The Search for Ball Zero

by Tony Dormanesh

  The front line of cannibals was only a few steps away and they kept coming.

  They killed cannibals as fast as they could, but others just filled in the gaps. Perry and Tony had to reload again. They were so close Tony wasn’t sure if had time to reload and thought about turning to run.

  The front runner held up his spear, approaching Perry, ready to stab. Perry had

  time to load one shell and shot from the hip, hitting the cannibal with a shotgun blast in the neck and chest. The cannibal’s face turned and grimaced as his neck was ripped to shreds, his collar bone exposed and shattered in multiple places. It died mid stride. The cannibal was so close and running so fast, Perry had to sidestep to avoid the flying dead body. They were so close he could only load one shot at a time before needing to fire again. His right hand darted back and forth to his pocket for more shells.

  Tony and L unloaded their clips again, dropping another line of twitching

  cannibals in the dirt. Their ranks were finally thinning. The tide of the battle might be turning. They switched from retreating and held their ground as they killed their way to the end of the cannibal wall. The last few cannibals sensed the momentum change and ran for the hills. Tony dropped a few from a long distance. He saw another 2 headed cannibal running away and this time he shot the small head, which still dropped it.

  One mortally wounded cannibal twichingly reached for Perry’s leg. He put his shotgun up to the thing’s face. He thought he should probably conserve ammo. L ran up to him with a spear and handed it to him.

  “Here. Put him out of his misery.” She jabbed, reminding him of what he wanted to do to Garfield.

  He dropped his blood drenched shotgun, took the spear and in one motion nailed

  the cannibal’s head into the dirt.

  They looked around, there were a lot of bodies. A lot of squirming.

  Tony saw what they were doing, thought it was a good idea and picked up his

  own spear. “We should finish em all off.” He yelled over to L and Perry. They did. It was a dirty job but someone’s gotta do it. It took a while, some scrambled for their lives.

  A few weren’t mortally wounded and looked like they could’ve talked if they wanted. But none of them did. They didn’t scream or beg for their lives or anything. Tony thought he hadn’t heard any of them speak. Tony almost felt bad, then one grabbed at his leg and bit him hard, ripping at his calf. He didn’t feel bad after that.

  Clone Perry survived the battle, he was sitting near the real Perry with a shit

  eating grin on his face. Perry’s pregnant hairless girlfriend also made it, she walked up to clone Perry, “Do you have any food?”

  Perry looked over at Tony and L, his face and body spattered in blood. “I think

  I’m in love.”

  There were a few clone survivors, but Perry, L and Tony didn’t want to stay at the camp. There were roughly 50 dead bodies scattered around. Vultures began circling pretty quickly and it smelled like shit.

  “Predators and hunters use vultures to find prey.” Perry noted, he had watched a lot of animal shows, “More cannibals might show up, or the drones, or some other crazy fantastic monster we haven’t seen yet.”

  They kind of offered to take the remaining clones, but they just grunted and

  stood there.

  “Hey, the tux guy made it.” L saw.

  His pants were ripped off and shredded below the crotch, and his legs were bloody. He was shambling behind them, the group heading off North again. Now the group had 2 more official members of their Ka-tet, the Perry clone and Perry’s new girlfriend. The tux guy following behind.

  “On the road again.” Tony sang.

  18

  THE NEVERENDING FOREST?

  They hiked North.

  L said something she was thinking about for a while, “Ok, so we’ve been out

  here about 10 days, I think. If we walked an average of five miles a day.”

  Tony was in Cross Country and Track, “I’d say it’s more like 8 miles a day,

  even with the rest days.”

  L continued,”Ok, but just say even five. Ten days and five miles a day is fifty

  miles. Weren’t we thinking this forest was a fifty by fifty mile square? Seems like we would’ve crossed the whole thing, we’ve been heading one direction the whole time. Or at least seen a glimpse of this Elohssa headquarters building?”

  “Yeaaa” Perry trailed off thinking. “Maybe it’s underground?”

