Bluebird

by Stella James

  “Take these home with you Logan,” she tells him. “I’ll leave them on the top shelf.”

  “Yes ma’am,” he says.

  “I should be home around eleven, once we get the clean-up done and everything put away.”

  “Okay, we’re just gonna watch a movie I think,” I tell her.

  She hugs us both before she leaves and I start washing the dishes while Logan dries. It doesn’t take us long and once they’re put away, I reach for his hand and lead him to my bedroom. He wraps his arms around my waist and walks behind me, kissing the back of my neck and making me shiver.

  “Presents first,” I demand, flipping on the light. “Sit.”

  I reach into my closet and pull out the snowman paper covered box and set it beside him on the bed. “You open yours first,” I say nervously. I’ve never bought anything for a guy before, and I’m worried he’ll hate it. He smiles and pulls the paper off, opens the box and pulls out the navy blue hoodie.

  “Is it okay?” I blurt out. “I can return it if you don’t like it.”

  “I love it,” he says. “You’re not returning it.”

  “Okay,” I smile as his lips find mine.

  “Close your eyes,” he says. “And hold out your hand.”

  I do as he asks, surprised when he kisses my palm before he sets a small box in my hand. I open my eyes and look down at the gold coloured wrapping paper and the little white bow. It’s so pretty I don’t want to ruin it.

  “You have to open it,” he laughs.

  “I know,” I say, swatting his arm. “It’s so pretty though.”

  He lunges for the box but I move it out of his reach and unwrap the delicate bow myself. I lift the lid and look down to see a thin gold chain with a small golden charm. I take it out of the box and realize it’s a bird.

  “Oh my God, Logan,” I gasp. “This is too much.”

  “No, it’s not,” he disagrees, taking it from my hands and undoing the clasp. “I would have gotten you a lot more if I could have.”

  I lift my hair while he puts the necklace around my neck. I hold up the dainty little bird and look at it closely.

  “It’s beautiful, thank you,” I say, leaning forward and throwing my arms around him. “I’ll never take it off. I promise.”

  “I love you Prairie,” he says.

  I lean back so he can see how much I mean the words when I say them back, “I love you too.”

  He moves to nudge me back onto my bed but I stop him. “Just wait, there’s one more thing,” I say.

  “You better not have gotten me anything else,” he warns.

  “Just wait here,” I grin.

  I quickly go back to the kitchen and reach up into the cupboard. I would have never known that Logan’s birthday is tomorrow but he dropped his wallet the other day and I noticed the date on his driver’s license when I handed it back to him. I didn’t tell him because I wanted to surprise him.

  I open the package of Twinkies that I bought yesterday and stick a blue candle in one. I wait until I’m closer to my bedroom before I light the candle and open the door. He looks up as I walk back into the room and shakes his head with a laugh. I sing quietly and sit down beside him. “Make a wish,” I say.

  He’s quiet for a second and then he blows out the candle. He takes the Twinkie from my hand and sets it down on the nightstand before he pulls me into his arms and holds me tightly, like he’s afraid I’m gonna disappear.

  “You didn’t tell me,” I say. “How come?”

  “It’s just another day,” he replies.

  “Not to me.”

  I push him back gently onto the bed and lower myself on top of him, straddling his hips, “It’ll never be just another day to me,” I promise as I lean down and kiss his neck and then his mouth. I reach my hand down and move it up and down between his legs. I have no idea what I’m doing but his other hand grips my back so I figure I must be doing something right.

  “Will you tell me what to do?” I ask, using both my hands to undo the button on his jeans. I slide the zipper down and rub him over top of his checkered boxers. I use my other hand to prop myself up on the mattress as I reach underneath the elastic band and wrap my hand around him. He’s really hard and feels bigger than I thought he would.

  “Prairie, you don’t have to,” he says with a groan.

  “I want to touch you,” I say. “But I wanna make it good, tell me what to do.”

