I’m finally waking up.” I admitted. “I didn’t sleep last night. Zeke’s accident got me thinking about some things.” The room was filled with tense silence as Ethan walked in, wearing his usual black clothes and silver jewelry. He looked at everyone’s serious expressions and stopped cold.

  “We only just got up.” He moaned. “Did something happen already?” I chuckled at the almost whine in his voice. Poor Ethan.

  “No, I think I just made all the guys nervous at the same time.” I observed looking over each of the guys faces as I took a drink of coffee. “Unclench your butt cheeks boys; I’m not heading out to the cemetery.” Ethan and Isaac snickered as everyone relaxed. Everyone went about eating and getting breakfast as I started talking again. “I was thinking of ways that Bitch Ghost could hurt you guys with what’s around you.” I gestured towards Zeke. “Like with the hood on Zeke’s hand. How are you feeling anyway?” Zeke shrugged his mouth full when he swallowed he answered.

  “I’ll live.” That’s all he said. A small knot formed in my stomach again, it made me glad I only had toast for breakfast. Okay, Zeke wasn’t going to tell me how he is feeling.

  “What stuff do you think she could do to hurt us?” Ethan asked before pouring his coffee.

  “If she can slam a car hood down like that, then she could probably mess with your brake lines, knock stuff over on to you. Anything that doesn’t actually involve to
uching you.” The room went quiet. Yeah, that’s how I felt all night. Luckily, I had already come up with an answer to at least one issue. “If we throw salt over and in the cars. Then at the engine-”

  “Wait, you didn’t say in the engine, did you?” Zeke interrupted his brow drawing down.

  “No, at the engine.” I assured him. “Then she couldn’t touch the car or anything attached to it.” I shrugged and continued. “And we only have to check the brake lines this morning before leaving and we won’t have to worry about it again. Just throw some salt around every day until we deal with her.” Some of the guys were nodding. Zeke got to his feet, picking up his bowl and coffee mug.

  “Let’s take one car today, we don’t have the time for me to check everything for more than one right now.” Zeke suggested as he put his bowl and mug in the sink. He turned and leaned against it while looking at the guys.

  “Okay whose car seats six without too much squishing?” Isaac asked. Zeke raised his hand.

  “Mine, we can pull it off if someone short rides in the middle in front.” He looked pointedly at me.

  “Do I have to ride bitch?” I asked, really wanting a seat and my own seat belt. Zeke gave me a half grin.

  “No, the console lifts up and there’s a seat.” He explained pushing away from the sink.

  “No problem.”

  “I’ll get on it.” He nodded once before he headed out of the kitchen. It wasn’t until Zeke was outside that I remembered Asher had football practice after school.

  “Uh, you have practice don’t you?” I asked uncertainly. Asher nodded but finished chewing and swallowing his food before answering.

  “Zeke can bring you guys back, and he’ll just have to come get me later.” Asher shrugged. Isaac snickered.

  “Zeke the taxi service.” Everyone chuckled. It wasn’t long before Zeke came back into the kitchen. He came over to the sink and washed the grease off his right hand.