Avoiding Mr Right

by Anita Heiss

  'Yes, I think that's it. The dreams are really real, if you know what I mean. I'm what you'd call an international jet-setter,' I bragged.

  'Oh my God, where have you been to then, in your sleep?'

  'Greece, Spain and last night I went to Italy. I had New Year's Eve in Florence, it was fabulous.'

  Josie pushed me so hard I nearly fell off my chair. 'You lucky bitch. You're seeing the world for the cost of a meal.'

  'I know, it's weird. Actually, it's freaking me out. And I feel jet-lagged.'

  'Don't complain. Hell, I want to go to Florence. How was it?'

  'Amazing. I rode a moped with a local named Lee-Luigi, he was hot as.'

  'That's a weird name. Is it Italian?'

  'Well, it's what I called him; he looked like a Lee-Luigi.'

  Josie just screwed her face up. 'And in Greece where did you go?'

  'A gorgeous little village called Delphi.'

  'I know it,' she said excitedly. 'They grow olives.'

  'That's right,' I said. I was so engrossed in my own story that I didn't even ask how she knew of Delphi. I didn't know of it before I visited.

  'So you had a good time? Met people?'

  'Yes, yes, yes, I had a ball, each time. And the men are amazing when you're astral travelling, and it certainly beats backpacking.'

  'You could write the astral travellers' guide to Italy. Or rather, Italy on Eight Hours' Sleep.'

  'Don't be ridiculous. I'm not a travel writer. I'm not even a traveller really, and it's all just accidental.'

  The bill arrived, and I realised I didn't have any cash.

  'Can you take care of it, Josie, and I'll fix you up when we get to an ATM?' We had become good friends and little things like money didn't seem to get in the way.

  'Sure thing, but if that little hottie Antonia comes to pick up the bill I'm going to offer to pay with the hairy chequebook.'

  'The hairy what?'

  She looked down to her lap.

  'You are disgusting.' I threw my serviette at her.

  'Don't blame me, I heard it from Alice, and she heard it from guess who – Aunty Ivy. It's an old saying.'

  'Well, put your chequebook away, I've got a credit card if you haven't got cash.'

  fifteen

  Happy Easter

  'Happy Easter!' We all clinked glasses. It was hard to believe that three months had passed since we'd seen each other. It was like a lifetime, so it was great to be back in Sydney with the girls at Sauce, sitting in our favourite spot in the corner.

  'Hello ladies, you make this little love corner look lovely,' Andy said in his usual cheeky form, handing us our menus and walking off.

  'So what's new?' I asked.

  Alice and Dannie looked at Liza, who had dropped all the weight she'd put on at the end of last year.

  'Tony and I broke up,' she said, and a dignified tear ran down her cheek. Dannie put her arm around her and Alice topped her glass up with wine as she began to sob.

  'What? When? We spoke only three days ago! Why?' I was in shock.

  'It happened last week but I couldn't tell you over the phone and I made the girls vow not to say anything.'

  'Well, that's the only bloody secret you've ever kept,' I said accusingly to Dannie and Alice. I felt annoyed that I'd been kept out of the loop, but I knew the moment wasn't about me, so I tried to hide it.

  'But Tony was Mr I-Can-Do-Everything. Wasn't he?' 'He was really Mr I-Can-Do-Everything-But-Won't,' she sobbed. 'When we met he promised me he could cook and clean.'

  'Yes, you told us he said he'd do it in the nude too.' We'd laughed when Liza told us that, but no-one laughed now.

  'That's right, he did, but he never lifted a bloody finger to clean, naked or otherwise. In fact he never actually got completely naked, even for sex! And as for cooking, well spag bol was all he could manage. Spaghetti bloody bolognese. I'm Italian, for God's sake.' She sobbed some more while we three sat in silence, wondering what to say.

  Andy appeared from nowhere and started rubbing her shoulders, and she seemed to appreciate the attention. 'There, there, you know I'm always good for a spoon, don't you, babe?' he said, and we all broke into laughter.

  'What's so funny? I was serious,' Andy said, his hands still firmly on Liza's shoulders.

  'Yes, we know, that's what's funny,' Alice said.

  Liza gave us a weak smile. 'Every time we walked past a nice restaurant I'd say I'd like to go there, and he'd say "Done". But it never happened. When it was my birthday he just took me to Chinatown for yum cha.' And she cried harder.

  'Ah yes, but did he moonwalk across the restaurant and then break into a hula?' Alice said. We all cringed. Alice had been out with some shockers before she met Gary. 'No? Then be thankful for a meal without a freak show is all I can say.' Dannie nodded in agreement.