  “An underground skyscraper?” Tony questioned. “Maybe the estimates were wrong?”

  “Maybe we’re in an alternate dimension and Skynet is sending a Terminator

  back to kill your unborn child Perry.” L joked, nodding at his pregnant girlfriend. Perry laughed, “That’s not my baby. I demand a DNA test on Maury.” They all laughed.

  Another day of hiking, they set up another new Camp Rawk and decided to stay

  for a while. After the cannibal slaughter, they needed another resting day. They set up for an hour or two, Tony caught some fish and brought them back for dinner. When they were cooking the fish, Tuxedo Guy shambled up.

  “Wow, he finally caught up. He can follow pretty good.”

  Sitting around the fire, they attempted talking to the clones. They were slow and sometimes didn’t respond, when they did it was with short, strange answers, Neither of them remember more than a few months in the past. The clone Perry obviously did not have the memories of the real Perry. They didn’t seem to know about the outside world.

  The tux guy slurred the word,“Married.” more than a few times.

  They relaxed and slept.

  The morning was a beautiful clear day. They woke up and shared their last can

  of corn beef hash. Their supplies were running low, even though they ate a lot of trout. Perry went to take a piss.

  He came back in a hurry, he didn’t say anything, just waved his arms like “Come over here.”

  Tony and L’s adrenaline started pumping. Any time they saw something out

  here it was never good news. They passed the bushes and were near the top of a hill, looking North. There it was, A thin, tall structure that went up as high as they could see. It was many miles away, but it existed. Elohssa Corporation HQ.

  “Woah, it really does go high. I can’t tell if that’s space, but it’s fucking close!” Tony noted.

  “Now what?” L asked.

  “We go to it.” Perry replied.

  “And what, knock on the front door?” Tony asked.

  “Infiltrate it like the ninjas we are and slit the CEO’s throat?” Perry said.

  “That’s the best plan I’ve heard.” Tony agreed.

  From the pace they were setting it would be another few days before reaching it. Probably just in time for the third warstore to be released.

  They hiked. Each day tux guy would fall behind and then catch up when they

  set up camp. It was a fun little game they played.

  19

  MEETING THE BAND

  On the 2nd day, L, Perry and Tony took Fozzie for a morning walk, to bathe,

  fish and get high, not necessarily in that order. After they finished their business, they were packing up to head back to camp and Perry saw something on the other side of the river, it looked like an old abandoned outhouse. They hadn’t seen anything like that out here in the Elohssa Forest. That alone was worth investigating. The river was pretty easy to cross, but they had to swim. Everyone left their stuff on their side of the river, except Tony, he swam, holding his glock above his head. Fozzie swam uncomfortably, she looked like a surfaced submarine, mostly submerged, gliding uneasily through the water.

  The outhouse was mostly destroyed. You couldn’t even tell it was an outhouse,

  it looked more like a cluster of broken wooden planks sticking into the ground. Grass was growing around and inside of it. They looked closer, there was a tiny hole in the center. “The shit hole is still here.” Perry said smi
ling, pointing towards the tiny hole. As he was pointing at the hole and they all were looking, a tiny puff of smoke rose from the hole. “What the fuck?” Perry stepped back cautiously. Then slowly leaned forward and began sniffing. His eye’s perked up. “Weed!”

  Perry clawed at the hole. The fragile surface broke apart and fell easily to

  ground below. It was about a 6 or 7 foot drop. But the ground below looked like a layer of crap, they couldn’t tell if it was hard or not. There was the faint smell of smoking pot.

  “I’m going.” Perry had accepted a side quest and he was determined to do it.

  “We could get Fozzie out if we take her, right?” L asked.

  “Yea, we can just throw her.” Perry said.

  “We’re not throwing her.” L told him. “We can get her out of there if we need L, don't worry.” Tony reassured her. “Should we bring her?”

  “We’re not leaving her.” L demanded.

