Uncle John's the Haunted Outhouse Bathroom Reader for Kids Only!

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  “The dead are all around us,” Jill’s mom had told her. “You can see them if you want to. Most people just don’t want to.”

  But some people did. That’s where Jill’s mom came in. She conducted seances, turning herself into a bridge between the living and their lost loved ones. If the dead didn’t show up, Jill knew just what to do: knock three times.

  Her mom’s desk was the key. It had two drawers on the left side and two drawers on the right. But the drawers on the right side were fake. Behind them was a hollow space just big enough for Jill to sit inside. Before a seance, Jill would push the hidden latch that swung the fake drawers open like a door, then slip inside. If her mom rapped three times during the seance but no spirit answered, Jill would rap three times from inside her nook.

  Just before the cancer took her, Jill’s mom had promised to watch over her, even beyond death.

  “But how will I know?” Jill had asked.

  “I’ll use our special knock.”

  “Three times?” Jill said.

  “Three times,” her mother had whispered. And then she’d closed her eyes and gone to sleep…forever.

  That’s why Jill had to find that desk. And she did, but not in an antique shop. One night, as she tossed and turned on her bony mattress, she heard a knock. Thump. Then she heard a second knock. Thump. And a third. Thump! Jill sat straight up in the bed. The knock seemed to be coming from the other side of the wall. Matron’s room! Jill crept into the hall. Knock. Knock. Knock. She pressed her ear against Matron’s door. KNOCK KNOCK. KNOCK.

  She turned the doorknob, as slowly and silently as she could. Then she peered inside. The room was bathed in the warm yellow glow of a single lamp that sat atop…her mother’s desk! What was it doing here? Jill glanced over her shoulder. Matron was nowhere in sight, so she crept into the room. Knock. Knock. Knock.

  “Mom?” Jill eased closer to the desk. “Is that you?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous!” said a muffled voice. “Now get me out of here!”

  Jill recognized that voice. And it wasn’t her mother’s. “How did you get my mother’s desk?”

  “I bought it,” said the matron. “Now get me out!”

  Jill blinked. “But… why? You knew I’d been looking everywhere for it.”

  “It’s not rocket science. You wouldn’t be looking so hard unless there was something valuable hidden in here. And I’m going to find it.”

  Jill shook her head. “No, you’re not.” She pushed the hidden latch, and the fake drawers swung open.

  Matron crawled out. “Finally. Now if you know what’s good for you, you’ll keep your mouth shut about this.”

  Scratch. Scratch. Scratch.

  Matron’s eyes widened. “What was that?”

  Scratch. Scratch. Scratch.

  “I-it’s the desk!” Matron shrieked. “Get that thing out of here. Get it out right now!”

  “Whatever you say,” said Jill. Back in her room, Jill opened the fake drawers again. She shone the flashlight inside. Two red eyes peered out at her. “So that’s where you’ve been hiding.” Jill reached in to pull Scratcher into her arms. Then she crawled back into bed. “’Night, Scratcher.” She snuggled into her pillow and rubbed her cheek against the rat’s soft fur. Knock. Knock. Knock. Jill reached out and patted the desk. “’Night, Mom.”

  THE END

  DARK DESTINATIONS

  Tips for where to take your next scare-cation.

  1. PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA

  Pennsylvania’s Eastern State Penitentiary opened in 1829. It had thick castle-like walls. Guards watched inmates from tall stone towers. It was designed for one thing: to change the behavior of inmates through “confinement in solitude with labor.” Prisoners lived, ate, slept, and even exercised alone. They couldn’t leave their cells without having hoods pulled over their heads so they couldn’t see—or be seen by—another human. Many experts believe years of solitary confinement caused mental illness among the prisoners. Some say it led to hauntings. In 1971, the penitentiary was abandoned. But footsteps are still heard in empty exercise yards. Wails drift down deserted corridors. Disembodied laughter splits the cold silence of Cell Block 12. The “haunted prison” opened in 1994 for nighttime creepfests. Since then, 60 paranormal investigation teams have visited. Their verdict? The prison is haunted…probably by the ghosts of past inmates.