  I’m over the humiliation of having less experience than him, I want to make him feel the same way he makes me feel and I want to do it right.

  “Just, ah, just grip me tighter,” he says. “Like this.”

  He wraps his hand around mine and shows me how to do it and then he moves our hands up and down.

  “Okay, let go and let me do it,” I grin.

  I keep my movements the same as he showed me. He’s gripping my shoulder now and breathing heavily against my cheek. He reaches his other hand up and brings my mouth to his. I move my hand faster and faster until his whole body tenses up and I feel something sticky on my fingers. He kisses me harder, his hand on the back of my head now. I pull my hand away and reach for a Kleenex on the nightstand. I wipe my fingers and his stomach before I pull up his boxers and do his jeans back up. I rest my hand on top of his heart and feel it pound underneath my palm until it eventually slows down.

  “Was that okay?” I ask.

  “Um, yes, it was perfect,” he says with a laugh. “Was that not obvious?”

  “I’m just making sure.”

  “It was perfect,” he says again.

  We lie there quietly and I trail my fingertips along his stomach while he plays with the ends of my hair.

  “Why a bird?” I ask, touching the charm around my neck.

  “Because it reminded me of you,” he says. “A beautiful thing trapped in a cage, waiting to be set free.”

  “I only wanna be free if you’re free with me.”

  He grows quiet for a moment before he pulls me up for a lazy kiss. I wish we had more time tonight.

  “I hate that you can’t come with us this weekend,” I complain.

  My mom and I are driving to Edison to spend the weekend with my aunt and uncle and their two kids. I wanted Logan to come too and mom even said it was okay, but he has to work.

  “I know,” he sighs. “Me too.”

  “Two days feels like forever,” I laugh quietly. “Is that crazy, that I’ll miss you that much?”

  “No,” he says. “Cause I’ll miss you just as much.”

  “Maybe we should write each other a letter,” I suggest. “Since we probably won’t be able to talk on the phone. Like I could leave one with you and you could give me one to take with me and if we miss each other, we can just read the letter.”

  “You want me to write you a love letter, Prairie?” he grins.

  “Yes,” I reply simply. “And I’ll write you one.”

  He reaches for the Twinkie and breaks it in two, handing me one half. “Deal,” he says.

  We tap the halves together and right then it feels like everything in the entire world is perfect.

  Chapter 9

  Logan

  I roll my shoulders as I head for my truck and groan at the ache that spreads over my entire body. I spent most of the day underneath an old Bronco helping Dusty. He designated me as his bitch and gave me all the shit jobs to do but I didn’t mind that much. Every bit of experience that the guys in Gary’s shop give me is one more step towards getting my mechanic’s ticket and getting a full-time job and maybe someday even running my own garage. I used to only ever think about myself when I’d think about the future, but now I think about Prairie too.

  She left last night for Edison with her mom but we managed to spend most of the day together and we exchanged our letters. I thought it would be hard trying to write something for her but when I sat down and put my pencil on the paper, it was easy. I have the letter she wrote me in my back pocket and plan on reading it when I get home. I�
��m a pussy for missing her as much as I do, but I can’t help it. I love her.

  I zip up the hoodie she gave me and climb in the truck. The engine grumbles to a start and I let it sit for a few minutes to warm up. Spending Christmas with Prairie and her mom was by far the best holiday I’ve ever had. My grandma used to microwave two Hungry Man dinners and we’d sit in the living room and watch T.V. When I was a kid she said that she was so used to being by herself, and she didn’t see the point in cooking a big meal just for the two of us.

  Christmas at Prairie’s wasn’t fancy or over the top, but it was nice. I was scared as shit to give her that necklace. I bought it two weeks ago when I was picking up parts for Gary. I was waiting on a case of brake pads and wandered into the shitty little pawn shop sitting on the corner of the industrial lot. I didn’t plan on buying anything but when I saw that little bird necklace, I knew that I had to give it to Prairie. It was cheap and used, but it still sparkled in the light and I knew it would be okay to give it to her because she doesn’t care about that kind of stuff. Not like other girls. The lady behind the counter wrapped it in that fancy box for me, saying that presentation is everything and it would make it look more expensive.

