The Search for Ball Zero

by Tony Dormanesh

  Bob showed up and partied for a while, with some gamer Chimps tagging along. He pulled a massive joint from his rasta cap, lit it and passed it around. Just when everyone had about too much Monkey Juice, someone rushed by the door and slapped it,”Show time!” They all started getting ready. Perry wasn’t sure, he decided to take clone Perry and leave his girlfriend in the room to “Watch their stuff”.

  There was a small line at the door. It wasn’t really a line, since there wasn’t

  tickets or security checking people at the door. It was just a small traffic jam of Monkeys, Primates and now Humans squeezing into Mosh Tree.

  Walking into the Mosh Tree again was just as amazing, even though it was a

  completely different atmosphere this time. It was a little dark when they entered, the entrance hallway gave way to the open space of the arena, they all stopped to look around and take it all in. The ring where King fought Big Flea was the pit, the stage was built at the South side. Perry liked that, he hated when the stage was in the center of the arena. It was almost at full capacity, branch seats along the walls were filled with Monkeys and Primates. It really felt like an arena before a Human rock show. Tony somehow doubted it would have the same energy, but this was legit. At least it felt like it was going to be. He heard the band practicing before and they were really good, so this might actually be a pretty good show.

  Someone tapped L on the shoulder and pointed behind them. King was waving them over. He had saved them some seats near him. King had a good spot, on the right of the stage, right above the pit standing only area. L was relieved, they all were actually. They wanted to see how crazy the gorillas got before jumping in the pit.

  The lights dimmed a bit and the crowd reacted with a small cheer. Joints lit up everywhere. Some silhouettes appeared behind stage and the crowd’s cheer got bigger. A smoke machine puffed and a moment later the band came out. Axl was the first to walk out, he was walking slowly, confidently, looking down, one arm raised with one finger on that arm raised. Like “#1” Les came next, holding his bass upside down over his head by the neck. The humans had never seen that before. Then Moon came out, doing cartwheels while juggling 4 drum sticks in the air, using his 4 limbs, another impressive feat.

  They didn’t say a word, Axl stood at the front of the stage, still looking down

  with one finger raised. The first guitar chord went off, everyone in the arena recognized it, including the Humans. It was the intro to Killing in the Name by Rage, the long strums of guitar before the bass comes in. The Humans looked at each other in excitement. Someone pointed at the ceiling. There was Jimi, being lowered in on a rope, holding his pick arm out soulfully after each strum like he was Tom Morello. Jimi, the final member,landed on the stage, the crowd went crazy. Les took over with the bass for a few seconds, then Moon hit those cow bells to finish the intro and the band kicked in it’s first groove of the night, perfectly. That song has a riff at the beginning that kind of sounds like a siren, then a short build up. Axl still sat unmoving with his head looking down at the front of the stage until the perfect moment, then his whole body growled “Killing in the name of!” right before the super heavy funky main riff came in and the crowd erupted with metal madness. Everyone monkey, primate and Human in the place was dancing and/or headbanging and singing.

  The entire Mosh Tree was rocking. Then the song gets to that part where it

  slows and Zach kind of talks “Some of those that work forces, are the same that burn crosses.” Axl was stomping the stage from left to right, looking intensely at the crowd, pointing and emphasizing every word like it was torturing him. L, Perry and Tony had seen Rage live many times, Axl seemed to be channeling Zach in his prime. The band was perfect.

  They got near the finale of the first song, Axl started whispering,”Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me.” over and over, building up. The entire crowd was bouncing with them, anticipating the perfect ending to a Rage song.

  The crowd exploded with “FUCK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!”, the entire Mosh Tree shook with the song. A Chimp hanging from the roof by his tail did a double backflip into the pit, many smaller monkeys floated on the crowd. A circle pit of mainly gorillas bounced in a circle, stomping the ground, bouncing as high as possible, singing screaming into the air. Axl finished the song, drawing upon a deep unseen anger and growled the final words, “MOTHERFUCKER!” baring his teeth at the crowd.

  All three Humans’ hair was standing up on the back of their necks. They looked at each other,”Holy Fuck!” They all thought.