  2. SALEM, MASSACHUSETTS

  In 1692, Salem played host to the now-infamous Witch Trials. After being found guilty of witchcraft, more than 20 men and women were either hung or pressed to death with heavy stones. Rather than shying away from its sordid past, Salem has embraced it. Every Halloween, the city puts on a parade and hosts haunted cruises and trolley tours. Visitors can see spooky magic shows, join mediums for séances, and experience reenactments of the Salem Witch Trials. Oh, and the modern-day Witches of Salem meet on Salem Commons for a “celebration of loved ones who have crossed over.”

  3. SAVANNAH, GEORGIA

  The Institute of Parapsychology has awarded Savannah the nickname “America’s Most Haunted City.” To understand the hauntings, you have to know the history. Before the Civil War, Savannah was a major exporter of cotton, nicknamed “White Gold.” Warehouses crowded the east end of River Street. Slaves baled and stacked all that cotton. Many died from disease while chained to the walls of those warehouses. Now, ghostly shadows are sometimes seen in the warehouses. Disembodied voices echo inside. Items mysteriously move along floors. Savannah also boasts haunted houses, Civil War forts, and cemeteries. At Bonaventure Cemetery, visitors sometimes see a pack of ghost dogs roaming the graves.

  4. TOMBSTONE, ARIZONA

  Tombstone started out in the 1870s as a mining camp. Pretty soon the town was overrun with bandits and horse thieves, all of them packing pistols and bent on making trouble. Enter: Marshall Virgil Earp and his brothers, Wyatt and Morgan. On October 26, 1881, Tombstone became the site of the most famous shootout in U.S. history. The cattle-rustling Clanton gang shot it out with the Earp brothers and their buddy Doc Holliday at the O.K. Corral. (Actually, they shot it out between the buildings near the corral, but that’s splitting hairs.) Three outlaws were killed in the fight, and some visitors report seeing their ghosts haunting the corral. Others claim to feel cold spots outside the corral.

  Around Halloween, Tombstone’s residents take advantage of its history with daily reenactments of the deadly gunfight and ghost tours. By the way, the gunfight still being talked about more than 130 years later lasted…thirty seconds.

  5. NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA

  Slavery, torture, voodoo, and murder are all part of New Orleans’ dark past. And many of its narrow streets and dark alleys are home to ghostly legends. The city’s most famous ghost? Marie Laveau: “The Voodoo Queen of New Orleans.” Laveau is buried in the St. Louis Cemetery on the edge of the French Quarter. Some say she still grants favors, but first, you must knock three times on her crypt. If you visit during the city’s four-day Halloween festivities, you might have to stand in line. While you await the Voodoo Queen’s favor, check out the parades and costume parties around the French Quarter, and don’t miss the city’s Voodoo Museum.

  6. NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK

  There’s something you may not know about the Big Apple: many of the city’s parks started out as cemeteries. Thousands of bodies are estimated to have been buried underneath what is now Washington Square Park in the city’s Greenwich Village. Before it became a park, the area served as a potter’s field (burial place for the poor) and the site of a public gallows. In the late 1700s, the area was used as a cemetery for yellow fever victims. Most people strolling through the park today have no idea how many skeletons rest beneath their feet.

  7. SNAGOV, ROMANIA

  Fans of Bram Stoker’s Dracula might enjoy a visit to this snake-shaped lake north of Bucharest, Romania. A tiny island in the middle of the lake is rumored to be the final resting place of the real-life inspiration for the world’s most famous vampire: Vlad
Dracula Tepes. Prince Vlad lived in the 1400s and now has a reputation for being one of the cruelest rulers to ever live. Why? He had a habit of skewering his enemies—mostly Turks—on long stakes. In 1456, Vlad fortified the tiny island in the middle of Snagov lake. He built a church, a prison, and a torture chamber on the island. Vlad was rumored to have been buried beneath the floor of the church, but when the grave was dug up in 1931, it was…empty. (Some claim the grave contained a headless torso.) Today, the gravesite is known as “Dracula’s Tomb.”

  •••

  GHOSTS AND ROSES

  Rock-and-run!

