Uncle John's the Haunted Outhouse Bathroom Reader for Kids Only!

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  The Thesaurus of Horror ran a story about a young Bavarian baron who had been buried in a mausoleum after a sudden unexplained death. Two days later, the story said, cemetery workers entered the crypt and found the baron’s body just inside the door. He had apparently been buried alive and escaped his coffin only to find himself sealed inside the burial chamber.

  In 1877, a British medical journal reported on a woman who had been declared dead. Three days after her burial, the crypt she’d been placed in was reopened. The woman was found with her clothes torn to pieces. “She had broken her limbs in attempting to extricate herself from the living tomb,” the journal reported.

  Victorian readers gobbled up these gruesome tales, but it wasn’t long before intrigue turned to terror. The public couldn’t help but wonder: Who would be next?

  INEXACT SCIENCE

  Victorians believed death was always preceded by a “death trance”: a state of deep unconsciousness in which all signs of life (things like breathing and muscle reflexes) ceased. This state was so similar to death itself that even trained physicians found it nearly impossible to tell the difference. But there was hope. Doctors thought it possible to revive a patient from a death trance. How? Through vigorous—even brutal—resuscitation techniques.

  Milder methods of reviving a patient included rubbing the gums with garlic and irritating the nostrils with onion juice or horseradish (today’s smelling salts work on the same principal, but use ammonia). One physician relied on “hideous shrieks and excessive noises” to shock the ears. Another preferred jamming a sharpened pencil up the patient’s nose.

  If these methods didn’t wake the patient from the death trance, more gruesome measures were in store. The soles of the feet might be sliced with razor blades or needles stabbed beneath the nail of the big toe. Boiling wax might be poured on the forehead or into the ear canal. In extreme cases, a red-hot poker might be—to put it delicately—“introduced to the corpse’s backside.”

  BEDS FOR THE DEAD

  Even after trying such extreme wake-up calls, doctors were still reluctant to pronounce someone dead. The only surefire proof of death? Putrefaction. That’s right. In those days, to prove someone was dead, you had to wait for the body to rot. But who wants to keep a rotting corpse around the house? Not only do corpses smell terrible, they pose health risks for the living. The solution: a “waiting mortuary”—a kind of hospital for the dead.

  Bodies were kept in warm comfy beds. Each corpse-in-waiting had a ring tied to a string placed on its finger. This string was attached to an alarm system that would be triggered by the slightest movement. Attendants made hourly rounds to check on “patients.” Bodies were kept until they either revived…or putrefaction set in.

  KEY TO THE AFTERLIFE

  Those horrified by the concept of waiting mortuaries (and who had plenty of money) opted for “security coffins” instead. The first recorded security coffin was built for Duke Ferdinand of Brunswick in 1792. It had a window to let in light and a ventilation hole to let in fresh air. Instead of being nailed shut, the lid housed a locking mechanism. The Duke was buried with a set of keys in a special pocket in his burial shroud. One key unlocked the lid and another unlocked the door of his crypt. Despite being buried in the Rolls Royce of security coffins, the Duke stayed dead.

  •••

  “All I desire for my own burial is not to be buried alive.”

  —Lord Chesterfield, 1769

  THE GRIMY TRUTH

  Great-Grandma Uncle John made the kids bathe every Saturday, whether they needed to or not. Maybe she knew something modern moms don’t!

  SORRY, MOM!

  Medical researchers have something to say about taking daily showers. Don’t do it! Why? The outer layer of skin (called the horny layer) is made up of hardened dead skin cells. Those cells are held together by lipids—fatty compounds that keep skin moist. Soap and hot water dissolve those lipids, and scrubbing sends skin’s protective outer layer down the drain. The more showers you take, the more skin damage. The result? Dry, itchy, cracked skin. To protect your skin…skip a few showers every week.

  THE CLOTHES SHOWER

  Water is tough to come by in space. So volunteers spent time in a spacecraft cabin simulator to find out what would happen if they didn’t bathe. They stayed in the simulator for weeks. When they came out, researchers put their clothes in a tub of water. They stood the volunteers in another tub of water and sprayed them down. Next, they compared the water in each tub. About 90 percent of the “crud” was in the clothes water. Here’s why: Clothing absorbs the grease and the scurf— scaly or shredded skin—and leaves the skin fairly clean. That means changing clothes in space would be like taking a waterless “clothing shower.” The experiment taught volunteers something else: If you don’t change your underwear after a few weeks, it starts to dissolve!