  “That was intense!” Tony yelled over the roaring crowd.

  L asked,”Are you guys going in that pit?” “No fuckin way!” Perry said.

  “I might!” Tony replied.

  King smiled at them,”You should. They won’t hurt you… That bad.” He smiled

  bigger.

  The way their concerts worked was 1 hour of show, followed by a 30 minute

  break. King said they planned to do 3 hour long sets.

  They played a set that consisted mostly of the greatest metal hits of the 90s and 2000s. Les sang backup, he had a high voice for a gorilla, but he nailed the backing vocals to all the songs. He sang with soul.

  After a few songs and a few glasses of Monkey Juice, Tony motioned at King

  and they barrelled into the pit for a few Rage songs. Tony had been in mosh pits with big dudes before, but never as big as a bunch of gorillas. Most of the time in the pit he couldn’t see the stage, which was pretty normal. While he bounced around, he ran into other members of the mosh pit and tried pushing them. It was like pushing on a hairy wall. It didn’t matter to him, he was having a blast being pushed around.

  During a heavy Sevendust cover, Tony put his hands together and motioned to King, like “Float me.” He didn’t think about the implications of having the Silverback of a giant tribe of a thousand Primates float him. King put his hands low and interlocked his fingers. Tony stepped in enthusiastically. and was instantly flying, higher than he imagined. He saw the stage descending below him, Axl looking up at him while singing. He saw the ceiling of Mosh Tree closing in, slowing down, and then stopping. A few monkeys hanging on the ceiling reached out to touch him, they almost could. He looked down and began descending, his stomach dropped out like on a rollercoaster. He was 30 or 40 feet up, a circle pit of gorillas below him. He had the biggest smile on his face ever, normally falling from this height would be dangerous or even deadly, he didn’t seem to care. L looked on from the crowd, she was scared for him. Tony flashed double devil horns to the entire arena as he fell. He landed softly in a pad of gorilla arms. Everyone cheered.

  They played a rare Praxis song “Worship.” An awesome song about how

  terrible religion can be. Perry loved it for that reason, they all did actually. Jimi wore a KFC bucket on his head for that song, a tribute to the great Buckethead.

  They ended the first hour with their amazing metal version of John Lennon’s

  “Imagine.” The intermission started, although it really wasn’t an intermission, more like a 30 minute break for the band to rest and party with the crowd. The band didn’t go backstage to some secret room where women had give blow jobs to get in. There was no security, there was no band green room. They sat on the stage, jumped into the crowd to party with friends, just hung out. Moon stayed behind his drums and let the fan blow on his sweaty Baboon ass. People came on stage to give their praises.

  L was talking with Perry, “This sort of break would never go over well in Human society.”

  Perry agreed,”Some asshole would steal shit off the stage.”

  L continued,”Some whores would want the band to themselves and probably

  start a fight between guys to get it.”

  “Yep. This is the best, Humans suck.” Perry concluded.

  A great, 30 minute party ensued. This refuelled the band and the crowd, and soon that powerful energy of a great rock show that was about to start was back. They took th
e stage and started their second set.

  The second set started with Cluth’s Profits of Doom. A fitting song for the

  world they were living in, with warstores ravaging the Earth, leveling cities. The profits the Elohssa Corporation was making were certainly being used for “Doom”-like activities. “Swallower of Planets!”, those lyrics never seemed to ring more true. The Primates and Monkeys all felt this too, as they were serving as the front line. They were fighting the warstores for their own freedom. Little did the Humans on the other side of the fence know there were a bunch of cloned Monkeys and Primates fighting against the warstores from the inside. The Primates and Monkeys were pretty much fighting to save the Planet from a monster that Humans created, and that monster could almost be summed up with the title “Profits of Doom.”

  They rocked for another hour. A Pantera song came on and although Tony

  thought he shouldn’t go into the mosh pit with all those gorillas again, he went anyways, the music pulled him in. He looked back at L, he just was going to tell her he’ll be right back but she jumped up, “Let’s go!” They both stayed down in the pit for enough songs to be covered in sweat and out of breath.