  IT WAS 2 A.M. Matt Sorum, the drummer for the rock-and-roll band Guns N’ Roses, was in a Hollywood music studio producing an album for another band. The band had just finished recording for the night. That left Sorum and engineer Jim Mitchell alone in the studio. The band had sounded fine while they were recording. But during playback, Sorum and Mitchell heard something odd. “Every time we played back the tape there was this low kind of a voice-rumbling sound,” Sorum said.

  Mitchell took a break and went to the restroom. When he returned, he looked like he was in shock. “I just saw a ghost,” he told Sorum. “This guy walked behind me in the bathroom and then he disappeared.” Sorum and Mitchell went back to investigate. “We got right to the door and a voice said, “Don’t come in here, you’re not invited,” said Sorum.

  “Out of the left corner of my eye I saw this mass of air that looked like a small cloud floating across the room,” said Sorum. The icy cloud ran up his arm and down his body. Sorum and Mitchell packed up. Later, they learned that others had seen the same ghost. In 1991, a headless body had been found behind the building. He’s believed to be the one who haunts the studio.

  ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

  Zombies are fake, right? The United States government would never confirm the existence of zombies, right? Right?!

  THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING!

  That scary headline appeared above a real news story in September 2012. In the report, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security warned citizens to be prepared for a zombie apocalypse! Since when did the U.S. government believe in zombies? Since…never. But government officials thought a zombie warning would get people’s attention.

  The real goal: to publicize National Preparedness Month and help families prepare for an actual (non-zombie-related) disaster. Turns out, you’d need the same things to survive a zombie invasion that you’d need to survive an earthquake, a hurricane, a disease pandemic, or a terrorist attack. Homeland Security says families should keep nonperishable food, bottled water, clothes, blankets, flashlights, batteries, and medical supplies on hand. And most importantly: Have an escape plan. That way you’ll know what to do if a horde of zombies comes stumbling down your street looking for braaaaaains!

  THE CENTERS FOR ZOMBIE CONTROL

  The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) is a U.S. government agency that protects the public in the event of a disease outbreak. Not surprisingly, when the CDC printed up a “Zombie Preparedness Guide” in 2011, people freaked. A CDC official quickly reassured the public—“There has never been a single substantiated report of a real zombie.” But the official did not rule out the possibility of the dead rising to feast on the living. What’s the CDC’s plan for dealing with an undead outbreak? Here’s an excerpt from the “Zombie Preparedness Guide”:

  If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak. CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or other nations dealing with a zombie infestation. This assistance might include consultation, lab testing and analysis, patient management and care, tracking of contacts, and infection control.

  Hopefully, the doctors at the CDC never have to save us from a zombie attack. But just in case, Uncle John has a survival plan, too: RUN!

  •••

  TONGUELESS TWISTERS

  For zombies and others who mostly speak in vowels.

  Eater Iper icked an eck of ickled eppers.

  Izzy Izard i-i-iz an izard, iz ee?

  Air’s oo oots are ooties.

  Ix ows in an arn, en igs in an ig en.

  FASHION FAILS

  Bell-bottoms. The mullet. Jeggings. All bad ideas, and yet not nearly as bad as what these stars call fashion!

  GAG-A

  Lady Gaga has referred to her style as “commentary on what it means to be a lady.” Somehow, that just doesn’t explain the meat dress she wore for the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards. A creation of designer Franc Fernandez, Gaga’s body-hugging dress was made entirely of raw meat. So were the matching hat, shoes, and purse. “After time spent under the lights, it would smell like the rotting flesh it is and likely be crawling in maggots,” said a spokesperson for PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals).

  ELTON’S JUST DUCKY

  In 1975, Elton John wore a Donald Duck suit at a live performance in New York City’s Central Park. Why? “It just made me laugh,” said the singer. He wasn’t laughing for long. Turns out a duck suit is a bit…impractical in performance. “When I tried to sit down, the costume’s bum was so big that it tipped me forward,” said Elton. “My nose was practically pitched onto the keyboard.”

  KATY-GO-ROUND

  Over the years, pop star Katy Perry has dressed up as a Christmas tree, a fruit bowl, a snowman (snow-woman?), and a movie ticket. But the dress she wore to the 2008 MTV Europe Music Awards really had heads spinning. The dress’s short skirt looked exactly like a colorful circus carousel. Exotic animals sparkling with Swarovski crystals circled around it. Best of all: The carousel actually rotated! “The inside of the skirt is full of bearings, nuts, and fittings to make the rotation possible,” said designer Manish Arora. Unfortunately, it didn’t have a motor, so Katy had to keep reaching down to spin the carousel herself.