  I’m sure Brenda wouldn’t have even known it was Christmas if her boss at the bar across the tracks hadn’t told her and given her the day off. Her and Brad were passed out on the couch when I left for Prairie’s. Now that I’m eighteen, I’m itching to get the hell out of there but I can’t afford to live on my own, and despite the useless nature of my mom and stepdad, living with them is mostly free.

  The lights are off when I pull into the driveway, they must be out somewhere. I step through the front door, avoiding the usual mess of beer cans and food wrappers and head for the bathroom first. I take a quick shower and jerk off, which I wasn’t planning on, but as soon as I closed my eyes under the water I saw Prairie leaning over top of me and remembered how it felt to have her hands on me. I know it embarrasses her that I’m more experienced than she is, but I don’t care about that shit. The girls I’ve been with in Drayton were nothing special to me and I probably wasn’t anything special to them either. We were just bored teenagers trying to find something to do.

  I change into some clean clothes and lie back on my bed. I pull the neatly folded envelope from my pocket with my name written across the middle in girly handwriting. It still blows my mind that Prairie chooses me. She has no idea how guys look at her or how beautiful she is. She could have anyone she wants, and she still wants me.

  Dear Logan,

  I miss you. Ha-ha. Really, I do. I don’t even need to know when you’ll be reading this because it won’t matter. I’ll miss you five minutes after I leave, just as much as I’ll miss you ten hours from then. I hope you don’t miss me too much, maybe just a little bit though. Then I won’t feel so silly.

  I’ve decided that I’m gonna use this letter to tell you the things that I haven’t told you yet. They’re all good things and I think it’s important that you know them. Because I love you. So here’s the first thing, that day when we first saw each other in the office? I thought you were so good looking ;) But it wasn’t just that, I felt like I couldn’t breathe when you looked at me, like you were seeing something in me that no one else had ever seen before. Later on when I ran into you in the library and I could smell the laundry soap on your shirt, I wanted to wrap my arms around you and just stand there smelling you. LOL, that sounds creepy. I’m sorry.

  I could see something in your eyes that day that made me think that maybe you were a bit sad and I didn’t like it. The first time I heard you laugh, I decided that it was my most favourite sound in the entire world and I wanted to hear it again and again.

  I know that not much of this makes sense, and I’ve probably just gone full creeper on you. But my mom always says it’s the little things that count and all of these little things mean something to me, so I hope they mean something to you.

  Thank you for loving me and for letting me love you back. I know that no matter what happens in the future, we’ll find a way to be together. I feel it in my heart and all the way down to my bones. You’re the only one for me, Logan. And I know we’re young, but I know what I feel and I know it’s real. You and me. Always.

  Prairie xoxox

  I read her letter over and over again until I finally fall asleep.

  *

  The door crashes open and flies off its hinges. I open my eyes just as Brad pulls me from the bed by my ankle. I fall to the floor and he kicks me in the ribs.

  “You no good piece of shit! You stole it, didn’t you?!”

  He kicks me again and a shock of pain vibrates through my body. I try to scramble away, catching his boot in my hand, I shove him backwards and I’m finally able to stand.

  “What the fuck are you talking about!?”

  “You stole my money!” he shouts. “Probably used it to buy that little virgin girlfriend of yours somethin’ special!”

  “I didn’t fucking steal from you and you’ll shut your mouth about her,” I warn.

  I can hear my blood pumping through my veins, my fists are clenched so tight that it should hurt but I can’t feel anything. I’m numb.

  “Fuckin’ liar,” he growls, charging towards me.