  The end of the second set concluded with the most epic version of Mr Bungle’s Retrovertigo ever. The song starts out mellow, it kind of sounds like a like a Mother Goose fairy tale or nursery rhyme. Retrovertigo also has lyrics that amazingly describe the plight of Humans in this time (and Primates and Monkeys). Timeless like any great song.

  The song went on, Axl singing, “Sell the right, to your blight.” Tony remembered having to look up the word “blight” to know what that line meant. He thought about those maniac Ads, who covered their body with advertisements, they for sure sold the right to their blight.

  Axl kept singing,“Now I’m finding truuth is a ruin. Nauseus end that noobody

  is pursuin’” Perry loved that line and sang it with his soul as loud as he could. The whole arena almost sang along.

  Axl continued singing, doing his best Mike Patton impression, “Starin into glaassy eyes. Mesmeriiized!” L remembered the look of the zombie-like Ads, infected with ICs, looking right past her with their glassy eyes.

  Retrovertigo wasn’t the fastest song in the world, but is was heavy. Heavy as

  fuck right then and there. Tony wished the real band Mr Bungle was here to see this, they would’ve been impressed.

  So many different lines of that song were ringing true to each of the humans.

  The song ends fading out to silence. And the entire arena was silent at the end. Then Patton, I mean, Axl held up his mic and the place exploded with roaring cheers. The 2nd set was better than the first.

  During the second break, they partied more. They were all tired and didn’t think they could handle raging for another hour.

  In front of them a gorilla with pink eyeshadow walked by. Tony nudged at

  Perry, but he already saw and nudged back. “I know!”

  She made her way to their row and scooted by people. Perry welcomed her and made space for her.

  “Well hello.” He said enthusiastically.

  “Hi handsome. Remember me?” She asked, sitting next to him.

  “Of course I remember you. How could I forget?” “Amazing show so far, huh?” Candy asked.

  “Ohh my God yes!” Perry replied. He leaned into her and said something. He was in super close, they may have been kissing.

  Tony looked at L like “Ohh ohh!” L shook her head.

  The third and final set started surprisingly with “Brick House” by the Commodores. Then they went right into “Super Freak” by Rick James. They were bringin the funk in the third set it seemed.

  Everyone was standing up groovin to Super Freak. Candy started dancing with

  her ass to Perry, grinding on him like she was a Super Freak. Perry didn’t think twice and was dancing in the moment, grabbing her furry butt and hips. She seemed to like it when he grabbed her fur and used it to hold her.

  She was a good dancer, in the groove, her motions completely in tune with his. Her ass was warm and felt really good. Perry started to get aroused. She looked back at him with a warm sexy smile. She reached back and felt his slight arousal, then made an “Ooh, look what I found” face. She stroked him for a moment with those long gorilla fingers, he had never felt anything like that before. He went from aroused to beyond hard. She pushed his body back with hers, forcing him back into the seat. He fell into his seat with a plop. He was a bit nervous, he looked to both sides. Everyone was dancing. He was more enthusiastic than nervous. She took a step towards him, turned around in front of him and into a better position. She reached for his zipper and attempted once to unzip it unsuccessfully, then in one motion ripped the front of his pants off. She looked back at him again, this time her face said,”Oops.” She lowered herself down a bit and lowered her ass even more. She hovered right above his lap. He felt her heat. For a long moment she looked at him, then lowered herself onto him. It was hot, and strong. She went all the way down in one motion and took him in effortlessly. He jerked, it was amazing and weird, he had to try not to come or he would have. She looked back and closed her eyes in pleasure. She went slowly all the way back up, looking back the whole time. She smiled and closed her eyes as she slowly went all the way down again. He reacted and grabbed at her hips, pulled on her fur, reached around and felt for her breasts. The skin was a little rough, but they were breasts. She got excited and squeezed him inside her. She did a few more slow pumps and then unleashed a fury of extremely fast pumping. It was like nothing he had felt or seen, and Perry was a pervert who thought he had seen the entirety of porn on the internet. She was pumping faster than any human woman, or man, could’ve ever fucked him. Within a few seconds he came, harder than he had ever came before. His body shuddered and he moaned uncontrollably, for a second he was completely out of his mind and forgot where he was. He wrapped his arms around her without thinking, a wave of warmth washed over his body. Perry was in love.