  The small hole opened easily, but only to a small, roughly 1 foot opening. Then

  the dirt got hard and it wasn’t easy to clear away.

  Perry tried to wiggle in face first, but he wouldn’t fit through the hole. As he

  tried to cram through it he thought of all the crap that must’ve passed through the hole before him. He gagged.

  “You’re like a big turd, clogging the port a potty.” Tony joked as they watched

  his ass wiggle and try to squirm in.

  Perry had to kick the ground to make the hole bigger and almost fell in doing so. After some effort he was able to slip through and hang from the lip of the hole, dangling above an old pile of shit, or something.

  “It doesn’t smell like shit.” He thought to himself and said aloud.

  As gracefully as he could, he dropped down onto the pile of old shit. As he

  landed, his first thought was it felt like it would hold him, but a millisecond later he felt the top layer give way and he squished knee deep into the dark Three Musketeer-like layer below, It was shit. His hands fell to brace him, they only cracked the hard outer layer like a brown frozen lake. He was quickly able to pull himself sideways and scramble to solid ground. He was only wearing shorts to begin with, but now his shorts were saturated in shit. Waist down and elbows down covered in someone or something’s old crap.

  “Ohhh!” L and Tony both looked away in disgust, but then quickly looked back, not wanting to miss anything hilarious that was about to happen.

  The ripe smell was unleashed when he broke the seal and Perry was quickly overcome. “Ahhh!” He yelled, and gagged again.

  The smell left the hole. L turned and gagged, then threw up.

  Down in the hole, he tried not to throw up, Perry decided the best action would

  be to take off his shorts, shoes and socks and leave them. It was the quickest way for him to leave the scene of this crime and never be reminded of it again. Facing the world in his underwear was easier than looking like his bottom half was dipped in a shit sundae. Plus who knows what’s down here, he may need to not smell like the diarrhea of 30 people. It didn’t matter now, he was still going to look like a guy in his underwear, covered in the diarrhea of 30 people. He took the lighter out of his shorts pocket and looked down a long tunnel, the only way out of this shit hole.

  From where Tony and L were, there was no easy way to get to the edge Perry

  was on without falling in the shit pile a little. Tony jumped in, bouncing his way out as quickly as possible, legs covered in it. L looked like she wasn’t able to do it, but after she dropped Fozzie into Tony’s arms and was the only one not in the shit hole, she went for it.

  The tunnel leading out of the shit hole was a tight fit, almost as tight as when Bishop had to climb through the duct in Aliens; A little more room than that, but close, and it was completely dark. Perry needed to see, but didn’t want to be seen, so he flicked his lighter every once in a while. Tony, L and Fozzie took up the rear, in near complete darkness. Waiting for Perry’s flick to give them a sense of where they were.

  The tunnel went about fifty feet and then turned 90 degrees. It went on for another 50 feet and then opened into small chamber. When they got to the chamber they were able to sit up and, decided to asses the situation. The hole going forward was about the same diameter as the one they came through, but this one was sloped downwards. “Only traps have small tunnels that slope downward.” Perry thought, remembering how many times he’d been killed by traps playing D&D. They decided to go on anyways. This tunnel went farther and was steep enough that he was a little scared and thought about turning around more than once. Perry kept communicating, letting the group know of changes and to hang on. If one of them slipped behind him, it would cause an avalanche, and they would be falling into the unknown.

  Then he came to another chamber. In this chamber he could feel the earth

  thumping a little, and there was enough smoke for him to smell it better. His nose and eye’s perked up immediately as his brain instantly recognized the smell, “Good weed!” All of a sudden this journey seemed a lot less dangerous. Enthusiastically now, Perry made his way deeper into the tunnel. The group followed.

  After another while of shimmying, he paused. The thumping sounded like drums and bass. It was starting to sound like someone was playing loud rock music ahead. His brain thought, “WTF?” As his body said, “What the fuck kind of rock n roll weed party am I missing out on?!”