  I try. I try so hard to let it go and to walk away but something in me snaps. Something that’s always been there that I’ve been really good at hiding. All I see is my anger and all I feel is every shitty thing in my life that makes me hate him. Brenda. Those spoiled assholes at school. Everything fades away except for my rage. Thinking about Prairie can’t even pull me back at this point.

  When my fist hits his jaw, I stop pretending to be someone I’m not. When I pin him on the ground and hit his face until my fists are numb and covered in blood, I realize the truth.

  I’m a defect. I’m no good. I’m just a product of my shitty environment and it’s time to stop pretending that I can be anyone else.

  Two hours later I’m sitting in the back of a squad car, staring out at the sky as the stars begin to come out. I overhear a word or two.

  Critical condition.

  The mom demands we press charges.

  He’s eighteen, we have to charge him as an adult.

  I close my eyes and lean my head back against the seat.

  I fucked everything up. Just like deep down, I always knew I would.

  Chapter 10

  Prairie

  We are finally in the car and driving back from Edison. Two days spent with my five year old twin cousins and I’m craving silence. My aunt and uncle have a small house in the suburbs, she stays home with the kids and he works in construction. They’ve asked my mom and I to come and live with them about a thousand times but my mom wanted me to finish school in Redemption and she appeases them by saying she might consider it once I’ve gone off to college. I hope she does. Then I won’t feel so bad about leaving. We still have another thirty minutes ahead of us in the one hour drive back home so I reach into my bag and pull out the letter that Logan gave me. I desperately wanted to read it yesterday but there was no time and I was so tired by the time my head hit the pillow. Kids are exhausting.

  My mom is busy humming along with the radio so I unfold the piece of lined paper that he ripped from his notebook and begin to read.

  Prairie,

  I never thought that I would meet someone like you. After my grandma died, I knew I’d have to come live with my mom and Brad and I was so pissed off about it. But then I saw you that day in the office and in the library and I started to think that it might not be so bad. I don’t know why you love me or why you want me, and I won’t ever ask, because I don’t want to jinx it.

  You asked me once why I never fight back when Brad gets on my case, or when he takes his shit out on me (sorry for cussing)…and I didn’t tell you. Because I was embarrassed. But I want you to know the truth because that’s what it means when you love someone, I think. You show them all the parts of yourself that you don’t
think are very nice and they love you anyways. The good and the bad. That’s what I think anyways, so I’m gonna tell you why I don’t fight back.

  It’s because I’m scared. I’m scared that if I fight back I won’t be able to stop and then I’ll make a mess of everything. Sometimes I feel really angry and I don’t know what to do with it. That day in the cafeteria when that jerk came and sat with us, I wanted to kill him for how he spoke to you. But you put your hand on mine and it was like everything was quiet again. You made me want to be good. I don’t expect you to always take that upon yourself, and it’s not your job. But being with you makes me want to be better. I was so ashamed of myself for losing my temper at the dance. I should have controlled myself but you never made me feel bad. Thanks for that. Thanks for never making me feel like I’m not good enough for you. You deserve the world Prairie, and I’m gonna work so hard to make sure I can give it to you.

  I hope this doesn’t scare you. I’d never hurt you, I hope you know that. You’re the best thing in my life.

  I love you more than anything and I hope you still love me after you read this. I hope you still love me even though some parts of me aren’t nice. I’d do anything for you Prairie, all you have to do is ask. I miss you.

  Logan.

  I wipe away my tears before they can fall. I wish the car would move faster. I need to tell Logan that I love him. All of him. So that he always knows and never has to wonder.

  *

  Once we pull into the driveway, my mom shoos me off to go see Logan while she brings our overnight bags into the house. My heart jumps when I see his truck parked out front. I’m a bit nervous and hoping he’ll answer the door. I’ve never talked to his mom and the last time I saw his stepdad at the diner he gave me the major creeps. I knock on the door, practically bouncing on my feet and wait for him to answer. But when the door opens, it isn’t him.

  “What do you want?” she asks, taking a drag of her cigarette.