Secrets and Sacrifice: A Christian Romance (The Shadows Trilogy Book 4)

by Juliette Duncan

  Grace let out a small laugh to be polite. “Just from Belfast. We had a late start.”

  “Oh, and where are you heading?”

  “We're not sure yet. We’ll just drive and see where the road takes us.”

  “There are some lovely wee towns further north if that’s what you're looking for.”

  “Thanks, we might check them out.”

  “And now, here’s the best room for you. It opens out onto the garden and you can take your tea out there if you like.”

  The room, halfway down a dimly lit hallway adorned with black and white family photos, reminded Grace of a number of similar rooms she’d stayed in with Niall, except of course those rooms had a double bed. Grace's throat tightened at the memory.

  Maeve continued talking. Did she ever stop? Grace turned her head. Brianna had paused in the hallway and was looking at the photos. Grace reached out her hand and motioned for her to follow.

  ‘There are more blankets in the cupboard if you need them. And there’s a private bathroom just through here.” Maeve half opened a door on the far wall of the room. “What time would you be wanting breakfast?”

  “Eight o’clock would be perfect.” Grace smiled politely.

  “Are you right for dinner? If not, I could rustle something up.”

  “That’s very kind, thank you, Maeve, but we might just pop back into the village and see what we can find.”

  “The Green Leprechaun does meals until nine—that’s probably your best option. I wouldn’t recommend the Derry Arms—a bit rough for two young ladies like yourselves.”

  “We can look after ourselves, can’t we Bibi? But thanks, Maeve. We might check out the Green Leprechaun.”

  Grace paid for the night and then closed the door, letting out a huge breath as she flopped backwards onto one of the beds.

  “I didn’t think she’d ever stop talking.” Brianna walked over to the double doors leading out to the garden and looked out. “Feels strange staying in someone’s home.”

  Grace sat up. “Maybe we should have stayed at the hotel. Will you be okay here, Bibi?” Grace stood and slipped her arm around Brianna’s bony, fragile shoulder.

  Brianna shrugged. “It’s too nice for the likes of me.”

  “Oh come on, Bibi. Stop it!” Grace turned Brianna around to face her and placed both her hands on Brianna’s shoulders. She lifted Brianna’s chin with her finger and looked into her sister’s hazel eyes. “Enough of all that nonsense. This holiday is about spoiling you and getting you better, so get used to it.”

  “I’m more at home on the streets—you know that.” Brianna shook Grace’s finger away and looked around the room. “All this frilly stuff.” She reached out and fingered the lace edged lamp shade on one of the bedside tables. “I’ve never seen so many pillows and cushions in all my life. And all these flowers—they’ll do my head in.”

  “Oh Bibi! Just relax and enjoy it! Come outside and we’ll sit for a while. I’ll make us some tea.”

  Grace put the kettle on and made a pot of tea while Brianna continued to inspect the room, commenting on everything from the heavy floral duvets on each bed, to the highly perfumed soaps and shampoos in the bathroom.

  Grace carried the tray with the teapot, two dainty porcelain china cups and saucers, matching side plates with a homemade scone each, and tiny pots of strawberry jam and cream outside onto their private terrace. Despite the chill in the air, the late afternoon sun peeked in through the vine covered trellis, creating an inviting and warm sitting area. Grace felt right at home, but Brianna shivered as she perched on the edge of a cushioned cane armchair.

  “Bibi—just relax and enjoy. Here, let me pour.” As Grace poured tea into the dainty cup with delicate pink roses painted on it, she glanced at Brianna’s stony face and sighed.

  Brianna stared at her tea cup. A set, just like this, sat on a shelf at Aunt Hilda's in that horrible, dingy kitchen that reeked of greasy mutton and stale tobacco. Brianna’s heart pounded like it did when her body was waiting for a hit.

  She stood, bumping the table and spilling the tea. She didn't care. She ran inside and flung herself onto the bed. This was a big mistake. Why had she let Grace talk her into it? She didn’t belong in places like this… she was a drug addict, and she needed a hit, not a cup of tea in a cup she couldn’t even hold without getting her fingers stuck.

  The bed creaked as Grace sat beside her. Brianna turned her head away. Why can't she let me be?