  Liza started to calm down, and Andy left to get us more wine. As soon as he'd gone, Alice dropped a bombshell.

  'Gary and I are getting married.'

  'What?' we all howled.

  'When, how, WHY?' I asked. 'I mean why didn't you say something earlier?'

  Alice gave Liza a quick glance.

  'Oh God, don't let my misery get in the way of your happiness,' said Liza. 'You and Gary should get married; you're made for each other. What a story you'll be able to tell the grandkids about meeting over a garbage bin.' Liza was an amazing soul who always saw the best in every situation. But I was a little surprised she hadn't suggested doing a SWOT to confirm it was the right thing for Alice to do.

  'Well, I guess that means a hens' night, doesn't it?' I said.

  'Wait a minute while I refresh your memory, Alice. Let's see . . . ' Liza took a sip of her wine, blew her nose and took a deep breath. 'If I recall correctly, at the last hens' night we went to your exact words were along the lines of: I'll probably have a girls' night in with pizza and good friends but if someone happened to order a stripper I wouldn't be offended. Is that how you remember it?' Alice hung her head, giggling.

  'Oh God, I did say that, didn't I? Shame!'

  'What about a kitchen tea?' Dannie said.

  'Again, not the kind of cultural activity Alice has been too keen to engage in in the past, is it my friend?' Liza was bouncing back well, but Alice looked almost disappointed at the thought of not having a hens' night or kitchen tea, although she had previously been appalled by both traditions. We all knew that women change as soon as they get engaged, wanting parties and gifts and girly things. Everyone says they won't, but they do.

  'Oh, I know I gave those brides-to-be a hard time, but it's different when it's your own.' I couldn't help but roll my eyes. Thankfully, no-one saw me.

  'But I don't need a kitchen tea, Gary and I have filled my place completely with his crap and mine combined, and we have everything we need. Trouble is I like nice clean white everything, and he keeps collecting bits and pieces from antique shops. He likes the eclectic look.'

  'Or perhaps he just can't let go of his work, Alice,' I laughed.

  'Yeah, I know. He comes home with rubbish all the time. Don't laugh about it. It's the one thing we argue about. He's a waste-not-want-not kind of guy.'

  Dannie looked a bit disappointed too. 'So no hens' night? Then what? You realise I only get to go out when you guys have some romantic or career event for me to celebrate.'

  'I thought I'd like to go away for my hens' whatever. Maybe the Gold Coast, cos it's cheap and we can do it in a weekend.'

  'A hens' weekend, I like it.' I lifted my glass in a toast.

  'And so do I. I like it a lot!' You could see Dannie's eyes bulge at the thought of being without George and the kids for the weekend. I couldn't blame her.

  'Sounds good to me. When were you thinking of going? Would be a good escape out of the winter weather, wouldn't it?' Liza added, touching her glass to ours.

  'The Melbourne winter, eh Peta?' Alice couldn't help but have a dig.

  'Well yes, but Sydney has winter too, you know.' I always took the bait.r />
  'I was thinking warmth, a pool, some cocktails, some laughs. I certainly miss our sessions, Peta, and a whole weekend should carry us over for a few months, don't you reckon?' Alice had obviously put some thought into her 'hens' whatever'.

  We all got our BlackBerries out, and started to check our available dates.

  'Why do you need a BlackBerry, Dannie?' I sounded like a bitch but I was curious.

  'I've got the dates of school carnivals, canteen roster, ballet classes, swimming lessons, when George is away, dentist appointments, parent–teacher night, school assemblies and things like that. I do have a busy schedule, planning the lives of four people, you know. Three of them are children, and yes, I include George in that. Of course, I also put in when I'm ovulating so George and I can have sex.' They were still 'kind of' trying to have a baby.

  'Can't you have sex on other nights?' Not having much sex myself I was obsessed with other people's sex lives.

  'Of course, but we have to have sex on those dates if we want to fall pregnant.'

  'Oh what a drag, having to have sex,' I said.

  'Speaking of which, how's that going? Have you been completely faithful in Melbourne?' Dannie asked.

  'Yeah, how's the drought?' Alice added.

  'Hey, a drought sounds involuntary, something that's been inflicted on me and causing concern and worry and cashflow problems. None of which is true of my situation.'

  'Yeah, yeah, just answer the question,' Liza pressed.

  I sipped from my glass and smiled cheekily.

  Liza's eyes lit up. 'Do tell.' She was chirpy at the thought of some juicy gossip.

  'No, don't tell,' said Alice. 'I'm not going to be an accessory to your infidelity, not when I've got James calling me about you. If you've cheated then keep it to yourself.'

  'Sorry, but I'm having the best sex I've ever had. And I don't have to say thank you, and I never get lockjaw.'