  They made it to another chamber. The music was loud now. This chamber was

  at a point where they could make out guitar, distorted guitar, and a singer. As L wiggled in after Fozzie, bringing up the rear, she had a strange look on her face, “I know that song!” She said. She started head banging, it’s “Dam that River! Alice in Chains!”

  “Holy crap, it was.” Tony and Perry thought.

  Perry scurried into the tunnel, this time with more enthusiasm. The tunnel went pretty far and turned again. Then looking down the next tunnel, it went down diagonally, at an angle he knew he couldn’t hold on without sliding. The music was loud now, it must be in the next room. In his mind he said “Sometimes you just gotta say fuck it” and looked at L and Tony before sliding face first down the tunnel.

  He plopped into a well lit room, it was as loud as being next to a giant speaker at a rock show. He looked in amazement at the band playing in front of him. Quickly, Tony fell out of the hole and onto him, Fozzie in tow and L right behind that. They tumbled and fell like they were the 4 Stooges.

  The music stopped.

  In front of them was a pretty standard rock band practice room, except holding the instruments were a bunch of different primates!

  Perry, L and Tony were frozen in shock.

  The singer was a chimpanzee, the best way to describe him was Axl Rose in the Use Your Illusion days. Bandana with long hair flowing out the back, leather jacket, sunglasses indoors, bottle of Jack next to him.

  The guitarist was a spider monkey-looking guy. To describe him compared to a

  rock star would have to be Jimi Hendrix. Bandana strapped across his puffy afro, frilly hippie clothes with wild colors, round sunglasses. He even had a miniature guitar.

  On drums was a big ass baboon. He didn’t really look like any famous rock star, but he had long powerful arms that looked like they were made for drumming. He was sitting on a pile of pillows, fan blowing in his face and baboon ass. His drum set was ready for metal, double bass and everything. He snorted and flipped a stick in the air, spinning it quickly and grabbing it with his opposite hand.

  On bass was a really big ass, silver back gorilla. He also didn’t resemble any

  famous rock star, but he did have the feel of a bass player. Laid back and groovin. He had a giant joint in his mouth. He put down his bass and kind of nonchalantly picked up a very big ball and chain and raised it over his head like he was going to pound Perry with it.

  “No, wait.” Axl said.

  It talked! They all looked at each other, still speechless.


  “They’re different.” He spoke again.

  “Not clones?” The gorilla asked.

  “No man, no! Not clones!” Perry interjected. “We’re real humans.” He paused, but didn’t think his response was good enough,”We love weed!”

  The band looked at each other, questioning, then laughing. They all laughed.

  L stood up, amazed and walked towards the band, “They can talk.” She said, almost questioning.

  Jimi mimicked her, pointing at the humans,”They can talk!” “Dam That River.” She said.

  The band looked at each other again, they were surprised she knew the song.

  “Yea,” Axl said, puzzled, “How’d you know that?”

  “Dirt. We love that album.” She said, pointing to her friends,”We saw Alice in Chains on tour, like 8 times that tour.”

  “9 times. Lollapalooza, remember.” Tony pointed out, finally standing up and

  joining in the conversation.

  The primates looked at each other, they were shocked. Axl lowered his

  sunglasses and looked over the top at her, “Shut up.”

  “We love metal,” Tony explained, “We’re from outside the forest, the other side of the fence. Do you know what I’m talking about?”

  They all looked at each other, like they had heard of the fence, but it may be a rumor or legend or something. “You’ve been to the fence?” “We used to live on the other side.” Tony said.

  “Where are you guys from?” L asked.

  “Here.” Axl replied. “We’re from here. Earth.”

  Perry jumped in,”We’re all from Earth. We all love rock music. Fuck yea, pass that J my way gorilla man!”

  The gorilla passed the joint to Perry. “My name is Les.”, Les said.

  Perry indulged. The room was like a crazy rock and metal fans room. Rage Against the Machine seemed to have to most posters. Tool, Alice in Chains, Faith No