  “Bibi, what’s the matter?” Grace stroked her hair, just like she used to. But that was years ago. Tears pricked Brianna's eyes as a weight settled on her chest. Where could she start? Everything was the matter. She pushed Grace away and curled into a ball.

  Grace leaned over her.

  Brianna kicked her away. “Go away, Grace.” Tears choked her voice and she could hardly breathe.

  Grace grabbed her and held her. Brianna struggled. She didn't want Grace's sympathy. She fought against her, but Grace was too strong and she finally gave in, sobbing uncontrollably into Grace’s chest.

  “Oh, Bibi.” Grace’s voice was soft and caring. Brianna hated it. If only Grace would let her be.

  Brianna's sobs slowly subsided. Grace dried her face with a tissue, but kept one arm around Brianna’s shoulder.

  “I can’t do this, Grace." She could barely speak.

  “Yes you can, Bibi. Look at me.” Grace tipped Brianna’s chin and held her gaze. Grace’s eyes were moist. “I’m here for you. Whatever it takes, okay?”

  Brianna drew a shaky breath. She didn’t want to do it. That was the problem. She needed drugs because they helped her forget. There was nothing Grace could do that would wipe her memory of those horrid years. Memories that tormented her night and day. Only the drugs sent them away.

  Grace tucked a lock of hair behind Brianna’s ear. “I’ll find those boys and prosecute them.”

  Brianna slumped. How many times had she thought about tracking them down and making them pay for raping her when she was just fifteen? But Grace had told her she probably wouldn't win, and it might just make it worse, so she'd tried to forget. It was no use. Besides, the thought of facing them in court made her ill.

  She lifted her gaze. “No, Grace. I don’t want you to.”

  Grace nodded slowly. “You know I’m prepared to, Bibi, if you want me to?"

  “I just want to forget, Grace. That’s all I want to do.”

  “You’ve got so much to live for, Bibi. You could be anything you want. A nurse, you could go to University, you could work in an office, you could be anything you want.”

  Brianna's eyes moistened. “How could I do that, Grace? I didn’t even finish school."

  “Yes, but you can study, just like I did. I can help you. Think about it? It might help you forget.”

  Brianna shrugged. How could she study when she could barely read?

  “Come on. Let’s clean up and get some dinner.” Grace gave her a big squeeze and then stood.

  Brianna let out a deep sigh. Everything's so simple for Grace, but she doesn't have a clue.

  Chapter Seven

  Later that night, after Grace and Brianna had been out for dinner at The Green Leprechaun, a lively little place with great food, and Brianna was tucked up in bed, Grace reached for Niall’s envelope. All day she’d been tempted to open it, but had stopped herself each time she’d reached for it, reminding herself she was trying to forget him. But try as she might, she couldn’t get him out of her head.

  The light from the bedside lamp was dim, but Niall’s handwriting was as strong as ever, and she could make out the words easily. She bit her lip as she read.

  Grace,

  I’m so sorry for putting you under pressure the other night. We’re soul mates—you know that. We can’t turn the clock back, but I would love to be your friend if you’ll let me, and to be there for you whenever you need someone to talk to. Obviously, I want more than that, but if you won't marry me, at least be my friend?

 
Call me if you need anything at all. Wherever you might be, whatever the time of day or night, I’m only a phone call away.

  I love you, Grace, and I always will. Nothing will change that.

  Forever yours,

  Niall

  Grace flopped against her pillow and held the notepaper to her chest. Part of her wanted to tear up the letter and throw it in the bin. But Niall was right—they were soul mates. Despite the years of separation, there was a bond between them, and her heart still quickened at the very thought of him.

  She picked up the letter and re-read it. Her thoughts filtered back to the day she met him… her first day at Belfast University. She wore a long wrap-around Indian style skirt, black knee high boots, and a blue denim jacket. Niall was wearing skinny jeans and a blue, hand-knitted cardigan. Her first thought was that someone special had made it for him. She laughed when she discovered later that the special person was his mother.

  They sat beside each other in their first lecture—Introduction to Law. As he chatted with her, it became apparent he was from a well-to-do family. His father was a high profile barrister, as was his father before him, and there was never any question about Niall following in their footsteps.