  Perry came back to reality and looked around, no one had noticed. The band just finished Super Freak and he stood up, he was now a Super Freak of his own. He kissed her cheek and reached for the glass of Monkey Juice.

  The third set was just as amazing as the first two. They injected some funk in the third set with some Bootsie Collins and Kool and the Gang, every funk song tinged with at least some heavy metal. The played Kool and the Gang’s “Misled”. Tony thought that was a rare Kool and the Gang song, one of his favorites, but not a “greatest hit”. Tony always thought it would make a good funk metal song and it did. They were going deep.

  After that they switched back to metal with an epic 16 minute cover of Stoned Jesus' “I'm the Mountain.”

  Including the first, second and third hour long sets, the entire show setlist consisted of something like this, not in order: “War Pigs” by Black Sabbath, “Waffle” and “Black” by Sevendust, “Dopes to Infinity” and “Space Lord” from Monster Magnet, many songs off the first Rage album, “Forty Six and Two”, “Eulogy” and “Vicarious” from Tool, “Zombie Eaters”, “Surprise You’re Dead” and “Jizzlobber” from Faith No More, Guns & Roses songs “Welcome to the Jungle”, “Mr Brownstone”, “Night Train” and “Out ta get Me”. “Redefine” by Incubus, “Milk” by Jimmie’s Chicken Shack, “What’s up People?” by Maximum the Hormone, “Time” by the Deli Creeps,“Fight for your Right” by Beastie Boys, “Electric Reckoning” by Lionize, “Too Many Puppies” by Primus and a sweet extra pirate-y version of “Coattails of a Deadman”. The band all wore pirate hats for that song and threw a bunch into the crowd. They played a number of Clutch songs, “Soapmakers”, “Earth Rocker”, “Spacegrass.”

  They played a few slower songs for fun throughout the night: “Edge of the

  World” by Faith No More, “Dope Show” by Marilyn Manson, “Been Caught Stealin’” by Jane’s Addiction, “Fat” by Weird Al. Axl even put on a makeshift fat suit for Fat, it only made him have a
beer belly, but he shook and bounced his beer belly off everything around during that song.

  The theme of their massive setlist was definitely rebellion based, but also they liked to have fun. Taking yourself too seriously is the rabbit hole you go down when you want to stop having fun.

  And in a rare pre-song talk, Axl said to the crowd,”I hope this next song comes true in some way. Last song.” The whole arena went ape shit, they must’ve known what the last song was going to be. King looked down at the Humans,”This is our favorite song!” They unleashed an extended rocking cover of Clutch’s “Escape From the Prison Planet.” A song about escaping a prison planet, it meant alot to all of these Primates and monkeys, who were essentially living on a prison planet. During the chorus of “Get out. Eject!” Axl didn’t even sing, he just held out the mic as the entire arena sang it for him. They obviously also liked the second chorus when they all got to sing “Escape from the planet of the Apes!” They brought the house down in a big epic finale.

  Not too far away…

  Inside the cockpit of an Elohssa warstore, Mosh Tree is on the main screen,

  numbers change and scroll by in a little windows on the edges of the screen. A

  “Whoosh” sound is heard and everyone snaps to attention. Then the clicking of the Captain’s shoes and his guards.

  “That’s where they are?” The Captain asked.

  “That’s what clone 40269 reported.” A supervisor reported.

  “Send out two pairs of Tall and Short. Have them kill any survivors who try to escape.” The Captain ordered.

  In another part of the warstore, far from the cockpit, the IG88-like eyes of Tall

  the robot and Short the wheeled robot lit up. Hooks unlatched, a door grinded open and they took off. Shortly after, another 2 pairs of eyes lit up and another pair of Tall and Short took off into the night.

  “Well?” The Captain asked.

  “Two pairs of Tall and Short have been deployed.” A non-supervisor replied.

  The Captain looked over at one of his guards, twisted his mouth and pointed at the crew member who just talked out of line. Both guards rushed over, grabbed him and began dragging him out of the office, kicking and screaming.