  STOP SCRUBBING!

  If you’re human, at this very moment trillions of tiny single-celled creatures called bacteria live inside your body. In fact, your body is home to ten times more bacterial cells than human cells. (Eek!) As for your skin…it’s covered with bacteria!

  “The skin is home to a virtual zoo of bacteria,” says microbiology professor Martin J. Blaser. At least 182 different kinds of bacteria live in that zoo. But don’t rush out and buy antibacterial soap. Although some bacteria are bad for us, most are either harmless or helpful.

  Research shows that good bacteria on the skin play a big role in keeping out the bad bacteria. But antibacterial soap isn’t choosy. It kills the good bacteria along with the bad. And that leaves room for deadly bacteria to move in and colonize the body.

  LET THEM EAT DIRT

  American kids are getting allergies and asthma in record numbers. Medical researchers say it’s because they’re too clean. (Huh?) That’s right. American parents are so hung up on avoiding germs, they keep their homes and their kids too clean. “We’ve increased our efforts to protect our children from dirt and germs,” says allergy specialist Marc McMorris. The result? “The immune system does not have as much to do as it did fifty years ago.” With fewer germs to fight off, the body starts fighting other “foreign” things—pollen, mold, animal dander, dust and dust mites, insect stings, and even foods. That fight can cause allergic reactions and even asthma.

  Turns out, one of the best way to protect yourself from germs is to go outside and play. Hang out with your friends. Make mud pies. “Don’t worry about coming into contact with dirt and germs,” says McMorris. Kids exposed to germs at an early age are often healthier than those who stay superclean.

  THE EXCEPTION PROVES THE RULE

  Don’t stop scrubbing your hands. Doctors still say that hand washing is the most important thing you can do to stay healthy. Especially…

  •before and after touching food,

  •after using the bathroom,

  •after blowing your nose or coughing,

  •after touching pets or other animals, and

  •before and after visiting a sick relative or friend.

  •••

  FEAR FACTOR: As of 2001, the usable body parts of an adult human were worth $46,000,000.

  ZOMBIE-RELLA

  An Uncle John’s Totally Twisted Tale

  ONCE UPON A TIME in a land far away, a beautiful maiden named Ella lived with her stepmother and two stepsisters in a beautiful mansion on top of a hill, next to a radioactive testing facility. Ella was a kind girl who spent all of her free time caring for the animals that lived on the mansion’s grounds. Her stepmother, Mildred, and her two stepsisters, Helga and Ingrid, were lazy, spoiled, and jealous of Ella. They forced her to do the cooking, the cleaning, the stepsisters’ homework, and the stepmother’s taxes, while they lay on the couch and watched Keeping up with the Kardashians.

  One day, while Ella was throwing out her stepsisters’ toenail clippings, she saw a racoon climb over the fence from the testing facility. As it limped toward her, she noticed that it was missing the top of its skull. “You
poor thing!” said Ella, “let me take care of you!”

  When she reached out her hand, the raccoon bit it, and by the next day, Ella had become a zombie. But even with her new “walking undead” status—and difficulty in keeping her legs and arms attached to her body—Ella was still the most beautiful girl in the kingdom.

  One day, as Ella stumbled about the house dusting, there was a knock at the door. A man in a crimson cape handed her a scroll tied with a gold ribbon. “The Prince is having a ball to find himself a wife,” she read aloud, “and has invited all eligible young ladies in the kingdom to attend.”

  “A BALL!!!” screeched Helga. “Give me that!” She ripped the scroll from Ella, taking one of her hands with it.

  “Ella!” ordered Ingrid. “Reattach that hand and start making my dress at once!”

  “Sew all of our dresses!” Ella’s stepmother shoved her toward the sewing room (knocking out one of her eyes in the process). “I just know one of my daughters will become a princess by the end of the night!”