  Alice rolled her eyes. 'In your dreams, Peta!'

  ♥

  The restaurant had all but emptied out so Andy sat and joined us. We were having too much fun to kick out or leave alone.

  'Did you buy that gorgeous dress you're wearing down in Melbourne?' Andy asked, checking out my cleavage.

  'Ah, well, this I actually bought in Paddington.' Liza and Dannie high fived each other and Alice fell off her seat laughing. Andy picked her up.

  'Can't you tell?' I said, trying to remember what Sylvia had told me. 'Sydney fashion's so . . . coastal.'

  'We're at dinner, not the beach.' Dannie was laughing through her words.

  'I'm just saying that Sydney's fashion has a more coastal influence, while Melbourne's is more . . . diverse.'

  'There's nothing coastal about that dress, it's by the House of Wong, and I don't think I've ever heard her work defined as "coastal". They're feeding you crap down there, Peta,' Liza said. The girls were just having fun with me and I was taking it way too seriously.

  'Okay spoon-man, I think it's time for us to go. Pass the bill this way, please?' I reached to grab it before the other girls did.

  'Don't be ridiculous, Peta, you can't afford it.' I couldn't really, but I wanted to do it. I missed the girls and there was a little room left on the credit card.

  'I might just pay with the hairy chequebook!' I said, then burst into laughter. It wasn't how I'd intended to deliver the line, but I couldn't do it with a straight face.

  'Woo-hoo!' Andy punched the air. 'I knew that cocktail would do the trick.' He winked at me.

  'You're going to pay with what?' Liza asked.

  'The hairy chequebook,' said Alice. 'It means, you know . . .' and she looked towards her lap.

  'That's hilarious, I love it. I am so going to use that.' Liza was impressed with the new phrase.

  'Not at the ALS, I hope,' I said.

  'Oh they'd love it there, I'm sure.' Alice rolled her eyes.

  'Yeah, well I got it from your cousin Josie, but I know you won't tell your mum right, cos apparently that's where it originated!'

  Just then James came into Sauce to get me and didn't look too pleased that I was tipsy and that Andy was sitting with us. He was quiet all the way back to his place, while I just rambled about Liza and Tony splitting up and Alice and Gary getting married and all the new places I'd been to in Melbourne.

  'What's wrong?' I asked as we got to the door of his apartment.

  'Nothing.'

  'Come on, my big burly man, tell your princess what's up.'

  'You told me it was just the girls going, and I'm happy for you to catch up with your friends. I like Dannie and Liza and you know I adore Alice. But it seems like it's always you and then that fella as well. I could've come earlier and sat and talked too. But you didn't ask me to.'

  'Are you being jelly-bean James again?' I cuddled into him as we climbed into bed. I wasn't even really thinking about what he was saying. I was tired, but horny too.

  'Don't make light of it, Peta. You're living in another state. When you're in town I don't mind you catching up with other people, but not other gorgeous guys.'

  I crawled on top of him. 'Oh, come on, now you're exaggerating,' I said, peppering butterfly kisses on his forehead and cheeks. 'I wasn't catching up with Andy. He owns the restaurant. We spent quite a bit of money there tonight, and have always done. It's called hospitality. He's a good restaurateur, that's all.' And I kissed his mouth softly.

  'If you say so,' he said, not sounding completely convinced.

  The 'Andy issue' was resolved as all petty issues between lovers should be – with a night of sex.

  sixteen

  Poetic policing

  I walked out of my office into the main area of our section. Even though there were strong fluorescent lights, the space remained gloomy as rain fell hard on the windows of the Rialto building. When I reached Sylvia's work station I stopped. 'Sylvia, what's this poetry reading you've put in my schedule?'

  'You need to be up on all the art forms and Indigenous artists, right? Well, there's a reading every night in Melbourne. You at least need to be going to the ones with Blackfellas. Samuel Wagan Watson is in town from Bris-Vegas, so I put it in your diary. There'll be some poetry slammers there too, and some spoken worders. It'll be cool.'

  'It will be much cooler if I know what a poetry slammer actually is.' I felt like I was truly out of my depth at times. It seemed I needed a whole new vocab for this job.

  'A poetry slammer is just someone who participates in a poetry slam.' Sylvia thought she was making sense until I frowned at her. 'And a poetry slam is a competition where poets read or recite their work and are judged by members of the audience and given a score. It's a lot of fun, you'll love it.'

  'I'm sure I will, but to help me love it as much as I can, could you please email me some dot points on the poet and any other Blackfellas on the program before we leave? I assume you're coming?'

  'Of course, I'm reading too. It's about sense of place.'