  RAPPED TO FAIL

  The Huffington Post described the outfit rapper Nicki Minaj wore to the 2011 MTV Video Music Awards like this: “Nicki went to Toys “R” Us, gathered up all the brightly colored toys she could find, affixed them to her body, and then topped off the look with hair and jewelry inspired by tasty desserts.” The rapper’s outfit included a life-size ice-cream-cone necklace, a cartoon-print face-mask, and something that looked like the head of a platypus stuck to the top of her right foot. As for the hair? Imagine a neon yellow-and-pink cinnamon bun stuck to the top of someone’s head. Yep. That’s pretty much what it looked like. As one blogger put it, “Nicki’s VMA getup is the epitome of epic fail.”

  CANINE CORPSE PATROL

  When the FBI can’t find a body, they call in the big dogs.

  BOMB SNIFFING DOGS can smell materials used to make explosives. Drug sniffing dogs can sniff out marijuana stashed in a school locker. Human Remains Detection Canines, or HRD dogs, are trained to the recognize…the smell of death. And they do it with amazing accuracy: a trained dog can detect the scent of a dead body on the ground, even if it was removed from the spot a year earlier.

  HRD training starts with “fresh scent sources.” (Yes, it’s as icky as it sounds.) Dogs learn to sniff out hair, bone, teeth, tissue, blood, and other body fluids, but not from live humans—only from corpses. By the end of training HRD dogs can find bodies both above and below ground. They can even tell if a body has been dumped in a lake. How? By sniffing the water’s surface for tiny gas bubbles seeping from a corpse rotting underwater.

  The FBI usually calls in HRD dogs to find a specific missing person. If that person is a murder victim, finding the body is a crucial step in solving the crime. Thanks to HRD dogs, the FBI “nose” where to look!

  KICK THE SEVERED HAND

  A careless student has cut off a hand in shop class. What’s a teacher to do? Lead a game of kick-the-hand!

  WHAT YOU NEED: old glove, newspaper, red spray paint

  HOW TO PLAY:

  1.Stuff the glove with newspaper. Spray-paint it with “blood drops” and let it dry.

  2.Put the severed hand in the ce
nter of the playing area. The “shop teacher” guards the hand, closes his eyes, and counts to 50 while the “students” hide.

  3.Then the teacher looks for the hiders. When the teacher sees a student, he calls out, “I see you, Jake!”

  4.The teacher and the student race to see who kicks the severed hand first. If the teacher kicks it, Jake is out and joins the group in “after-school detention.” If Jake kicks it, he joins the “school’s out” group.

  5.The game continues until the teacher has found all the hiders and the last person has kicked the hand.

  6.If the detention group is bigger, the teacher wins. If the school’s-out group is bigger, the students win.

  HOLEY FLORIDA!

  Talk about pulling the rug out from under your feet.

  THE WINTER PARK SINKHOLE

  At 7:00 p.m. on May 8, 1981, a tree was suddenly sucked into the ground in Winter Park, Florida. Strange. But not nearly as strange as what happened 10 hours later: a sinkhole appeared under a public swimming pool. It grew rapidly to about 335 feet wide and 110 feet deep. It swallowed the pool, a two-story house, two streets, six commercial buildings, and five Porsches at a car dealership. Miraculously, nobody died.

  WHAT’S GOING ON: The earth may look solid, but don’t be fooled, especially when the stone beneath the ground is limestone as it is in Winter Park. All it takes to dissolve limestone is wate—and time. Water carves limestone into caves and caverns and passages. In time, it dissolves the roofs and walls of those underground spaces. If the water table is high: no problem. If the water table drops, wham! Those weakened walls and roofs collapse. Result: a sinkhole. Ironically, Winter Park’s building boom probably caused the sinkhole. As the city pumped water out of the ground and into new homes and businesses, the water table got lower and lower until the roof of an underground cavern collapsed. After the disaster, the city stabilized the sinkhole, sealed it up, and turned it into a lake.