  Ella popped her eyeball back into its socket and murmured, “I hope it’s me!”

  “Oh, dear, no! You can’t go,” Mildred said. “You’re a zombie.”

  “Yeah, you’re Zombie-rella!” taunted Ingrid. And they all laughed, which of course made Ella feel terrible.

  On the night of the ball, after her stepmother and sisters had left, Ella sat in the yard sewing her hand back on. “I’d give anything to go to the ball,” she said with a sigh.

  “How about an arm and a leg?” a voice asked from above her.

  Ella looked up and gasped. A red-headed woman in a white lab coat, black gloves, and goggles was hovering above her in a jetpack. “Who are you?” asked Ella.

  “Call me Professor Godmother,” the woman said, floating to the ground in front of Ella. “I’m from the lab next door.”

  “You scared me,” Ella said, staring at the strange little woman.

  “That’s me—one scary Godmother!” The professor snorted. “And I’m here to help you.” She whipped a small bottle from her pocket. “I can use this new molecule-binding glue to put you back together so you can go to that Prince’s ball! And, with a little radioactive material, I can also cause a chemical reaction that will turn those rags you’re wearing into a shimmering ball gown!”

  “You’d do all that for me?” Ella gasped.

  The woman raised her goggles to the top of her head. “But of course. We owe it to you, after that whole escaped raccoon, one bite and instant zombie business.”

  In no time, the transformation was complete and Ella looked stunning. Now all they had to do was get her to the ball.

  “Take my jetpack,” said Professor Godmother, strapping it over Ella’s shoulders. “But remember! You absolutely must leave before midnight. The time-release glue will stop working then, and things could get messy.” Before Ella could say another world, the scary Godmother vanished in a cloud of green smoke.

  Ella blasted to the ball, landing on the palace balcony. This really impressed the Prince and he immediately asked her to dance. They danced one dance after another and by midnight were madly in love. Ella knew it was midnight because when the Prince brought her a cup of punch her nose dropped into it with a loud plop!

  “Oh, no! I have to go!” she cried. Covering the hole in her face with one hand. Ella turned and raced to get her jetpack.

  “Wait!” cried the Prince hurrying to stop her. As Ella blasted off in the air, the prince caught hold of her left foot. To his shock, it came off in his hand! He called out, “Come back. You forgot something!”

  For days, the prince went from house to house clutching the severed foot, trying to find his mysterious maiden. Finally his journey took him to Ella’s door but no one answered his knock. Just as he turned to go, he saw a girl in rags hopping about the side garden chasing a squirrel. The girl had only one foot.

  “My love!” he cried, waving her missing body part in the air. “I have brought you your foot. Put it on and marry me!”

  “But Prince, I can’t marry you,” Ella said. “I’m a zombie! A monster!”

  The prince smiled, revealing a shining pair of fangs. “Darling, I’m a vampire.” He shrugged. “Nobody’s perfect.”

  And so the Prince and Zombie-rella were married and were monstrously happy forever after. Even Ella’s wicked stepsisters were happy. They got their own reality show—“Desperate Step-sisters”—that is still running to this day.

  THE END

  FEAR FACTOR: Scholionophobia is an extreme fear of school based on past experience.

  BLOODY BAND-AIDS

  Here’s a tasty treat for those times when you want to truly horrify friends or family members.

  WHAT YOU NEED:

  •Plate

  •Small spoon

  •Butter knife

  •2 whole graham crackers

  •2 tablespoons cream cheese

  •1 tablespoon seedless red jelly (strawberry works well)

  WHAT TO DO:

  1.Break each graham cracker into four rectangles, using the lines cut into them as a guide. (If they don’t break evenly, eat them and try again.)

  2.Spread a square of cream cheese into the center of each cracker. (That will be the absorbent white cushion part of the Band-Aid.)

  3.Drop a small splotch of red jelly (blood) into the middle of each cream-cheese cushion.

  4.Serve your treats on a plate garnished with a real box of Band-Aids so your friends know exactly what they’re enjoying.

  •••

  BODY BREAKDOWN

  Warning: the following step-by-step look at how the body decomposes may require a strong stomach.