  Grace was tempted to make up a story of her own. How could she tell Niall that she’d worked by day and studied by night just to get into University? Or that she was supporting her younger sister whose two month-old baby, a result of being raped by her cousins when she was only fifteen, had just died? Grace gulped. Or that she herself had blown up ten innocent people when she was only sixteen? He'd never believe her… In the end, she told him she’d decided to study Law because she’d seen too many violent crimes go unpunished, and she wanted to do what she could to change that. She’d gone home that day with the brown-eyed Niall Flannery on her heart and her mind. And that’s where he’d stayed for the next five years. Until the night he proposed.

  Brianna stirred. Grace quickly folded the letter and placed it in her purse. She should throw it away, but she couldn’t. She switched off the light and hoped Brianna would settle. All afternoon and night Brianna had been restless. Was it a mistake to take her away? Would it be too much for both of them? Grace hoped not, but doubt flooded through her as Brianna writhed around in bed.

  Grace finally climbed out of her own bed and climbed in with Brianna, wrapping her arms around her and pulling her close, just like she used to do when they were first sent to live with Aunt Hilda.

  Brianna settled for a short while, and then woke with a start, jerking to a seated position.

  “Where am I?” The fear and desperation in Brianna's voice tore at Grace’s heart.

  Grace flicked on the light and sat up. Sweat dripped from Brianna’s brow, and her bed clothes were damp. Her face was twisted with anguish.

  “It’s okay, Bibi. I’m here.” Grace wiped Brianna’s brow. “Were you having a nightmare?”

  Brianna nodded and fell back onto her pillow, curling into a ball and sobbing. Grace lay back beside her and held her tight, all the while uttering soothing words until Brianna’s breathing slowed and she fell asleep.

  Grace was almost asleep when Brianna jumped out of bed and began rummaging through her bag.

  "What are you doing, Bibi?" Grace climbed out of bed and tried to pull her back.

  Bibi brushed Grace's hand away. "Leave me alone. I need a hit."

  Before Grace could stop her, Brianna upended the bag and began tossing items all around the room.

  “Stop it, Brianna.” Grace’s voice was a firm whisper, but panic was setting in. Brianna couldn't give in now.

  “Don’t stop me, Grace.” The determination in Brianna's face frightened Grace, but she had to stop her. No way could she let Brianna go into town on her own in the middle of the night.

  “No, you’re not going anywhere. Stop it now.” Grace’s pulse raced as Brianna struggled with her. Brianna jerked one hand free and slapped Grace across her face. Grace gasped and her hand flew to her smarting cheek. How dare Brianna hit her! Who did she think she was?

  An urgent knock on the door was enough to distract Brianna long enough for Grace to gain the upper hand. "Is everything all right in there?" Maeve called out in a concerned voice.

  “Yes, thank you, Maeve. Everything’s fine.” Grace put on her most convincing voice as she held her hand over Brianna's mouth and tried to keep her still.

  “Okay then, dear. If you need anything, let me know.”

  “Thank you. We will.”

  As Maeve's footsteps receded, Brianna's body slumped and Grace loosened her hold. Wrapping her arms around Bibi, she pulled her close. “We’ll get through this, Bibi, you’ll see.” Grace's heart tore in two as Brianna sobbed uncontrollably into her chest.

  The following morning, Grace had trouble waking Brianna in time for breakfast. In the end, she decided to let her sleep and told Maeve they'd eat in their room. A weaker person would have given in to Maeve's inquisitive glances, but Grace held her ground and didn’t say anything other than her sister was still sleeping.

  While Brianna slept, Grace took her tea and toast outside and sat in the gazebo. Feeble rays of sun warmed her body as she flicked through the local newspaper Maeve had provided, but her mind was on Niall’s letter. Even though she’d only read it twice, the words were etched in her memory and played over in her mind. What she wouldn't give to have him here right now.

  Grace glanced towards the room where Brianna still slept. How long would it take for Brianna to be free from her addiction? Grace longed for her little sister to be whole again. She leaned back in her chair and her thoughts drifted to a happier time... the time before Mam died.

