Avoiding Mr Right

by Anita Heiss

  'I'm sorry, babe,' he said and held me close.

  I kept crying uncontrollably. 'You know I hate being called babe.' Everything was bugging me.

  'But you are my babe, you always will be, until we have real bubs of our own, and sorry, but then they'll be my babes.'

  'I hate children, they cry like this all the time. I'd never cope. And you'd never cope with me and them crying at the same time.' He just laughed and rocked me.

  James wasn't emotionally crippled like most other men I'd known. He was good at being a manly man and knew what to do when I was upset. He'd just listen and hold me. That was what I loved about him.

  He was an overachiever, though, and didn't do anything by halves. Even at his young age, James had already reached his professional goals and was a partner in a major architectural firm. That was part of the problem: now that he'd made partner, he was starting to think about his next goal: marriage and kids. He was always talking about other people he knew getting engaged. He'd already given me a gorgeous Ceylon sapphire ring for my birthday a few months back. James was romantic and not afraid to show it or spend money. Alice had always said that if she met James before Gary she would've married him for sure. But I wasn't Alice. I had always seen marriage as a threat to my independence, my individuality and my ability to party.

  'You know you don't have to go,' he said hopefully. 'I mean, if you changed your mind, it's not too late. We could just move in together, now that most of your stuff is packed and everything.'

  'I haven't changed my mind, James, and I won't. You don't understand, because you've got the career you want already. I haven't. Not yet.'

  'But don't you want to settle down, too?'

  'Of course I do, maybe, I think, one day. But not yet. There's other things I want to do first. I've got career goals, you know that.'

  I'd managed to put off moving in with James, and for some reason he thought it was because I didn't believe in living together before marriage. I'd tried to explain that I just didn't believe in marriage itself, and wasn't even sure if I wanted kids, but he'd laughed and said, 'Don't be silly, all women want babies.'

  'So, are you going to be dating other people, then, while you're reaching your goals?' The sarcasm in James's voice was uncharacteristic, but the jealousy was no surprise. The green-eyed monster was one of his flaws. I honestly gave him no cause – I flirted innocently at times, but did that mean I didn't love him? Mum had always said that when you were in a relationship it was okay to perve on other people, or in her words, you could look at the menu but you just couldn't order. That wasn't how James saw it. He didn't even like me talking to Andy at Sauce.

  I started to roll a cigarette and James gave me a look of disgust.

  'I know, I know . . . I'm giving up when I move, all right?'

  'All right,' he said, and then there was silence.

  I got up and walked out to the balcony and lit up.

  'You haven't answered my question,' he said impatiently.

  'Going to Melbourne is about my career,' I said exhaling. 'It's not about not seeing you so I can date other people. In fact, I've decided I'm going to be celibate.'

  'Don't you mean faithful?'

  'No, I mean celibate. The difference between being faithful and celibate is that being faithful is something that's expected of you when you're apart from your partner, while being celibate is something you choose to do for yourself. And I don't expect myself to be faithful – being faithful is just normal to me, but I will choose to be celibate because I am in control of my actions and my body. Does that make sense?'

  'Kind of.' He took the cigarette from my hand and stubbed it into a pot plant on the balcony ledge, which annoyed me, but I didn't want to have an argument over a cigarette when the atmosphere was already tense. He started pacing. 'So, am I supposed to be celibate or faithful then? Because right now I haven't got a clue what you want from me.'

  'To be honest, James, this isn't about you right now. I'm only in control of what I do. I don't know that I can ask a man as gorgeous as you and as sexy as you to go without sex for months on end. I mean, you'll be getting offers, there's no doubt about it. I'll just have to live with the consequences.'

  'So you don't care whether I have sex with someone else or not?' He went red, covering his face with his hands to avoid the shame and the emotion of it all, hurt and angry at the same time. 'You're totally confusing me about us. What's really going on here? If you don't love me any more then just say it, but this argument or discussion or break-up or whatever it is that's going on here is doing my head in.' And James broke down. It was the first time I'd seen him cry and it pained my heart. 'I thought we were a happy couple,' he sobbed into his hands.

  I put my arms around him but said nothing. I had never been the 'happy couple' kind of girl. I wished I could be, just to fit in, but I'd never even really believed in the concept of eternal love. I didn't really know anyone who was truly happy. You never know what goes on in someone else's home. All you see is the front they give you, even your friends. Still, with James I'd found something pretty close. I didn't get dry-mouthed and sweaty-palmed and my heart rarely raced when I saw him any more, like it had at first, but that didn't matter. He was kind and generous, mature and sensible and patient – even romantic.

  I gripped him tighter. 'I do love you, James, more than anything in the world.' We stood still and silent for a few minutes, just listening to the dull sounds of the ocean, and then he pulled away.