  •Just after death, the body stiffens, first at the jaws and neck. After 48 hours, the corpse relaxes and muscles sag.

  •Blood settles in the part of the body closest to the ground, turning the rest of the body pale.

  •After two to three days, the skin turns green. The body’s enzymes start to eat through cell walls, and the liquid inside leaks out.

  •Bacteria feed on the liquid and release sulfur gas. With nowhere to go, the gas causes the corpse to bloat and swell (and sometimes burst).

  •By the end of the third day, the skin changes from green to purple to black. This stage is called autolysis, which means “self-digestion.”

  •Next comes “skin slip.” As cells continue to break down, liquid continues to leak. After about a week, the skin loosens and starts to peel off in large chunks.

  •After two weeks, the fluid leaks from the nose and mouth. After three weeks, teeth and nails loosen; internal organs start to rupture.

  •After about a month, the corpse dissolves and sinks into the ground, leaving only the skeletal remains.

  CREEPY COMIC HEROES

  In our book, the odder the comic character, the better!

  MADAME FATAL

  FIRST APPEARED: Crack Comics #1 (1940)

  PROFILE: Madame Fatal has gray hair, wears a red hood, and walks with a cane. But she can kick some serious butt! That’s because this “old lady” is really a middle-aged man named Richard Stanton in disguise. He is a wealthy world-famous actor who infiltrates gangs by disguising himself as Madame Fatal. (Who wouldn’t trust a nice old lady?) Then Madame Fatal surprises the bad guys with her superior strength (and the cane)!

  ARM-FALL-OFF-BOY

  FIRST APPEARED: DC Comics, Vol. 2 #46, (1989)

  PROFILE: File this superhero in the “What were they thinking?” department. Arm-Fall-Off-Boy’s name says it all: He can remove his limbs and then put them back on again. That’s it. (Whenever he removes an arm or a leg, it makes a “plorp” sound.)

  DR. LEMONET

  FIRST APPEARED: The Vault of Horror #13 (1950)

  PROFILE: This dark tale, called “Doctor of Horror,” takes place in the 17th century. Dr. LeMonet is an anatomy teacher at a respected college. But he’s run into a problem: There aren’t enough dead bodies available for his medical students to exper
iment on. And if the good doctor can’t find more bodies, he’ll lose his job. That’s why he becomes a grave robber. But when the graveyard runs out of freshly-dead bodies, Dr. LeMonet decides it’s time to make some new freshly-dead bodies.

  BIG BERTHA

  FIRST APPEARED: Marvel Comics “West Coast Avengers” #46 (1985)

  PROFILE: Ashley Crawford is a mutant shapeshifter from Wisconsin who made her fortune by taking the form of a 120-pound, beautiful supermodel. But when trouble arises, she becomes Big Bertha, a 750-pound woman who fights for good. Big Bertha’s giant belly can deflect bullets and buses. She can even jump from a high building and bounce her way to safety. The superhero Deadpool has a crush on Big Bertha…but not on Ashley Crawford. When Big Bertha lectures Deadpool about judging people only by their looks, he takes his off his mask to reveal his disgusting, diseased face. Then, ignoring her own advice, Big Bertha barfs.

  •••

  Q: How does the Wolfman walk through walls?

  A: He uses the door.

  Q: What sign does a vacationing plumber leave on his door?

  A: Gone flushing.

  THE BLACK DOG

  An Uncle John’s Eerily Twisted Tale.

  ALL MACAULEY CREEVERS had ever wanted was a dog. Even before he could talk, his favorite toy was a stuffed puppy with matted fur. By the time he turned six, he began to realize that his dreams of playing fetch in the front yard or going on long hikes on the trails behind his home might never come true. His parents, you see, were not what you might call “animal people.”

  They had done a good job of hiding it from Macauley for the first few years of his life. But when he asked when they were getting a dog, he noticed his parents would become uneasy and exchange glances that seemed to mean more than the “we’ll see” answer they gave. As he got older, he noticed how his mother would stiffen when even the friendliest dog approached. She would sometimes give the dog a polite pat on the head. But he’d never seen her crouch down and give any dog a nice long “Who is a good boy?” sort of scratch.