  Even though they were poor, they’d been such a happy family in the years after Da left. Brianna had always been the fun loving girl, whereas Grace had been the studious one, but despite that, the two girls had been thicker than mud. The day they got sent to Londonderry to live with Aunt Hilda was etched in Grace’s memory. The day of Mam’s funeral was cold, wet and miserable. The eight children lined up beside her grave and one at a time threw a handful of dirt on top of the coffin lying in that horrible, deep hole. The minister prayed for Mam’s soul, but that was the day Grace told God she would never talk to Him ever again, and she hadn’t.

  Brianna cried the whole way to Londonderry, and when they were met at the bus stop by Aunt Hilda and Uncle Dougall, Brianna hid behind Grace. They were put in the back room that was no bigger than a broom closet. In fact, Grace initially thought that’s what it was. It had no heating, and in winter, she and Brianna clung to each other at night to stay alive.

  In all the years they lived there, not once did they feel welcome. They were treated as the poor cousins who’d been taken in and were told they should be grateful for a roof over their heads. Grateful? The dogs were treated better than they were.

  Grace looked up as Brianna appeared in the doorway, her hair dishevelled and dark circles hanging under her eyes. Grace's heart broke. She held out her hand. “Come and sit.”

  Brianna took Grace’s hand and sat beside her. Grace poured her a cup of tea, and placed it in front of her.

  “I’m sorry for last night.” Brianna's voice was raspy and faint.

  Grace pushed back the tears pricking her eyes. “It’s okay, Bibi. We can do this.” She gave Brianna an encouraging smile, but wondered if she really believed what she'd said. “It looks like a nice day for a drive along the coast. I thought we could head to Cushendall, but we can just see how far we get.”

  Brianna shrugged. “Whatever you think.”

  Grace bit her tongue. It'd be nice if Brianna for once showed some enthusiasm. Maybe once they were back on the road she’d brighten a little.

  It didn’t take long to finish breakfast, shower and pack. Maeve wore an inquisitive look as they said good-bye, but Grace pretended she didn’t notice. As Grace started the engine and pulled back onto the main road, she glanced at Brianna and hoped they’d have a good day.

  Chapter Eight<
br />
  Five days later, Grace stopped the car on top of a cliff. “Well, go on then. Jump.” Grace's nostrils flared as she spat the words at Brianna.

  Brianna turned in her seat and reached for the door handle. A gust of wind blew the door back as she tried to open it. She wouldn’t let it stop her. Gripping the door with both hands, she pushed it open and climbed out. Another gust of wind whistled past, almost knocking her off her feet. She steadied herself and inched closer to the edge.

  Below, angry waves crashed onto the rocks, sending sprays of water into the air. She could taste the salt on her lips. Sucking in a breath, she glanced back at Grace. Her heart was racing. Could she really do this? For the past two days she’d been telling Grace she just wanted to end it all, but now, could she really do it?

  It had been over two weeks since her last hit. Surely she was getting to the point where she no longer craved a high, but in the meantime, it was torture. Grace had no idea. Telling her to be strong wasn’t enough. Grace had nothing to offer her, and Brianna didn’t have Grace’s strength or will-power. Never had. Never would.

  Grace hadn’t been able to save her before, and she couldn’t save her now. There was nothing to live for. Nothing. She may as well jump. The nightmares were killing her. Her head ached constantly. Her body was tired. No, she had nothing to live for.

  Inching closer to the edge, she lifted her chin. She wouldn't look. She’d just step forward, and then it’d all be over. No more nightmares. No more memories. She’d be free from them all.

  “Bibi, don’t do it.” Grace grabbed her from behind.

  "No! You can't stop me." Brianna struggled, kicking and elbowing Grace. Sobs choked her throat and she could barely speak—she just wanted to end it all, why couldn't Grace let her be?

  She tried to free herself from Grace’s hold, but she was no match for Grace. A heaviness grew in her heart and she collapsed onto the ground. Grace crouched beside her and hugged her. Brianna curled into a ball and wept. She wept for the baby she’d loved and lost. She'd never expected to love him, but when Aedan was born, waves of love and pity flowed through her from the moment she held him.