  'I have something to show you.' He walked into the flat and started rummaging through his work materials. 'I've knocked up some designs on a house for us,' he said proudly, unrolling the sheets and holding them under the light.

  I stepped back into the room feeling defeated and exasperated. 'Will this house be in Sydney?' I asked.

  'Well, yes. I don't think I could live anywhere else. Look, it's a four-bedroom, lots of space for when we're ready to have a family.'

  James was so eager he was already too many houses and kids in front of me, but to say that now would make me sound ungrateful. Any other single woman in her right mind would jump at the architect and the house plans. I was a nutcase for sure.

  I tried to keep it jokey. 'James, haven't you heard anything I've said? In case you hadn't noticed I'm not like most other women who want to settle down and have kids and all that. I'm Peta. I'm not even sure I'll have kids at all.'

  'I know you're not like other woman, that's why I love you so much.' It was like he was there and watching my mouth move but not hearing the words coming out. 'I want to marry you. The only reason I haven't proposed is because I'm frightened you'll say no. At least there's hope if you haven't already said no.'

  'Look, I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment yet.'

  Even if I wanted kids and was ready, how could I know if James was the one? How could you tell when you'd met your soul mate? When the Melbourne job came up, it had seemed like an omen. I'd read The Celestine Prophecy and knew there was no such thing as coincidence. It would be a huge step forward in my career, of course, but it would also give me time out to think, to grow as an individual and to be sure James was the right guy for me.

  'So, seems the plans didn't work.' James rolled them up. This time he was the one sounding defeated. 'I thought maybe if I showed you how serious I was you'd change your mind.'

  He had to know that it wasn't him, that it was me, that I was the one who was frightened. I had to tell him, there was no other way.

  'James, I've never told you this, but my mother was married three times and divorced three times. She had four kids to three men – a hundred per cent plus strike rate she called it. I'm frightened I'll be like her, and that's not what I want. The reality is I don't think I'd last five minutes with kids, and not much longer married. I honestly don't think married and maternal is in my genes.' And I broke down in tears again. I was exhausted from the to-ing and fro-ing, from the questions and the attempted explanations. I didn't want to have this conversat
ion any more.

  'I don't know your mother, but I think you're being a bit harsh on both of you.'

  'I can't talk about it any more tonight, please. I'm so tired.' I wiped my nose on his sleeve like a child and smiled at him. 'Can we just love each other tonight?' I looked into his eyes and saw the warmth that I knew so well, that made me feel safe.

  I pulled his T-shirt up over his head. 'I mean, seeing as it's going to be a few weeks . . .' I kissed his earlobe and whispered as I undid his belt and unzipped the back of my dress, '. . . a few long weeks before we'll be together again, can we just love each other tonight?' His pants got caught around his ankles and we both laughed as we fell on the bed.

  four

  Aunt Homophobe

  A week later I went with Alice to see her parents and say goodbye before I moved. My own mum was up in Coolangatta and I rarely heard from her, so Aunty Ivy had always been a pseudo mother to me. She always fed me when I dropped around, and sent me away with a food parcel, which I appreciated as a non-cooker myself. And she always asked, 'When are you getting married, Peta?' whenever I visited. Aunt had taken to hassling me more since Alice hooked up with Gary. It was like it was her personal goal in retirement to make sure there were no young, single Koori women in her world.

  'I don't think I'll get married until I'm about thirty-five, Aunt, when I've reached most of my professional goals. I might even go back and do some study before then.'

  'So many choices for you young girls today, it's great, but it takes you away from what women are meant to do, have children, raise families, and be matriarchs.' Aunt was old school. Dannie loved her take on the world.

  'Yes, well I'm sure I'd feel differently about the matriarchal thing if there was an adequate patriarch around, Aunt. But most men today aren't like Uncle out there,' and we both looked out the window and saw her long-time love mowing the lawn. I could see where Alice got her desire to settle down. Her parents were the perfect role models. None of my mum's husbands had ever mowed the lawns, and in recent years she'd found it easier and better on the eyes to pay a young guy to tend her garden.

  Alice walked in with a basket of washing. I couldn't believe she still got her mum to do it, but Aunty Ivy didn't seem to mind. It was that nurturing matriarchal thing she was talking about.

  'So when are you moving to Melbourne, bub? Alice told me you've got a great new job.'

  'I'm leaving next week, almost got everything organised.'

  I was glad that Alice had made my move sound like a positive to her mum. I felt more supported as the time of moving drew closer.

  'You know, I've read there are lots of men in Melbourne.' Aunty Ivy nudged me in the ribs and smiled; she was relentless. Alice used to tell us how her mum pressured her to meet a man, but I never really believed it until Aunt started pressuring me.

  'I read that too, but that's not why I'm going. I have a boyfriend here anyway. But he'll just have to wait.'

  'You sound pretty sure he'll wait for you, Peta. Be careful – a good man won't last long alone,' Aunt warned me.

  Truth be known, I wasn't worried. I wasn't going to just settle for the first guy who wanted to marry me anyway. My mum didn't. Well, she didn't settle for the second or third either, but I wasn't planning on going to that extreme.

  'Where will you be staying in Melbourne? At the Aboriginal Hostel?' Aunt asked. I didn't want to turn my nose up, but my days as a hostel or backpack traveller were long gone.

  'Oh, no, I have family down there. My Aunt Nell, Mum's sister, is in the burbs. I'll crash with her and my cousins until I find somewhere of my own. I'm sure I'll make friends quickly too. I've got a few connections and Alice told me she's got a cousin there I should meet – Josie, is it?' I'd remembered the cousin bit, but forgot that Alice had told me not to mention her.

  'What? No, you can't meet Josie! Alice, what are you doing?' Aunt looked at Alice, shaking her head, not happy at all. In a concerned voice she said to me, 'Josie's a lesbian. You're not a lesbian are you, Peta? Is that why you're leaving your boyfriend behind?'

  'No Aunt, I'm not a lesbian.' Alice was rolling her eyes and mouthing I told you so behind her mum's back.

  'Well, what do you think of them?'

  I couldn't help having some fun with her. 'What do you mean, Aunt?'

  'What do you think about, you know, what they do, as lesbians?' And she screwed her face up.

  'Oh for God's sake, Mum.' Alice was embarrassed.

  'Don't use the Lord's name in vain in this house.'

  'Well, for Biami's sake, then, if you're going to be more worried about a white god than a Black one.'

  Her mother just ignored her, and kept on at me. 'Peta?'

  'Actually Aunty, I don't really think about what lesbians do, but if I did, I'd probably think that only a woman knows what a woman likes.'

  'I'm not sure what that means, Peta, but I hope it doesn't mean you're a lesbian too. It seems every day there's more and more lesbians in Australia.'

  'I told you so!' Alice said as she folded her washing and shook her head at the same time.

  'Aunt, I think there are more lesbians because there's less and less men like your husband these days, and women are over settling for less than they deserve in a man. I'm not a lesbian but I can certainly see why some women are. Sometimes it's simply about companionship and equality.'

  'Really?' I wasn't sure if Aunt didn't believe me or was confused by what I said.

  'Yes, and regardless of her sexuality, I'm really looking forward to meeting Josie. She sounds like fun, and I think of you as family, and she's your niece, so she's my family right?'

  'Yes, Josie's my niece, but she goes to girls only nights at the pub. She's never had a boyfriend, but her mum, my sister, won't admit it; she hasn't been to any family events for six months cos she's avoiding people. I can't blame her; I was beginning to think the same way about Alice before she met Gary. And he's so manly, drives the big council truck you know. A garbologist they call them these days. Yes, a real manly man, like men in the old days.'

  'That's it,' Alice said. 'Come on, Peta, say goodbye to Aunt Homophobe.'

  I hugged Aunty Ivy, gripped the food parcel she'd prepared for me and followed Alice, as ordered, out of the door.

  five

  Saying goodbye

  The boarding call announcements distracted me as James was trying to say goodbye.

  He held me tight. 'I love you so much.' He leaned into my neck and sobbed quietly.

  I wiped a solo tear from the corner of my eye and grabbed my cabin bag. 'I should go through security now. No use you coming in, I'm going to the QANTAS Club.' I sounded cool, almost flippant, though I didn't mean to. I just didn't want to talk about it any more, or cry for that matter. We'd both done enough of that the past two weeks.

  I walked off and left him standing there, shoulders sagging. I felt exhausted as I put my bag on the X-ray conveyor belt and walked through the barrier. It sounded off, and I had to take off the chunky choker James had given me as a farewell gift.

  Once through security, I turned to see him still standing there, red-eyed but smiling bravely. He gave a weak wave. I blew him a kiss and he pretended to catch it, then I walked away.

  I made my way down the concourse and up the escalators to the QANTAS Club, and suddenly I felt excited again. Going to the QANTAS Club was what all the bourgeois Blacks were doing these days. I'd even heard that a handful belonged to the so-called secret 'Chairman's Club' as well. I didn't expect I'd ever be part of that, but I was certainly looking forward to the bar and to chilling out in peace before future flights. Work had made me a corporate member because of the travel I'd be doing. I showed my card and boarding pass and sauntered in like it was somewhere I was meant to be.